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2023-08-24 - 6:53 a.m.

OK this may be odd

BUT I am taking what started as an email to my boyfriend
and moving it here

Will edit what ends up in the email

WHY
Cause it is too personal

HA HA YEAH That may seem ironic

BUT hear me out:

It is too personal and because he actually LOVES ME and cares for me and I know it is genuine
I mean honestly I am not worried this is going to fade and at 12 or 18 mo we hit the newness gone and the endorphin rush over... etc.. ( That Guardian article of the Science of Love really is stuck in my brain. My BF said he wishes I never told him about that as it worries him... him being a math/science person HA HA But I swear I am also so freaking pragmatic and a realist and not really the dreamer out of touch with reality... so no delusion here that this falling in love phase will last forever...)

BUT

Hear me out

It is TOO PERSONAL With too many FINANCIAL DETAILS which I don't think he need know exactly
As in he does love me already and has that very strong caring wanting to HELP and support those he loves

And he is generous
and I don't want him to feel any pull to try to SAVE ME

I don't want help

YET am so comfortable accepting his help

SO Two things:

The matriarch of the family he was so happy to bring me to meet. ( and what an honor.. His besties.. his fam really Bestie for 40 plus years. These were boys in school together... navigated college... navigated so much in their lives. His bestie is a twin. He is almost as close with the one as the other; just closer to the one simply as he and the one bro OWN The RIVER house together along with the bro's wife. I mean these are the kind of friends who could successfully buy a 2nd house together and have it work out for years. That says alot about the chachter of a person I think! But maybe my bar is low? Maybe I have just been around DIFFICULT people...the past 20 yrs....)

But still The fact these dude and a whole pack of friends would go camping every year and then my guy had the thought : lets just buy a place to go camping and kayaking

I mean it is like the dream MY COLLEGE friends had

We all talked of doing the same. Buying a place we could all live together in a commune H A HA
We wanted to take it further- intentional living in community

further than just the vaca river home.

Actually last night was date night. My turn to pick.

I really just wanted to go to the river.
I was EXHAUSTED so the next best thing to driving there- to his place was to bring him to the local park in his town that he never discovered before which is riverfront on the Potomac.

I have a sketchy memory for details of things that should be familiar. Like I should have realized the hike to the river is not as easy and simple to find. I mean I have done it more than a few times yet there now are a number of OTHER trails built out
so should not be hard on myself...
I think when I FIRST discovered this gem of a park in town but abutting the river there were not so many trails build out?

That or I somehow miraculously always found the same main one I love that goes down to the river.

BUT last night we did not find that trail.
We left too late in the day for us to explore enough to find it as at this point neither of us want the thrill of adventure of getting LOST in a park after dark. So we took the trails we found and backtracked the way in to know we were off the trail before dark as we went AFTER the end of workday.

It was so lovely.

OK maybe I WON"T Share the whole email here.

BUT I will dump it and edit.

I need to edit it way the fuck down as
this is not a lack of trust thing
but a knoweldge thing that he has that inclination to want to be the protector provider. I mean even when NOT in love he is the carer or others
generous with others
all this things in him are what I love about him

His habit of tipping is generous
* I Mean that is a freaking pet peeve of mine. I get appalled at those who are cheap with service workers

*He quietly helps out family and friends. Not showy. Not letting others know. But I see it. It is not a demonstrative self serving thing

It is just that he knows he is comfortable and he doesnt see reason for those in his FAMILY to be uncomfortable; or his chosen family.

When at his river house with friends he has his routine of taking such care of the space when arrive and leave
to
AS MY DAD said and the mantra is ingrained in me:
"Leave the place better than you left it"

He wants the housemates who come to spend time there to see no evidence anyone else was there. So when his bestie and his wife come it feels like is all theirs.
* They were there for a week and a half recently.

They all spend the SAME Time together sometimes but then most often with the whole group of friends for the annual camping thing over the years
and in recent years
moreso that the couple goes there
and he goes there each individually.

So here is my morning pages and the edit of it! HA HA Some will be the PERSONAL email BUT honestly I would rather dump and figure out the financial pieces MYSELF at this juncture.

I dont want any pull/ inclination/ to worry about me and think I already

IDK it is impossible to not be HONEST about my financial fact of being just afloat.

