2023-07-24 - 7:45 p.m.
SO the Assisted Living place put out the AUG schedule and weirdly I was not asked to fill in for the full time gal next month.
Both surprised and irritated by this.
I mean it was my day off.
One should have no obligation to be accessible 24/7.
The thing is why would she be more annoyed at the person who called out and then give HIM all the hours this month than she is at ME?
It seems displaced anger. Not about that.
Maybe moreso jealousy?
OR MAYBE the folks there who are acting supportive of me in covering me on occassion so I can take a break to coincide with a business call for my consulting are not REALLY as supportive as they acted?
OR THEY ARE as supportive and she is jealous? I got a last minute call to cover the full time gal one day last week and said YES BUT only if I could take a break at a specific time for a call I had already scheduled! They said SURE. Twice I had done this and it worked great so I thought!
BUT MAYBE SOMEONE is weirdly thinking I don't need the money and that that work is secondary? OR someone was bothered by that? .
The thing is- I love working there. It honestly faciliates me getting by butt up EARLY to work and then I can use the space AFTER my shift or on BREAKS which is no issue ( I really do believe it is no issue with leadership etc.)
My home has no working AC.
I get distracted at home. These kids are toxic to me at times, so I get UPSET when at home. SURE I had an uptick in work LAST WEEK.
But this week again it will be lighter.
I mean the gal I am supporting is busy and will get back to me, or engage me when she needs my help.
BUT like other clients the work will not be necessarily STEADY and CONSISTENT. It may pick up
Approval for up to 20 hrs a week from two clients is GREAT! Two have funded me for that so I may be leveraged. HOWEVER that is a CAP; not a guarantee.
WHAT the fuck- I just hit control z to redo (so I thought) as I thought I accidentally erased text with a typo-
I swear I have a freaking bug in my computer. Hack. Malware
I see the fucking flashes and black screen
of the copying.
It is so fucking annoying.
SO the accidental slip of V and this appeared:
"Identify comprehensive list of projects within each work-stream
REALLY Work shit from articles I was reading. I don't worry about this shit. I mean there is no freaking secrets I am working with for any of my clients. I don't have classified or secret info in my workload.
That shit is not outsourced to consultants.
But it is fucking annoying.
But an annoyance.
I have freaking cyber security insurance.
But I need to freaking now get a new computer STAT
Just a PIA
Just a reminder to be disciplined and use the OTHER computer I have (already set up for dedicated work use only) AND NOT this freaking laptop for work purposes AT ALL.
Muliple user profiles on this computer. Maybe I got tired and I logged into the wrong one for my personal writing tonight.
I am going to watch TV and go to bed early.
Today I was SO TIRED.
I do so enjoy the weekend work at the retirement community and the skilled nursing facility. BUT working double shifts all weekend-
Leaves me TIRED on MONDAYS!
Monday I sleep in. Get up around 10 or 11 and intentionally work just a few hours.
But I am not feeling rested.
I need a good night's sleep to be refreshed and efficient and get some good work done tomorrow.
I often am at my best in the early AM. Like super early. BUT NOT MONDAYS!
* Except after a weekend that is actually off. I don't work EVERY weekend! I get some actually off. Or some where only work one of the jobs.
I am a bit stressed thinking about the car. Not sure what to do. As seems like it would suck if I SELL it then hear back (against odds) that cause it is in the settlement class- the final adjucation was heard and they decided to cover the warranty without a cap on mileage, but for life of car. I mean it is possible.
I just am not sure what to do. I don't like paying the $200 a month for car insurance on a car I am not driving. Inclined to drop insuance and take it off the road while wait for the decision. Can call the insuance company anytime to add it back when drive it again. (I did that with my old Volvo in past.Easy enough to do).
BUT the thing is I had mentioned to my Boyfriend asking if I could park it there- as he has two spots and one car. And he said YES
so I thought
I mean I had asked if I could park it at his house to CLEAN IT OUT-
I initially asked if I could park it just a short while- I mean I was thinking days- to clear my things out of it, cancel insurance and call an auto aucitoner and cut my losses on it and sell it for salvage.
I had a call with a lady in charge of the settlements and she basically IMPLIED that there may be ANOTHER warranty via which I could take a total LOSS on it.
SERIOUSLY It was a Kia rep... but I think she was doing a rightous and telling me there is some other settlement possibly?
I was tired at that point... and could not mentally process and take notes. Kinda like now where spent and exausted and just brain done for day.
SO I HAVE to call back to ask some clarifying SPECIFIC questions
WHAT WARRANTIES do you see for THIS VIN
BUT The other thing she said which I know already
and do not OPT OUT
They deal with the attorneys only as reps for the class members.
I get that.
SO I had emailed the attorney for the class.
Oh I am tired.
I just hope it was not a mistake to NOT pick up the old Volvo from my friend
BUt I don't HAVE the $4000 cash on hand to buy that. It would have required borrowing
I hope not stupid.
I want to PAY BACK my bro
But still owe one brother $4 K.
