2023-07-06 - 5:57 a.m.
This is a gem
Andrew Smales inteview founder of Diaryland
I love the humility of Andrew.
I love that Andrew and his Girlfriend said NO to move to California and settled with dogs then kids and were really grounded in their home and family life.
I love that the guy I am dating has such great stories similar- of ALMOST selling a designed product; but that he in fact is so darn chill and authentic and doesn't play the game of sales and BS and pretend very well.
I love his authenticity and that he cares more about people than money.
BUT most of all I love that there is this really silly DL song that Andrew created!!
YES ANDREW it will be hard to ever get rid of that...
but be proud
Oh but it might not happen until I get a bit of motivation going... as in negtive reinforcer? Authoritariian style?
OK Will start with self.
SO my thought process is that I have goals not met.
some structure and a beginning and end. A point.
I want a cohesive story
I mean the passionate " You don't love us. You are not making food for your FAMILY, Your making it for your new friend to try to impress! It is all about HOW YOU ARE SEEN. You want to look SO GOOD"
Who does that? Crochetes granny squares with a vengence and gets the ladies fiber arts group to help just to meet the deadline of having a prop for some Tiny Readers theater out in the middle of nowhere
as if it were my big break out Broadway debut??
I MEAN It was so incredibly CARING and LOVING of my friend who SAW ME and knew how much joy that whole venture was for me. Oh and no mistake my friend was sharing in the joy.
I mean it was such a giving act of him.
So yeah I wanted to give back to my friend. Hell not about how I looked to others. That was not the point. The point was this friend of mine who has been so loving to me and giving to me is one I wanted to express apprechiation and love to
AND he is planning on moving so I want to value the time I have with him before he does head out to the next phase of his life!
The home he is living in is not his. He was a MANNY
It was so funny as my kids were mocking my RICH friend-
BUT my friend is not rich, just smart and capable and a freaking incredible designer and gardener. I mean he painted and decorated and helped design the custom gardens. He is this incredibly talented artisan of all things. Come on now... he is a creative... I just know they would have had such fun if they would have been open to the possibility of being a NORMAL family and going to a party their mom wanted them to come with her to...but my fam is not normal. They can't pretend to be... such is my life.
OK so the idea I have is this. Try to have discipline. Positive reinforcers have worked for me! (Think back when Henry would flirt and PRETEND he was going to come over FOR MONTHS before he did. That was a good run of months of that talk on the phone being enough to get my ass up to clean my home. It freaking WORKED.... ah but then he came over... WELL That STILL Worked! I was cleaning this house before he came with such energy. )
YEAH positive reinforcers work for me. Lovers have served me well. I mean I have not told them "I really need a lover cause I need to have a guest in my home to motivate me and my family are anti SOCIAL so it is EASIER to have a lover come see just me at night than deal with their extreme anxious avoidant personalities cause they are dealing with trauma of abuse and feelings of abandonement"
BUT REALLY - that was about the gist of it.
Coupled with my own lack of trust.
OK so the idea is to set up a motivation system FOR ME to get off the idea train and into the ACTION TRAIN.
I mean I need to write my own crappy songs.
AS cringeworthy as Andrew's silly fun DL song! YES ANDREW you are my hero cause you did it! IF ANDREW you KEPT AT IT....well someday you would of course write a bona fide GOOD SONG... if you WANTED To. IF YOU LOVED IT ENOUGH To put energy and time into it.
and got over the fear
SEE The fear is a real thing.
Its not that I don't LOVE writing, creating. Its that I let anxiety and fear and COMFORT lead me to doing what is EASY rather than pushing through to the discomfort of GROWTH
ALL GROWTH IS HARD
I know this.
So I figure use a negative reinforcer. Try that!
I am picking paying to support the interest of ART
and SEND THAT in a submission. Cause if I am going to spend money in donations in interest of supporting poetry, well I may as well also submit- right?
I also just thing the VENMO handle of @PARISREVIEW is so freaking BRILLIANT that the curator of the space it supports deserves a couple good cups of coffee and a danish at Starubucks, where maybe that creator will write!
Or at least edit
AH I am going to try to use this as my negative reinforcer. Or maybe it is just a lazy way to feel contribute? Send money instead of doing the work?
I feel that...that temptation...
I read a poem from an incredible author yesterday. BUT I saw a poem within the poem.
Seriously, in the three pages I found the two paragraphs that in themselves were a complete and beautiful poem.
I feel like I may have an unpolished gem in here , or in my notebooks, somewhere- that I need to just give a bit of attention and a cut and buff here or there so that it can shine.
Today I job hunted for jobs for my KIDS- the 18 and 20 and 21 yr old here. I sent the best ones found they might possibly find of interest to them. Found a job I can see two out of the three do so sent two of them the postings found. One is a dog day car a shorter walk than the walk to school was. The kid would learn grooming there. I could see one of mine enjoying that work.
I still think it ridiculous that I have the perfect job for someone with POTS and did not get ether of the two home in to interview for it. I seriously was not interested in the new pt role I took on but hoped to get one of them to the intervew WITH ME- I know they could have gotten hired at that point ( the place was DESPARATE). I also know they both have the skills and COULD be friendly and courteous just a little bit for the few interacations that one has AFTER HOURS with people!
OH so goals:
Practice guitar more
They need to work or be in school (or both) soon.
Today is going to be a scorther.
I got some flowers in my planter that I had start roots in the house. All the glass jars cleaned and the New Zealand pansies ( which like cold!) transplanted to see if they will survive.
Three more days before my boyfriend returns from his trip to Iceland with his cousins. I can't wait to see him. Its hard to believe how much I miss this man.