SO need to edit out some of this.
BUT SHARE SOME
I think however he need not worry about the lack of insurance if I do opt to go uninsured for a bit
HONESTLY that is the piece.

As the crazy thing is
when in love it is so fucking apparent
we already got "Is this your finance?"

to which he said "Soon"

And I KNEW it came out wrong when he answered the matriarch's question

I knew he meant opposite

and he blushed and said "I MEAN TOO SOON WE have only been dating a few months"
YET My blurt response was a quiet happy
"THANK YOU"

Really thinking I am grateful the thought of commitment does not instill TERROR in the man
HA HA
and a reaction like Buffalo guy had of recoiling and saying "I never said I wanted to marry you" (Oh but he did He also blured out "marry me" in front of witnesses of our friends after we all attended our college friends retirement from service ceremony at the Pentagon one year. Heck he also made the offer for me to move repeatedly so honestly he got over that fear of commitment but there were moments of the recoiling in terror and reaction of denial of that...etc.. HELL I know that is cause we were PAST the 18 mo period HA HA His brain IN LOVE said Marry me and his brain when we were in the later stages knew this was a good thing- this long distance love without the challenges of the WORK of a REAL relationship! HA HA)

I know too I am the one who is not up for commitment with him. Buffalo guy Drinker who did get onery and picked fights when drunk. I am not going to pretend he did not do that. He picked arguments. He got upset when I wanted to go to sleep. He felt abandoned. He wanted my company and took it as an affront when I was not going to stay up happy by his side when he could not stop drinking. His alcoholism is clear. He is in denial that is is costing him loss of other things. Sorbriety is a choice but for some a hard fucking choice. I am just not up for that Maybe too selfish. IDK but I could walk by someones side I think while they navigate the path if they wanted BUT I will not chose to walk by someones side as they choose to drink themself to an early death. I just can't do that. ME who may be an enabler in other ways ( with my kids? Possibly? There is one just gaming all the time now. Clearly addicted and not doing ANYTHING ELSE I have to figure out HOW to follow through on what the psycic told me to do. There has to be a path that works to get this kid out of the house into a part time job or school. She is NOT going to do it on her own AND NEEDS HELP. I knew with the older one there was NO RECEPTIVENESS from any help with that. The youngest too says not interested in my help...but I think MAYBE That in her is a defense I have to push through. She is a different person than the older one, who even if it is a BAD PLAN
an EXPENSIVE HIGH RISK ONE
I give credit for belief in self and going for it and trying.

MAYBE The older one going off to college on the west coast WILL be successful.

Maybe even if the kid does not land a job
the kid will be able to get loans EVEN CRAZY predatory ones

BUT STILL rock school and get a good job and pay them off.

I honestly think if those loans are taken the focus should be being successful in school.
Work only as much as can without it impacting grades. The kid needs to find a job where they can DO SCHOOL WORK ON THE JOB

Something like security guard where attentive but can also study.

IF CAN do that successfully.

I know the kid mentioned that as possible job.

FEMA jobs of helping others were of interest before POTS set in. The kid was so excieted to be of service so I know that part of this person is STILL within my kid. I recall the HUSTLE and the drive to help others on the CAP camping trip.
I recall that kid cleaning the site and packing up the tents with the adults. That part of my kid is still IN THERE.

SIGH
I hope for nothing but success.

OK here is the email for real (edited a bit)

This is the first edit , next will be edit and send of the actual email

I just don't want him to wnat to SAVE ME

Cause he made some comment AFTER the funny conversation with the matriarch
and we talked
he acknowledge it is true he has thought of marriage. I told him true I feel a THANK YOU As I too am feeling that possibility
and we both know of course this is informed by the early falling in love , being in love infatuation phase and wanting to spend time together etc...
the pull of biochem
we get it HA HA
so we both are on the same wavelength SOON/TOO SOON

Like I get it
The brain in love thinks both things almost concurrently
the body/being/soul finds the comfort of love and just wants to be together all the time. The THOUGHT pops up of that. (in those of us with Judeo Christian backgrounds at least where marriage is the natural choice when want commitment of life partnership). Idea of marraige pops in head. Head kicks in- to thought rather than emotional response
and thinks HECK TOO SOON to even have that thought that just popped into my head!

Its like he gave the perfect natural emotional response , unedited to that quesiton with honesty.