So just bummed to have thought I would have increased income. TO have been EXCITED that last week had 30 billable hrs and to have hoped it was going to continue like that
and possibly save to consider a car come winter.
And honestly to have a place to go with AC that is great to get some work done once OFF shift for just an hour or two is SO NICE.
I mean I don't think they cared if I sat in the library at the one facility and read a doc and reviewed it.
Maybe they did?
I just hate when people are not honest .If I ask if something is OK I wish people would say NO when they mean no.
Not "Oh no problem"
One factor in not getting hrs in AUG at the one job could be that there is a new manager.
The place used to have the morning shift 9-5, then it got shifted earlier as it is helpful to the residents. So it was shifted to 8-4. Then they had a need to fill the afternoon/evening and decided at some point to make that a full time role ( I think honestly the business office manager was just helping a new hire who needed full time. She negotiated for that)
BUT it is just a bummer as I have worked there longer. I asked to be made full time-
SO it is disappointing when I have seniority and DO a good job (Everyone says so)
that if the issue is that when my car died
I was told that is fine!
The new Business office manager said OK!
So it seems odd and disappointing that the gal doing scheduling did not offer me the relief shift for the days the full time gal needs off in AUG.
I am just a little cranky in part as I don't know what to do about my car.
Heck next month I may need the $200 cause have zero pick up shifts during the week the whole month.
I mean after taxes that is a minimum a 300 to 400 drop in income for next month. Significant as literally just getting by and my invoices are not paid for 30 days.
It just means I have to work on business development. I think that was inevitable I suppose. But I just don't have tons of energy. I am still healing from the operation for sure. My body is still recovering from the leg injury, I have to walk and exercise both gently and regularly so that my leg is healing. If I am too sedentary it hurts like hell. So the walking the dog a couple or a few times a day is good. When stay at my boyfriends he is even so sweet to come by here just for us to walk the dog together then head back to his place if I had that 7am shift the next day-
Oh that is the thing-
So I have been in at 7am.
That is what is odd.
But if feels like I made a mistake in thinking my coworkers would be joyful at MY JOY and MY SHARING OF MY GOOD NEWS of more work from my clients.
I just think they dont get it. I mean they might think I am rolling in them money,
I am just tired.
Tired of just getting by, My income last year was miserably low despite all the damn job hunting for a new full time role.
I mean I don't WANT to work a full time job that will suck my energy and have me away from home all the time
Hard to tell what would have been best. I did what I could and said YES to what options presented.
So be it
whether best possible or not
has been what it has been
I really did not have other options anyway but for to find my own work, and hustle and pick up my own clients.
I have to keep doing so.
I keep wanting to settle in and be sure I can meet the work of the existing ones BEFORE Taking on something new.
I mean it seemed prudent last week when I did work the pt jobs and had 30 hrs billable.
BUT then this week hits and I think the lull that seems to be- makes me worry.
MAYBE I am worrying unnecessarily. This is what happens if I don't have a busy inbox.
EVEN THOUGH I did not WANT To work this AM
I WEIRDLY Get stressed at the thought of NOT having much work,
That thought freaks me out more than a busy in box.
I am freaked, yes cause I had one thing come in that I wrapped up over the weekend for one client; the other client sent deliverable of project Mon LAST WEEK but no new work. So two clients NO WORK in queue today,
I have work for the 3rd! SO THAT IS FINE
IT SHOULD NOT STRESS ME
But it almost instills PANIC in me when I have such little work and then see a sparce scedule with just a few shifts ( Four? Every other weekend) at the one job.
That open space is just freaking me out.
AND That is the wrong mindset.
I should be WELCOMING that time.
HELL I should be PRACTICING NOW
I did the past three evenings. SEE I love going to work. I am CALM At work. I practice my guitar at work.
I am home and weirdly anxious and tired and nutty just this past hour
(OK only this past hour as I write. I was fine all day- tired. JUST TIRED and not on my A game but still did get some work done. HELL That is not true my work was fine. I added value
I am also stressed cause in doing so hold up someone starting a project. I hate that more than anything
cause I get it. Folks just wanna work.
sometimes it is FINE to have a good will handshake....
BUT sometimes NOT
and I put up the stop and ask questions. Then there are times i just CAN"T go through with what someone says was OK
Cause it does not sit well with me. The risk is too high
It is not smart
and I just can't fucking do it.
BUT being the juggernut in a work project is the worst feeling.
EVEN WHEN I KNOW IT IS THE RIGHT CALL
THAT IS why I am venting for sure and ruminating on how crazy it makes me to not have work
Cause I am holding up an Agreement for someone else to do work
and its all cause the SOW needed some clarity
I just can't fucking sign off on a loosey goosey SOW
without clear dates for delivearbles.
That is my one pet peeve. I can't do it. When you hire someone to provide a THING you best be CLEAR what it is and WHEN due.
who is not used to it
It feels so damn crappy
EvEN THOUGH I KNOW the smalls NEED the protection even moreso than the larges.
I mean I like my job.
