2023-03-26 - 10:48 a.m.

I feel like crying and thst doesn't happen often.

I need to compose self and process this later. I am now getting picked up by my son for Sunday Jazz brunch in Buffalo

Which

Is one if my favorite things.

Just sad that after leaving a wonderful concert and having a lovely time last night my guy asked what I wanted to do. I said " Go home?" And surely was incredulous in my question " Would you want to go out now? This late after a concert?"

I mean I was tired.

So we went home but he got really upset I got PJs on and wanted / did go right to bed. I was tired and freezing cold.

He was defensive amd upset

And it really did come down to him needing to get a drink or two into him. I figured he would do that and join me

But he then picked a fight as if I had given him shit about his drinking.

That was what saddened me. His protection and defensiveness and feeling judged.

I must have had some non verbal body language

Not intentional?
Judgmental?

I mean I KNOW he is an alcoholic. I EXPECT him to drink ( unless he goes to AA and enters sobriety.)

I can be OK with that when choosing to see him every so often and love him as I can
And accept what love he can offer in his own way

The way of an alcoholic

Which is not the same as others

At all

So I can choose reality and not choose to partner and live with or commit to a daily life with such

But it was tremendously sad to see the sabotage of what had been a lovely evening.

He put on music mixed his drink out in kitchen

Went to shut the door and I Said " You can leave it open, I like hearing the music as I rest."

I won't stay up when I need to rest my body and meet its needs by getting warm under covers
Or need sleep

But I did not want him feeling abandoned and thought that had been our compromise in past

I am not going to drink with him

And I think he really just wanted my physical presence and companionship as I think that is when HE talks.

He wanted his time to be himself and be seen and heard after supporting me in all my needs and desires being supported by him.

I get it.

It is just SAD to me as he made a comment earlier how he knew how it was going to go down

Something passive aggressive about how I was going to give him shit about his drinking....

And then how we would have the same argument.

It's so odd as I don't see real argument other than him picking a fight

And the battle in his own head.

I am The observer

Maybe that is part of the problem too? 🤔

I mean, IDK

It doesn't seem my issue or my argument?

His ?

Not even about me? I just go to bed at a reasonable hour ( or try...midnight....he came in to talk and vent at me?? Him saying he could tell I was being upset at him and giving him shit abouot drinking... which was not aligned with the reality of me just saying I was tired and wanted to go to bed. But he talked, came in and at first gave me shit- complaining, then calmed down and talked to me until maybe 1: 30ish? He settled and came to bed and was okish?)

Alcoholism such a Block to connection. He said he would have liked for me to spend time with him , out in living room...let things " unfold naturally "...

He said would have liked some romantic time ?

As if me heading to bed is reason that was not part of time together as of yet?

That is not the case. He certainly could have chosen to just come to bed to spend time with ME when I was exhausted and cold and needed to lie down! BUT he prioritized his needs just as I had to prioritize mine then.
Just saddens me.

To realize the long distance works BECAUSE my body can be in its rest mode curled in bed in comfort zone talking to him.

Sure I hear the clinking of ice 🧊 in glass.

I hear the shift when he has had too much to go over threshold of sociable to irritable drunk.

I deceived myself in saying he does not have personality change with his drinking. There IS the line...he dies hit a shift in mood

Of course he does

Same as my winery owner friend I like to socialize with DURING THE DAY

Alcoholism just sucks.

Insidious disease that robs of authentic commotion that would otherwise be more consistent. What I witnessed last night was his entering this paranoid phase after he started his drinking alone- and also his need to go get that drink, which is why HE did not just join me in bed! HE felt the NEED to drink! He was disappointed I don't join him in that.

Ok. No need to cry.

Has time to process this and wait for my son to pick me up in the Uber.

My son's Dad and I and my Buffalo guy enjoyed lunch along with my college friend after seeing my son speak to high school students.

The talk was fabulous!

My son had other work. A 4pm audition he had to prepare for so he did not join us but the rest of us went out to eat and enjoyed that time together.

Ride here... Off to brunch with my son now which will be nice this AM, He tried to push it to later in day and I really pushed him to meet me as planned earlier since this afternoon WILL be the time I can spend JUST with my guy here. I think his frustration was in part as we have not had time together and am sure he will feel better once we DO have some time with each other. The thing is I just am not going to stay up while he drinks for THAT to be our time together, NOPE Our time together will be this afternoon/evening as planned when he is sober. Guess just did process this as needed to do so, after all.

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