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2023-07-06 - 5:57 a.m.


This is a gem

Andrew Smales inteview founder of Diaryland

I love the humility of Andrew.
The fact he comments that he is not sure he could ever be in that 1% rich cause there is a mandatory SELL OUT
of pretending that you have, that you are, something you are not
AND the idea that it is still possible to just make a REALLY GOOD PRODUCT
or Provide a REALLY GOOD SERVICE which will distinguish you from others in a market such that you can do well enough.


Well enough
AND have time to focus on YOUR FAMILY.

I love that Andrew and his Girlfriend said NO to move to California and settled with dogs then kids and were really grounded in their home and family life.

I love that the guy I am dating has such great stories similar- of ALMOST selling a designed product; but that he in fact is so darn chill and authentic and doesn't play the game of sales and BS and pretend very well.

I love his authenticity and that he cares more about people than money.

BUT most of all I love that there is this really silly DL song that Andrew created!!



So fantastic

YES ANDREW it will be hard to ever get rid of that...

but be proud
as any creation of even bad art which makes folks laugh and smile is ...well....


So this AM I am trying to motivate myself to meet goals. I figure positive reinforcers work, but hell - since those authoritarian parents are the ones rocking productive kids grown who do not live in their homes past age....(ok used to be 18, but now lets say 30!! YES 30 is the new 18 , right?? HA HA OK I exaggerate and should not wish that upon myself.... How about 21? Reasonable?? I am going to envision my kids are independet by 21. Fair enough)

Oh but it might not happen until I get a bit of motivation going... as in negtive reinforcer? Authoritariian style?

OK Will start with self.

SO my thought process is that I have goals not met.
I aspire to write SOMETHING with some genre, some form.

some structure and a beginning and end. A point.
Yes I want to write with a POINT
Not just the diary ramblings.

I want a cohesive story
a moving short poem
a sript that can be actualized into a piece of theater (Oh the dialogue I HEAR that I wish I could capture! IT IS SO GOOD! I mean that fight between the kids and I over me making Spanikopita when they were so ANGRY it was for the PARTY and my expectation that they might come along as my family to celebrate the 4th at a pool party at my friends' home? That dialogue was GOLD I mean screenplay GOLD it was so funny...

I mean the passionate " You don't love us. You are not making food for your FAMILY, Your making it for your new friend to try to impress! It is all about HOW YOU ARE SEEN. You want to look SO GOOD"
and the retort
" No, it is in GRATITUDE"
with the dramatic emphasis "This man CHROCHETED for me!!"

Who does that? Crochetes granny squares with a vengence and gets the ladies fiber arts group to help just to meet the deadline of having a prop for some Tiny Readers theater out in the middle of nowhere
that is showing at a barn adorned with a sign "SENIOR CITIZEN SHOW"

as if it were my big break out Broadway debut??

I MEAN It was so incredibly CARING and LOVING of my friend who SAW ME and knew how much joy that whole venture was for me. Oh and no mistake my friend was sharing in the joy.

I mean it was such a giving act of him.

So yeah I wanted to give back to my friend. Hell not about how I looked to others. That was not the point. The point was this friend of mine who has been so loving to me and giving to me is one I wanted to express apprechiation and love to

AND he is planning on moving so I want to value the time I have with him before he does head out to the next phase of his life!

The home he is living in is not his. He was a MANNY
helped raise the kids of a fab couple he is friends with, who are moving- and the incredibly beautiful home they lived in is on the market.
( If you have a few million dollars for this freaking georgous mansion. I mean it is nothing short of a mansion.)

It was so funny as my kids were mocking my RICH friend-
and the disdain of rich people was palapable. Not sure where they got that from-

BUT my friend is not rich, just smart and capable and a freaking incredible designer and gardener. I mean he painted and decorated and helped design the custom gardens. He is this incredibly talented artisan of all things. Come on now... he is a creative... I just know they would have had such fun if they would have been open to the possibility of being a NORMAL family and going to a party their mom wanted them to come with her to...but my fam is not normal. They can't pretend to be... such is my life.
No they instead are gaming addicted whether they admidt it or not,and pack together and socailize together but don't want to engage with the outside world. They all were chatty and gaming and up til about 5 am when the birds started chirping and I awoke and then SUDDENLY They got quiet. I mean there was a buzz of noise of their chatter, and their arguing at points, throughout the night. I am lucky my tenant does not mind the background noise so she says. She says it does not bother her. I fall asleep to it and through it.)

OK so the idea I have is this. Try to have discipline. Positive reinforcers have worked for me! (Think back when Henry would flirt and PRETEND he was going to come over FOR MONTHS before he did. That was a good run of months of that talk on the phone being enough to get my ass up to clean my home. It freaking WORKED.... ah but then he came over... WELL That STILL Worked! I was cleaning this house before he came with such energy. )

YEAH positive reinforcers work for me. Lovers have served me well. I mean I have not told them "I really need a lover cause I need to have a guest in my home to motivate me and my family are anti SOCIAL so it is EASIER to have a lover come see just me at night than deal with their extreme anxious avoidant personalities cause they are dealing with trauma of abuse and feelings of abandonement"

BUT REALLY - that was about the gist of it.


Coupled with my own lack of trust.

OK so the idea is to set up a motivation system FOR ME to get off the idea train and into the ACTION TRAIN.

I mean I need to write my own crappy songs.