An honest blurt I felt like both misspeak and the truth at the same time And the BLUSH it was accompanied with.
And my "thank you" as in if he gave me a ring I would be thrilled BUT I would also say
"engagement for AT LEAST two years" HA HA lets get past the 18 month part. (I do have a theory however the engagement NEEDS to happen in that 18 month period or it will NEVER HAPPEN I mean really dudes there is a shelf life to being in love and once out of it WHY Commit if you are going to have what turned into a sorta commitment with the benefits of such without the responsiblity of such?)

so both not adverse to the possibility of marriage really made me happy. So content. Feel like on same wavelength.

I suppose in the end I have to admit HENRY was right when he said "don't we all REALLY want a life partner to grow old with?"

I said NO I don't think we all do.
He argued he thinks we all do but some are too afraid to acknowlede it and I said "maybe...."

Some think it just not possible or likely that they could meet someone who REALLY LOVES THEM for all they are- the good and the bad, flaws and all.

Someone Not triggered by being interrupted! HA HA

But is that enough of a baseline for longevity? I am comfortable with the funky sleep and dark man cave? Will I be long term if he keeps his sleep patterns ( which are more akin to my fam than MINE)
I mean is it only the comfort that he is accepting and understanding of my family the reason for my falling in love with him? Cause he is differnet from all those who are not so understanding?
OH but he worrys about them. No mistake his sleep patterns are waking and then working in the middle of night sometimes.
OR playing poker for hours and disrupted sleep due to that. YEAH The workholic and obsessive personality

But sans drugs and alchohol which is why this is OK with me

NO personality changes
from drink

BUT will I be OK with his occassional poker runs long term? Will that get old
(I don't think so. Its his hobby and brings him joy. AND he is good at it. Heck he is so excited the guys he plays with at the WV casio just won in DC at the MGM. I told him I found the Facebook and IG the day he entered a tournament which he does a couple times a year- one of the bigger ones. He goes for the low threshold buy in prequal ones as if he wins there he gets into the bigger ones without having to pay. So if he wins he is in and if he loses at the one just couple hundred to enter he does not advance and get a free spot and does not continue. His co horts just won two differnt games in DC. one first over 100K and the other placed to win $15 or 20K? Forget which... but point being he is winning more than losing but admits it is gambling. He said he had a bad run last year when he played he LOST and he runs the numbers and in the end of year his poker habit net gain overall of $4.50 per hour! HA HA BUT That is STILL GOOD REALITY is that is cost him or rather he also likely spent 20K in buying food and tipping etc. His shift was to NOT EAT OUT and be on a stict diet and not drink and I met him after he made those behavior changes. Would he keep them up for long term? AGAIN that is the unknown.
So yeah the marraiage thing
need a lot more time to know if this is a solid life partner LONG TERM

Drinker gambler? Hmmm
risk right?

BUT for some reason I trust he is honest and not playing me in any way. I trust it is truthful that he is a good enough poker player and has self control to not have an issue.
Heck and the guy has had a solid full time role as a programmer in the same place for 16 yrs- that too

His responsibilty is demonstrated. This is a big difference between him and Art. I mean Art had such trouble being employed and had trouble balancing his art and his need to create and be happy with need to make a living. If Art were NOT Volatile with the Italian temper and controlling with me crossing into abuse there was STILL the problem I just don't make enough to support him in living authenically as the artist he is in this world as it is. Art needs a sugar momma! For real! He could use a life partner or his family not minding loving and supporting his living so he can create art. I believe he really is that talented and the work he creates is so beautiful that he should be creating. But he doesn't have the abilty to balance working in the world and having energy to create.

So does love and commitment come down to fucking economics?? NO for me it really doesnt' It is just that was one more CONTRAINT Economics does however play into the reality of whether a commitment can WORK long term.
I couldn't see art not doing what he loves. Hell I think that is why (before the volitity anger issues manifested) I could not fathom commiting to him. It changes him when he is in relationship with commitment. I never could see him foregoing his painting and carving and stop creating and putting his energy into fixing my home. Hell I watched him do that with the one long term girlfriend he had and I saw him WANT To do that with me. HECK NO

so its kinda the same reason I want to be careful about how much information I SHARE with my BF at this three month stage.

TOO SOON
I don't want to be saved. I am afraid because of one comment he made when we talked about marriage
He said something like " I would not want to adversely affect your healthcare etc. benefits..etc.. if we got married it might mess that up for your kid."

