2023-05-31 - 6:51 a.m.

And just like that; the VP I had joked with and disclosed my ADHD so casually-sent me a contract to review.
WHEW

(I mean I swear he is as neurodivergent as I, but in different ways so it felt safe in the moment... the only 1 hr in May suddenly worried me as I had not realized had not heard from him all month...

BUT I also noticed last month and the month before that company sent me stuff the final couple days of the month! I had noticed the pattern. I swear he has a TO DO list and he is discipilined at the end of the month working to catch up and be sure all on the list gets hit.)

So I feel better now and am not going to worry.

There is a pattern there.
They send work on Thursdays and Fridays ( When he is wrapping up the week! HA Anything they have not got done and need help to finish.)
AND
They send work end of month.

OK then-

They also leverage me when they need to.
Only for the more imporant deals.

I know this.

They have the template and my input and notes and Playbook for smaller ones.

WHEW I am just relieved to hear from him as #1 they are doing perhaps the coolest work imaginable
and unlike other companies are not going to destroy others while making money
but are legit going to help others.

I mean for real ( and I swear that is so darn hard to find).

OH and maybe this is a reminder.
Hold off on buying a car.
The guy is calling me from his self driving car often.

Tesla
YES I should hold out til I can get the car that would be BEST suited for me and do the world a favor:
at least hybrd
if not full electric.
Better for our enviroment

But damn how soon will solar hit market?

There is no freaking reason we do not have solar cars!!

Just rambling in my AM morning writing but they will come some day

Can;t hold out for that (HA HA) BUT maybe I can hold out for a Prius
go hybrid

Used Prius not hard to find ( if find one that had a recent battery replacement that would be great. That's the one expensive maintenance thing.)

My bestie suggested that car and another friend who's thing is tinkering and fixing THEM and told me she paid $1500 for her used Prius.

She was like "Yeah Volvo nice- but the maintenance is costly " AND our friend the VOLVO mechanic is older- we are friends with his daughter...and she did say her bro is also a mechanic ( but not sure if he is as good as the Dad who had 30 yrs working for Volvo).

I could get a car that is great but also expensive to maintain so really do need to think about this and not be impulsive in buying the first thing can.

Practially I am a rule follower. I mean really. So if it were bought by my business I know it is likely STUPID NERDY but tel ya'll I would still be biking
and hopping the bus unless justifiable reason to actually drive.

BUT Here is my rule follower creative brain- a creative salient way that I find JUSTIFIABLE to follow a rule and interpert it and be good with following in my mind WOULD include

sent a doc to review and then hop in my car and drive to the "OFFICE" To get it done

HA HA; be it a coffee shop
or the one that instead of paying rent I am getting paid for a quiet space to work with I swear minimal interruption ( less at times than the home office since I had to rent the basement! My home office is technically the 2X5 inch desk I use solely for work! Its a lovely old scroll top writing desk. BUT even so having that carved out space to be honest I work at the kitchen table more often mainly cause I like a cup of coffee when work in the AM and well, it is just easier..

So days like this. If it were not something important, when work comes in- if I had a car I could do the work this EVENING and send it back done . NOW when the client is in a different time zone and it is earlier there by hours - this is excellent.

The patience would be on my part.

BUT honestly my style is to get shit done ASAP.
I see the item in at 7AM and if not in middle of something else review and flip it ASAP.

That is my style.

So considering all that-
YEAH I am still justifying not being trusting that I would not have any issue buying the VOLVO in a way cause it is a sweet car. I mean I was more excited than the Toyota and where I live a decent $4000 car is hard to find.

The VOLVO also has the lux branding factor -
GOOD for BUSINESS

and no Elon Musk Haters ( bad for business! HA HA TESLA not the best choice around here necessarily for business.)
Oh but with the ADHD Driver I am all for self driving cars. In fact the VP who just sent me work is the one who sold me on the idea as he like to mull over stuff when hits the highway for the stretch.

OK cofee going on; morning pages ramble done and to work.

SO relieved.
I was HOPING to see something from him and BOOM there it is. This is why I did not SEND the invoice yesterday. I was venting as honestly YESTERDAY I was hoping there was work for me. He is just a day or two late from end of month pattern. HA HA Its like 28th work from him comes in.

So here is to hoping they leverage me 3 to 10 hrs a week again soon for some project. Hope it kicks up again!
Also going to follow up with local company who I need to send my contract to. The auction winner sent two more docs. I am going to flip them back with my contract for them to review and sign so I can bill them for anything moving forward.

