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2023-07-24 - 7:45 p.m.

SO the Assisted Living place put out the AUG schedule and weirdly I was not asked to fill in for the full time gal next month.

Both surprised and irritated by this.
It seems childish to me as I think the gal who is full time 2nd shift in charge of scheduling for just the past couple of months got very annoyed with me when she had to come in one Sunday to fill in for a co-worker who was sick. What is odd is that she was so standoffish and acted angry that I had not responded to her calls or text. I never saw them until the Monday or even Tue following when I was ACTUALLY At the workplace!

I mean it was my day off.
I did not look at my phone.

One should have no obligation to be accessible 24/7.

The thing is why would she be more annoyed at the person who called out and then give HIM all the hours this month than she is at ME?

It seems displaced anger. Not about that.

Maybe moreso jealousy?

OR MAYBE the folks there who are acting supportive of me in covering me on occassion so I can take a break to coincide with a business call for my consulting are not REALLY as supportive as they acted?

OR THEY ARE as supportive and she is jealous? I got a last minute call to cover the full time gal one day last week and said YES BUT only if I could take a break at a specific time for a call I had already scheduled! They said SURE. Twice I had done this and it worked great so I thought!

BUT MAYBE SOMEONE is weirdly thinking I don't need the money and that that work is secondary? OR someone was bothered by that? .

The thing is- I love working there. It honestly faciliates me getting by butt up EARLY to work and then I can use the space AFTER my shift or on BREAKS which is no issue ( I really do believe it is no issue with leadership etc.)

My home has no working AC.

I get distracted at home. These kids are toxic to me at times, so I get UPSET when at home. SURE I had an uptick in work LAST WEEK.

But this week again it will be lighter.
I may get more hours from the one client that increased my limit, but the new client sent me one project I finished and I did not hear from them last week at all. (I sent it to them Mon I think? )

I mean the gal I am supporting is busy and will get back to me, or engage me when she needs my help.

BUT like other clients the work will not be necessarily STEADY and CONSISTENT. It may pick up
but there will be lulls.

Approval for up to 20 hrs a week from two clients is GREAT! Two have funded me for that so I may be leveraged. HOWEVER that is a CAP; not a guarantee.

Hell tha

WHAT the fuck- I just hit control z to redo (so I thought) as I thought I accidentally erased text with a typo-
but apparently I hit
PASTE- and this came up.

I swear I have a freaking bug in my computer. Hack. Malware
Some program COPYING images of my screen periodically.

I see the fucking flashes and black screen

of the copying.

It is so fucking annoying.
I need a new freaking computer with good security for the work I do.

SO the accidental slip of V and this appeared:

"Identify comprehensive list of projects within each work-stream
Assess internal and external staffing requirements
Establish calendar by functional area and for entire effort
Identify what work will be done ...
Charter & kick off each work stream
Daily transition updates and issue escalation process....
Identify sub-projects within each work stream
Identify issues and risks
Approach for engaging appropriate resoures...""

REALLY Work shit from articles I was reading. I don't worry about this shit. I mean there is no freaking secrets I am working with for any of my clients. I don't have classified or secret info in my workload.

That shit is not outsourced to consultants.

But it is fucking annoying.
Not really a viable security threat

But an annoyance.

I have freaking cyber security insurance.

But I need to freaking now get a new computer STAT

Just a PIA

Just a reminder to be disciplined and use the OTHER computer I have (already set up for dedicated work use only) AND NOT this freaking laptop for work purposes AT ALL.

I am tired
I have multiple log ins
One for one company
One for another

Muliple user profiles on this computer. Maybe I got tired and I logged into the wrong one for my personal writing tonight.

I am going to watch TV and go to bed early.

Today I was SO TIRED.

I do so enjoy the weekend work at the retirement community and the skilled nursing facility. BUT working double shifts all weekend-
essentially from 5pm Friday eve til 9pm Sunday night

Leaves me TIRED on MONDAYS!

Monday I sleep in. Get up around 10 or 11 and intentionally work just a few hours.