Now I get why he said that. REALITY IF my income were not increased to where it is now and I were to continue to be eligible for medicaid THIS HELPS my kid tremendously! The healthcare has ironically been SO MUCH BETTER when on medical assistance than when I had bought a policy. So my kid has that med that helps most of all for MCAS. The one that with insurance was a $450 mo co pay. BUT I KNOW that with a BETTER employer sponsored high deductible plan ( like the one my ex husband has that the oldest child is still under!) THAT SAME MED is not that high. Cause the oldest ALSO has that med and in fact has been on it for YEARS and it WORKS for her to.

So he was rationally thinking and said as much "Honestly I want what is best for you. I want you to be economically stable. Even if we did not work out and broke up at one point I WANT To help you as much as I can"

He is like that I get that. I mean I am to. I don't understand people who REGRET helping those they love after the relationship changes or they end it. Its not like a wedding ring in engagement where it is a contingency if you actually have real love and concern and help out of love! Its not like support offered out of love is an EXCHANGE . In my view as either giver or receiver

BUT there is the reality I can ONLY RECEIVE when I feel that- feel it is not manipulation or an attempt to buy my love and attachment or an attempt to lock me in and make me feel I OWE something
if that makes sense?


[So the below was written earlier and I lost my place in review and edit to be sure I did not drop a REAL NAME OF my kid-
so out of flow and order as in editing I added to above. HA HA That is the stream of conciousness morning pages style i do. Know it is a mess. Hell structure and grammer and spelling etc reserved for actual WORK as writing is what I do all day. Next part was the train of thought of wondering if real love and what based on. I added the economic question above! HA HA But below is the question "Is love sound if based on COMFORT? comfort of the familiar? of being able to be fully self without having to mask?]

My boyfriend is comfortable with my blurts and interruptions and we can patiently see the moments of ADHD and have curiosity and ask "Can you tell me more?"
or gently say
" oh darling... you left the car on" AND THEN LAUGH

**OOPS After being upset with the argument with my kid as we got into it over the college plan and REALLY Wanting a hug and to just be held a moment and emotionally supported before digging into work, and stopping by THINKING it would be a few minutes
cause I had a call at 10 and needed to plug in ( was going to find a coffee shop if had to)

I stopped by to see my BF and ended up plugging in to work THERE for the morning

AND when he went out later ( as I had his borrowed Electric vehical and also had to drive back to return it after borrowing to take the dog to the vet- DARN The electric cars are so QUIET near SILENT when on)

he came in and LAUGHED that the car was still ON

No rage
no stress
just laughing and his comment " You left the car on. have done that"

The keys were in the house! that is the interesting thing. I carried them in the house and put them on the shelf but the car was still on.
He gave me a big hug as told me what I did.

OMG what a comfort to me! To have that loving, gentle response to my humanity.

OK, trying again without further comment, JUST EDITING of the below -here is the email:

"Wow I was so tired last night I wrote  "AC Unit" instead of FAN!  LOLThink you knew what I meant?  Phone works for sure again as the handset is surely charged overnight. So yes can call !  When you like- if need to talk to me. : ) I am awake early again- but will try to go back to sleep a little more as I feel like I need a bit more rest. Came on line mainly to try to log into the Virginia Employment Commission site as might have forgotten to tell you this-but I got a letter from them that my APPEAL  Decision was reviewed (I had filed paperwork for them to appeal the denial of Unemployment Insurance)and that it was  OVERTURNED and determined that YES  I was eligible for unemployment insurance.
The thing is, I think they have issues in their online system when you are UNDEREMPLOYED in the sense lose a primary income but still have a preexisting part time, very small wage, in fact pretty negligible jobI mean that is the SA weekend only thing-  I made 5K a year at that job only for years.So should STILL be eligible for unemployment when lose primary income
XXXXXXXXXXXX AVG hrs worked were 33-and I had  a 401K so it was such a good gig when they hired me and agreed I could run my own company and consult. 
The whole idea was that base income and then this consulting income ON TOP OF IT. THAT Was my plan.   After a surge and working on negotiation of a couple really big deals for them; XXXXXXXX leveled out to less than 20 hrs a week so had time for other clients. It was a really good run there. The thing is I need to see if I can curate a situation like that. Something part time which will also allow me to get partial benefits. They had a 401K and they were matching it. I feel like I need just a few more years in a higher wage job to get out of debt and kick up my retirement fund and try to catch up. That is my biggest concern BUT I also wanted to just do what helped my kids the best. So truth be told I thought working at consulting and chilling for a bit working for myself ( rather than a full time employee-)  would allow me to be home here for them to help launch them to college.  But I thought it would be easier as STILL WORKING to land a full time role when looked for one.  I applied and interviewed for so many for months.Gave it a good hustle. Before I landed the gig with my best client I was interviewing for full time roles. Even when I had the first client at 10 hrs a week at first ( The CA company. They used me alot at first to clean up all their templates) I was aggressively job hunting to try to land a well paid role. I interviewed for a number of Contract Director jobs which paid high-   150 K ish   Those jobs would have been totally different level of commitment to working-work life balance on the shelf as get established BUT I know I could rock them (if medicated ! HA HA but true)   and was considered for a few...BUT Once the CEO hired me from my best client and she started giving me steady work I stopped the intense job hunt and stopped religiously entering the details in the VEC on line portal when it worked. 
ALL this to say that I was rather diligent in filling out those VEC claims forms for a good run
I have no idea how long I did it ( locked out of the system and they are not even open yet. I need to CALL to get unlocked and see what it shows)

