2023-05-29 - 9:06 a.m.

Well I did not buy a car off Ebay.

The lister apparently sold it on Saturday so he said and he never pulled the auction listing.

Dumb

You should not sell something you have also listed on Ebay.

He said he could not cancel the listing? It's been a while since I used Ebay so IDK about how hard that is to do.

A little disappointed but not much cause I am not really itching to have a car yet.

Nice weather perfect for bike riding so suits me fine. Using Lyft is cheaper if I take it 4 times a week home from work and bike/bus the rest of the time than paying cost of car/ maintenance and insurance so economically honestly I woukd like to do without a car for as long as possible until I increase income
UnLESS I find a really decent cheap used car.

Until have increased income it's not really worth it to me to maintain a car.

I can rent one for travel as needed once in a while.

I am happy to have a day off today.

Its raining out
I have a novel to read and good ☕️
Yeah coffee

I left the cup reheated in my microwave yesterday and was at work sleepy really wishing for a good cup of coffee. I dud without it. The Assisted Living I have worked at for years is the better job of the two. They have a really nice sitting cafe area with coffee available all the time , right up front for residents/ guests/ staff and a Kurig in break room for staff. I bring in the Kurig pods for staff once in a while too when I see them on the Clearance rack cheap. The $3.50 box of 18 to 25 pods of some holiday flavored thing for example. Seriously those always hit Clearance at my local grocer. Pumpkin Spice in Fall, and marketed Christmas flavors with names like Sugar Cookies 🍪 or some such silly thing from an unknown off brand tgat doesn't fly in this market with few budget shoppers! Ha. One was Blueberry...I mean really who wants Blueberry voffee? I AM NOT KIDDING..THAT EXISTS.
I Guess the answer is the ladies working in the laundry room and CNAs or Med techs on the occasional overtime shift ! Ha. They are a fan of the coffee ☕️ pods. I am in a too well off town overall for no brand stuff to not hit the Clearance rack a bit. The nice thing is some of the fancier top notch expensive good stuff ALSO hits the Clearance rack cause even rich people don't throw away their money on overpriced unknowns! So I also found some seriously good dark grounds from exotic places. Lol ( not really...but You know what I mean...Columbian coffee one time. . . Some other place I forget now).

But there have been no deals of late so the Kurig sits lonely at work of late.

The funny thing is I brought the fancy coffee pods in after there was one truly obnoxious family member who came to visit her mom. This woman was something. She just was so entitled and obnoxious in her complaining that the Cafe only had regular coffee and regular creamers
She kinda made this scene about there not even being any flavored creamers for her mom.

You know the type of Karen...

Lol

She was hilarious In a way, her sense of entitlement.
The kitchen manager, chef came out and grumbled to me ( " Tell her where Starbucks is")
He is my work buddy- good guy- It's nice when I bring tge guitar to work and he emerges from the kitchen and takes a turn at it as he can REALLY play well HA
The few resident ladies who like to sit in the cafe area or front seating area get a kick out of that. He plays classic rock do we get to sing things like All Around the Watchtower... ( one of his favs for noodling....and the Roundabout which made me smile as Yes was the family fav in my house of my bros growing up).

AFTER her sense of entitlement and complaints I then just thought of my coworkers when saw the flavored coffee pods and figured staff may enjoy them. I likely would not have thought of this at all had she not complained. I prefer plain dark coffee myself but it waa fun to just put them.in there abd see the housekrooung staff get excited Boyt the coffee available to them. They of couse have no clue how it ended up there so I am sure feel a bit more apprechiated.

Seriously it is the little things in workplaces that matter.

Have coffee/ tea available for your staff. Snacks even better. Even a vending machine is apprechiated in spaces where folks are working long shifts abd might get asked yo work overtime. Especially when in low wage jobs!

So yeah the new job is just not as good as the one have had for years. I had a long stretch of working every weekend and at some point they had just cut my weekend hrs ( when I had the full time roles, other jobs over the years). I did not mind at the time. Everything has its season....
It gave me free time to travel weekends I was off so I welcomed that as it enabled me to develop the relationship and see my Buffalo guy. That was wonderful at the time!
Now he and I are settled into the comfortable decision to see each other when can and he's hood and I'm food with that not being as regular as that first year or two. I mean once it was clear he was not traveling here....well hell no I was not going to be the only one traveling to see him. He could have made it here but I am sure the security of his routine as well as alcohol habits/ availability all impact thst he was willing to fly me there to spend time at his house but he was not going to hop a flight to spend weekends at mine.
It wasn't even about the kids. He was welcoming and good with them Seriously going back 5 yrs he was " thinking of" clearing out the whole upstairs fir me to bring the kids there. ( He has a duplex. They are common in Buffalo and fantastic! )

I think he would have welcomed me and all my kids if I had been willing to up and move. I mean he asked me time and time again to cone to zbuffsko. He talked of clearing out all the stuff upstairs and fixing tge bathroom up. It needs work

But the thing is he does not quickly follow through.

He definitely has neurodivergant traits abd eiukd do well with a helper/ partner who he welcomed the help from and nudging from.

I think...
I am just not that kind of bossy woman. I refuse to take on mothering role in my romantic relationships but perhaps there is dome kinda way yo for that encouraging and offer helpful support without it being a not healthy dynamic. 🤔 I don't really know what that would look like.

I mean my parents were so content and happy but they both were self motivated so my idea of a good relationship is being in relationship with someone who has their shit together and follows through on what they say they want and intend to do but someone who is looking for support and positive encouragement NOT for someone to TELL them what they should be doing.

