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2023-03-27 - 5:26 p.m.

Boarding plane back home after a lovely weekend but 4 the expected 3 day in crankiness of my host. That was a sad moment in an otherwise nice weekend.

It just reminded me of why I stopped the courting ( to use an old fashioned word) and put the brakes in the relationship and had not spent time with him since two years ago now I think...well.... 15 Mos to be more exact.

Jan before last.

I did have a great trip.

It WAS worth spending the time with him.

And truthfully once over the expected moment...

Well ...
Then I like staying there with him.

There are however reasons I will enjoy a trip planned with a hotel and meet him out for dates staying with him but stop short of more serious commitment. One ( in addition to his being the bona fide alcoholic who gets defensive about it when he feels compulsion to drink) is the smoke in environment which is challenging for me. It doesn't bother me much the first couple days and I think over time my tolerance to the allergens there has increased.

But it does exasperate asthma despite the fact he does not smoke in main house and only in his basement near an open window.

When the heat kicks in it circulated the second hand smoke despite a hepa filter on the system.

I did open the bedroom window to get fresh air and that helped in the bedroom. I really became even more aware of the sensitivity when at the airport, out of the environment, the smoke on the clothes I was wearing really bothered me. After checking in I had some time and realized it was the lovely tunic style blouse he bought me when he saw it and thought of me ( that he saved in the closet and gave me when there) that I was wearing that smelled of smoke and was irritating me. It's truly my style , a cute paisley pattern with greens , blues and teal. Looked nice with jeans, but I figured out in the airport it was what smelled most of smoke. I changed into a brand new T-shirt with one of my kids HS logos on it that I took to give the now grown kid. He is the supplier of all thing promotional to numerous of high school and colleges in the Buffalo area including that alma mater. I also scored a mug from a theater I have a fond memory of having brought my younger kids to when we visited Buffalo back in the day my older ones did community theater there. Its was so funny to go into his workspace storage area and find the couple extras of items he kept as samples and pick out memorabilia from things of my past. Cracks me up back in the day the High school swag PJs were a Christmas gift for my oldest. The upstairs apt is a separate duplex that for some years he had tenants in until he eventually used the space for business warehousing essentially. It has a manikin for modeling clothing and a hat stand of a head for same, for marketing pics. Hats and T-shirts on racks , shelves like a store, and a wall filled with various small drawers with labels like Heart , Fish, Dilbert and so on... As some years back he was perhaps a # 1 supplier of stress balls via ebay. Apparently all the Dilbert character stress balls were a big seller in Australia ! He said he shipped more of those things to AU than the U.S. and U.K. where he also sold many. He just never chose to grow and scale his business Which to me was for some obvious reasons.... He thought if it but never did it. But he is a hard worker and built an honest business and has a good reputation in his city; but he also drinks and night then sleeps in and does not start work til noon. Hard to scale a company with those work hours frankly. We met one of the coordinators or the event my son was speaking at, well rather "I " met the coordinator as she came up happy to see him, not expecting to see him and gushed " This man is amazing! He always gives me what I need when I need it, whatever I ask for, I can count on him." Yup That's all so true. Of course she was talking about her event planning and promotional items. Sigh.... But yeah All true. When I go meet him in his world. He would love me there ( most of the time) but I also know he would resent me there some of the time too. Like when I am up at 7:Am and working and he is rolling out of bed at 11 AM or Noon. Like when I want to go to bed cause I am exhausted at 8:30 or 9pm and just HAVE to go to bed early. I recall the winery owner friend of mine bitching cause his wife went to sleep at 9pm. I swear he felt emotionally ABANDONED by her when he was up drinking alone. Oh no... I am NOT EVER going to even deceive myself to think that could be a healthy dynamic of a relationship. Fuck winery owner got jealous of her when she went to the gym and when she would go running! HELL I thought it was nuts he would complain to me as I love to go off running and here I was visiting the winery on occasion picking up my eggs and chilling to ESCAPE The household life for just couple of hours, escape MY household life- but then saw the mirror image of my marriage in THEIR marriage at times! HELL NO I know better than to think a relationship with an alcoholic when one is a non drinker ( or drinks moderately once in a while even) could ever WORK. I like when I visit but honestly am then happy when come home.

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