The decision being overturned SHOULD mean that I get the actual unemployment insurance for all those weeks that I succeeded in completing the claims.
 
Their system was so crappy it was hard to do. I went to the office in PERSON that is a story in itself for another time.
I am hoping the overturn of the decision actually TRIGGERS and action and that they process all those claims.
If that happens I expect an ACH to show up any week now with a lump sum of UI Payment.

* Would be perfect timing.

The irony is that only after never getting a VEC payment, when on line applying to purchase a marketplace health insurance plan did it indicated we were eligible for Medicaid  and I went into the office and got SNAP as well.
So the denial of VEC made me eligible for the much higher value support. It makes me laugh in a way as the VEC inefficiencies and errors are what led to the medical support which as you know is far more of an expense.
Ironic as their initial denial helped me!

So if a payment comes now it is good timing. As I am ineligble for the SNAP moving forward as my income has increased. So that will end. I received that when had no income from consulting and now in 
OH shit  humbling   I was kinda proud if I earned enough to get OFF SNAP

BUt oh snap... I am on the cusp still....  I earned 20 K so far this year from my main client  XXX about 5K a yr.. close to this....
Eligibility- 130 percent of the poverty line for a three-person family is $2,495 a month, or about $29,940 a year. 

AH but the tenant. I am honest and reported the rental income when applied. AH so yes that kicked up my income     YEAH Considering that it makes more sense to me why over now
I think best thing for me to do is just NOT complete the application at all and let it lapse. 

AH  I have to also report the changes for medical assistance too.  Likely will have to either opt to be uninsured for a bit ( which fiscally for me is in a way smarter- I did that for a period.  FOR SOLELY ME THAT IS
Maybe My kid can apply on their own for Medicaid  wherever lives and not be tied to me once moves out- this is the tricky thing- their health care should be a priority for X. That reminds me they best have a refill of the one med that is helping functioning. It was a $450 CO PAY When we had insurance but is now FREE for X and is the one med that helps MCAS and makes a big difference for him- ** I will remind him as this is the one thing he should be sure to move with. As much of that medication he can get before loss of the current health insurance as he may be about to lose Mediaid to.

Despite disability, and autism I am rather sure his health care is tied to the award that was income based. He never did apply for SSDI (to my knowledge). To his credit he WANTS To go to school and succeed and WORK and NOT BE ON SSDI
I had advised " GET THE HEALTH INSURANCE AT THE COLLEGE FIRST THING"
first he said "I can't afford it"
and I reiterated
" you can't NOT afford it -for your health"
I did tell him we likely are not eligible meaning I am not eligible based on earnings and he likely will lose his healthcare tied to my eligibility. FUCK I NEVER BELIEVE FOLKS REFUSED WORK TO MAINTAIN BENEFITS BUT HELL now I understand why THAT WOULD BE ETHICAL IMAGINE IF YOU HAVE A DISABLED CHILD??

Imagine if YOU work your CHILD loses essential health care that makes them well?

What a fucked up world we live in.

Basically-  in reporting changed income which I have to do-I am not going to be eligible for medical assistance anymore. MEANING My now adult child may also lose their healthcare.

