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2023-03-21 - 9:44 a.m.



I hate when I do something stupid.

I am generally really on top of bills. The shame of this is that this month, the month I freaking HAVE MONEY in my account
and paid off my debts

and left a cushion ( I paid back one family member $1000 less than the total owed planning to send that last thousand in April or May- hopefully after a bit more work comes in which is now actually profit so I will get PAID from my own company)

I got some mail put on the desk- remember that car emissions failure notice?

The one I thought was just from some smart company that set up all those drive by emissions stations? The one I thought waa just a brilliant business idea then read three weeks after receiving to realize it was the VA STATE Environmental control....

Good thing did not throw the darn thing out

I was surprised to find it said need to respond, fix car and pass emissions before March 1 or get fined?

Of course I had just scheculded the car repair like DAYS Later...
not even knowing about that. Had I done it just four or five days earlier would have met the deadline.

I didn't even KNOW of this requirement when got the car fixed and then did get the emissions test done ASAP

and Passed and handed the shop the letter so they sent in results.

Well they were not kidding if not done my MArch 1 would get a fine.

So that fine , a couple hundred dollars came in the mail, and I read the paperwork on where they offer reimbusement if get car fixed to pass-

which I did
but not with any intention of meeting that requirement (I had no idea about. I mean in my head my emissions test was not DUE until SEPT! I had no clue if you drive through a station set up that the STATE tests you REGULARLY And if FAIL in that intervening two year period of the requirement that you will be FINED...etc...)

IN other words the emission requirement of a test every two years is not bullshit

They now have a requirement apparently of testing whenever the state wills
and fining if don't meet the ONGOING AND EVERY DAY requirement to drive a car meeting standards. They upped the ante so to speak

Quietly and I don't think there has been much buzz about this.

I am sure some law changed and I am not the only one who was clueless


So that letter says

"Final Agency Determination and INVOICE"

" ...The amount of your civil charge is determined by the actual emissions fro your vehicle as observed by the remote sensing equiptment. Based on those readings and stated in the Notice, the amount of your civil charge is $965.00 "

DAMN THat is an expensive ADHD hit from having put a letter I thought was a solicitation to purchase a service on my desk and not having read it right away.

And I read it when paid all my bills IN A TIMELY MANNER and opened all the mail to take care of them.


I am also SO DAMN PROUD of my sorting mail. I mean I have a system. I don't even LET junk mail pile up. I have a process to avoid such confusion on my part.

I take the dog for a walk. I get the mail, from the box. I go to the trash can and toss the JUNK Mail that is not anything that poses risk of identity theft. I shred the dumb offers for credit cards sent by speculators preying on those with low income and high desperation and fear.

I don't even bring nonsense into my home. I avoid clutter on my desk that way.

I OPEN MAIL IMMEDIATELY and don't put it off. I put the bills in a pile. OK- so I don't even keep envelopes. I mean it is RARE that I have an unopened envelope.

I think the only reason I did not TOSS That email was becuse while I THOUGHT it was notice of emissions failure from the drive by station upon quick glance I KNEW I had to read it more carefully to be sure....

so it went in the bill pile

as I am SURE I was doing the dog walk, sort and toss then put on desk bills...

RIGHT BEFORE going to work or church or something.

SO an expensive ADHD Moment. I will call and find out what the story is to APPEAL the decision with paperwork of the car being fixed and having PASSED emissions at a VA certified emissions station.

The thing is the letter said something about don't do work on car before bringing it to the station.

I did not even KNOW of the state action etc... til AFTER I got the car FIXED and THEN Read the darn letter!

Life with ADHD is fucking expensive.

A fucking $965 mistake there AND the other thing is the initial letter had something about reimbursement for work... I think I thought it was a program ( not a Notice and FINE!) to help low income folks FIX cars to keep on road? I mean I thought it was marketing in conjunction with some social welfare program of good will

I had no sense of it being a legal action and fine til READ the whole letter

and I thought "Oh well too bad missed the opportunity for some financial assistance" of getting help to PAY for fixing my car to keep on the road cause poor...
but thought "Just as well- my tax return came in and I could afford to fix the car and some don't even have that but need the transportation to get to work."

BUT Then read the letter and thought " HUH, they don't let folks get an estimate and THEN Get assistance to PAY For the work, So this doesnt help the ACTUAL poor without means! You have to PAY FOR CAR REPAIR then submit receipt for reimbursement"

and I thought OH WELL I did not know the instruction to bring to the "Certified emissions station " first before doing work in order to get reimbursement,

My amazing mechanic does not do emissions testing (I think? I don't think I ever had him do it? I am not really sure... but I always go to the guy down my street within a couple blocks walk for that. They are MORE EXPENSIVE for repairs so I go to the best mechanic around, but figure still should give the local shop the business for what they do well: Tires and emissions. And the occasional repair when can afford their estimate JUST To support the local shop WHEN I CAN AFFORD TO.)

SO NEXT ADHD Moment of this week: Get a $200 fine for a traffic violation in DC when last saw that DC guy. TRUE I rolled through a stop sign. Guilty! It was 1/22 1:59 pm. I was driving to his place ( I think to help him move?) I got a tix as yeah my car was definately on one of those inclines going uphill in the NW neighborhood, just outside of Rock Creek Park- in a back road driving uphill and there was no fucking way my car was going to make it UP THAT HILL as it was lugging on at somethign like 5 mph at that point but had a tiny bit of momentum left and almost to the top- where THERE WAS A STOP SIGN

Hell no-- I knew I might get a tix, but chose the risk. As if stuck at just almost to top of the hill was not sure the car would START again and get power to make it over the top.

This was , sure, a good month before I got the car in for service. I had in fact an appointment weeks before but no cash yet to pay my mechanic.