I feel like have dated a couple men who are kinda stuck and need some help but who won't go to counseling of life coaching to be decisively asking for that help and have maybe hoped I can provide that kind of support.

Nah

I feel like want to walk a path with somene. But they have to pick their path and I also have to pick mine and then we choose where and when we merge the two and walk together.

But I suppose I need my own time and rest respected as well.

Yeah that's it. I need someone to not expect me to abandon my path to join them cause they are stuck and stagnant and don't know where to go next.

Swear it it were not the drinking I would have been more open to converging paths.

That was the issue for me and still is. I had a nice chat but could hear the clincking of ice and slurring of words as it got later and later as we talked on the phone last night. I called excited to talk of my car 🚗 auction win.

I just know that would not have been a good idea for me.

Plain and simple.

GOOD DECISION

But looking forward to planning our next excursion. Will travel and enjoy a weekend somewhere. My guy accepted giving up his seat on an overlooked flight when he was heading out of town for something last year. He was arriving a day early so had time. The voucher offer to give up seat kept increasing sbd no one took it. He held out; then negotiated and ended with $1100 cash voucher in exchange for giving up his seat.

He has two more weeks to book a ✈️.

He is planning one trip ( to a Bill's game with buddies) but should have money left so straight up offered it to me if I want to use it to go anywhere or plan a weekend with him.

Use it or lose it. I sad let's plan a weekend. Can't do it do often that IDK either get do attached in a way...like heartache when gone type of feelings... I mean that happens...and the fighting we do at times is frustration I know cause that can end real. I mean we both can't pretend we did not fall in love. One knows when they fall in love. Two know when they fall in love together.

Ha we both suppress as my heart ❤️ even hurts when ai write of this

How does that phenomena fucking happen? Damn.

Ok I need coffee ☕️...and to chill with my novel and not think how it is inherently heartbreaking when fall in love with an alcoholic.

Drinkers out there keep drinking if you want to be alone
But if you really want to find someone and share a life get your asses into recovery .

No I am not the controlling type who would demand it.

Never can

No one can want to change that but the addict. And even then many who want to change it will try and fail

But there are those who try and succeed.

Any fucking addicting behavior/ addiction

There are some good resources.

Heck someone asked so found one for teens and young adults
So there is this NewportInstitute.com

And Newport Academy. That take insurance. Hell if my angsty angry gamer teens not working and not in school woukd go into treatment for depression I woukd send them

Refusal at suggestions

Can't force someone.

Those programs take insurance.

My kids so have alot of anger.

Yesterday I did get distracted.

This was my ADHD moment of the week:

Planned my day of doing some chores then biking to work at 1:30

So started boiling chicken peas I had soaked. We LOVE Hummus and after a tiny amt in the sampler bought from the Greek Deli that was good but really only so so... (To be honest it was disappointing and overpriced for $18. Sampler "Platter" but in one to go box with the salad lumped in with meats small cups of hummus Taziki and a simple dressing just like I could make at home with vinegar and oil and very few spices. Bad to be honest is my review of their food. Chicken tough and overcooked : forget name of thr chopped lamb meat into a strip you get with Slovakie but tell ya Bufflo has a few good Greek restaurantsso this place was big time disappointing as never had such blah so cslled Greek food before.)
So I figured I world make some hummus at home for us.

You soak dried chick peas overnight , boil beans on high then turn to simmer for 60 to 75 minutes ( sometimes I swear more!)
Well I turned the pot on high, ran to move laundry to dryer in the basement
( cause my kind, kind tenant Said I could use the machines! She offered when moved in Nd I said No as needs her own sos exeith clear boundary. She pays for the whole basement so I don't mind going yo the laundromat. I font want to be in her space)
Then came up to watch and lower beans

But then I get a call. About ride being offered to work..my bestie called

She of couse said " I called xxxx and they can give you a ride..."

My one kid was in living room doing whatever. I swear of the kid did not complain at any noise

I mean normal noise
Me living in my home
Taking a call
Putting on the radio

I mean whatever this kid complains

I have tried to NOT live like I have no freedoms yo enjoy my own home. Tried not to let this kid be selfish and rude and intolerant of learning to deal with LIFE

(But I also don't want the kids to just be in their rooms all the time

Damn just realized in Dad's home kids were in rooms all the time as ANY noise in rest of house was not tolerated by their Dad when. I LIVED THER AND HE ACTED LIKE THAT

HOW DO YOU STOP FAMILY CYCLES of behavior patterns repeating? )

So.... I at times think I am being courteous like I did yesterday when I then walked OUTSIDE

I remember literally thinking I shoukd tall elsewhere and not disturb my kid....

To take the quick call. I walked out front ( Why? Back door in kitchen woud have walked back in the kitchen).

So I come in and fog itching yo go out too. Grab the leash, smell a smoky smell and literally think / smells like burnt popcorn 🍿. We have popcorn and no other snacks left in tge house so my brain assumed " teen in room in front of TV, popcorn "

But notice tern also gone abd figured made popcorn and went upstairs.

Ot was like a 30 sec phone call ...
But
dog 🐶 wanted to go out too so I took the leash and of couse totally focused on then getting the ride for later,
Take dig for a quick walk and stop at nice green space for her and text back dude thanking for rude and asking him to text work address in town so I can walk over 4 when he leaves work to catch the ride.

Forgot the bean

Get a text "Where the hrll are you? Your gonna burn the house down "
Damn

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