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2023-06-04 - 8:52 a.m.

Yeah the adventurous dog came back.

So that means I can bike to church and make it on time for Service and the Mission Committee meeting today.

Its the Pot luck sunday, and committee meetings. We hold those after Service along with the communal sharing of a meal with intention to welcome all and make all the workings of the church really transparent.

None of the background church ladies that run the show but no one else really knows what is going on; or has buy in with decisioning.
I love this collaborative local church community.
So not patriarchical like the Catholic church, or mysogonistic
or GAY FEARING and bashing
or Racist

I mean its truly a gem.

If I had not found it I think I would be inclined to just practice Buddhism practices in context of my Christianity. Heck makes sense as Merton is likely formative in my faith beliefs as much as anyone else. I love Richard Rohr's content and his Spirituality Center.

So time to write and agenda and head off. I just sunscreened self and have to wait a few til putting make up to cover up the scarlet of my nose and chin!

HA HA Sign of kissing

It should never be something of shame LOL
Seriously those who are kissing that long are not doing other things...

I was thinking I never had a kissing session last that long but then remembered the college days. The days of not sleeping with my date. PERIOD
TRUE they were never time wise as long as this-
BUT THEN it came to me, The times I had this brush burn from day old growth of beard

the the kissing of the man who became my 2nd husband.

So yeah there was one other person I kissed like this in my life for such duration.

It was a weird thing to recall that. As I had in fact forgotten.
I wrote a poem once about how it had been years since he kissed me like that. (During the years of affectionless marriage when all the communcation was anger and control and his own frustrations.fears I think bubbling up in anger at me. All his unreasolved trauma that needed some outlet. So any little thing was the hole to vent it out. This is what happens when bottling issues, not dealing with trauma. A person can kick the cat so to speak , or whomever is in their control that is weaker than them.)

I was happy I was just able to don the mask at work! LOL That worked.

But today I will put on make up as I am not going to wear a mask while biking! I have been masking at church still. I think I forgot one time and went to my car as I was still not comfortable NOT Masking there.

One of the church members and her family had COVID LAST WEEK

another two weeks ago...another a couple before that.

It is still here just not as pronounced. So I just don't want to get it.

I am happy it is not going to be ridiculously hot and that the discomfort of my leg is not so pronounced that I can't ride.

I will see how I feel AFTER riding to chuch to decide how to get to and from work. I might just call a Lyft; but if I feel ok I may ride. The thing is the pain is when WALKING and shoots up the whole leg so it might be some pinching of a nerve from muscles that are sore and inflammed perhaps a bit and for some reason those do not hurt WHEN riding but only when walking after time.

I can't run either, it hurts. And its disappointing cause

HOLY #*$& YEs that is what I thought

The guy wanted to take me to the theater. Asked if prefer Kennedy Center or something local
to take me on a proper date this week.

of course I can't find my phone and even COMMUNICATE with him. Unless I SHOW UP at his house.

I just thought of that. I was going to fosus on the cyberstalk method and see if I could find a viable email! HA HA

I found the twitter so tried that. I mean alternative means of communicaiton are essentail and dumb me I never gave him my HOME land line!!

I have been using that for BUSINESS primarily now!!

I did leave a msg on twitter but KNOW he does not USE THAT platform! HA HA I figured he would find it MONTHS from now actually.

So that likely won't work.

I think I need to ride in early, bike and swing by and leave a note.

OMG if there are Hadestown tix at the DC theater that it is at ( Signature?? I was so excited just now did not hear what theater. )

It would be like a dream come true. I mean the crazy thing is that this feels not only very real but also very realistic.

Like OMG Like that crazy falling in love feeling.
And when I really like someone and WANT a relationship I do that thing where I take it slow.

Its very different from when I consentually enter a sex dungon! (HA HA I have to call it that from now on after reading the other diary declaring same for the sex only relationships where she also becomes therapist and the emotional support BUT GETS NONE OF THAT IN RECIPROCITY. Sorry fellas a good orgasm is really not enough.)

So yeah. This is so crazy. I mean if that happens I would be so happy we could share that incredible show, beautiful romantic show celbrating love and hope together.

I could write more- Suddenly Seymore was the ear worm Gandalf could not get out of his head and he said we could blame my son as the clip we watched from Little Shop brought that to his mind.

He said the song was just the ear worm in his head since so he wanted to listen to it as we laid there together not actually able to sleep a wink if we tried. (Oh but we tried. It was insuffably impossible to sleep.)

OMG what an amazing thing to meet the man who wants to take the physcial slow. When in a dating realtionship with someone I REALLY LIKE that is my mo jo.

I do that with intention.
Cause I want being together to be MORE and SPECIAL and not just sex.

So this man is aligned with that and I swear the first man who flipped the script on me and explained his intentions with clarity

I never have actually DISCUSSED other than setting the boundaries. So his communicaiton is alreay better than mine. I had in the past heard it was at first confusing why I was not open to sleeping with my beloved.