But I am not feeling rested.

I need a good night's sleep to be refreshed and efficient and get some good work done tomorrow.
I need to make progress on one lingering PIA project. One of those essential things someone has to do. Its the kinda thing that puts me to sleep
(REALLY I woke this AM and TRIED to work early. Well truth be told I DID get one hour in but then fell BACK Asleep still just exhausted.)

I often am at my best in the early AM. Like super early. BUT NOT MONDAYS!

* Except after a weekend that is actually off. I don't work EVERY weekend! I get some actually off. Or some where only work one of the jobs.

I am a bit stressed thinking about the car. Not sure what to do. As seems like it would suck if I SELL it then hear back (against odds) that cause it is in the settlement class- the final adjucation was heard and they decided to cover the warranty without a cap on mileage, but for life of car. I mean it is possible.

I just am not sure what to do. I don't like paying the $200 a month for car insurance on a car I am not driving. Inclined to drop insuance and take it off the road while wait for the decision. Can call the insuance company anytime to add it back when drive it again. (I did that with my old Volvo in past.Easy enough to do).

BUT the thing is I had mentioned to my Boyfriend asking if I could park it there- as he has two spots and one car. And he said YES

so I thought
but then yesterday I said "I am thinking I should pick up my car from the dealer and park it" and he said immeidately
"at your house"
so I assumed he just thought it over and did not want me to park it at his place.
I did not directly ASK again
but said "YES"
cause took his comment as a response

I mean I had asked if I could park it at his house to CLEAN IT OUT-
I want to get shit out of it.
I think that was what I talked to him about, to park it and clean it out then SELL it.

I initially asked if I could park it just a short while- I mean I was thinking days- to clear my things out of it, cancel insurance and call an auto aucitoner and cut my losses on it and sell it for salvage.

I had a call with a lady in charge of the settlements and she basically IMPLIED that there may be ANOTHER warranty via which I could take a total LOSS on it.

SERIOUSLY It was a Kia rep... but I think she was doing a rightous and telling me there is some other settlement possibly?

I was tired at that point... and could not mentally process and take notes. Kinda like now where spent and exausted and just brain done for day.

SO I HAVE to call back to ask some clarifying SPECIFIC questions
such as

and be sure I am not missing something

BUT The other thing she said which I know already
is if you are in a class-
in a class action

and do not OPT OUT
well, you can't negoitiate a darn thing
and Kia will not engage in any communicaiton I think whatsoever

They deal with the attorneys only as reps for the class members.

I get that.

SO I had emailed the attorney for the class.

Oh I am tired.
I have to be decisive.

I just hope it was not a mistake to NOT pick up the old Volvo from my friend

BUt I don't HAVE the $4000 cash on hand to buy that. It would have required borrowing
and I just don't want to do that.

I hope not stupid.

I want to PAY BACK my bro
I paid back other family

But still owe one brother $4 K.

So just bummed to have thought I would have increased income. TO have been EXCITED that last week had 30 billable hrs and to have hoped it was going to continue like that
so that I could pay my bro back

and possibly save to consider a car come winter.

And honestly to have a place to go with AC that is great to get some work done once OFF shift for just an hour or two is SO NICE.

I mean I don't think they cared if I sat in the library at the one facility and read a doc and reviewed it.

Maybe they did?

I just hate when people are not honest .If I ask if something is OK I wish people would say NO when they mean no.

Not "Oh no problem"

One factor in not getting hrs in AUG at the one job could be that there is a new manager.

The place used to have the morning shift 9-5, then it got shifted earlier as it is helpful to the residents. So it was shifted to 8-4. Then they had a need to fill the afternoon/evening and decided at some point to make that a full time role ( I think honestly the business office manager was just helping a new hire who needed full time. She negotiated for that)
Good for her!
I love that she got that. I loved that they made her new job full time and shifted the hours earlier. The day gal became 7-3 at some point
so she could work 40 hrs and her shift became 2-10. Then after a bit shifted to 1-9.
The overlap between 1 and 2 of having two folks there was leveraged. Eventually the afternoon gal got trained to do some other office support and she is rocking it.
All for this and supportive of her job growth and job stability. She is consistent and a good employee and deserves that for sure.

