2023-08-24 - 6:53 a.m.
OK this may be odd
BUT I am taking what started as an email to my boyfriend
Will edit what ends up in the email
HA HA YEAH That may seem ironic
BUT hear me out:
It is too personal and because he actually LOVES ME and cares for me and I know it is genuine
Hear me out
It is TOO PERSONAL With too many FINANCIAL DETAILS which I don't think he need know exactly
And he is generous
I don't want help
YET am so comfortable accepting his help
SO Two things:
The matriarch of the family he was so happy to bring me to meet. ( and what an honor.. His besties.. his fam really Bestie for 40 plus years. These were boys in school together... navigated college... navigated so much in their lives. His bestie is a twin. He is almost as close with the one as the other; just closer to the one simply as he and the one bro OWN The RIVER house together along with the bro's wife. I mean these are the kind of friends who could successfully buy a 2nd house together and have it work out for years. That says alot about the chachter of a person I think! But maybe my bar is low? Maybe I have just been around DIFFICULT people...the past 20 yrs....)
But still The fact these dude and a whole pack of friends would go camping every year and then my guy had the thought : lets just buy a place to go camping and kayaking
I mean it is like the dream MY COLLEGE friends had
We all talked of doing the same. Buying a place we could all live together in a commune H A HA
further than just the vaca river home.
Actually last night was date night. My turn to pick.
I really just wanted to go to the river.
I have a sketchy memory for details of things that should be familiar. Like I should have realized the hike to the river is not as easy and simple to find. I mean I have done it more than a few times yet there now are a number of OTHER trails built out
That or I somehow miraculously always found the same main one I love that goes down to the river.
BUT last night we did not find that trail.
It was so lovely.
OK maybe I WON"T Share the whole email here.
BUT I will dump it and edit.
I need to edit it way the fuck down as
His habit of tipping is generous
*He quietly helps out family and friends. Not showy. Not letting others know. But I see it. It is not a demonstrative self serving thing
It is just that he knows he is comfortable and he doesnt see reason for those in his FAMILY to be uncomfortable; or his chosen family.
When at his river house with friends he has his routine of taking such care of the space when arrive and leave
He wants the housemates who come to spend time there to see no evidence anyone else was there. So when his bestie and his wife come it feels like is all theirs.
They all spend the SAME Time together sometimes but then most often with the whole group of friends for the annual camping thing over the years
So here is my morning pages and the edit of it! HA HA Some will be the PERSONAL email BUT honestly I would rather dump and figure out the financial pieces MYSELF at this juncture.
I dont want any pull/ inclination/ to worry about me and think I already
IDK it is impossible to not be HONEST about my financial fact of being just afloat.
SO need to edit out some of this.
As the crazy thing is
to which he said "Soon"
And I KNEW it came out wrong when he answered the matriarch's question
I knew he meant opposite
and he blushed and said "I MEAN TOO SOON WE have only been dating a few months"
Really thinking I am grateful the thought of commitment does not instill TERROR in the man
I know too I am the one who is not up for commitment with him. Buffalo guy Drinker who did get onery and picked fights when drunk. I am not going to pretend he did not do that. He picked arguments. He got upset when I wanted to go to sleep. He felt abandoned. He wanted my company and took it as an affront when I was not going to stay up happy by his side when he could not stop drinking. His alcoholism is clear. He is in denial that is is costing him loss of other things. Sorbriety is a choice but for some a hard fucking choice. I am just not up for that Maybe too selfish. IDK but I could walk by someones side I think while they navigate the path if they wanted BUT I will not chose to walk by someones side as they choose to drink themself to an early death. I just can't do that. ME who may be an enabler in other ways ( with my kids? Possibly? There is one just gaming all the time now. Clearly addicted and not doing ANYTHING ELSE I have to figure out HOW to follow through on what the psycic told me to do. There has to be a path that works to get this kid out of the house into a part time job or school. She is NOT going to do it on her own AND NEEDS HELP. I knew with the older one there was NO RECEPTIVENESS from any help with that. The youngest too says not interested in my help...but I think MAYBE That in her is a defense I have to push through. She is a different person than the older one, who even if it is a BAD PLAN
MAYBE The older one going off to college on the west coast WILL be successful.