But sometimes I just would rather go to the service job and help people in the no conflict roles.
Not be in the disruptor role
or the - lets get clarity role.
My whole job really is making sure folks say what they mean with clarity.
So it is ironic to me when someone did not commuicate to me clearly and then takes an action that gives a message and I am like "What the fuck just happened?"
I try to not worry about it... like SO WHAT
Its just the fucking bills
AND THE FACT I have a kid who is ready to sign a crappy loan
One of those ones that if you drop out of school and suddenly have to pay back
CAN NEVER be discharged
which can balloon into a MESS
I mean I know the real stress is that this kid is talking of heading off to college without means to pay for it
HOW CAN A KID DO THAT
And with a cut in hrs in AUG
The risk the kid is taking with a plan to fly to SEATTLE to meet their intended roommate and his family
folks my kid never met in person
who live a good hour and a half away from the SCHOOL the kid has enrolled in and plans to go to
I mean the question is not "What could go wrong?"
Its actually : "HOW do you even conceive this plan as a feasible one with any chance of going right?"
I mean how does my kid really think within a week they will land a job and then get approved for a college loan that is not morgaging THEIR life?
Thank God I have a date with my boyfriend tomorrow night.
I think that will keep me sane this week to be quite honest.
I need that time of relaxation. And no I am not really a mess right now. This is just the hour , ok maybe more, of the emotional dump before going to sleep to rest well and then be on point tomorrow.
TOMORROW I WILL MAKE HEADWAY on the one lingering project for my client who DOES have work for me.
I am bummed we did not close the one Agreement today, BUT it had some issues I was just not comfortable with.
Those will get tightened up and when finalized I will know it is not a big risk for my client.
That is my added value.
I know I am worth it.
Tomorrow will be a good day.
Today was a day of little work and a slow roll... but that is OK.
The good news is that is WAS nice working on my porch. Bug spray hopefully worked....
I did delight in the flowers that bloomed today. The daylilies are fun, even though they only bloom one lone flower a day, then die quickly! I think I never had more than two at once on one plant. I typically get one red one and one yellow in the backyard at a time. My rose bush is not as prolific as prior years ( in my front yard) because my crabapple tree fell and is now a funny crooked tree held up by a couple bending stakes and rope. A main root snapped off when it fell over in a windstorm.
But those same high winds also took tiles off my roof a couple years ago such that the insurance covered a new one .
so hey you win some, and you lose some with insurance.
I can't really complain too much since I also had the hysterctomy paid for. I mean this Medicaid is the biggest blessing of all just now. ( OR medicare? I Constantly forget which is which).
I have a tenant. I get to live in this house that is a blessing.
My kids are not grateful but I am. I am not sure why they have such a lack of gratitude.
MY TENANT IS GRATEFUL! She is a blessing to me. She so loves her own sanctuary. I tell you she has made her space in the basement just so cozy!! It is truly the loveliest part of my home and I am glad she so enjoys it.
ALL will be OK.
I have to not worry about my kids. They will grow and launch when ready.
I am just disappointed also that tonight I told them BOTH about the relatively new college board scholarship finder site and they were both so negative to me in response. I don't understand their negativity to me . They act like I nag them. I really don't
They don't thank me for sharing the information. They act like my doing so was applying pressure.
I mean the one kid is heading to college without a plan to pay for it, so I would not expect the kid to have animosity to me when send a resource to review to see if there are any scholarships available.
MY KIDS USED TO VOLUNTEER ALL THE TIME at the retirement community pre COVID.
The "It is none of your business" response and attitude is so disappointing.
I asked if anyone else wanted to go to the libary.
I offer to do things like that once in a while for them and they go off on my critical calling me financially irresponsible.
What the hell?
I mean I WAS TIRED today to. So figured if it would get them out of the house it was worth a Lyft.
My kid was so nasty to me about this- when offered , and I was saying I was going to go to the library to scan and have a financial aid for they sent ME for their intended college. They were so nasty and rude and said "I don't care" and "Stop talking to me" and comments like "I have asked you to stop talking five times now, Why won't you ever listen?"
I was just - well floored by the anger when trying to help my kid
and then EXHAUSTED
I came outside to get out of the toxicity
and focused on work a bit
HAd a call and then work to do in response.
and frankly completely FORGOT my plan to walk to the library.
I will do it tomorrow.
I just need to scan and email the signed forms so the kids financial aid may be reviewed.
I already wrote the required letter accompanying such and emailed that to the financial aid office.
I made it clear that there is no help I could offer at this time (other than perhaps a couple hundred dollars this year) but a place to live near the bus line accessible to our community college. I did suggest it be reviewed if there are core courses that could be taken at this local college and then transferred which would be accepted in the program my kid intends to take. I did write that it seems to me the most feasible thing for my kid to do is to consider such core classes at the community college if they would be transferrable and accepted toward the desired degree.
I want my kid to have this all work out. I really do. But I don't want this kid to stupidly fly cross county if they don't have the means to pay for the school.
That makes ZERO sense.