And work on Business development today.
Reach out to the other business who contacted me. They never signed my contract yet but get the sense they need help and that exec just busy. I need to nail that and hope THEY TOO start sending work. Also on to do. Two folks need jobs. I am going to do my best to find them jobs. I have only the 5K in my business acct; My goal is to actually SAVE and have a bit of a nest egg THERE so that I can pitch labor on proposals and try to get work for these two ( security geeks; one has top secret clearance so that is really marketable). I just don't want to hire and have someone work until I have cash in hand to actually pay for the first month or two of their work while waiting for the invoicing of a contract to be submitted and settled. I get paid a full two months after I do work. I work and at end of month I bill client who pays me 30 days later most often. *SO I am trying to get enough saved to be able to know I could land work for someone else in any space and still PAY THEM no matter what happens with the client. I just feel like that is the best way to run a business- the business absorbs that risk of non payment BUT PAYS EMPLOYEES or CONSULTANTs. HECK that risk is WHY the business is WORTH giving a cut of for your labor. I get that! ( Reaon I honor the Upwork contract and did not dip to cut them out. Not to mention I like their invoicing for the clients found there! It is pretty easy to navigate and I think they deserve their cut.) I actually have three viable folks to potentially find work for , really four or five to be honest that I could potentially find work for if I wanted to hustle. That would mean revamping my web site to broaden its desciption of services to the other professional services I could support. I narrowed it FIRST to only the direct work I DO. I wanted to build business first and serve MY clients I am doing work for FIRST and raise both capital (through my labor) and rep and THEN branch out to support others' work in security services and data management and analytics. My recent step in that direction was pitching a couple folks to some companies I know. I started with small circle. AND purchasing cyber insurance! THAT IS KEY. I need to really start dedicating some time and reaching out and be sure they all send me resumes and are genuine in wanting full time roles. (I got resume from one, interest from others but need to know they are seriously interested before pitch anyone on a proposal!) I am sure if I put energy and time into that I could have a kickin proposal and potentially land a contract. I just want to be careful to not compete with any of MY CLIENTS so am being careful about what spaces to consider pitching a proposal to. The thing is I do not want to DO THAT UNTIL I also have some capital in my business. This is why trying to be frugal with my salary and get paid less to get the business rolling. I am better off not buying a car (for business use) and saving money so I CAN land work for someone else but I do not want to do that until I actually can PAY THEM Meaning could pay them the first couple months. I think this is realistic as a long term goal. I feel like if I work for a year the amt I USED to put into my 401 K can be saved in my own company bank account and be the capital I invest in hiring someone else. Its a solid long term plan. BABY STEPS STEP BY STEP I will get there. SO I really need to save capital and have cash in hand. I need to keep being frugal and living in the means of what I am earning and know to bankroll a bit for the busines invetment is SOUND. Cause no I am not financing initally by any angel investors or 3rd parties. I am not taking business loans. I do not want equity partners. I also want to pay of my PERSONAL DEBT FIRST. I want to clean up my own finances before really feel ready to invest in a business. JUST COMMON SENSE Maybe down the road, could consider investing OTHER'S MONEY- sure but not now. I have nothing to leverage and I am not going to put my home on risk as long as it is still the space for my kids which is definately temporary situation. Hell no; No they are not going to be dependent on me forver. This I know. I trust the current situation is a PHASE they need to go through for their healing and growth. BUT I think they will keep getting better... and better with age and I predict not be just like him. I mean he wasn't even as bad at his age as they are now (HA HA) Precocious as they are I swera they hit the ANGRY Post abuse phase and I am going to trust they actually use tools out there more than he did to get through it EARLIER in life and change. Hell one in therapy a bit already and that's a good ten years earlier than his ass was dragged into counsleing cause he had no other choice! The kid entered the process willingly THEMSELF. (Hope does not stop quit cause did not like one thing a therapist said. That is the thing- narcissists will do that. Take one comment and turn it into a reason to distrust the other person and full STOP the yes challenging process of therapy. Therapy MAKES one face their own failings so that can be hard.) So I worry it is narcissim when hear of mistrust of therapists or doctors as a pattern I think in some of my kids. I just hope they don't end up like that- but maybe its not narcissim; but just paranoia? OH random google seach "what personality disorder would be most likely to STOP therapy" ( my one kid makes fun of my long searches.. "Google does not work like that" I am told all the time when I ask a question. HA HA) BUT this is random find of the AM. I did not know there were cluster A "Eccentric" Personality disorders! OH!! fun... lol something fun to dig into more. ( I forgot that from the years of being a reader of the pychology course of study.) I had no idea Paranoid Personality Disorder a thing. Sound like PTSD to me. Likely just some older term used before that was even understood? Not sure what causes it? That sounds like some BS right there... HA HA Obviously trauma? I laughed when read women more likley to suffer and Divorced women NO shit this is PTSD symptom. So yeah my kids tend to distrust folks (as I know I have challenges with only sometimes- when it comes to bringing someone into my home at times when it is not family. After your SPOUSE was dangerous this makes sense) https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9784-paranoid-personality-disorder OK, the kids