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2023-03-10 - 8:20 a.m.

It is amazing how quick this internet is when there is no one else using it in the house!

Quiet here.
I just work, enjoyed sleeping in a bit after being up later than I would have liked. I did get just a catnap in last night before I had to head out to volunteer and do duty of being present at the arts org theater rehearsal. ( Just in case anyone needs anything! I am there just as presence and support of the board really. The production team of this group is incredible.That is what happens when arts orgs raise money and PAY artists! I really support the concept! Proud this group pays a stipend which is better than many.None of the artists will ever get rich but we do at least pay a decent wage for their work.)

There happens to be one volunteer who is absolutely an amazing lady. Full time teacher who volunteers and then is in charge of props and happens to donate her stipend back to the org. She does it for the love of working with the kids and the program. It is really a pretty amazing program.

I was happy one of my kids MIGHT show up and come help me with one thing. Its not a big commitment- just a couple days with one PARTICULAR task so think the kid would enjoy it. She said YES. I will believe she will help when she shows up with me.

* I would like to believe I have kids who commit and follow through when say they will do something; but I just don't know.

The last time this kid said yes to do something , she bailed on me and I was writing an email to say she was not feeling well. ( True. She could not get up and was not able to function that day so she said. It could have been anxiety , it could have been POTS related,, IDK , but either are valid not feeling well.)

I just hope she comes along with me next week and enjoys it. For years I thought she in particular would really like helping with the arts org. This kid is shy and I think needs encouragement to get out and do things. I don't see her taking inititive but I do see her reaponding with a YES at times and then becoming engaged and really enjoying the things she engages in. She was the kid who got the "Most prepared" paper plate award ( in sincereity , not sarcasm!) when in band. So when she does show up she is there- present fully
its just getting the kid to show up that I think is where she needs some help. Fortunatly she is responsive to her Dad asking her to do things in past months. I would like if she might say yes to do this one thing with me, cause I think it would make it fun for her and also more enjoyable for me frankly.

This morn need to go spend some time with another group- with just a couple things to work on, organizational stuff. Create sign up genius to get volunteers etc...
that kind of thing. Communication and organization stuff.

Its been a week heavily invested in volunteer time for orgs. Monday and Tuesday the professional org that feels like it is on life support was given some of my time and attention. Maybe it can be revived; the very small part I pay in the arts org that is just rocking and vibrabt and amazing (seriously well run and such a great group of paid program and production staff and volunteers) , and then today church business.

Happy to do this while don't have other paid work to do in my queue, I do have a short story idea incubating and want to see if I can get that out ( or the beginning of it out) as well. If I ever get the Dragon software working and can transcribe the speaking/writing I did in past the story idea could be either part of that .... or totally fiction... I suppose both. I could write a chapter on how to just have fun and be fully grounded in SELF and center SELF with such awareness and intention for women. I think that is not something many women know how to do so it might help some. I mean in particular to speak of how to learn to love self, and learn to nurture self

Priotizing relationship/friendships with other women (I have so many in Buffalo to connect with over the upcoming travels. That is the logistic piece to work out- connecting with them. My girls from my first job after college who I am close to. There are three that I hope to plan a get together with, One of them lost her husband a yr ago last October and she is a beautiful person, has been a solid supportive friend to me. I wished I could have been more of a support to her throughout the past years as I think she has been in that role of mother and to be honest very alone and isolated. Ironic as this journal was started literally by me for her to read and know I WAS OK because she loved me enough to want to have a consistent means of communication. We had a system- for my safety in fact; where I dropped a postcard on Tuesdays. When things were volatile and my husband was erratic, angry and agressive. If she did not get a postcard or see me writing here it would be a signal for her to try to get a hold of me and be sure to follow up if for some reason there was a communicaiton lapse.

Notice it was not talking on the phone
or texting

No one texted back then like now.

And there was not time for phone calls in the midst of caring for kids and being really attentive to them all day long.

