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2023-07-18 - 6:40 a.m.

I have an adult child who is ridiculously stubborn.

This kid has a health insurance plan that provides medical transportation. Its not that hard to use- you schedule an appointment and call the transportation provider a few days before and they come get you.

The whole idea is transportation should not be a barrier to healthcare- so this was build into Medicare/Medicaid.

YET The kid REFUSED to use that benefit and instead choses to berate me and act like there is some lack of support of abandonment because I have been GONE much

as the kid says

"off Galavanting"

amazing

when I worked a double shift on Friday, Saturday-

actually was back home and then went to church Sunday morning, but called a Lyft and went back to work Sun afternoon.

When working at 7am IN TOWN, and getting of the night before at 9PM I am staying in town at my new boyfriend's place.

So a few nights a week I did stay there.

But the amazing thing is that this is the time I would be SLEEPING when here at home anyway.

I have been home during the day-

I actually borrowed his car and came by , to walk the dog- and yeah even if this is the ultimate stupid enabler move I could not help myself but I washed the dishes in the sink. Hell it is an easy job that take about 15 minutes and it is just stupid to leave dishes and water sitting in the sink when the humidity is high.

Its just so weird the resentment of me spending time somewhere else with a feeling of being abandoned that manifest in this now adult kid who typically gives the message "Leave me the fuck alone"

I mean literally.

No attempt to develop relationship
No attempt to spend time together
Says NO to every overture of mine.
Just abusive nasty communication to me
and then goes off on me when not home
and acts entitled and like I have somehow not been supportive.

Hell I have no idea how this kid would possibly function if goes elsewhere and expects someone to cart them around and is not willing to take any initiative.

It is true the only urgent care center that this kid's insurance takes is a PIA To get to - not in the CLOSEST city ( the one my Boyfriend lives in. Its an actual small city,not town in reality)

NO the only urgent care taking the insurance this kid chose is 30 to 40 minutes WEST of us- in the OTHER city-
the one there is not any public transportation to. There are no buses heading west. We are at the end of the line of all tranportation from Washington DC heading west.

So it is a PIA to get there. Agreed.
BUT there are still Lyfts and Uber and if you have to go to the Dr. and its really that critcal one will get there-

The choices are schedule appt in town in the end of the week and schedule the transportation with the insurance company

OR if really urgent go to the urgent care and I said I would provide a ride today if it is really that urgent. I can call a lyft.
I don't want the kid in pain unnecessarily.

BUT This kid is so selfish and rude and so far acts like unwilling to help self STILL.

To act so helpless.
When they said they had this what is self diagnosed tonsilitis for the past 6 days.

IF it presented that long ago the kid COULD have called the local doctor.
COULD have also called the aetna transportation and had a ride ready.

They act like they want to go off and be so independent but can't figure out how to do that themself.

Planning to fly off to Seattle for college without the funding for it with some cockeyed plan for landing work and a loan
When this kid acts abandoned cause I stayed elsewhere a few nights between my double shift days?

Seattle is an expensive city.
Seriously

Hotels are expensive.
Not a great place to go without any safety net

But Seattle?

To fly to a city that has one of the largest homless populations in the U.S. CURRENTLY
and a obvious affordable housing crisis
https://www.seattletimes.com/seattle-news/homeless/white-house-announces-initiative-to-reduce-homelessness-in-seattle/#:~:text=Seattle%20and%20King%20County%20have,unreliable%20and%20likely%20an%20undercount.

Whatever... it is this kid's life

I can't influence

I just don't apprechiate the nasty communication and obnoxious temper tantrum the autistic kid had acting like abandoned.

Of course I do understand the kid is sick.

Does not feel well.

If the kid were not verbally abusive ALL The time it may be easier to be empathatic when not feeling well and in a bad mood cause in pain.

BUT the empathy is hard to find strongly
I have some of course.
I have compassion

and will of course offer help to get to the doctor.

I can call a Lyft.

I don't really want to bother my boyfriend and ask to borrow his car unless I know it is not being used and will not put HIM OUT At ALL

Last night if there were an urgent care OPEN I would have asked for help as he was dropping me off and we PLANNED on heading out for ice cream if any my kids wanted to go out.

One had said yes but changed their mind, was too tired.

IT was HOT OUT

There is a creamary I really would like to visit. It has cows.

YUP

cows and is a nice drive past the Potomoc River

a nice outing.

I have been wanting to go there, but they are closed Monday's anyway- so once figuring that out figure do it another time.

We were going to alternatively go elsewhere but my BF is on a strict diet so he doesnt' really want to eat ice cream and honestly I just co worked all day with him so had plenty of nice time with him-

We got to take a couple walks when took breaks from working.

I was TIRED as always am on a Monday after the weekend of working non stop.

Once got home it was just clear I need to be here to be present with these kids.

