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2023-04-15 - 9:19 a.m.

Gardening update:

As I cleared out the backyard beds, I recalled that the fancy expensive Holland tulips ordered from Brechs
are the ones I put in the backyard, which did not come up.

I have ONE pretty white tulip plant that emerged and survived.

I had to think about it more. The act of cleaning the back yard made me remember as I really carefully planned this envisioned glorious backyard and picked different colors and was super intentional in where I planted them all.

I recalled that is was the LATER Planted EXTRA bulbs as I wanted some MORE to grow and wanted some in the front and picked up a HOME DEPOT bag for $19.99

but then kinda almost forgot about them

and one night just got it done, and got them in the ground in the patch next to my front walk.

I recall I was worried there was not even room in the back for them, so decided to just crowd them in the front thinking they might not grow there but would try. I mean just to get them in the ground. I wanted some more in the back but never got around to it.

So it was the cheaper bulbs that ended up being the ones that are glorious this year!


AND I just think the soil in the back does not have the nutrients needed, or they get eaten there.

So I am done trying to plant them there.

I had a marvelous display this year! One year before the tuplips also were amazing. So from now on it is cheap Home Depot bags in bulk that I will buy for the front yard.

There is a flower and garden show this weekend. I think I am going to just go to walk around and see everything.

I have to pay my bills first, just to get it done.

I don't want to spend any money there. I think I am just going to look and enjoy it- but then use my SNAP when I find a place that has good VEGGIE plants and seeds I can buy with snap. I have spend money on booking travel so have zero discretionary spending just now.

OH DARN Today is ACTUALLY my son's birthday!!

I did buy a bouquet of georgous ( and a little expensive) flowers for my boss who is leaving the retirement community, I just really wanted to thank her and honor her as she has been amazing to work with and then for over the past seven years. I used my credit card ( cause I get the airline points!) for the flight rebooked and that. I have to pay those off! I do not intend to CREATE more debt so first thing is to pay essential bills and pay AS MUCH as can on the credit card. At least a couple hundred dollars to pay off those two items just added. But then back to using cash only. I only looked for and dug up that card ( I had it stashed away so could not use it!) so that I could re-book the flight as I realized that was a smart thing to do cause if you buy a Southwest flight with a southwest card (turned out I did not even have my bank card with me, so when wanted to get flowers for my boss leaving it was either get nothing or charge them as the only card carried in my phone that day was that Southwest credit card.

So the frustrating thing for me is I have a KID who's BD is today and I wanted to order that kid a gift or send a card or do something. This same kid moved in the past year and I have texted A FEW times asking for the new address and was not sent it.

I swear ADHD runs in the genes....even for some of us not diagnosed officially.

For a while there I was wondering if my kid did not want me to actually have the new address. Wondered if that was intentional?
Wondered if they were afraid I would give it out to anyone they did not want knowing it?

HA I do have some family/friends who are the type to be a bit... well... boundary times.
There are those folks who might want to come visit

And honestly this kid is not one to want to have some of the fam/friend circle I have just show up. So I wondered if there was intentional FEAR of that and intentionality in carving out who they want in their world with intentional exclusion. I have no problem with folks maintaining what they need to do to be healthy and happy and undersatnd if some want to not interact with others.

I mean all families are messy.

We don't choose what family we are born into, but some of us chose what family to continue living with/in connection with.

SO I worried maybe there was some reason.

The frustration would hit when I could not drop things off in the mail. I have postcards, cards,
actual gifts bought intended to send there..
which honestly I repurposed after again asking and not getting the address.

I relocated the Christmas gift and other small items bought intended to be sent.


So it felt frustrating as I was buying this somewhat more expensive bouqyet than I would have liked to have found... ($50) for my BOSS

when I wanted to send somethign like that to my KID and did not even have their address!

BUT... I did splurge for my boss because

She is freaking awesome
and deserves it

She is so gracious and you know in all the places I worked she went out of her way to be appreciative and show thanks to her staff. She leaves chocolate and thank you notes and gifts of appreciation to her staff. CONSISTENTLY Little small tokens. I mean CONSISTENTLY and heartfelt. Its not like a manipulation, not some MBA coaching technique Not cause its "good business" and "good leadership" but because in the healthcare space of assisted living she was promoted within she CARES about people. She was so GENUINE and CARING and authentic and wonderful.
AND she rocked her job, and rocked her boundaries KINDLY. She shuts the door to focus on her paperwork and administrative duties. She commanded RESPECT and treats everyone respectfully.

She is leaving a role for a leadership role of a promotion elsewhere and I am so proud to see her do it!

I am a cheap ass gift giver. I know this. I mean gift giving and gift receiving is not my language of love. It just was not part of the culture I grew up in... the Lay order of Fransicsan father with vow of poverty and all that... the serious Catholic tradition of living with simple needs met and "Live simply so other's may simply live" Thought as if being asture somehow raises the quality of life for others ( it does in a tangible way if you are taking your earnings and feeding others. To be honest my DAD did do that- in the amount he contributes in donations to causes. My mom would sometimes get a bit upset at this... The IRS audited us.. but I tell you with his retirement home in FL he did well and he planned well and he has this life of faith and giving and is a beautiful man and I don't see anytihg wrong in how were were raised to be so non materialistic.) I am generous in other ways... just not in buying of GIFTS. I am generous of time and experiences. They are just not the ones that cost money, I don't engage in consumer culture. I am more inclined to want to go see live local music than a headliner show. I LOVED seeing Bruce Springsteen but to be honest I was really yearning more to catch the preshow of new talent ,,,, HA HA and I might enjoy seeing that guy in a bar MORE. Give me the hole in the wall with insanely talented Steve ZERLIN ( local jazz cat ... I mean watching HIM play moved me more than Bruce did.) BUT Not to dimish or not be grateful for the bigger things...the things the world says are of more value...
I digress...

