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2023-06-23 - 7:19 p.m.

It is suddenly occurring to me just how ...essential? 🤔 the help of my new boyfriend is.
I mean I am so stubbornly independent.
I am strong, resilient and push through challenges and figure out how to get by on my own

And have no thought of asking for help

And I think the thought does not even occur to me I could use help

That I do things without support so often

That it is hard to even have such feelings of vulnerability in any kind of relationship

To even trust and have my heart open

Yet

I just fell for this man with such

It's so hard to describe

Such a feeling of , he says " comfort", but I call it familiarity

And such joy at the many seeming uncanny shared things
The I don't know, synchronizes

And it is such a blessing that he is delighting in my companionship and so gently just really SEEING me
And caring for me

I told him that is what is so different.

I feel absolutely SEEN and loved.

Without any attempt to disillusion self by making me a vision of what someone wants. It's like I felt past men were looking for someone to fill their desired need, fit in some part of their world 🌎 ...often never saw me but just the image they projected onto me and hoped I could fill their fantasy of who they hoped or wanted me to be. Some tried to mold me or shape

A manipulation
By various ways...

I recognized a while ago for some reason I so want and am attracted to strong men ( so I thought), strong in sense of self as did not want anyone who could not accept my strength.

But the men I attracted somehow had narcissistic traits in them,
not truly secure,
but a deep insecurity masked by overconfidence.
And, such need for validation exists I think in that kind of person such that while my independence is what attracted , it is also the thing the narcissistic will be threatened by and want to kill.

Sometimes quite literally.
I mean it's like the narcissistic has such trouble not seeing someone as extension of self so completely, and wants such ownership and possession to a jealous extent that if the beloved leaves the anger is so great it turns vengeful.

I saw those signs of men I dated only seeing who they wanted to fit in their world
Not seeing and loving ME

That was the disconnect I felt in my 2nd marriage and then honestly in the dating relationships ( or carefully chosen lovers kept compartmentalized at a distance) who all shared a trait of at some level being emotionally unavailable ( but for the one man I broke the heart of when he proposed years ago. The only guy my kids liked who they said I should have married BUT who I loved yet honestly never felt that attraction to. I never FELL for him romantically. I chose actions and tried to CREATE the relationship but no matter how good the man, one can not force falling in love.

I mean nor can one STOP falling in love..

Yeah I have fallen in love a few times. But wisely said no to another unhealthy relationship at signs ....

Catch and release my dating style.

Or sometimes catch and enjoy for a while but always with intent of following separate routes at some point but sharing moments intersecting together along individual journeys.

Clear understanding between my lovers and I after I broke the heart of the one. I vowed never to do that again.

But this guy, I mean with Gandalf it is so different. I told him last night I feel truly seen.

So today I laughed with delight as my fav poet simply yet profoundly wrote on Twitter

" so much of being a good literary citizen is simply saying, "I see you"."

Ok Sean Thomas Dougherty left out the quotes around "I see you" and I am guessing cause a Twitter character constraint ( or are quotes no longer necessary?)

Grammer rules not that important....obviously as I don't even edit to follow them ...

But

When I read that tweet it hit so hard


So much of love is simply the true seeing of another.
Knowing you are really seen
Understood

But not only that, then Also
Admired
Cherished
Valued
Cared about and
Cared for

Which circles back to the beginning.

I realized as I got up from the desk I have been sitting working at, and was met with a shooting sharp pain in my left leg, going from upper thigh down to knee that truly THIS WEEK I NEEDED this help my boyfriend has offered me so lovingly.

I really overdid it on that 40 mile ride weekend-

Too much
Too soon

That I so NEED this care just now.

I mean my new boyfriend and I just want to do nothing and rest and work together and just BE together in this early discovery and gentle unfolding of learning of the layers and complexity of each other's lives.

I love the gentle slow care Gandalf takes. He rushes nothing.

He is so fully present and attentive.

And so devotedly caring for me

It's the nap I can fall into while he is working downstairs.
The space he allows
And yet at the same time neither of us want space yet


He travels for a couple weeks leaving next Fri. So we have this limited time

The in between me having been gone and his leaving for this new discovering of each other.