So what happened is I became SAFE
I checked in as not a risk as got out of the abusive situation

and then she got married and had her own two boys.

Both with autism

and her life has been absorbed by her being their mother, their need for her attentive care 24X7 really;
and they have the trauma of her husband, their father dropping dead of a heart attack .
Its rather awful it took the trauma of her husband's death for me to be in touch more often and offer her supportive friendship. I feel like I should have been a better friend to her in the preceding years when she needed my support as much I had needed hers in the past.
The good news is the other two gals who we were close to as well ARE local to Buffalo and have remained in touch with her. That gave me relief.
I also was close with one of them in particular and so wanted her to come visit me down here in VA. She is this amazing gal who was as close to us both-
I mean it was like we were a trio to be honest

Well more like a quartet- as it was us three gals and my roomie! My roomate who was the guy among us. Heck the four of us enjoyed working together for a few years and we rocked it
and then enjoyed Friday night game nights. YES we were geeky

We would gather and play RISK!


It was such fun. I was at the one gal's house playing games in fact when my water broke with my first child!

Now the Final lady we all call friend, who did not socialize with us outside of work all that much, but did a bit to some extent and ... there were all sorts of interesting intersections
I mean she and my roomie were VERY Close for a time, I think AFTER he and I both moved to a DIFFERENT Agency
the frienships all changed in time as over the years as we all moved onto other jobs- and could solidify the frienship with her

was our AMAZING BOSS!! She is the CEO of the agency we all worked at now. Back then she was the most senior Program DirectorI think? reporting to the CEO Excutive Director who started the org we all worked for,

Various degrees of closeness to her. My roomie and her were exceptionally close, like besties for a time. I was more friendly but acquantence at a distance

HA But there were so many close friends we shared. I mean SO MANy intersections
some fine
and some downright odd and difficult but they were never about US so she and I were always friends, albeit of the acquaintence kind.But we did enjoy a couole really nice phone calls to connect just a few years ago...
actually before my really close gal friend's hubby passed.
I was glad to hear when that happened she was a good support to her.

So those three gals, who were my social world for a few years, are all still in the Buffalo area and the one is going to reach out who is in touch with them and see if she can get the other two together for us all to meet when I am in town.

I will of course reach out- but the one gal who needs babysitting needs to find out when that works for her FIRST and then we can work around that.

If for some reason she can't find time I hope to just visit her at her house with her boys.

It will be a very busy weekend! There are ALSO the cross country college gals-
who are getting together too! That group includes my COLLEGE roommie! My Buffalo guy called me to tell me I just HAD to come to town as well
#1 My son speaking but also
#2 He got a message from the one gal we had connected with and hung out with her and her hubby, and they reached out in JAN and the same group hung ( sans me) ,,, and the gal texted in town again and reached out
Its the cross country gals, my friends, who my Buffalo guy clicked with when I hooked up with him five plus years ago.
The runners all on the invite- and him! (HA HA) There is a fellow I used to run with for a while there about one a week during college! My running buddy!! He just did not want me running alone after a couple reported rapes in the park we gals used to all run at. We always ran as a team, but I liked to go for an early morning run and so did he and I think we were some of the few! So he and I went out early together a number of times. He is a school counselor now. Terriffic guy with aweome wife and family so it would be great to see all those gals and him. Last I saw him was the reunion when he knew I didn't have a car and he gave me a ride somewhere which was great as we had a good chat to just catch up on the last 25 year! HA HA It was fun to hear of his wife and kids and job and how grounded and happy and the SAME he is! Just one of those really nice stable awesome people!

It will be a busy fun weekend.

So funny as I was thinking how I just don't go out much. That is true. I don't. But when go back to Buffalo it is a differnt thing! OF course if I LIVED there I would space out when get together with folks and it would not be ALL AT ONCE. Heck I have other friends I would love to arrange to get together with I have not seen in years too.

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