I am thinking strategically I may be best off just not completing the form for reapplication for SNAPand then letting it lapse for lack of reapplication
That might be better than reporting the increased income which really started in JAN to be honest. I think we were awarded the benefits last SEPT
But in NOV my consulting company landed the client. The company was not profitable until MARCH 2023 (was in the red with operation and start up costs)
BUT was profitable as a company as of March 2023.I did pull salary as HAD TO to pay my bills of course and worked to earn that income obviously So once landed work  I did pay myself  what earned  and that was JANI honestly did not even THINK about reporting that increased income. It seriously just slipped my mind as with it was just getting by. 
So I think I assumed no impact on eligibilty
BUT looks like maybe we became ineligible once I earned that income with Blake Consulting? It then was on the cusp I think and possible RIGHT OVER
DARN this means there is really only one thing to do
Run the numbers

If picking up the NEW job when asked just few months ago put us OVER the eligibilty that would just suck.

OK  this is the dump  I again feel like I SHOULD DELETE MORE THAN HALF OF THIS AS THIS IS MY STUFF AND I DON"T NEED TO DUMP IT ON YOU
But thank you for being an EMOTIONAL SUPPORT

Just keep that boundary that although you love me and want me to be in a good place
KNOW I AM IN A GOOD PLACE
and seriously don't try to help. Not with thisI accepted your help with Trixie and can graciously accept the gift of my birthday
BUT I don't want you to be worried about  any of this.


FUCK YEAH I am going to delete the email.

Becuase of that one comment.

That mention "Need to look at how marriage could affect you and kids"


CAUSE No
I don't want my boyfriend to look at that

Not yet.

Not if I am about to be uninsured and my kid too.

NOT HIS RESPONSIBILTY

and I don't think he needs to know as he is in love and he is the kind of guy I think that wants to help

and If we do consider marriage I DO NOT want it to be informed, influenced by ECONOMICS at all.

Call me an idiot

But I married for love

YUP

and I only want to consider marriage for actual love and for the quality of the RELATIONSHIP and how spend time together.

I just don't want economics to be part of that. (even though it is to some degree)

I just want the foundation of any life commitment to not be BASED on that and do not want the RISK that there is economic factors influencing me at all or him.

I don't want to be *SAVED*.

I got this.

I will figure it out.

I worked on business development yesterday. I was tired . I needed a nap.

But I pushed myself once I got the contract out the door and signed up for the ONE professional development opportunity I had picked as the one I wanted to do.

I HAD chosen this then did not sign up a few weeks ago-

as when I read the details I was like OH SHIT

and WORRIED about how it would look.

Cause here is the thing:

One of the things is a mentorship opportunity.

And the name there of the women leader hosting the social and then also some leaders' of the company sponsor being established women

IS LITERALLY the woman I was inspired by and want to have as my mentor

dreamed of approahing as my mentor

BUT NIXED the idea of

as the Pres of her company approached ME and asked me to support

SO they are now my CLIENT.


I was like "SHIT I can't let them know I aspire to grow! "

I don't want to get FIRED Again as they think I might unethically STEAL their business or COMPETE with them

ASSHOLES DO THat

Fuck I have seen it too many times.

Fucking folks more concerned about making a dollar than ethics.

IT turns my stomach.

I dumped a guy when I found out his whole business was built stealing the client of a former boss. All fucking interest in dating him GONE.

I lost ALL RESPECT for that man. That was a very short lived thing- figured that out early.

I am hard core that my ethics won't be compromised.

I have clients who work in different spaces

THANK GOD.

I love that they are in different industrys and have different markets and I don't need to worry about conflicts.

BUT I want to keep it that way and don't want to:
1. grow too fast that I can't keep up with the work or
2. In any way that could create conflict of interest

AND DO Want to grow to:

1. Help uplift OTHERS I REALLY Want to find work for folks capable that want to work who are struggling AS MUCH AS
2. HELP MYSELF AND MY FAMILY


Truth be told I have seen one of the best ways family can be supported is to create a company and find work that fits their strengths!

I used to thing nepotism a awful thing. My view shifted. When you do the work you love and FIND those in a market who need your work
IT IS NOT nepotism if the work is curated and found by FAMILY who help those who need a bit of that kind of help.

