Get your own diary at! contact me older entries newest entry

2023-05-24 - 1:38 p.m.

Lo and behold
Surprise Email

"I reviewed your submission for the position of Contract Specialist, XXXXXXXX-Direct Hire GS-12, with the Procurement and Contracts XXXXXXXXX

It was determined that you were among the best qualified for the position. Therefore, you were referred to the selecting official for consideration.

Thank you for your interest in employment with our organization."

Now to understand; it is very hard to even get REFERRED and CONSIDERED for positions.

GS 12 full time; I would take it, thank you.

I was in the running for a GS IDK, bona fide contract officer role in the past (GS 13 or 14?)
at an agency that did the bait and switch on me.
Gave me an insanely insulting offer. I gave up on the fed job hunt after that for a while. It was just disappointing to go through so many hoops to have a shitty offer. THEN They rescinded it the next day after I did not sign it in person when it was presented to me for signature. This was after actually investing in a couple days ON SITE for onboarding training. That was just bullshit. I mean you don't have folks come and go to training and NOT PAY THEM- unless you think you are ....well god like comes to mind; the almighty power; so above everyone else- I mean that alone was really something. A big red flag. Just to not value time of others and think you as an org as that special. I really found it disappointing.

I felt validated recently when talking to someone who actually retired from same agency and asked when telling the story ( honestly I have not told the story - very select few. They don't typically know WHERE it was... typically were fam.. or close to me. But This person retired from same office.)

I felt very validate that the response was "NO you were not wrong; and good for you valuing yourself."

Cause as they agreed; the smuck was actually mysogostic and an asshole and made some judgement based solely on my refugee support work I was as he saw some "snowflake liberal" who was not fit to be working in service of the govt.

FU Asshole

I mean political views between Democratic, Republican, whatever... are ALL AMERICAN and we all have as much love for this county as any other American and can have genuine desire to serve our nations' interest with integrity, dedication and honor

Keep damn politics out of it when it comes to doing a job well and working together, and hiring.

I mean procurement decisions are being held hostage again for some political agenda ;
fed ops budgeting decisions
at whim of local level- I mean sure national level polticis but honestly on a smaller scale these are more granular CULTURAL WARS REALLY
and it is just abominable.
I mean there are freaking cultural wars playing out in the U.S. that are going to affect our economics big time.
If the govt is shut down it is not really because of economic interests but because someone is holding hostage resolution of the budget to get their social; other societal agenda heard in hopes to influence CULTURE

I swear it is BS

I mean what does abortion, any civil right, have to do with economics and operations of govts? The answer SHOULD BE NONE

I mean really

Culture is indeed formed by values. Sure we will have differeing values making up our mixing pot of a ocuntry BUILT BY IMMIGRATION

BUT operationally we have to keep running. The sound business decisions needs to be made without the societal large issues impacting the functional ability. Seriously do you stop paying your household bills and stop supporting the mortgage when you don't agree with all the behaviors of your familly?


Cause not all are growing up to be who you want them to be, when you want them to be it
are you going to pull all support?

That would be a childlike tantrum of the parent abdigating all responsbiluty. IN a CONTROL MOVE that would be intended to compel compliance but most likely would implode stability and bring down the whole damn house.

That is what some of our members of congress act like.

Its unbelievable.

And that was what that one dude I faced AFTER MONTHS Of going through hoops to be a the final point of a job offer acted like. It was something I never imagined til it happened.

His ego was huge and palapable and his disdain for me woman, with views different from his own, who DARED spend voluteer time with refugees ( he just kept fixating ont aht one thing- int he "Other volunteer work" listed.. I mean it was unbelievable how he disregarded the rest; disregarded ME with such anger it seemed to me... underneath coming out with disdain.)

So... in any case, I was pleased to get the email I am being referred. I applied for two fed roles recently after not considering the idea. I mean I do not want to commute to DC. I wanted to avoid that.

