2023-06-04 - 6:47 a.m.

OK This AM I work and looked at social media first msgs sent via IG as saw there was msg there.
IG and FB are the apps get msgs on once in a while from the young lover.

What I did was very particularly and specifically ask him to reach me at my PHONE NUMBER
in response to his msg suggesting he come pick me up to go over to his house for a romp last Mon night.

I had texted back : SURE but I am at work; and if you want to maximize time I would need a RIDE so I don't have to bike back home and then shower and recover-

I figure I am ok with the sex only thing; but as always- not if the person is in any other relationship it would be a breach of ANOTHER- (guys or gals who are CHEATERS use only one mode of communicaiton and never their cell phone. Think about it. Its the classic reason for not allowing accessibilty to self and carving out a fling that is just a fling/affair and kept separate from their life ) * In his case that is not concern really ( BUT what if? I mean I COULD be naive! ) Knowing the use of social media only and not one's daily PHONE is one used by players I figured I would just throw out the rope of opportunity for him to be more of a friend and put some effort into supporting ME and see if he would respond.

I didn't expect him to. I just assumed he was not going to say "YES" to the simple request he pick me up at work rather than home ( 15 more minutes of driving for the pick up, 15 more minutes to his home.)

And I figured while Ok with being JUST the lover

I want to be VALUED
and if my sex buddy can't even invest in making an extra drive to come get me- he doesn't value me enough at all.

I mean I need at least that much respect and consideration
that the desire to be with me is not solely based on logistics of convieniece and my easy YES

BUT also thinking-
heck there is possibility that he could consider somethign more than just a sex only thing.

I mean that has been the AGREEMENT
the clearly curated thing we have

BUT I thought
why not re-negotiate? Cause I realized I should value myself and know I am worthy of that kind of love.

I am obviously one of those people who believes you can fall in love with more than one person in life and then it is a matter of CHOICE of whether to have a relationship and of choice of what kind of relationship.

So my thoughts really were that I do two things;

ask him to contact me by phone and
ask him for help

and IF HE RESPONDED and was willing to come pick me up at work on Sunday and go to his home ( Oh his text was for SUN night but also said perhaps then also come over Monday. He had that short window of the home to himself.)

then when WITH him see how our vibe is and have the conversation (heck inspired by Tina Turner) WHAT IF and WHY NOT?
and ask WHY he would keep me in the shadows as only the lover he hides.

I wanted to discuss and listen and try to be sure I have an absolute understanding of this being the sex only thing for him as to WHY

Cause when we connect he does that emotional connection thing of talking to me.
and reading ( Thank you journalers) someone ELSE's Journal of how she was valuing herself and sick of the sex dungon relationships where she is also the free counselor

I was like
"OH DAMN" cause it hit home that is what I do for young lover. I mean it is good. Make no mistake. (The other writer said same). It has been chosen

BUT Just like that gal-
we women DO enter into such situations NOT with detatchment ( I can only speak of myself and that gal who shares her soul and her physical experiences here too on DL somewhere...) we two ( it seems to me) ALSO share our actual love. We extend real love with openness to attachment and the more.

Cause we really do want the more. ( Henry always pushed me to say he really thought I did. And yeah he was right, that ultimately I do, and he said he thought EVERYONE really does want that partnership but it is fear holding back and yeah sometimes other priorities or constraints. In his case he and I had our "carve out" of being lovers and not considering longer term cause he was so clearly in love with June still. YEAH you can love more than one person and I really think that is the nature of love. It is INFINATE and a source we can all be open to pulling from and being a part of- there is this really profound deep love we can all experience and we can experience it with more than one human and opportunity arises to open up lives to that all the time. I really think it is a matter of how to do so APPROPIATELY To the responsibility and commitments made.
So some, like my neighbor Fauci, have to learn when they are seeking to dip into that well of physical sexual love as a balm
and when it is more appopriate to be more intentional and conceintious is workign on SELF and recognizing sex can be either the connected expression of your long term love
and sure it is also fine when the balm
BUT as far as your CHARACTER
one needs to be intentional in choosing their own control of impulse to do what is good for their relationships that matter JUST as we choose to control other viscertal bodily impulses when eating. We don't eat anythign we desire whenever cause know it will not be fulfilling.