I had to put if off til the tax return came.

YES I will fully drove the crappy car for one more month , puttering up hill and coasting down hill


but chose to make the drive to DC to help him move.

I mean I was avoiding going anywhere but a girl does have to have a life....

I mean it was nice to have the friendship of he and his bestie and the companionship and sure his fake romance (whatever) for as long as it lasted ( til honestly it seems he just wanted to groom me to be ok with his funky interests... which I am not interested in.. and told him years ago... I mean I think my continued disinterest in that kinda bs honestly what I see as attempts to "groom" I swear grooming does not happen just with kids. Adults try to do so with other adults. And I swear some of these so called funky "spiritual" centers are grooming folks for their own use and pleasure as unconscionably as any catholic priest who is a covert horney selfish bastard raping kids does. Fucking people with selfishness... just ignore what boundaries others set and pretend otherwise for a time to rope a victim in...

OK I am cynical Cause what the hell I don't care what someone's funky pleasures are

Maybe I am venting bullshit too. Maybe the group he and bestie are in is really truly this wonderful tantric spiritual center and I am just jaded he tried to brush me off on someone else when he lost interest rather than be a man and communicate.

I did enjoy their company and companionship and relationship on mutual agreed terms ( I mean individually, and shared at times.)

But found it disappointing I was ghosted after calling out that bullshit behavior by a guy I thought had some actual depth of friendship and care for me as a person.

You don't bait and switch

Don't pretend interested in one thing when really have interest and agenda for another thing.

Felt like a fucking pimping out when he was trying to set me up with someone else and bail himself-
I was like What the fuck is going on here? Chameleon

I just don't get it. The inauthenticity of it.

Lack of being able to communicate.

But enough of that. STILL IT WAS nice to have the companionship while it lasted.

SO long story short and point of the ADHD moment to vent over is

I paid bills last month, and SOMEHOW read the tix for traffic

and plum FORGOT to pay the damn thing.


This week my ADHD moment was misplacing the key to mailbox so then finally looking for it ( first figured it would turn up. After a week of not coming across it in a jacket or purse I intentionally then LOOKED in all of those and then lo and behold looked on the FLOOR under the key ring on the wall- where it had fallen when I attempted to return it to the place I keep it in.)

Organization systems somehow fall apart for the ADHD Person.

So last night I opened the mail to find the DC Tix for rolling through the stop sign that was $100 is now LATE and now $200.


I just hope the money is going to some program to help someone worse off in life and hit harder than me.

What goes around comes around, right? It is only money which there is always an ebb and flow of.

So to pay that bill on line, figure out how to file the paperwork to appeal and hope don't have to pay the $965 cause the car is fixed and passed emissions.

Damn they sent the Notice and Determination on 3/3
It was 3/6 when I brought my car in. Apparently I did not even open the first letter til 3/7-when look at my calendar and call log ( see when the mechanic called me to tell me my car ready)

Cest la vie.
To make some calls and get PART of this stuff attended to so I can then focus on the work that I am pleased came in. I know will get in flow and work and *Poof* it will suddenly feel like time warp and offices closed, so I have to make calls early and get it done. I wake before 8am and have to wait for offices to open sometimes. I just don't want to dig into work before accomplish a few key personal things.
* Did call for albuterol refill already ( left a message),
Now to call
* Dentist... have a crack in a tooth and am starting to feel it. I did not realize it was there but the dentist found it on X ray and was going to request coverage to create a cap for it. ( Call to see if it was approved and if so schedule)
* organize this paperwork and write appeal letter
* Pay the Traffic Tix
*Call to schedule OB/GYN appointment. *(DAMN the physical ended up being just a physical. That NP never did a damn thing to get me closer to finding a specialist to follow up on what the OTHER ob/gyn referred me to get done. It was like once again they saw MEDICAID and IGNORED the referral for a surgeon for biopsy. Her NOTES from the appointment were "defer to ob/gyn" and she was silent on next steps. So It means I HAVE TO find an ob/gyn AGAIN in network ( mine is??? ) I don't know what is the missing piece.. but I have to find it to be able to get a biopsy approved by insurance. I just don't get it why it is so darn hard to have follow up done cause doctors' don't get paid to do work for poor people.

Thing is I am not even poor by any comparison. I have two jobs. I have work. I do work. I get paid.

Hell I have a house and a car

What the fuck is it like for those without and education and skills? I can't even imagine.

No wonder so many drink and fall into escapism of drug use. Just thankful I have never had interest. Thankful I don't have an addictive personality or gene or propensity for that.

OH and to end on gratitude.

Above all else need to keep mindset of gratitude. THANKFULL that I have that cushion I saved Just in case. As now have it to pay the fines.
Have it to accept accountability for my limitation and being a person with ADHD that just has costs associated with my imperfection (if appeal not successful).
Thankful I have meaningful work supporting some of the most important things one can support frankly.

The client I am doing work for these next two days ( Likely non stop until done ONCE make just a few quick calls for the above personal to do! I have to be DONE by tomorrow COB!!) puts much effort into


as well as racial equity, diversity as priority and her whole being has been this TESTAMENT to capability
of neurodiverse, black women frankly.

As that is her identity.

Just the intersection of the issues that I find most important.

AND my other client ( no work this week but pray they send more! Think they intend to) works in the climate justice space.

I really did manifest the work I envisioned, and keep the balance of the work in actual care provide roles. ( This is why the poet Sean Thomas Doherty so moves me. He works as a CNA for those with TBI, he is a mixed kid grown up with a black father and white mother. The words just HIT and Resonate.

I mean there is no other way to see it. DO THE WORK WITH INTENTION and you will do what you envision as most valuable.

That you put your time and attention to is what grows.


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