I considered in past a fed role only if not that far commute.
There are not many other than in DC for what I do. Few and far between. BUT There are a couple..

So the other (forget now even what agency) sent email from system NOT REFERRED as did not meet requirements.

I know exactly why-
cause its the chicken and egg quandry.

which came first?
A bunch of fed jobs actually LIST experience on the fed side WORKING for the GOVT in procurement or contract management in order to be eligible for even the most basic procurement or contract manager roles. Which is wacked. How can you get hired if you need prior expereice actually as a fed employee WHEN EVEN ENTRY LEVEL list same experiecne as a requirement?

Its a hard barrier to get over.
I spoke to one gal recently who did land a fed role and said the trouble is that hurdle- its hard to meet EVERY critera and you don't get through the algorithm of resume even sent for consideration unless you meet ALL the criteria!
She said
"Oh I just lied"
"Everyone lies! It is the only way to get hired!"

I was like "WHAT????"

She said "YEAH As no one looks at the resume once in the job, and they train you anyway so it does not matter."
Ummm.... I am not going to do that.
I think it does matter

It matters TO ME.

So my thought was "Cest La Vie"; Amen; So be it: It is what it is... move on
and just don't aspire for a fed role.

There is enough good work to do out there. I just have to find it or MAKE The opportunities I want.

Create work if need be. That is what creative people do- so if have to I will do that!

Life coaching , teaching, training, etc.. "Consulting" sharing my expertise. Those are all about creativly selling SELF and making ones own work!

BUT I looked just for kicks. Found two roles I WOULD LIKE...

So even though the other sent me the not referred letter.

The second is one I would be delighted if they called. It would require commute to DC as for sure is on site.

Not remote like all the other work.

IT would be an honor. I hope they at least consider me.

I could of course never SAY WHERE IT WAS and if hired then the talk of work on thus would be NADA
Suddently would be silent
once busy if working in a full time role.

HECK For the pt work now I should be silent too. I mean I only talked ancillarilly about building my company.

But really I should just STOP NOW on that topic too. Now that the stress of it all starting up is over. The stress of the initial grrowing pains.

Heck if I landed this full time role undoubtedly I would have to quit the new part time job I just started. BUT it would be SO worth it.

Funny thing is the salary is not what I would make in the private sector but I am not motivated by salary. I am motivated by supporting good work truly aligned with my values.
I will just say this. I can think of no other place I would love to work that is is alignement with my values in the fed system without any possibility of conflict over my values. I mean ZERO possibility.

*maybe 99%... come on.... LOL there is almost always SOMETHING...

BUT this one would not be the procuremnt of say.. ARMS.. bombs... ( LOL but have to think of the most obvious thing not in alignment wih at my core values. Sure I could support well thought out ethical armed forces but honestly prefer to do other things witth my labor. "I'm a lover not a fighter" lol...and all that...

But now I am a napper.

Go naps. All supportive of them.

The UDON noodles I cooked for lunch are taking me out. Seriously, my kids are tired all the time but they also live on ramen and udon. I find those TIRING to disgest. Like wiped out

In other news. the ob/gyn surgon told me at the follow up my uterine lining is thickened akin to a woman 3 mos pregnant.

So weird! She said it was hard for her to even find the IUD I had! It was like it was implanted too much- as the lining thickened and grew around it
AS IF My body thought I was pregant! HA HA

I wonder if perhaps somehow at some point I was? And the thing is maybe a miscarraige? Maybe some funky weirdness of pregant WIth an IUD? ( My super power being ridiculous fertility? I joke about this- but seriously It was just WEiRD and Odd and took a couple tries and then surgury for the doc to succeed.

She basically cleaned out my uteruse a bit..

do got the tissue sample for biopsy.

And yet even though no cancer YEAH FOR THAT
she STILL recommends a hysterectomy cause of the funky weirdness of it-

excess tissue; and fibroids. I mean I have growing odd fibroids.