Neither do we accept or offer sex or succumb to impulsive desire for it at any opportunity
casue we as adults know it will be destructive in long term to the relationshops that we want to be our anchor
our foundation
and central to our lives.

For me I think that meant/ no means loving my kids first. Not wanting to bring a man into my life as central
for as long as my kids need to be and know they are central in my life.

And if feels that is the cusp on.

That these kids are adults and they don't NEED me to be central in their lives at this age-
they NEED The opposite
They need for me to be available
and for them to carve out their lives and choose who is their tribe
but I need to be there as a support and I feel still a safe place, the home for them to be able to always return to.

So I know with intentionality I am not looking for a lover who would be long term. I wasn't sure that was possible.

BUT I have said NO to the possibility of being in a relationship with anyone who can not and is not willing to come into my world enough. My world of my kids. I can't just abandon this home, their needs EVER

It is the foundation available to support them on their paths forward.

So all this came out this AM when thinking of moments of synchronicity with this new love interest
which came on the heels of the young lover not following through
which I expected

cause sometimes he does and sometimes he doesnt'

It is very predicable as he prioritizes his needs; and I think it was predicable as he was not going to make EFFORT when asked
cause he is creating the carve out of a non relationship curating that
and for me to flip the script and ask for differennt when it was not on the menue of offerings
well he was not going to serve and deliver more.

I knew that.

But it was also my signal I WANT MORE

I figured I would talk to him and let him know when saw him that this thing we share has a shelf life for me. I can enjoy him once in a blue moon for the is what it is

BUT if I see him too often and there is nothing there other than sex I am NOT ATTACTED at all at some point when disconnected from emotional connection and actual love of each other.

It worked at first as there was that prior connection of the many prior conversations. See we KNOW each other at a deep level. The actual sexual union when happened was after foundation of the concern and friendship and connection on a different level. For me it was just the thrilling realization that layer of sexual attraction was YES mutual
and for me it was, I know, developed and the result of the prior foundation of the shared connection of friendship and concern.

I mean we had more than a few conversations at deep levels. He is just that kinda really smart, deep person.

And he really is a good guy. He would LIKE to meet a gal HIS AGE and fall in love and date with intentionality of marriage and kids
HE WANTS THOSE THINGS ( or did and went for it; then got burned) He is trying to figure out if he still wants them.
AND I get the gut sense to be honest HE DOES

But wanted to pose the question , after a couple years-

Reevaluate
What do you want?
If you DON'T WANT KIDS
hell Tina Turner's husband was 16 yrs younger Look at that.
Consider being a man and not keeping me in the shadows and actually DATING.

That was the conversation I wanted to have IF he was into me enough to show up and put in the effort to give me a ride from work rather than home.

I kinda KNEW he was not going to. I am a convieniece. I know this. My willingness to be with him was based on MY emotional connectnedness
His was on my openness to his advances. He flitred and then made the pass at me and I said YES

and it has been such fun for sure.
BUT it is not what I want long term. I want a more fully develop relationhip based ont ha foundation of friendhsip and mutual respcect.

And this is not it. ( Which is why I stopped it at one point. I was like "done with this -the guy can't even give me his actual cell phone # I am done playing)

* BUT I FORGOT I said that- as at some point when he hit me up I responded again, suppose thinking Why not?
and it WAS good
it was fun

I mean it is seriously nice to have a good lover for a change. I am not kidding-

With DC guy there was so much that felt curated and forced. I mean its like he is on a mission to learn how to be a good lover and wants to learn "technique" but is looking for realtionsho with that as the goal- good sex. Its an oxymoron as I think when you do that the sex is Meh... OK... at best. I mean its the alchemy of love at a deeper level that is the ingredient you can't insert if you don't hold it in your relationship. You can't substitye with something not the real thing

Its like asperteme
is just never hits quite right and is always slighty off.
and then has damaging results you don't expect or know of. It can be darn right destructive.