I trust will be alright- with each step taken when they are ready. I DO see steps taken ( albeit baby steps). Growth happens, time heals wounds etc... So I think they are on the right path albeit not as QUICKLY As I would like. I trust the process- and that they are going to keep growing and getting more self aware and more actulized into their own living and discovering gifts and using them rather than hiding and being avoidant. This I hope is not extended avoidance!! Will see when Fall comes around if the one launches out to college. I hope somehow it happens. The kid was trying to plan and wants no part of any help from me so I can only be a cheerleader and watch at this point and focus on my OWN growth and stability. Building my compnay is the best thing for me to do for myself long term ( and these kids honestly if they do have long term troubles; which I HOPE NOT but also have to realistically plan for the "What if" worst case scenario too.) SO yeah I have to keep at business development. Honestly the only way to make money is to be an owner of property AND OTHER'S LABOR to some extent. That is just a shitty reality. So I am focused on having ownership interest in someone else's labor in the most ethical possible way I can conceive of. WHICH is to ADVOCATE to l and high paying jobs for those with excellent work ethics and skills who would be EXCELLENT LOYAL long term employees YET who really don't have the stellar skills needed to compete in this market to LAND those roles. The job hunting game is different than the skills required to stay in a job. I fail at the staying in a job cause I KNOW I have that thing in me that prevents me from NOT SPEAKING TRUTH. And I do it even when it harms me. THere are those out there without that issue! H A HA Some will stay in their lean and quietly do their jobs. I can help those folls who are LIKE THAT but don't ROCK the job hunting and interviewing. I do rock the job hunting. I land interviews. I get befoer eht C l eval panel time and time again. Then I did not get offers - so I am working for self. OK Back to work now after my own cheer leading RA RA PEP RALLY. We all need to do that for ourselves sometimes. Take the tip from Tina Turner. I just read she would say EIGHT SELF AFFIRMATIONS for anytime she heard a negative comment. SO HAVE AT IT What are your eight self affirmations? I will circle back and answer that when I next hear a negative. Fortunately the last negative was only in my head. HA HA fear based worry of being judged for ADHD based on PAST experience. Thankful I know it was just my fear based on the past ( so see not really paranoia when it was grounded in ACTUAL past experiences. That is the distinction. I get it that it is not the best outlook to even HAVE moments like that but when had REAL trauma when the fear kicks it it seem so NORMAL and in fact HEALTHY To an extent when it is a GOOD protective instinct. This is why I have toruble considering it a mental illness to have realistic fears. And once had the REAL experinces you know the reality of waht is realistic... BUT the REALITY Is that your PAST is not your PRESENT.) OK here is my 8 affirmations .. what the heck they came to me. 1. My Past is not my present 2. My preasent is pretty awesome, considering all things overcome. 3. I am alive 4. I own my own home and provide for my kids in a safe, quiet, peaceful home ( for the most part. Only time not is when they distrup that- BUT The baseline is Provided BY ME FOR US ALL) MY KIDS ARE GETTING USED TO PEACE as the norm. ( Sure it is hard to re-set trauma induced brain but I see them succeeding!) OK HAVE TO GET BEYOND basics of Maslow here... 5. I have an enriching spiritual community/church I am proud to be a part of. 6. I have service work for others that I enjoy ( both paid and volunteer) 7. I have loving supportive friends. 8. I am grateful for my health! 9. My body does relax without being in the hyperkinetic state all the time! SHIT I feel like I need therapy when I tried to do that. Cause it is still just so basic needs being met. HA I have to get back to practice of guitar and trying to read and write poetry and get to artist dates etc. Have not been doing enough of that the past couple months I think and I start to FEEL it in my body. The biking is good exercie but the trouble is when bike commuting it is distinctly DIFFERENT from biking for exercise! I have the FEAR OF BEING LATE FOR WORK which I palapbly noticed in my body as I ride. The rides THERE are not relazing but I am in high alert in my body. ONLY The ride home is the relaxing one. BUT when that is NIGHT Biking I am then on high alert a bit as well for safety. So it it not providing me the calming balance that running for pleasure or swimming or BIKING solely for recreation provide. The pain of overdoing it also did not help. SO I am going to be sure to not bike too much and just catch the bus and Lyft and be careful about how much I do it. AND once this hysterectomy is done I need to walk the walk and work on finding ME a therapist again. I should reach out to the guy who said he WOULD Take Medicaid and see if he will. OR budget for private pay and go , even if only once a month. ( Does that work?) I feel like it would help just to not have the body and mind revert to the survival mode of thinking. I don't need to be in that space. I felt for a while I was NOT in that space! (Seriously The Artist's Way practice did wonders.) Back to work. I came back here for TWO things- to see what TIME posted ( as I started work immediately afterwards, so it is my timekeeping mechanism! I know when STOPPED work so come back her to see what time started as forgot to jot it down !LOL) AND to edit here and add one comment on my break as it occurred to me that my kids are nothing like their Dad and just wanted to capture that. They have SO MUCH MORE AWARENESS of family history of abuse and what is NOT normal and aspirations to NOT contine the patterns than he ever had. That is huge. I came back to add that one thought but wrote more of course! HA HA The morning has been good. In flow and getting work done. Back to it after a dog walk and strech of body. Maybe yoga- last time I was ready to do that someone else had just sat down to the TV! I would love an hour of YOGA today before I head to the part time work; after I finish this work of my consulting and my company to dos.

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