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2023-04-30 - 12:06 p.m.

I have finally acquiesed and set up a new USA JOBS account to job hunt for a full time fed role.

I had been thought all but the final signing of paperwork for a job YEARS AGO.

I was so disgusted and disappointed at the final HR person's dealing with me- and how he seemed so dang disdainful and well
almost ANGRY
at scrutiny of my resume- really fixated on my volunteer work at refugee centers.

THEN he did a bait and switch on the role tile and salary.

It was unbelieveable

and I asked the one question when he asked "Any questions?"

"How does your agency vet for narcissism?"

He was so condescending.
SURE it was passive agressive on my part.

Fuck that, it was downright agressive in response to his agressiveness in this final meeting which was the salary negotiation.

I think I JUST FIGURED OUT what the hell was going on.

It turns out that when I set up the USA JOBS using an email I RARELY USE ( which makes sense as junk mail goes to it- any system emails etc and you know JOB HUNTING results in TONS Of spam once you are out there...)

the system FOUND my old account.

I had another with ANOTHER email in more recent years. THat one they CONSOLIDATED with my new company SAM ACCOUNT. (Yes my company is registered in SAM.)

SO because my consulting company, tied to me, and my personal email I have used in RECENT years are now all LINKED ( in the infinate wisdom of the feds--- they CONSOLIDATED login from a bunch of systems into the one NEW so called IMPROVED SAM system...)

I was not able to pull up usajobs and do a hunt using the email I have more oft used in recent years. It was just giving me MY BUSINESS
to boot
cause i set up that account on my PHONE Again in the infinate wisdom of feds... for security

you can not access the site on a DIFFERENT DEVICE.

cause SAM is how you review any request for proposal. I mean those are heavty ( as my kids say) BIG BOY DOCS

Just ridiculous amounts of docs to review
and specifications to read
I mean an onerous process to try to attempt on a PHONE

I mean nearly impossible to do on a little phone. I close windows inadvertedly etc..

it is just not feasible.

so yeah that is the constraint on my company being successful in finding work for others.I mean I look at FED MINE etc... but navigating in SAM SUCKS

and will UNTIL I actually DELETE and RE- start

WHICH .... having worked in operations....

I am REALLY Skeptial of doing. I mean last I knew there were systems contraints in MANY Systems that if you delete a data point you can't reintroduce that SAME data point.

Just saying...

I am in SAM
a bonafide vetted Small Women owned business that can be confirmed is there

and I am NOT going to mess with that!!

I CAN pull up RFPs in SAM on the public computer- as they are Public...

BUT I can't do it when logged into mY SAM acct!

If I ever saw a perfect fit for anyone in my world I would figure out how to get the proposal all prepared and saved in a drive somewhere so I COULD upload and submit it BY THE LITTLE ANDROID

Good lord
I am sure it would not be the first time a serious proposal was submitted via phone, nor the last if I had to do that!

SO I finally figured out how to get back into USA JOBS as the PERSON I am

motivated by the fact as driving home last night

My CAR darn near stopped. It did not

BUT it was sputtering

It kinda did- but for moving very slowly as I sputtered to the side of the road

popped the hood
and added oil

and yeah the oil was dangerously low

Miraculously I did not seize the engine

I KNOW I have to add oil periodially as it is running super hot

My mechanic did wonders getting this thing ACTUALLY Driving like a NORMAL car-- well for a couple of months at least

But then it started its slow down and the engine protective limp mode kicked in again *(a couple weeks ago)
and I am so used to it do not worry

BUT I forgot I NEED to check and ADD oil.

IT was raining. I added oil. Some kind soul stopped and waited as I then drove it just a tiny bit. Just to get the oil circulating-

and it was able to drive
BUT sputtering still.

I left it on side of road, caught a ride from the kind soul (who was out stopping at Chick Filet- but hey he was indeed actually a good Christian who stopped to help a stranger).

