2023-03-30 - 11:47 a.m.
Propose a game:
Any time you just HAPPEN to look at a clock and it says 11:11
Then as driving after going swimming on the way back home, after a lovely conversation with the chill ZEN like presence of the guy who works at the pool ( it was a pretty deep heart to heart. He has been sober 17 yrs, talking of his wife and kid and sobriety and addiction- it all started about a comment about the triathlon trainers as he was expressing gratitude at me understanding if you show up at the pool when an exercise class is scheduled you are NOT going to be guarantees a lane to self. I happened to have lucked out and no one else showed to swim so happened to have a lane to self- but he said some of the folks in training sometimes assume no one else will show then... and well, that STARTED the convo...
He was a program manager for the county for years and jokes he has been "Put out to pasture" in this role out in this tiny corner of the county , out in the country in the place off the beaten path not so busy as the city he worked in for years in charge of programming.
This is his retirement job.
My Buffalo guy mentioned that he keeps seeing 11:11 and he is somewhat superstitious and said "I forget what it means but it means something". He said something about it indicating he should pay attention to the signs the universe is telling him. The something is now captured in a screen shot after I looked it up and read it to him.
I was thinking "Heck you got an invite to go to an AA meeting, there is your sign" but I did not say it.
And the sign that someone else made a comment that alluded to him having had a night of drinking the night before... he asked me if it were obvious he drinks? I said "Yes, you smell of alcohol so to me it is very obvious."
He worried how this looks professionally. (It was someone we ran into he does work for.) I basically said I think it very obvious, but as he does a good job consistently and is always acting professional my take is folks don't care if one is an alcoholic as long as they are consistent in their work performance and deliver quality on time consistently. Some alcoholics do this. There is a free pass for it in the working work I have noticed UNLESS one in a role where it MATTERS- like a caretaker. or a driver or some job where impairment can affect safety- running equipment etc...
But Priest, Pastor, Choir Director. Judge, layer >> Smmmhhh No one cares. Seriously I have seen bonafide serious heavy drinkers who are clearly alcoholics in ALL of those roles. No one bats and eye. I swear I have radar for this and notice and am baffled that everyone pretends not to notice. I can turn on the radio and even hear a slight slur and wonder "This person is on broadcast RADIO! Does no one HEAR that but me??" OR I have turned on TV and wondered same. I mean how can others watch a NEWS show and NOT notice the person was lit? I mean to me it is obvious.
Maybe it is just me?
I feel like I have a freaking radar to see it, once I see it that is of course.... I suppose I did not KNOW This at first about some of my friends.
I mean I never would have thought this about certain people until became close and observed it, observed the habits. But once seen it can not be unseen.
And as he was drinking he immediately was led to talk of the ex girlfriend he was so in love with; the wounding; and the mystical moment where he thought it was fate or a sign when he was headed to a sushi place and looked at google maps and there he saw her image in the captured GOOGLE image. walking on the sidewalk, the image captured that he saw.. apparently he saw this on Google maps when looking up the address of a sushi place on a particular street as he wanted to stop by for sushi,
So they reconnected and healed wounding but never spent time together again. She stayed at his place that night apparently.
And a few days later he said he saw her image on the google maps on that street.
Their thing had been to go out for sushi.
I personally think it was his mind soothing and a delusion as part of his grieving process, the not letting go of the beloved. I don't really believe that her image was REALLY on that google map image. However I just listened.
He is convinced it was real and convinced a sign, as what are the odds?
When he gets to drinking he needs to talk of the wounding he has not yet healed from.
He got triggered by me when he was telling a story and I asked "Was that when she broke up with you?"" After some story when they had a fight and she said "Just leave my stuff in a box on the back porch. I will come pick it up" when she chose not to go home and stay there one night.
It sounded like a break up act to me. I just made an assumption.
It was odd though how he got paranoid that somehow she had gotten in touch with me and spun some story and somehow she got a but in my ear saying she broke up with him.
He has this weird fixation of being angry at her about what she SAID about him putting him in a bad light.
It is a bit of an unhealthy obsession he still has with the pain and wounding he has
He has alot of anger and wounding and it seems to be articulated as being upset at how she made him look to others. I find it rather odd and disappointing he goes on about that - its easier to express the anger. He also DOES express the sadness at the loss of the relationship but truth is he is wounded moreso because he was so in love with her. It is just sad to see him focused on what was WRONG about HER rather than take ownership of his feeling of hurt cause it ended.
And the thing is this ended YEARS Ago. He is not over her apparently and maybe never will be is my read. She has moved on and has been in a relationship. He still has some deep wounding that has not healed.
But the odd paranoia that I see in him, is a bad sign as that too seems to happen when he is drinking.
I mean there is paranoia associated with alcoholism and it can be rather ugly and also rather dangerous.
I hear him speak of how he could not trust her.
How she would lie to him
Like when she went out for a drink to sit at a bar and read a book and chill by herself with a glass of wine. I get it- her desire to do that for herself. That is not about him or about her looking to meet anyone. It is about her carving time for herself.
