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2023-08-09 - 7:40 p.m.

I am working. Finally in flow for the MATH project.
It is really just the very detailed absolutely BORING yet important to be accurate job of modifying a rate chart.

And because it was a chart CREATED by someone else.
I can't just SWAP it out with the new one that was sent in a completely different format.

They probably have some CLM system that spits out a nice table after an EXCEL with the rates is input into it.

BUT when we, a counterparty, need to edit and request a redline of a correction as the doc has a completely DIFFERENT rate chart than that agreed upon in negotiation

It is really an absolute MANUAL PIA to fix this.

The other party could likely change it with a simple upload of a file and amend their contract.

BUT there is also the possibilty that the original contract drafter/creator knew how some Contract Lifecycle Management tool worked ( which is what likely created the doc) BUT
a) there is now a new contract manager working for the counter part we work with and
b) there also may (very likely) have been a decision at this other company that the CLM which was promised to make life easier
was REALLY an absolute PIA now that no one knows how the hell to use the software tool since the folks who
b.1) either liked it and knew how it worked have LEFT the company OR
b. 2) did not like it but begrudgenly figured out how it worked but got nervous thinking if this tool rocked they would be out of a job as the bots take over so they figured best job hunt and ALSO left the company.

In other words I am manually doing a very tedious task that I KNOW with a good CLM system in the touch of a button could spit this thing out.

AND in the last... well YEAR or more
the correction SHOULD have been made
but was not

I procrastinated on this project for close to a month

as really it was a good at least year OVER DUE when I noticed the problem.

Being not done for that year, once I noticed it I felt it was OK to procrastinate until such time that my brain could handle the level of insane hyperfocus with resiliance to not stop working until the darn tedious attention to detail like a freaking OCD person that is obsessive kinda task was one which my BRAIN could handle.

YEAH my ADHD brain.


all the little shit.
I did not want emails, or phone calls, or dirty laundry stinking
or dishes in the sink.
I had to be well rested
not hungry
with QUIET

I mean NO NOISE interruptions.

and not too hot
and not too cold

and in a calm emotional state
having ALREADY worked through any possible PANIC
related to any other lingering work tasks.

So had to send out the last months invoices
and clear out the lingering stuff- by bothering and FINALLY getting the persons who were non responsive to respond ( finally figuring out WHAT is their PREFERRED and EFFECTIVE Means of communication. If someone is non responsive 9/10 times it is cause you are using the least effective means of communication. Make the fucking phone call peeps... I rocked at this when working in office as I would just WALK OVER and actually * this could blow your mind* ACTUALLY TALK TO PEOPLE IN PERSON! HA HA It was like that was so freaking innovative in a space where everyone got used to everything being done by email! HA HA I was a slow adopter of text but finally figured out I have to freaking TEXT
as THAT is the mode for many!! ( CEO I support included. If I need her I need to TEXT Her)

Back to it.
I really just wanted to vent a bit and had NO intention of doing so truth be told... it just happened ( as it does when journaling. What you NEED just happens when writing- it is so very theraputic.)

What I intended to capture was the SELF AWARENESS MOMENT as I work that a few times now the freaking SCREEN capture happened

I further in the moment of it happening tonight THIS TIME PAID attention thoughtfully ( since I am in hyperfocused, yeah the ADHD hyperfocus attuned to the finest detail with hyperawareness state I have to be in for granular, detailed obsessive work such as MATH... ha ha... especially MONEY or ACCOUNTING or OPERATIONS WORK in systems that will do things like fuck up actual BANK WIRES if you so much as make one freaking typo or have an extra zero....etc.. you get the idea....

Hell I worked fintech and got most of that work done from like 7pm to 2am

NO LIE the granular, detailed, operations MATH shit.... cause hell there was money , real live money involved in that fin tech space and it was the only freakin way I could get it done with my accuracy.

I laugh as this is prime time working hrs for my programmer boyfriend too at times... I so get his brain. Hell we get each other.

It was funny I called to say hi right before a nap and the first thing he said was
" I just laid down for a nap"
I said "I am on the couch in the living room"

and he was SO excited as he was in IS house upstairs and he thought I meant I had worked IN TOWN and then came by HIS HOUSE and was in HIS living room ready to take a nap...
Wishful thinking... said "Sorry to disappoint, but I mean in MY house in MY living room."

Anyway post nap back to work - this is prime time for such projects. And yeah he is working on a programming thingy, and I am finally through the procrasination to get this done.

Hope the kids don't get up and freak as the monitor they plugged in (in living room) HAPPENS to be MINE that I use when need an external monitor

I need it now. Fine with it being used as a TV screen for livestreams and mirroring from devices ( as no one watchs anything on cable here or traditional TV....all internet based).

BUT what I came to say-
is I FINALLY Realized the SCREEN CAPTURE is MY OWN fingers accidentally , in a MORE typical ADHD moment of LACK of awareness, bumping the prt sc KEY that happens to be right ABOVE the backspace key

and being clueless I did so.

This time with the brain being in the hyperfocus ADHD MODE ( which happens I think like less than 5% of the time. More than that makes one with ADHD just EXHAUSTED or perhaps almost seeming manic then exausted? Not balanced), it is the moment now when I NOTICE EVERYTHING.

It is very much a NECESSITY to have the brain shift into this state to get work done with accuracy.

It does feel like the hyperkinetic survival state. Its like my body and brain have to be sure all else is CALM and the enviroment is RELAZED before hitting hyperfocus. Cause then there is the counterbalance.

Otherwise it does feel unhealthy.

BUT when the environment is organized and peaceful and calm and there are actually ZERO worries-
such as now when there is this beautiful crescendo of the cicaddas, humming and then accellerating in speed and sound intensity of volume and noise level and pitch increases
well it is just the relaxing conditions that are set when I am ready to enter into

and just GET IT DONE.

YEAH getting the tedious, detailed task done that I feel like I may have avoided for a month , but others avoided for a year, during which time they also conveniently "forgot" about it. YEAH a coping mechanism.

COMPANIES undergo the SAME behavior patterns collectively as individuals.

As do all organisms
or oganizations of beings...
big or small.

OMG I could write a book on what CPTSD of a company as its own entity looks like. HA HA HA
But no.

I don't ever want to go there. Instead I want this blog to be about how to create a HEALTHY Peson AND a HEALTHY COMPANY.

TIP #1 Stop working at 5pm SHARP every day

EXCEPT the once in a blue moon when HAVE To do that later shift cause need the calm of the evening ciccaddas etc... and you really did procrastinate TOO LONG ( despite best efforts! I SHOULD HAVe done this work this AM with a cup of coffee and WAITED on cleaning my windows and packing up the Christmas decorations to the attic. I mean they were stashed in the living room for months hidden behind a chair. At this point they could have stayed there til DEC! and etc... and etc... The list goes on of the procrastination tasks done I had been avoiding til had this big work project. HA HA)

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