I was so relieved that after waking at 6:30, and taking my dog for the walk the several blocks to where the car was parked- IT STARTED and I drove it home.

BUT it was very motivating to job hunt for a FULL TIME ROLE.

This would be a BAD Week to have the car die. NOT YET... it is not yet time... a bit more on hospice car care please...

I will get it to work tonight
and then there are a few medical appointments this week---
FOUR actually now that I think of them.


three to four a week used to be the avg, and it HAS gone down but yeah it is a four appointmen week,....

( YEAH One is therapy of the 20 yr old! SIGH I know as the kid says "none of your business" but I tell ya all, if that kid is happier and healthier I AM SURE I WILL BE HAPPIER AND HEALTHIER .... being on the other side of abuse of a miserable peson sucks. These kids' STILL have their moments.. which they don't recognize are fucked up. Like it was pretty fucked up the way they went off on me when in reorganization of the kitchen they discovered some candy I bought and stashed so I would have nice gifts to give if invited anywhere at Christmas time AND OR ON CHRISTMAS could bring it out for our family to celebrate. They found some Clearance Godiva and a bag of the Niagra Chocolates and actually the RECIPT in the bag. They circled all the chocolate bought (on DEC 6th to be exact. I just pulled the crumpled receipt to actually read it- curious. The kid was ranting about how I spent $50 on chocolate and that was IRRESPONSBILE....
I was like "What they hell? What right do you have to monitor my spending? When you don't even have a job and contribute then you can have some interest."

They said "That was our FOOD MONEY! You bought it with SNAP"

I said- "YEAH cause I am good with money so was not going into debt for Christmas gifts as you would be surprised many actually do! I stayed in my budget and intentionally got what I could since did not have CASH FLOW"
It was amazing. For the record- it was $32 not fifty ... but that is quite irrelevant... the rest of the chocolate on that receipt WAS put inside the Christmas stockings! I reserved some just in case anything came up, which obviously nothing did. I think I was going to mail the godiva to my son and his girlfriend, and then realized I did not even have his new address. (He FINALLY sent it this Spring after like the 4th time asking for it.)

it was like deja Vu Of their FATHER who would rant if I bought a freaking CHOCALATE BAR I mean he was crazy weird and controlling. Fighting over non-essential purchases when he was a freaking loaded rich man. I mean LITERALLY RICH and controlling and anxious if money spent on any non-essentials.

It is so bizarre.

The kid said "YOU have food issues. Hiding food"

WHAT?? I said NO It was intended to be a SURPRISE PRESENT
* I just forgot about the bag stashed under the cabinet with the pots and baking pans under there and other sundry kitchen items ( a bunch we all agree we don't use and can donate. I mean how many chips and dip containers do I need? Considering NEVER use them the THREE that were there can all likely be given away. I think they were for the one large party thrown in years which was the HIGH School graduation of one of the older kids! The oldest of the four younger ones is the only one who WANTED ( or agreed) to have a party!

They are so broken.

I mean it is such a trauma response to not be able to celebrate at all. To not even be able to enjoy a bit of the extra candy I bought.

YET they can get junk food all the time and don't see the distinction because the items I bought are considered expensive ( in theory the "brand name").

It is so weird.
The echoing of the mantras they heard from him (whether they know it or not) is astounding. I am not going to even go there.. But I swear if I open the first entries of this journal it might be like dejavu of someone berating me about spending money on some food item someone wanted for their enjoyment *kids or me, but NOT the hubby at the time.

You know the office gift? Back in the day of white elephant Christmas parties? Food items , or wine or liquor are always some of the most coveted items...

just saying.

so yeah

someone here has food issues, but no it ain't me-

I do however HIDE Christmas gifts. That is a tradition of many. I do have a habit of finding hidden gifts in my closet, or in a drawer MONTHS or YEARS later sometimes! I like to buy personal gifts so if see something that reminds me of someone will pick it up and save it.