At least with young lover there was an authenic connection for me before we were together and I think FOR ME that is EVERYTHING
knowing that connection is real.

I need to know I am loved for me in the particular.

And am so OK with the sex without love; but interstingly only when I first develop a friendship and first develip the foundation I NEED

Cause I don't just have sex- there has to be for me, some emotional connection- feeling of care and love for the person
FIRST

EVEN if it is not in the context of a committed realtionship. It has to be there.

So it is just weird to me that is the context of my Sunday/Mon night when I got the msgs from my bestie while at work on Sunday inviting me to come meet her after work. I had not heard back from him by Sunday night after asking if he could pick me up at work. I knew I would not.

And I knew it was cause he was working and would not see my msg til late.
So I said YES to meeting her out
and he could at any time give me a cell phone number and choose to be more connected; to shift into relationship
but that is not what he is looking for and I am not going to be the fool to wait in expectation.

So it was very expected I would not hear from him

I figured he would not even respond that night and expected him to respond on Monday.
Just assumed that
and I went out with bestie to meet her and her friends and we had the fun music smorgasboard which ended with her in the final desination of meeting Gandalf and his bestie at the last stop.
We whisked through town , to get in the little bit of dancing where could as sampled all the live music offerings
then settled in socializing with Gandalf and bestie and the owner of the final stop ( the one who's name I did not know)

Was SURPIRSED when I got a msg from young lover that late Sun night. I honestly expected him to blow me off after he was not going to be willing to drive to get me. I did not think I would hear from him til the next day (figuring when safe for him to not be asked to DO something for me! HA HA)

and I was not thinking of him in the moment. He extended the invite and I sent back the yes but- only if you pick me up @work essentially, and then did not think of him much as knew that was not happening.

So then in the questioning of "What do you think my name is?"
one of the names I threw out was his. It just came out-

And I was sitting there engaged in conversation with Gandalf when my phone buzzed

But I did not get any verbal msg. I instead get an image of him doing his thing pleasuring himself

which surprised me ( although it should not have frankly! HA This is what it is all about for him; his self pleasuring.)

and I think I said "OH, that is a surprise. Text from someone I did not expect to hear from"

And the wizard asked "Did you think of the person recently"
and I said honeslty
"Actually yes- it is weird as when throwing out names for the name game their name popped in my head"

True-
and he said "Syncronicity"

* Funny I did pick up my phone to call my one friend in Buffalo who I don't talk to that often and she was on the line as had just called me in recent days.
So yeah it happens

I forget now if I let him know then I was out and where might have? or if it was the next day when told him I opened that when out at the place we went...
but I was engaged in conversation with Gandalf at that point

and he had not gotten back to me so we had no plans, so I did not engage at that time with him via text.

So that Sunday night young lover never got back to me and I went out and met Gandalf that night.

We connected and it was such great conversation. I had intended to stay at the home of the daughter of my bestie on her couch-
but she does have a big dog I am allergic to so it was WAY Better and kind of Gandalf that he offered to pick up my bike with his truck and give me a ride home.

That was super kind and apprechiated. BUT we both know it was also cause we still wanted to keep talking to each other. We both wanted to learn more about each other.

OK so that was the context.
Me not wnating just a sex buddy

and having already had the conversation with young lover so he is clear-
but thinking maybe talk to him if he did pick me up with my clear intention

That I am wanting more.
and offering possibility,

BUT then I met someone else.

Weird
Not looking for someone else. But met someone maybe that is possible with.

Will see.

I did dishes and laundry after writing this- left it open
and let the dog in back yard.
She tunnelled her way out.
I was going to take her for the walk after chores.

Getting shoes now and off to find her and bribe hopefully to get back on leash.
She is so bad!!
she has not done this in MONTHS (thankfully)

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