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2023-08-16 - 10:16 p.m.

I wonder if when my oldest child so desparately wanted to ride horses, and loved doing so SOooo MUCH that she denied any discomfort from allergies to the horses, despite itchy red eyes, and labored breathing, with asthmatic wheezing and obvious sneezing,

IF...
IF...
It was actually good parenting

To ignore the physical sensations she was experiencing and to listen solely to her plea "I really want to keep riding! I LOVE riding the horses"

and hear
"I am OK. I am FINE!"

and to believe it would be so, that she was and would be fine

Because I understood how it felt to want something so badly that you would make yourself uncomfortable;
I understood how you could love something so badly that you would willingly take on discomfort
or rather I understood how you could love s.omeone so badly that you willingly would take on discomfort, even pretend there is no tale when you see him again

OMG Funny that last line from "even " on was written WHEN ASLEEP.


YUP I fell asleep when writing again.... it happens sometimes.

Exhaused so not surprised.

Wanted to capture the thought before bed that perhaps, just perhaps
it taught my oldest resiliance, that allowing my kid to do something the kid just LOVED
EVEN when it was a challenge,
even when doing it did not feel good in some respect CAUSE The Pain was worth it,
the DISCOMFORT was worth it.

So maybe, my pretending I did not really KnOW just how allergic my kid was to the horses;
pretending to BELIEVE My kid when the lie was told to me with a straight face and pleading in the eyes
of determination
and conviction

and BELIEF that this was important

VERY important that my kid gets to keep horseback riding

It was a dream for so long. It was the utterance of "I want a house like that and I want a horse"
as the 4 year old pointed at a home adorned with a white picket fence.

It did not matter that it was in the middle of the city

It was the child utterance along with that attestatiojn "I want a horse"

and I think saying " I want to live in the country"

OR else the pointing and wanting a horse was enough for me to get that message;

That MAYBE
JUST MAYBE

that was one of the FIRST lessons in resiliancy

that learning that you will get what you want; not immediately, but if patient, it may manifest later

AND then learning that even if it is hard and you have discomfort- just push on if the dream is important to you.

You will find the energy for the things that you really love.

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