Sometimes they dissovle on own; sometimes not and can cause pain.

I wanted her clear professional asseessment and recommendation. She recommended that. She can't see WAITING to see what happens in this time when it is so darn hard to find a surgon to even care for women on Medicare/Medicaid.

She is on salary at the hospital one day a week and had the room on her schedule so why the heck NOT get this taken care of when can.

The wait and see is sound medically-
but this is not so invasive and it makes good sense medically to not wait and see since CAN take care of this now.

With the excessive heavy bleeding
I mean it felt like a miscarraige to be honest the amt of bleeding- maybe it was for all I know...
It just seems like that could haappen again and that was awful to be navigating. It happened a few times- I mean it was felt like I was hemmoraging on more than one occassion with how heavy the bleeding was soaking a pad within and hr- like every 45 minutes having to change it. It was impossible to not have a problem and I was changing and washing my clothing every couple hours-

and on occassion AT WORK while this was happening! I would go to work with extra clothing and be washing my slacks or dress or skirt in the bathroom sink.

It was crazy..

and when this happened at home it was easier. I won't forget when it happened in Buffalo any my guy there was so loving in helping care for me- and doing laundry and sensitive and patient.

I mean he was quite a great support and wonderful through that.

He said once "If that is not love, I don't know what is"

and I think that is a true statement. We love when we care for those in need due to any ailment.

I think it made me not judge him so harshly for the comments he has made over the years about OTHERS in his life he does not spend time with and when I asked I got the response of their illness made it hard...

I mean one gal he was besties with is disabled. I just never understood why he doesn't spend more time with her as they were like best friends for years. They are still friends but I felt like her disability is why he is distant and I found that sad. Then when he met this other gal, and went on a few dates and I was asking if it had potential he said something like
" No, i mean she is dealign with cancer"

and I was just judgy ( in my head) thihnking SO the fuck what?? HELL people with cancer are not DEAD and they deserve to have relationshios ad be loved

and I was thinking So you are not going to keep seein her cause she might not beat it? how selfish..
I mean love anyway
even those who ARE SICK
and have disabling condiditons

Fucking love them anyway

How selfish to only want realtionship with the able bodied who are going to be able to go out with you all the teim.

I just dont' get it-
especially from MEN who honestly don't WANT to go out all the time but REALLY are seeking a woman to come intoe THEIR world allt he time

To me that is the ultimate narcissism
if the woman has a situation where you woud love her BUT FOR her ability to enter YOUR WORLD DUDE
and it would require you entering and supporting her in HER WORLD

you are a USER
and no you don't LOVE HER

you love the idea of her meeting YOUR NEEDS

but that is not fucking love.

I know I judge harshly but think this is a fair judgement.

So at least when stuck in the guys world who won't allow himself to go out beyond it (really that is his own limitation) He was able to love and support me in my moment of need actual disabling consition when it happened IN HIS WORLD

even if he has been avoidant of such responsibilty that love would bring in his lifre

YEAH he is a lifelong batchelor for a reason. He gets sensitive about me thinking and saying he avoids commitment BUT DUH
Hell yeah dude you are avoidant of commitment and the responsibilty that comes with it that would force to CHANGE and GROW.

It is nothing but truth.

But sometimes no matter how avoidant
people or a situtation that will force us to grow still comes to us.

He rose to the occassion.

Growth happens; whether we like it or not. Just like love happens; whether we seek it or not. Funny how that is.

about me - read my profile! read other DiaryLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get your own fun + free diary at!

WHEW Moment of truth of the car bidding on. I am winning the bid so interested to see what I might have gotten self into! HA HOPE GOOD - 2023-05-26


The tub faucet arrived! TO DO TODAY- work; then bathroom tub fixture installation - 2023-05-26


Work thinking of car. OK back to bed. - 2023-05-26


Random car fact. Car copy cat? - 2023-05-25


Another day of beautiful weather. I can't believe it is so late in day already! - 2023-05-25