But what I realized is just how much I NEED this care now

This week

When I returned home and have this crazy packed schedule of two jobs all weekend.

I started at 7am

Break in between before 2nd job.
Then work til 9

I had client work too. ( Thu always the busiest client work day for me. Then wrapping up work to do for clients on Fri)

I mean just jumping back into the physically present receptionist/concierge work too.

Even though it is the sedentary, sitting still reception work

I really NEEDED the help this week for the getting back and forth. To take a lyft both there and back for the many shifts working over this week would have been a financial hit.
And I need rest to heal.

So what a gift this new love
And this desire we can't satiate ...but enjoy the slow simmering of
For this week
As he cares for me and prioritizes my rest.

Its so beautiful to be cared for and just such a gift.
He is gone then during weeks I have only a few shifts.

Will be able to take a Lyft then. I have a friend, a fellow avid bike rider who is gone tomorrow with his family on a backpacking camping treck long ride from Philly who offered to help if I need a ride. Just a family I became friends with over the years as the fellow's parents live at the retirement community and this family has Kids my kids age so I chat with them all ALL THE TIME. I have been meaning to visit the mom's art studio actually for some time after an invite to do so. We have talked of riding together, the guy runs sound and is interested in helping with the arts org next Fall if they are interested. I know we could use some help with set building and he is up for that. He travels to work shows for fun ( music- running sound). I know I could get help and a ride from those friends made while working at the one assisted living place where the fellow's parents live. It was really kind of him to offer and I would be comfortable accepting as I know they will be happy to help! They go to the retirement community all the time anyway! ( It might seem weird? At work? I don't think they understand some bona fide friendships are incubated over the years between staff and family members. But hell we have nurtured a friendship over YEARS!) So yeah, I would take up the offer of a ride when in need, even if it were from a family member of a resident and some might find that odd. The difference is I did not ASK for help. My friend OFFERED.* Oh my gosh the other couple I became legit friends with at work had asked me to go to a show once ( I was working so could not go). Another son and husband wife were dead heads and wanted me to travel with them to experience a show, lol!! That guy was retired , decorated , military which was so funny. His Dad a retired senator and we played a few games with his Dad and other residents on various slow Sat afternoons!! Lol. Fun memories.

I love my work and the friends made along the way. Relationships do happen and they are honestly what make such work different and special. ( Hell can never accept GIFTS from fam of residents, but a ride in when my car us dead in the shop? I don't think that is crossing a line considering it was offered and considering the kinda comradarie that just is!) One of my fav people is this one daughter who comes in that I chat with all the time!! She is absolutely amazing as a wife, mother, advocate abd caring daughter. Just so many really good peeps met!

It's certainly more comfortable however to have the care and be driven by my boyfriend this week. Honestly I likely would be too proud to take up the offer of a ride from the biker dude. I mean It would feel too odd. Like even if it was not crossing a line might ge construed as such so the problem is that once I THINK About it I am aware that OTHERS Might judge and that would professionally be a bad idea.... Too bad.... People sometimes are stupid.

Another family offered a ride weeks ago and I Said no as wouldn't even consider it! I love riding the bike!! That is in fact the whole point! I want to ride.

What is different now us the realization my leg is injured. It was not just sore overworked muscle thst needed rest to heal. I did something to it and should not (ok CANNOT. Repeat CANNOT RIDE) for a while. I mean post hysterectomy as well is yet another reason to not consider it. (IT MAY BE DUMB BUT I NEED TO REMIND MYSELF TO NOT OVERDO IT!)

YES bike riding, or even hiking is an impossibility for a while. I can go for walks as my body is comfortable.

At some point this coming week I will get over to the Kia dealer and think I should bring my boyfriend with me this time.

I feel like I just so much need his help now.

He came into my life
And I literally need his help now in this very real way.

It really dawned on my today. Just how he happened
When I didn't even know my own needs
As am so uses to ignoring them.

Or making do.
Alone


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