BUT it is just a bummer as I have worked there longer. I asked to be made full time-
just this past year. In past I did not want full time. BUT I ASKED and said I would even work between departments and help in the kitchen as they were short there but they did not take me up on that offer.

SO it is disappointing when I have seniority and DO a good job (Everyone says so)

that if the issue is that when my car died
I asked if it was STILL OK ( of a new boss! It was ALWAYS OK in past , as I am part time and fill in for the full time day gal) if I continue to come in at 7:30 instead of 7;00 on days I catch the bus.

I was told that is fine!

The new Business office manager said OK!

So it seems odd and disappointing that the gal doing scheduling did not offer me the relief shift for the days the full time gal needs off in AUG.

I am just a little cranky in part as I don't know what to do about my car.
I think I will just cancel the insurance regardless.

Heck next month I may need the $200 cause have zero pick up shifts during the week the whole month.

I mean after taxes that is a minimum a 300 to 400 drop in income for next month. Significant as literally just getting by and my invoices are not paid for 30 days.
I mean any hrs this month will be paid end of next month to my company.
I then run numbers etc... but there will not be increased income from consulting any time soon for sure.

It just means I have to work on business development. I think that was inevitable I suppose. But I just don't have tons of energy. I am still healing from the operation for sure. My body is still recovering from the leg injury, I have to walk and exercise both gently and regularly so that my leg is healing. If I am too sedentary it hurts like hell. So the walking the dog a couple or a few times a day is good. When stay at my boyfriends he is even so sweet to come by here just for us to walk the dog together then head back to his place if I had that 7am shift the next day-
so I did not have to catch the bus and WAS there by 7AM rather than 7:30.

Oh that is the thing-
I asked if OK come in at 7:30 when take the bus in, was told OK by the boss-
my boyfriend has been so sweet in welcoming me to stay at his place the night before that morning shift so days I am scheduled the past three weeks I have not been arriving late anyway.

So I have been in at 7am.

That is what is odd.
That can't be the reason why not scheduled.
UNLESS it was not noticed... and I asked
and no one noticed I am actually in on time?

Who knows.

But if feels like I made a mistake in thinking my coworkers would be joyful at MY JOY and MY SHARING OF MY GOOD NEWS of more work from my clients.

I just think they dont get it. I mean they might think I am rolling in them money,

I am just tired.

Tired of just getting by, My income last year was miserably low despite all the damn job hunting for a new full time role.

I mean I don't WANT to work a full time job that will suck my energy and have me away from home all the time
BUT I WOULD HAVE TAKEN IT so looked for one
IF THAT WAS BEST for the family,

Hard to tell what would have been best. I did what I could and said YES to what options presented.

So be it

whether best possible or not
it is what it is

has been what it has been

I really did not have other options anyway but for to find my own work, and hustle and pick up my own clients.

I have to keep doing so.

I keep wanting to settle in and be sure I can meet the work of the existing ones BEFORE Taking on something new.

I mean it seemed prudent last week when I did work the pt jobs and had 30 hrs billable.

BUT then this week hits and I think the lull that seems to be- makes me worry.

MAYBE I am worrying unnecessarily. This is what happens if I don't have a busy inbox.
MAYBE because TIRED, despite best efforts the workaholic tendency just kicked into my overtired brain

EVEN THOUGH I did not WANT To work this AM
and wanted to take it easy today

I WEIRDLY Get stressed at the thought of NOT having much work,

That thought freaks me out more than a busy in box.

I am freaked, yes cause I had one thing come in that I wrapped up over the weekend for one client; the other client sent deliverable of project Mon LAST WEEK but no new work. So two clients NO WORK in queue today,

I have work for the 3rd! SO THAT IS FINE


But it almost instills PANIC in me when I have such little work and then see a sparce scedule with just a few shifts ( Four? Every other weekend) at the one job.