I mean the resentment and anger at me being so strong

Well, it indicates that even if 20 this autistic child of mine is really emotionally and developmentally YOUNGER and still needs my PRESENCE

Needs to know I love them and am here for them and yes will support and help.

I just don't get it
the repulsion of me
cojoined with anger and feeling of abandonment when I go do anything else for a few days
ah.... but maybe I do get it....


https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder


YEAH I don't know anything really about BPD. Not at all. Other than one of my close friends for a time ( before she dropped out and just did not keep in touch- ) told me she was diagnosed with this. The thing is our friends/housemates never really saw any emotional outbursts in her at all. She was calm and kind - hers was internal emotional turmoil and anxiety.

The external volatility and anger and vitriolic abusive communication from my kid is a different beast.

I can't help but notice that HRT does increase agressiveness.

NO DOUBT

The kid is more agressive since taking testosterone.

I hoped it would level out
That my kid would stabalize emotionally

And would be more balanced and that was just a temp thing.

A temp side effect.

All I know is that my CHIlD

DID Appear happy

until end of Middle School and then hit the low of depression when their dreams were shattered. ( The dream of TJ/ or the other Math Science school AOS)
Crushing of dreams was hard to overcome

Civil Air Patrol helped and gave new dreams
BUT THEN POTS kicked in and the kid could not run

Then the Chronic illness
and the genger dysphoria
and the challenge YEaRS AFTER being vocal about identity

And the AUTISM diagnosis

pivotol moment

I thought it was important in the transition from HS to college years so that when go off to college this kid could have accomodations


BASED on feedback from my oldest who WISHED had been diagnosed and received treatment in life EARLIER

The grass is always greener, right?

BUT I SWEAR the most pivotal moment was the autism diagnosis.

NOT because it opened up possibilities of HELP and SERVICES and ways to aid my kid in success.

NOT because then if the kid wanted to they could take advantage of programs like this

https://ds.gmu.edu/masi/
which I see other kids participate in

BUT because it seems to me that the moment of diagnosis -
and self awarness and coming into own as an autistic trans person

Gave a sense of identity that has become the #1 Priority for my kid.

AND in that being the #1 value

To BE in a community of like minded people who accept and understand

this kid has dug into the discord server communities, the on line world of socialization

Sure found their tribe

BUT RENOUNCED ALL ELSE

I don't see this as having been positive.

This self identification as only

OH WAIT
I forgot the intersectionality piece
Of ONLY SEEING SELF as a DISABLED AUTISTIC TRANS PERSON

Sure those all may be seen as immutable characteristics of who one is
that will not change

BUT To dig into that self identification and not want to associate with anyone different seems to be the status quo

And I feel like THAT is not healthy.

I feel like the communities that sure are IMPORTANT and NEEDED To support each of those
disabled
autistic
trans

that are found on line DO Have value

BUT if you only spend time there I feel they are VERY NEGATIVE
and are NOT USEFUL
in helping one move foward with growth in life.

I feel like the escapism into those on line worlds IS JUST THAT
an avoidance of being fully present WHERE ONE IS.
and contribute to not functioning well in the actual community one is physically present in

their family
their neighborhood-
their local orgs

I mean.... why does this kid NEVER leave the house?

That is not normal or healthy.

REALLY

To NEVER go anywhere.

The answer is not disability. The EXCUSE is disability.

DISABLED PEOPLE CAN WORK

Heck the kid could have had the one job I do part time-
just a few days a week.


I binge watched Netflix at work one night. I mean really.... the kid could physically handle the role.

OK enough morning rant.
I got a message ' you need to fill out the financial forms I sent you"

In other words , if spoken by any of the other offspring
- the message would have been " Mom, can you please fill out the financial forms I sent to you?"

I did respond "Politeness is important. Not a hard skill to master if you think about it. Suggest asking instead of ordering people.But yeah I will look for what you sent to complete if anything not yet done."

Financial aid forms being completed in July for school in September?

Good luck kid....

I had suggested CALLING to talk with this financial aid office about a YEAR AGO when the idea was first suggested to nix plan to go to Monroe Community College for the 2 yr program that rolls into RIT's 4 yr Computer Engineering tech degree.

That was a solid program
in a city near many of a network of FRIENDS of both mine and the kids' Father.

In a city where housing is more affordable

and heck I even have friends who run a damn support services org that helps Autistic people

I mean a place with all the supports for this kid to have help to be set up for success.

That plan was nixed to go do it on own.

BUT OF COURSE The kid would not make a call to talk to the financial aid office.... ignored my advice that is essential.

Said "I don't have to do that."

Maybe I should have made some calls FOR the kid then. Maybe that is where I went wrong.

I did not call the financial aid office myself back then but respected that the 19 yr old was an adult and " They got it"
or so I thought.

Well hope they really got this...

this west coast plan

which seems far from even half baked to me.

But yeah... I will fill out whatever financial aid forms were sent.

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