I wanted to really honor my boss BUT MORE THAN THAT

As the receptionist I see EVERY delivered bouqyet of flowers and every dontated arrangement that is brouht in from churches after weddings and funerals, and over the years
there was this ONE florist in town
that just is AMAZING. It is hard to explain the difference but the artisty of the floral arrangement is equisite from this florits.

ONe would not thin there could be such unique differnce in that. I mean flowers are so inherently buaityfil its like how can you possibl mess up a flowe arragement! BUT you can!
there is a way to artfully just be girst at knowihng how to arrange flowers , and chose tham and perhaps skill in careing for them
which some have better than others.

And I happen to KNOW who is uniquely actually the best in the ara at this.

So I have thought I will remember that florist and some day when I want to send or give flowers again for somethign important, for someone special- I will get them from there.

YES my boss is a special person.

So I decided , no one deserves the flowers from there more than her. She too saw them come in. She too perhaps notices the ones that popped as just stunning and glorious and more artistically arranged than norm.

I feel like after her years of service there, she deserved that bouquet.

It was honestly larger and more full than I expected. It was indeed, is I am still sure is just glorious and joyful and beautiful as any that ever was delivered there
and I know this
SHE WILL APPREACHITE IT and enjoy it and know she was so valued by her staff, by me.

I also often would do things on behalf of a group-
Get the flowers and give them in thanks from THE GROUP. I did that when the long time cleaning lady left there. She kept that place impeccable ( Store bought flowers then- a $10 bouquet.) I did it for my old boss on her birthday , and in both those occasions was surprised no one else really did much (one other lady for the cleansing lady- we collabed which which was nice.) I realize that wanted to give from the whole group was because I had an emotional discomfort, as was not really close enough, or did not really feel close to the coworker but wanted to honor the person. But it kinda felt awkward for me to give flowers FROM ME , and just me in those situations when it is an acquaintance I don't really know well. I mean don't really know other than the cordial polite working relationship. I mean in my family we are not lavish gift givers so there is a discomfort in doing that. I suppose this is similar to the discomfort I was sensing int he DC Guy I dated- who I think pulled back when someone gave him a gift he felt too personal, too indicative of authentic serious attached connection (the girlfriend he dumped after she wanted to gift a vacation; his pull back and finding it weird I found an art drawing of a fav spot of his- his pull back, but who I also notice is a NON Gift giver- no acknowledgement of my birthday for example- he did not give card or gifts- there is a discomfort at such emotional expressiveness- very New England Puritanical I suppose! I mean gift giving is not my language of love but he was even worse at it than me such that I noticed!)

So I realized I gave these flowers to her just from me, because in this case I felt like I had an actual personal relationship with her enough to not be uncomfortable with that and was able to take ownership of this being my appreciation and my yes emotionally connecting and liking and genuinely grateful to have worked with such a nice person all these years. I will miss her for sure!

I wonder though if this is also being more in touch with and being able to acknowledge and express my feelings- the taking ownership of them as mine and not having to hide in the group.

I think I too have been more emotionally restrained in some ways due to my upbrining.

Today is also the birthday of another co worker I am friends with. I like her much and she is a latina women who is all emotional expression. I found out it was her birthday when another co worker, not working, came in to bring in a georgous orchid for our boss who is leaving and also had a birthday card to deliver to her.

It was so funny- as I had this incredible bounquet and as pulled up saw the gal who's BD is it today who is my friend too. I parked and pulled out the bouquet which is so full and georgous and had the thought of pulling out a few of the flowers to tie into a smaller bouquet. Had I been at home with it I would have done that! Found some ribbon and turned it into two! LOL
But there in the back seat of the car, I unwrapped it a bit to find there was tape tightly holding it bound. I disturbed it enough to have the plastic covering the bottom which was wrapped with a water holding substance tightly-
such that the plastic wrapped loosened and then water spilled out getting the wrapping paper wet!

so I kinda almost messed up the presentation of the bouquet.

I decided there was no way to pull out a couple flowers for the BD girl without RUINING it, so carefully fixed the plastic again, and rewrapped the now DAMP paper bouquet ( wet on the back). I dried it to the extent could with a brown paper bag found in my car before re-wrapping. It was not a pretty and perfect as had been but still looked OK! "Good enough" HA HA
I wrecked the PERFECTION of the initial wrap job.

My boss had left her office momentarily when I arrived. The receptionist then working said "She just stepped out" and I said "OH i will just leave this and you can tell her they are from me."

And I carefully propped the bouquet, hiding the damp spot. I had fixed the plastic so it would not leak more and figured if she was not leaving work for a few hours it should dry by the time she left.

OH Wait just figured out no wonder I am friends with the one coworker! She has the same birthday as my own Aries kid! HA HA


So now to pay bills and figure out what to do to honor my kid today. Have to first confirm IS HOME. I do find it fun to have some fun surprise BD delivery. Over years have send cupcakes, cookies or flowers to kids who are living elsewhere. Now that I have the address I can do a search and find something I think is fun and nice! (I often have used ESTY Or EBAY in past! I would send holiday themed things. Found on line bakerys etc..selling through the esty shop that were fun and good.)

I don't have any other particular good BD ideas but will find something I like I think my kid will like.

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