But he would get upset if she failed to mention it. And she called him controlling.
When he mentions the things that happened, the small stuff truth be told I relate to her feeling of discomfort at his uneasiness at her having space for self.
I GET IT
I understand what it feels like to have someone not trusting you as they project their issues on to you It sounds like HE NEEDED Validation and there were issues in him that needed care for
That is the kind of dynamic I sense was causing trouble.
Its the same dance many have in their relationships- the push and pull of need together but also need to protect time and space for self.
All these are not unusual challenges.
But the thing is, this I know, for the alcoholic it can go TOO FAR... way beyond normal issues of doubt , worry and lack of trust. I am no fool. I am not going to deceive self to not see the potential DANGER of a HEAVY drinker having thoughts of not being able to trust their partner. I never heard her story and never want to. I honestly never wanted to hear much of his past in it either... I mean it is his PAST.
But I know this- to not ignore the signs of one who might have any iota of feeling jealous or put off and frustrated if they don't get enough attention. It is easy when courting or dating to do all the right things BUT Once in a commitment can the person follow through or was it great effort to be supportive of the partner's individuality, of having others in one's life in addition to the beloved? I mean I don't get the sense he would really have control issues, or jealously issues- BUT There is part of me that knows the alcoholic can't at a certain point CONTROL when they are going to have medically , alcoholism induced problems that CAN include such. So that is something I will not even put myself in the possibility of. Plain and simple. Too much shit happens that is awful due to alcoholism. I feel like it is the ROOT of the majority of domestic violence to be honest! (Even in my past, although my Ex who was violent was not drinking it was the family PATTERN started with the anger and violence of the alcoholic grandfather passed down in the family for generations as BEHAVIORS that were familiar and emulated- whether or not WANTED to do so. So this is my reality check:
Be mindful of signs of paranoia and that when a drinker is a heavy drinker propensity for paranoia will escalate IN the relationship! This time when together it was manifest in a paranoia that the ex girlfriend had my ear ( when he was drunk).
He brings her up EVERY TIME we spend time together at one point or another.
He just has not healed but it does get old living with a ghost of a relationship still haunting someone you are spending time with.
I just listened til he was over it..
OH but meant to write the thing I heard on the radio, as it was just a thought "If see 11:11 turn on the radio see what hear" but what I heard was kinda cool;
This is what I heard this AM at 11:11
AH crap I tried to chant it to memorize the exact verbiage. Getting old.. HA Can't EXACTLY Recall as wrote all those other things and it is out of my head.
"It is time to make a change
Ok, then, close enough. It was something along those lines. Very short and direct and clear.
I am not sure what change I am supposed to be making. I am going to keep doing what I do- but maybe with more discipline.
Maybe nudge the teens more?
Suppose that could be it.
My friend asked me to complete the application to be a respite care provider for her autistic son so she can get out and about a bit. One of my friends in BUFFALO REALLY Needs that kind of support! She could not get away to meet me for cofee and her boys are not up to strangers. It is highly disruptive to have someone show up at their home so she was not up to it. They were not in the head space that day to be up for it when I was in town.
So I can at least offer that help to my good friend here. She is the one I walk with, along with her son. and I so enjoy the time spent with her. She is a beautiful person. She and her Dad actually went to the Course of Miracles class years ago and I ran into her there. We were friends first and both happened to show up at the same time YEARS AGO.
Her Dad in fact is a beautiful man one of our mutuals met and fell in love with! She navigated that challenge in her marriage and has a beautiful marriage and a wonderful husband who just worked through her falling in love with another man WITHOUT It destroying THEIR MARRAIGE.
I love how that was navigated by him.
My bestie and I kinda coached him on what we thought SHE , his WIFE needed for the validation she needed at that time. ( I swear he did need some help! HA We were friends with them both and honestly I think all their friends just supported and loved them as a couple THROUGH Their challenge, through what we all saw as her insecurities and need for validation, and it helped them along to be honest. No one was interfering but offering genuine love and support of what would help them together. ( She got a bit paranoid at one point after she moved but his neighbors were still friends with him.) We gals were like "Guy, pick up any relationship books and find what works for you. Start with the pop culture ones- Men are from Mars... Five Languages of Love....etc... and find what speaks to you and makes sense and try something new for goodness sake.... cause whatever you have been doing is not working and she is going through SOMETHING and needs you to be there for her in the way she needs."
He did it. He humbled himself to learn and she humbled herself to turn to her HUSBAND to articulate the needs she was tempted to find fulfilled elsewhere as it is sometimes EASIRE to present a self not yet seen to a stranger than it is to one's own partner who has not seen one in the light of who you are NOW.
They figured it out and celebrated 35 years of marriage recently.
Back to work.
That is some work.
I have done what I tell everyone else to do. Do the work called to do.
If it does not COME to you, find the opportunities.
This is work doing pro bono as the company purchased my services at the business association auction,.
Time for dog walk. Of course now that sitting here the dog wants attention! Then to work.
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