For me I guess a trust thing? (but could it be a control thing?)

I wonder.

But in this case that quesiton is posed about ME not Gandalf. I am getting ZERO red flags of controlling behavior in him at all thank God.

OK off to be on time for church today,

Don't FORGET MAKEUP ( swear have to write it just in case forget) AND MASK

I stopped masking when socially connecting with those in my life. We were socializing outside for most part but I accepted risk when in small spaces with few people.

but I will also have to write about the one other incredible experience. My bestie knows SO MANY PEOPLE and is the ultimate connector. As we were all heading out to where we planned to hang out, we were walking from June's child's home where she was that day after leaving my home that AM, and were going to pick up her and her stuff to help carry her bags to Gandalf's home then head to the restaruant-

and she sees a door and says
:Hold on

and knocks on it.

Like she always does- a diversion
No explaination

the man who opens the door is a dude I WAS IN CONVERSATION about doing contract management work.

I never called him back cause I was in a mistrusful mood. I got the text from him after meeting him ON MY PERSONAL CELL
and had given both #s- HOME as work #, card to check out my professional site

But no communication at my WORK EMAIL ( I did not have his)

just a text one night , a Sunday at 9:30 PM

saying "I need help with contracts. Come by see the studio, around?"

And I was like
DAMN he does not want contract help. Fuck that I am not showing up at his studio on a Sunday night.
What an asshole

That was my thought

and I was SO disappointed as thought he was just gaming me and full of shit about professional work and wanted a hook up and I was insulted.

I mean the conversation WE HAD was intense and full of synchronicity
and I mean it was like ... this incredible connection

But I did not trust his intention and blew him off.

I figured if he really needed help he would hit me up proper.

He was in fact negotiating to work on jingles with a major account.

Well turns out he DID NOT LAND It
and I know if I were a resource he would have done better on the pitch.

Heck he is an incredible talented artist.

SO we had this amazing experience of being able to GO IN THE STUDIO and WATCH his process the other night.

He had two fellas working with him and no lie it was what he does, like all the time.

He creates.
They play to create
I mean it was kinda like watching the video of Taylor Swift co writing.
Just sitting bouncing around idea after idea and PLAYING to see what comes BUT in the STRUCTURE.

He uses timer and counting, and building of beats and then collaboration with everyone in the room, and recording each idea

THEN he mixes it all
with mad crazy equipment like I have never seen in a bona fide kickin production space.

He was not full of shit.

I thought it was going to be a guy in his bedroom with one synth and a computer. I mean it was not what I expected.

The level of intensity and his world

And we had this amazing experience of listening to these artists-
Rap, hip hop

A bit of R&B
and getting to play creatively along with them

was freaking such a gift.

AND yeah he may need some help Not now. He landed another commercial contract but he will flip me real work and really want to collab when needed.

This time I will trust him.

The cohorts, two young fellas said YEAH He works all the time; obsessed.

When I laughed and told him WHY I never responded he turned to the young fellas and said-

Come here- you have to hear this

Hear what the white woman is saying... (Then laughed and said "no offense")

You gotta send communication during business hours;
you don't you won't be taken SERIOUSLY

It was not a racist comment in the least , the way he delivered "white women" but for him calling out my lack of trust (in his mind) that he assumed might have been based on race
NAH it was more based on the fact he is a very attractive man and I think if knows how good looking and mad talented he could TAKE ADVANTAGE of women with that

Had nothing to do with his blackness in my mind; just that I do not trust going to some strange place without more details- I mean he did not send email of his business, so of course was not going to respond! He, I think, when called me "white lady" was emphasizing there are cultural differences to the younger guys he was mentoring? IDK he said he was trying to be funny and it did not land. But the question was raised as to why I would assume ill intent from him from an email later in evening/night. Would I assume same from anyone ELSE? Thing is he was inviting me to come to his studio and did not follow up with email for my business or give me his business email. At the time I intended to email his business to find out more details of the needs; and then use ZOOM or phone to hash anything out! No need to show up in his studio. However it was so fabulous to have been there to see the actual work they were doing and know at least the business itself is legit. (Still would not show up alone!!)
But that was after we already had hung out and he did not at the time recognize me from when met ( at besties' BD party where he was doing his thing DJ/live music - the final one playing who kept that party hopping).

Got some text can't capture here since lost the phone

Something about when let the brain think in fear
the soul will pull us back to purpose

Kinda like even when we self sabotage

He freaking called it out from his perspective of my lack of following up in response. So I found the old text and sent my business email and asked him to reach out there. Will see if he does. Even if he doesn't, mad talent- the guy has incredible giftedness and it was so fun to sit there listening.

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- - 2023-06-05


Phone found. Just need to arrange to get it back. - 2023-06-05


I really want to known his BD. - 2023-06-04


Doing some things at home til tummy feels better. It is feeling off... - 2023-06-04


OOPS don't want to appear ghosting anyone, especially Gandalf! - 2023-06-04