Maybe even if the kid does not land a job
BUT STILL rock school and get a good job and pay them off.
I honestly think if those loans are taken the focus should be being successful in school.
Something like security guard where attentive but can also study.
IF CAN do that successfully.
I know the kid mentioned that as possible job.
FEMA jobs of helping others were of interest before POTS set in. The kid was so excieted to be of service so I know that part of this person is STILL within my kid. I recall the HUSTLE and the drive to help others on the CAP camping trip.
OK here is the email for real (edited a bit)
This is the first edit , next will be edit and send of the actual email
I just don't want him to wnat to SAVE ME
Cause he made some comment AFTER the funny conversation with the matriarch
Like I get it
Its like he gave the perfect natural emotional response , unedited to that quesiton with honesty.
An honest blurt I felt like both misspeak and the truth at the same time And the BLUSH it was accompanied with.
so both not adverse to the possibility of marriage really made me happy. So content. Feel like on same wavelength.
I suppose in the end I have to admit HENRY was right when he said "don't we all REALLY want a life partner to grow old with?"
I said NO I don't think we all do.
Some think it just not possible or likely that they could meet someone who REALLY LOVES THEM for all they are- the good and the bad, flaws and all.
Someone Not triggered by being interrupted! HA HA
But is that enough of a baseline for longevity? I am comfortable with the funky sleep and dark man cave? Will I be long term if he keeps his sleep patterns ( which are more akin to my fam than MINE)
But sans drugs and alchohol which is why this is OK with me
NO personality changes
BUT will I be OK with his occassional poker runs long term? Will that get old
Drinker gambler? Hmmm
BUT for some reason I trust he is honest and not playing me in any way. I trust it is truthful that he is a good enough poker player and has self control to not have an issue.
His responsibilty is demonstrated. This is a big difference between him and Art. I mean Art had such trouble being employed and had trouble balancing his art and his need to create and be happy with need to make a living. If Art were NOT Volatile with the Italian temper and controlling with me crossing into abuse there was STILL the problem I just don't make enough to support him in living authenically as the artist he is in this world as it is. Art needs a sugar momma! For real! He could use a life partner or his family not minding loving and supporting his living so he can create art. I believe he really is that talented and the work he creates is so beautiful that he should be creating. But he doesn't have the abilty to balance working in the world and having energy to create.
So does love and commitment come down to fucking economics?? NO for me it really doesnt' It is just that was one more CONTRAINT Economics does however play into the reality of whether a commitment can WORK long term.
so its kinda the same reason I want to be careful about how much information I SHARE with my BF at this three month stage.
Now I get why he said that. REALITY IF my income were not increased to where it is now and I were to continue to be eligible for medicaid THIS HELPS my kid tremendously! The healthcare has ironically been SO MUCH BETTER when on medical assistance than when I had bought a policy. So my kid has that med that helps most of all for MCAS. The one that with insurance was a $450 mo co pay. BUT I KNOW that with a BETTER employer sponsored high deductible plan ( like the one my ex husband has that the oldest child is still under!) THAT SAME MED is not that high. Cause the oldest ALSO has that med and in fact has been on it for YEARS and it WORKS for her to.
So he was rationally thinking and said as much "Honestly I want what is best for you. I want you to be economically stable. Even if we did not work out and broke up at one point I WANT To help you as much as I can"
He is like that I get that. I mean I am to. I don't understand people who REGRET helping those they love after the relationship changes or they end it. Its not like a wedding ring in engagement where it is a contingency if you actually have real love and concern and help out of love! Its not like support offered out of love is an EXCHANGE . In my view as either giver or receiver
BUT there is the reality I can ONLY RECEIVE when I feel that- feel it is not manipulation or an attempt to buy my love and attachment or an attempt to lock me in and make me feel I OWE something
My boyfriend is comfortable with my blurts and interruptions and we can patiently see the moments of ADHD and have curiosity and ask "Can you tell me more?"