AS cringeworthy as Andrew's silly fun DL song! YES ANDREW you are my hero cause you did it! IF ANDREW you KEPT AT IT....well someday you would of course write a bona fide GOOD SONG... if you WANTED To. IF YOU LOVED IT ENOUGH To put energy and time into it.

and got over the fear

SEE The fear is a real thing.

Its not that I don't LOVE writing, creating. Its that I let anxiety and fear and COMFORT lead me to doing what is EASY rather than pushing through to the discomfort of GROWTH


I know this.

So I figure use a negative reinforcer. Try that!

I am picking paying to support the interest of ART
I figure if I start making donations to poetry sites that support creation of art
it will motivate me to at least consider finishing editing an actual work product-
a poem or a story , or essay

and SEND THAT in a submission. Cause if I am going to spend money in donations in interest of supporting poetry, well I may as well also submit- right?

I also just thing the VENMO handle of @PARISREVIEW is so freaking BRILLIANT that the curator of the space it supports deserves a couple good cups of coffee and a danish at Starubucks, where maybe that creator will write!

Or at least edit
The Taco Bell Quarterly
(if not quarterly once in a blue moon)

AH I am going to try to use this as my negative reinforcer. Or maybe it is just a lazy way to feel contribute? Send money instead of doing the work?

I feel that...that temptation...
BUT I am going to try to be motivated to actually do the work. There is alot of source material I have and I think it is a matter of curating and editing it down!

I read a poem from an incredible author yesterday. BUT I saw a poem within the poem.

Seriously, in the three pages I found the two paragraphs that in themselves were a complete and beautiful poem.

I feel like I may have an unpolished gem in here , or in my notebooks, somewhere- that I need to just give a bit of attention and a cut and buff here or there so that it can shine.

Oh and in other news I am also going to curate a new habit. Job hunting. I spend MONTHS applying for SO MANY JOBS
Full time jobs I did not really want but would have taken if they were best for my fam.

Today I job hunted for jobs for my KIDS- the 18 and 20 and 21 yr old here. I sent the best ones found they might possibly find of interest to them. Found a job I can see two out of the three do so sent two of them the postings found. One is a dog day car a shorter walk than the walk to school was. The kid would learn grooming there. I could see one of mine enjoying that work.

I still think it ridiculous that I have the perfect job for someone with POTS and did not get ether of the two home in to interview for it. I seriously was not interested in the new pt role I took on but hoped to get one of them to the intervew WITH ME- I know they could have gotten hired at that point ( the place was DESPARATE). I also know they both have the skills and COULD be friendly and courteous just a little bit for the few interacations that one has AFTER HOURS with people!
True the phones have bursts of busy... but they would be fine with that too if they gave it a try.
I just don't get it. Why they are not motivated to get out of this house! I mean I go to work and its got AC and there is someone who has cooked for everyone there so I get a nice hot meal without doing the work! I mean it is just such a PERFECT job for someone with physical limitations! I am not suppose to LEAVE the desk at all! (but for a quick moment when absolutely necessary!)
Well, it turns out I really enjoy the job anyway. I like going to work and meeting nice people and having the quiet time AWAY from home!
When catching the bus to go in I don't feel like carrying my computer so have just brought my journal and books to read. I should be able to find discipline to write more structured while there! There is that as a goal.
I write SO OFTEN but it is completely stream of consiousness and I have such trouble with structure.

OH so goals:

Practice guitar more
STRUCTURED WRITING- as in a project Pick a genre and write in the genre.
*choosing a call for submission to respond to may provide some structure.
* Sending money when not submitting may be motivating
( problem is it may not be as I find that donation to support that you love valuable in and of itself. I don't REQUIRE a return. Therein lies the trouble. Its not much of a negative hit to me- I mean I do LIKE to donate to support things I believe in.)
KICK UP MOTIVATING YOUNG ADULTS TO MOVE-- Make movement in some respect- GROWTH in some area- go to a class; pick up a job.
* Send jobs to apply to
* Get kids the community college registration catalogue to look at.

They need to work or be in school (or both) soon.

Today is going to be a scorther.

I got some flowers in my planter that I had start roots in the house. All the glass jars cleaned and the New Zealand pansies ( which like cold!) transplanted to see if they will survive.
Will water well. The Daylilies this year are blooming! Reds and pink and coral blooms that last a day.
Time for a nap as my morning pages done-
and to lock up the house to keep it as cool as can as today will go up to 95 and possibly 100 so they say!
Then to work. I should have consulting work to do today. I check at 9AM ( sometimes earlier but today will wait til 9 and get more rest.)
The AC estimate came in same as last time. They sent the SAME company! My neighbor had a full replacement so I was hoping maybe the tix would go to a difference company and they would suggest replacing my system. NO such luck. Was worth trying!
Oh well.
NO AC for a bit. There are good rebates so it is a good time to replace a heat pump. Will do so when can but not just yet.

Three more days before my boyfriend returns from his trip to Iceland with his cousins. I can't wait to see him. Its hard to believe how much I miss this man.
His comfort, his care, his being has brought such joy.

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Book to look up - 2023-07-08


AH I can go sit poolside today while Rest! ALMOST forgot about that!! - 2023-07-08


West coast city has high rainfall. Hmmmm - 2023-07-08


Should get 2.5 hr of sleep now. 😴 - 2023-07-07


I wasn't done writing apparently! one more thought inspired by TACO Quarterly Thinking of a gal who did work a taco joint once. A shitty summer job. - 2023-07-06