That open space is just freaking me out.

AND That is the wrong mindset.

I should be WELCOMING that time.
I should be embracing the chance to play guiter.


I did the past three evenings. SEE I love going to work. I am CALM At work. I practice my guitar at work.
I do some consutling WITH FOCUS at work.

I am home and weirdly anxious and tired and nutty just this past hour

(OK only this past hour as I write. I was fine all day- tired. JUST TIRED and not on my A game but still did get some work done. HELL That is not true my work was fine. I added value
I stopped someone from signing somthing stupid; loosey goosey without clarity.

I am also stressed cause in doing so hold up someone starting a project. I hate that more than anything

cause I get it. Folks just wanna work.

sometimes it is FINE to have a good will handshake....

BUT sometimes NOT

and I put up the stop and ask questions. Then there are times i just CAN"T go through with what someone says was OK

Cause it does not sit well with me. The risk is too high

It is not smart

and I just can't fucking do it.

BUT being the juggernut in a work project is the worst feeling.


THAT IS why I am venting for sure and ruminating on how crazy it makes me to not have work

Cause I am holding up an Agreement for someone else to do work

and its all cause the SOW needed some clarity

I just can't fucking sign off on a loosey goosey SOW

without clear dates for delivearbles.

That is my one pet peeve. I can't do it. When you hire someone to provide a THING you best be CLEAR what it is and WHEN due.

I GET ZERO stressed when it is a large business interest I am rep for and/or a large business WAITING to do the work or sell the product. ZERO STRESS Then. The larges are USED to this kinda nit picking

BUT when I bring that mindset to a small

either client
or a provider
buyer or seller

who is not used to it


It feels so damn crappy

EvEN THOUGH I KNOW the smalls NEED the protection even moreso than the larges.

I mean I like my job.

But sometimes I just would rather go to the service job and help people in the no conflict roles.

Not be in the disruptor role
or the compliance hat role

or the - lets get clarity role.

My whole job really is making sure folks say what they mean with clarity.

So it is ironic to me when someone did not commuicate to me clearly and then takes an action that gives a message and I am like "What the fuck just happened?"

I try to not worry about it... like SO WHAT
the younger guy who got the hrs needs them. It is fine
let him have some more hours
no issue
I don't need to be selfish

Its just the fucking bills
mortgage that I have to pay that is stressful

AND THE FACT I have a kid who is ready to sign a crappy loan

One of those ones that if you drop out of school and suddenly have to pay back

CAN NEVER be discharged
but will have an interest rate jump if you miss a late payment etc...

which can balloon into a MESS

I mean I know the real stress is that this kid is talking of heading off to college without means to pay for it

when they know the hustle to just pay the mortgage on a home?

And with a cut in hrs in AUG
I will have zero buffer if this kid needs some emergency help
BUT OTHER FAMILY or my own shitty credit cards as back up plan should something go awry.

the likelyhood of my kid's plan being feasible seems low to me.

The risk the kid is taking with a plan to fly to SEATTLE to meet their intended roommate and his family
without anyone else with them
I mean no one else but the intended roomies' grandmother...

folks my kid never met in person

who live a good hour and a half away from the SCHOOL the kid has enrolled in and plans to go to
when my kid does not have money to pay the tuition.

I mean the question is not "What could go wrong?"

Its actually : "HOW do you even conceive this plan as a feasible one with any chance of going right?"

I mean how does my kid really think within a week they will land a job and then get approved for a college loan that is not morgaging THEIR life?


Thank God I have a date with my boyfriend tomorrow night.

I think that will keep me sane this week to be quite honest.

I need that time of relaxation. And no I am not really a mess right now. This is just the hour , ok maybe more, of the emotional dump before going to sleep to rest well and then be on point tomorrow.

TOMORROW I WILL MAKE HEADWAY on the one lingering project for my client who DOES have work for me.

I am bummed we did not close the one Agreement today, BUT it had some issues I was just not comfortable with.