I still have this dragon diffuser I bought for my bestie, but then she decided to MOVE and purge her life of all her stuff.
I mean MOST of her stuff. She had been paying for a storage unit and had it stashed in friend's basements for years and decided to let it go. Non attachment...

let it go an move on.


I was SO HAPPY When I saw the chocolate they discovered ! That was in the AM before they were awake yesterday; and so surprised by their condemnation of me. BUT I should not be.

OH but that is not even what compelled me to write this AM.

It was completing a USA Job application ( those are a project in and of themselves) which will not allow an upload or submittal of a resume but insists on the actual crafting a resume with references of who was boss and phone numbers for each prior job. Can say NO don't call....
but really who in their right mind is going to do that?

I mean except if currently employed....
I always say SURE call former employers.

I know which ones are by nature avoidant and will never take the call. I know which ones will and will say good things ( yes there are a couple).

BUT most of the managers I direct reported are no longer in the roles and no longer with the companies I worked at anyway.

That ended up being good. I put the VP who I did great work for in one job- and the boss who left was tough on me but he liked my work supporting his business so that is in my favor that she moved on. I am SURE he will also remember the same things I am vividly recalling: the time I advised we did not meet requirements of the proposal ASK I was trying to get her to understand a technical narrative was also needed every time you submit pricing You can't just give the feds your cost without full explanation of what the hell everything means on your quote.

( OH but you can if you have a COR or CO who will accept that... HA HA And I a sure that in the past SHE COULD.. which was why she advised just submit it. I am also sure there was a surprise for her that there was a COR/CO CHANGE... and a new one was going to actually follow the rules).

She gave me an excel "quote" to submit in response to a proposal and I sent back inquiry
" I only see the excel;. I believe you forgot to attach the proposal"

She sent back
"That is it"

I called a team meeting with the Project lead- the VP actually, and his tecnical team who DO THE WORK
To get the specifications clear and the break down of pricing etc...
and said "We need a technical narrative"

We created it.

She got super upset at my audacity; but hell she was busy and there was an actual deadline (Not artificial) I was doing damndest we meet.

and said

*Keep in mind this was the actual Contracts Director I direct reported to.

So yeah
I know that VP will remember

OF COUSE we got an email BACK JUST LIKE I EXPECTED which could have been avoided
Asked " Please submit the required technical narrative"

I mean you have to be able to clearly articulate with specificity what the hell everything priced IS and WHY ESSENTIAL to the proposed project

BUT ALSO have to submit HOW justify the pricing int he market. What research did you do? How did you set these prices"
How is the gov being offered the best pricing for these services and products?

Its a thing...
and it the law...
I mean it is under regulatory guidance that has to be part of proposal

It was something

moments like that

So yeah It was clear why she was quick to turn from liking me to not. I did not EMBARASS Her
with any intention

I just thought she forgot the darn thing and I thought the company actually would be less concerned about her ego ( or rather thought she would be less concerned about how she looked in a moment! I mean she made ONE mistake! SHE ROCKED SO MANY OHTER THINGS and I have to say I LEARNED SO MCU FROM HER but I blew it then apparently... by actually being correct in what was needed.)

It was just sad to see that moment blow up
in her shifting her perspective about me (but it was the same time of the acquisition merger and a NEW person came in- the former contract director of the acquired company so it was like survival of the fittest. )

so the competition was on

And they both decimated me.
Cause I did not compete.

What is funny is that it only occurred to me there was no mistake on her part, except perhaps her mistake in thinking I would not know what was deficient in the response. It never occurred to me UNTIL NOW That she wanted me to fail; that she EXPECTED to throw ME under the bus and get me out of her way! HA HA
I am so naive sometimes... I mean after that moment it was clear she was orchestrating ways to make it look like I did not know what the hell I was going She could not fine reason
so INVENTED Reason

Her sudden claim I was not inputting my time daily. ( It was so funny My stats were higher than the GOAL she set for me on a PIP)

Whatever,.... people can act ugly if they feel desperation.