**OOPS After being upset with the argument with my kid as we got into it over the college plan and REALLY Wanting a hug and to just be held a moment and emotionally supported before digging into work, and stopping by THINKING it would be a few minutes
I stopped by to see my BF and ended up plugging in to work THERE for the morning
AND when he went out later ( as I had his borrowed Electric vehical and also had to drive back to return it after borrowing to take the dog to the vet- DARN The electric cars are so QUIET near SILENT when on)
he came in and LAUGHED that the car was still ON
The keys were in the house! that is the interesting thing. I carried them in the house and put them on the shelf but the car was still on.
OMG what a comfort to me! To have that loving, gentle response to my humanity.
OK, trying again without further comment, JUST EDITING of the below -here is the email:
"Wow I was so tired last night I wrote "AC Unit" instead of FAN! LOLThink you knew what I meant? Phone works for sure again as the handset is surely charged overnight. So yes can call ! When you like- if need to talk to me. : ) I am awake early again- but will try to go back to sleep a little more as I feel like I need a bit more rest. Came on line mainly to try to log into the Virginia Employment Commission site as might have forgotten to tell you this-but I got a letter from them that my APPEAL Decision was reviewed (I had filed paperwork for them to appeal the denial of Unemployment Insurance)and that it was OVERTURNED and determined that YES I was eligible for unemployment insurance.
The decision being overturned SHOULD mean that I get the actual unemployment insurance for all those weeks that I succeeded in completing the claims.
* Would be perfect timing.
The irony is that only after never getting a VEC payment, when on line applying to purchase a marketplace health insurance plan did it indicated we were eligible for Medicaid and I went into the office and got SNAP as well.
So if a payment comes now it is good timing. As I am ineligble for the SNAP moving forward as my income has increased. So that will end. I received that when had no income from consulting and now in
BUt oh snap... I am on the cusp still.... I earned 20 K so far this year from my main client XXX about 5K a yr.. close to this....
AH but the tenant. I am honest and reported the rental income when applied. AH so yes that kicked up my income YEAH Considering that it makes more sense to me why over now
AH I have to also report the changes for medical assistance too. Likely will have to either opt to be uninsured for a bit ( which fiscally for me is in a way smarter- I did that for a period. FOR SOLELY ME THAT IS
Despite disability, and autism I am rather sure his health care is tied to the award that was income based. He never did apply for SSDI (to my knowledge). To his credit he WANTS To go to school and succeed and WORK and NOT BE ON SSDI
Imagine if YOU work your CHILD loses essential health care that makes them well?
What a fucked up world we live in.
Basically- in reporting changed income which I have to do-I am not going to be eligible for medical assistance anymore. MEANING My now adult child may also lose their healthcare.
I am thinking strategically I may be best off just not completing the form for reapplication for SNAPand then letting it lapse for lack of reapplication
If picking up the NEW job when asked just few months ago put us OVER the eligibilty that would just suck.
OK this is the dump I again feel like I SHOULD DELETE MORE THAN HALF OF THIS AS THIS IS MY STUFF AND I DON"T NEED TO DUMP IT ON YOU
Just keep that boundary that although you love me and want me to be in a good place
Becuase of that one comment.
That mention "Need to look at how marriage could affect you and kids"
Not if I am about to be uninsured and my kid too.
NOT HIS RESPONSIBILTY
and I don't think he needs to know as he is in love and he is the kind of guy I think that wants to help
and If we do consider marriage I DO NOT want it to be informed, influenced by ECONOMICS at all.
Call me an idiot
But I married for love
and I only want to consider marriage for actual love and for the quality of the RELATIONSHIP and how spend time together.
I just don't want economics to be part of that. (even though it is to some degree)
I just want the foundation of any life commitment to not be BASED on that and do not want the RISK that there is economic factors influencing me at all or him.
I don't want to be *SAVED*.
I got this.
I will figure it out.
I worked on business development yesterday. I was tired . I needed a nap.
But I pushed myself once I got the contract out the door and signed up for the ONE professional development opportunity I had picked as the one I wanted to do.
I HAD chosen this then did not sign up a few weeks ago-
as when I read the details I was like OH SHIT
and WORRIED about how it would look.
Cause here is the thing:
One of the things is a mentorship opportunity.