Those will get tightened up and when finalized I will know it is not a big risk for my client.

That is my added value.

I know I am worth it.


Tomorrow will be a good day.

Today was a day of little work and a slow roll... but that is OK.
I needed the rest.

The good news is that is WAS nice working on my porch. Bug spray hopefully worked....
I have been sitting on my porch all afternoon/evening but for when I went in for dinner and walked Bellatrix a couple times.

I did delight in the flowers that bloomed today. The daylilies are fun, even though they only bloom one lone flower a day, then die quickly! I think I never had more than two at once on one plant. I typically get one red one and one yellow in the backyard at a time. My rose bush is not as prolific as prior years ( in my front yard) because my crabapple tree fell and is now a funny crooked tree held up by a couple bending stakes and rope. A main root snapped off when it fell over in a windstorm.

But those same high winds also took tiles off my roof a couple years ago such that the insurance covered a new one .

so hey you win some, and you lose some with insurance.

I can't really complain too much since I also had the hysterctomy paid for. I mean this Medicaid is the biggest blessing of all just now. ( OR medicare? I Constantly forget which is which).

I have a tenant. I get to live in this house that is a blessing.

My kids are not grateful but I am. I am not sure why they have such a lack of gratitude.

MY TENANT IS GRATEFUL! She is a blessing to me. She so loves her own sanctuary. I tell you she has made her space in the basement just so cozy!! It is truly the loveliest part of my home and I am glad she so enjoys it.

ALL will be OK.

I have to not worry about my kids. They will grow and launch when ready.

I am just disappointed also that tonight I told them BOTH about the relatively new college board scholarship finder site and they were both so negative to me in response. I don't understand their negativity to me . They act like I nag them. I really don't

They don't thank me for sharing the information. They act like my doing so was applying pressure.

I mean the one kid is heading to college without a plan to pay for it, so I would not expect the kid to have animosity to me when send a resource to review to see if there are any scholarships available.

MY KIDS USED TO VOLUNTEER ALL THE TIME at the retirement community pre COVID.
They have done other volunteer work. So they do have things to put on a resume and things to talk about which they did that contributed to community. I reminded them of this. I just don't know why they find it irritating when I mentioned the site and they if they applied they might win some scholarship money,

The "It is none of your business" response and attitude is so disappointing.

I asked if anyone else wanted to go to the libary.
They all said no and acted like it was CRAZY of me to say "If you wanted to go I could get a lyft so we could all go if you are really too tired to walk. There is AC there! ITs nice! We could all pack a lunch and spend the day there."

I offer to do things like that once in a while for them and they go off on my critical calling me financially irresponsible.

What the hell?

I mean I WAS TIRED today to. So figured if it would get them out of the house it was worth a Lyft.

My kid was so nasty to me about this- when offered , and I was saying I was going to go to the library to scan and have a financial aid for they sent ME for their intended college. They were so nasty and rude and said "I don't care" and "Stop talking to me" and comments like "I have asked you to stop talking five times now, Why won't you ever listen?"

I was just - well floored by the anger when trying to help my kid

and then EXHAUSTED

I came outside to get out of the toxicity

and focused on work a bit

HAd a call and then work to do in response.
Lost self in that

and frankly completely FORGOT my plan to walk to the library.

I will do it tomorrow.

I just need to scan and email the signed forms so the kids financial aid may be reviewed.

I already wrote the required letter accompanying such and emailed that to the financial aid office.

I made it clear that there is no help I could offer at this time (other than perhaps a couple hundred dollars this year) but a place to live near the bus line accessible to our community college. I did suggest it be reviewed if there are core courses that could be taken at this local college and then transferred which would be accepted in the program my kid intends to take. I did write that it seems to me the most feasible thing for my kid to do is to consider such core classes at the community college if they would be transferrable and accepted toward the desired degree.

I want my kid to have this all work out. I really do. But I don't want this kid to stupidly fly cross county if they don't have the means to pay for the school.

That makes ZERO sense.
I just don't know what this kid is thinking.

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