Some fear losing a job so acutely it makes them feel desperate. They need stable employment to feel... well Stable,

I am so glad I don't FEEL THAT.
I mean I am so over my emotional stability being dependent on remaining in any one job
beauty of working for self and having a couple different sources of revenue, as well as passive income.

So I don't like feeling TIED and BEHOLDEN OR COMMITTED to a full time job such that I have a DEPENDENCY ON IT.

I think that is why I have been reluctant, and kinda ambivalent abotu really looking for a full time role.
I don't want to be in that positon emotiaonlly

And truth be told it was a bit of panic at the thought of my car dying that made me thing-
I better freaking get back to the job hunt for full time.

There is a stabilty in hving that
I mean I was looking at cars on Craig's LIST

and I don't have the cash on hand to outright buy a car.

Only way I Could cash on hand is if the COMPANY bought a car! WHICH is hardly justifiable.

OR IS IT justifiable?

I mean to do business develipement I HAVE To get places.

CAn I tale the bus? or a Bike? to those places?

I honestly do have some BD events I need to hit up. I have to do this as if do not land full time I NEED to seriously pound the pavement and pick up more busines.s

SO that is a LEGIT interest.

But to buy a car for the company?

It would be for company use. Which would be complicated. I thikn if I do that for real I could not even LET my OBNOXOUS 20 yr old even know.

That is sad but true.

I had a computer that was here, donated. my older son's old college macbook.

I told the 20 yr old I was setting it up as company propery and gave kid USE OF IT

My kid got paid $20 per hour for the little bit of work they did.

they got TIRED and did not even finish the job. They started...

But never finished. AND took the computer.

Not getting a reference from me.


It is kinda sad to me.

I just want this kid to SOMEHOW be able to get off to college and follow through on their goal-

to be independent.

BUT what REALLY brought me here to write today was that I went to LINKED IN.
To look for the profile ( found not long ago... but not yet today) of the one Dixon Hughes recruiter who hired me and who was TECHNICALLY my supervisor in one contract job held in the last decade.

Heck that application that wants the whole darn work history and names...
I know he moved and figured use his linked in.

BUT they might not go back that far...

it made me think of the one gal I also used to work at who is on there. The Facilities Manager I tried to connect ART with when he said he wanted to get into that work.

He was so mysogonistic he said he was not calling some young gal for professional advice. I was like WHAT THE HELL? do you wnat mentorship and to learn how to get there-

He was such an asshole

His true colors came out
as he looked at her profile

young and pretty

I swear she is now in her 30s
I worked with her when she was an exec admin in her early 20s

He is an asshole.

Have to let some folks go and move on and yeah.... just don't look back,

I just wanted to say how I never before read ALL SIXTEEN of the POSITIVE REVIEWS and KUDOS she has on her Linked in for her amazing work as a Facilities Manager.


So... anyway... putting in a couple resumes on USA JOBS

And also other full time contract manager jobs in the area. There are always a few. As well as contract director roles.

If I have to jump in full time I will.
LOVE NOT working full time!

I am going to head to work EARLY this afternoon.. JUST IN CASE. If the car dies again will catch an Uber or Lyft and have it towed to the mechanic.

BUT it DID Make it home and is running. I think the added oil solved that short term issue and did no further damage. I think it is just back in driving in LIMP mode to PROTECT the engine from overheating and seizing.

I think this week I will pull the service records and file a safety complaint with NIST or all the times it would not accelerate over 35 MPH on the highway ( or whatever they are called National Traffic Hiway safety or some such)

I swear there SHOULD have been an engine recall on this VIN.

I can send the letter from the VA dept of Environmental Safety! That should do... even thought we got it serviced to get through the emissions. The testing was JUST at the safe level but HIGH for some measurment....on the cusp but PASSING.

I read the emissions report this AM and realized it. One the cusp...

I also read emissions CARFAX reports on a couple cars out there in the 5K cash range.

Problem is the only cars could get for cash will ALL have these emissions issues.

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