And the name there of the women leader hosting the social and then also some leaders' of the company sponsor being established women
IS LITERALLY the woman I was inspired by and want to have as my mentor
dreamed of approahing as my mentor
BUT NIXED the idea of
as the Pres of her company approached ME and asked me to support
SO they are now my CLIENT.
I don't want to get FIRED Again as they think I might unethically STEAL their business or COMPETE with them
ASSHOLES DO THat
Fuck I have seen it too many times.
Fucking folks more concerned about making a dollar than ethics.
IT turns my stomach.
I dumped a guy when I found out his whole business was built stealing the client of a former boss. All fucking interest in dating him GONE.
I lost ALL RESPECT for that man. That was a very short lived thing- figured that out early.
I am hard core that my ethics won't be compromised.
I have clients who work in different spaces
I love that they are in different industrys and have different markets and I don't need to worry about conflicts.
BUT I want to keep it that way and don't want to:
AND DO Want to grow to:
1. Help uplift OTHERS I REALLY Want to find work for folks capable that want to work who are struggling AS MUCH AS
I used to thing nepotism a awful thing. My view shifted. When you do the work you love and FIND those in a market who need your work
I see this as the personalities who may be super talented BUT INTROVERTs.
Maybe that is my company unspoken mission
HELP the talented neurodivergent introverts of the world be seen and accepted so they can offer their gifts to the world.
Maybe my company should be the gap fill in the market where there is LACK of REAL MEANINGFUL work for disabled but for service roles that are physical labor based and low wage?
THINK ABOUT IT
Disabled are PHSICALLY CHALLENGED
YET the uneducated are often uneducated due to disaibluty and the jobs offered to disabled are low wage jobs that
REQUIRE PHYSICAL WORK
HIGH WAGE JOBS are desk jobs!
We have to get more disabled into college OR TRIANED for those desk jobs without college.
I mean I give my kid credit for KNOWING they won't survive long in a job that hurts their body.
EDS means your body does not produce collegin.
WHEN IT IS GONE IT IS GONE
YOU HAVE PAIN
It is NOT LAZY for my kids to refuse to take low wage jobs that hurt the body long term
I GET IT
They are RIGHT to put self care and self preservation above earning a few bucks and hour UNLESS THEY HAVE TO.
BUT they are wrong to assume ANY work phycially will harm them! THAT is the flaw in their thinking
BUT I still give my kid credit for wanting to go to college and get a professional white collar job that should be low impact on their disabled body.
YEAH I want people LIKE MY FAMILY to be able to work and succeed.
MY VISION IS
As a women owned small professional business.
I started targeted with seeking work I can do. BUT I envision growing from here
I want to support orgs I feel are making meaningful impact
So I picked an ORG I think is doing good work helping nurture and uplift other women business owners.
And its my freaking professional hero as the leader ....running part of the events.
I was laughing and WORRIED about how it could hurt me
I mean I figured I made 20 K I can support the local Bus deve org but also larger regional Start close to home then branch out. Last year it was local , this year throw a larger net....
I got over worry and just registered.
I can only contribute a bit of money a small amt
Contribute to your greater community
My personal finance are such that it is small . My donations down.
But I feel like in the big picuture of the year of finanaces my company too should contribute to the greater community. So I signed up as a sponsor too,
A BOLD MOVE
One I hope not misunderstood.
I am not going to take steps based in fear.
So NO to IMPOSTER SYNDROME.
FUCK I may have to write copious morning pages to maintain my own emotional health BuT I DO IT and am ON POINT when report to work and rock my work.
So now am done.
The fight and the stress of worry about the kid both scared for and tremendously proud of the bravery of is alot emotionally.
Take care of your home first then help others I keep reminding self:
1. Call to cancel car insurance.
2. Call VEC to see status. See if any action item. Am I eligble for payment of all the claims filed? Any needed action item on my part after latest decision?
That will be enough for today
Can deal with running all the numbers of income etc SNAP and Medicare reporting paperwork etc. another day ( like tomorrow! SOON as SEPT 5th deadline for paperwork back to SNAP as got the letter of review of income due.)