I see this as the personalities who may be super talented BUT INTROVERTs.

Maybe that is my company unspoken mission

HELP the talented neurodivergent introverts of the world be seen and accepted so they can offer their gifts to the world.


Maybe I should align the disability advocacy with greater intention in my company mission statement?

Maybe my company should be the gap fill in the market where there is LACK of REAL MEANINGFUL work for disabled but for service roles that are physical labor based and low wage?

THINK ABOUT IT

Disabled are PHSICALLY CHALLENGED

YET the uneducated are often uneducated due to disaibluty and the jobs offered to disabled are low wage jobs that

REQUIRE PHYSICAL WORK

HIGH WAGE JOBS are desk jobs!

We have to get more disabled into college OR TRIANED for those desk jobs without college.

I mean I give my kid credit for KNOWING they won't survive long in a job that hurts their body.

EDS means your body does not produce collegin.

WHEN IT IS GONE IT IS GONE

YOU HAVE PAIN

It is NOT LAZY for my kids to refuse to take low wage jobs that hurt the body long term

I GET IT

They are RIGHT to put self care and self preservation above earning a few bucks and hour UNLESS THEY HAVE TO.

BUT they are wrong to assume ANY work phycially will harm them! THAT is the flaw in their thinking

BUT I still give my kid credit for wanting to go to college and get a professional white collar job that should be low impact on their disabled body.

YEAH I want people LIKE MY FAMILY to be able to work and succeed.

MY VISION IS
I can find work for people like that.

As a women owned small professional business.

I started targeted with seeking work I can do. BUT I envision growing from here


SO the big move was NOT being intimidated that the ONE professional development thing I chose to invest in for my company
to be out there to LEARN mostly ( not really market yet ) BUT ALSO to CONTRIBUTE

I want to support orgs I feel are making meaningful impact

So I picked an ORG I think is doing good work helping nurture and uplift other women business owners.

And its my freaking professional hero as the leader ....running part of the events.

I was laughing and WORRIED about how it could hurt me
if I signed up boldly like I WANTED

I mean I figured I made 20 K I can support the local Bus deve org but also larger regional Start close to home then branch out. Last year it was local , this year throw a larger net....

I got over worry and just registered.
and signed up my company as a sponsor as I WANT to support the mentorship of OTHER AS WELL.
I just have to give back, and as a business owner in very nascent stages of my tadpole reality-

I can only contribute a bit of money a small amt
but kinda also believe in the tithing aspect

Contribute to your greater community

My personal finance are such that it is small . My donations down.

But I feel like in the big picuture of the year of finanaces my company too should contribute to the greater community. So I signed up as a sponsor too,

A BOLD MOVE

One I hope not misunderstood.

I am not going to take steps based in fear.
And hell I really would love to learn from this amazing woman as a mentor BUT if there is also opportunity to support her mentorship of others that is deeply gratifying.

So NO to IMPOSTER SYNDROME.

FUCK I may have to write copious morning pages to maintain my own emotional health BuT I DO IT and am ON POINT when report to work and rock my work.

So now am done.

The fight and the stress of worry about the kid both scared for and tremendously proud of the bravery of is alot emotionally.
SIGH Cup of cofee and ready to focus on work now. I have a contract to draft. OH YEAH and AFTER work done:
well no scratch that:
TODAY's TO DO DO personal shit FIRST THEN WORK:

Take care of your home first then help others I keep reminding self:

1. Call to cancel car insurance.
2. Find my car title to sell the damn car to some auctioner. (for what $300 bucks? WHOO HOO HA HA,,, will be surprised if more)
3. Research insurance for non car owners and likely buy it ( I know in VA insurance runs with car but when borrowing boyfriend's car I ALSO want to be insured if I were ever responsible for injury to another. BUT FOR HEALTH insurance I kinda believe in insurance for something. Like my business...)

2. Call VEC to see status. See if any action item. Am I eligble for payment of all the claims filed? Any needed action item on my part after latest decision?

That will be enough for today

THEN WORK

Can deal with running all the numbers of income etc SNAP and Medicare reporting paperwork etc. another day ( like tomorrow! SOON as SEPT 5th deadline for paperwork back to SNAP as got the letter of review of income due.)


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Syncopation - 2023-08-27

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Time to move the laundry. - 2023-08-25

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Sometimes good for me to just BE at home. Fully present here. - 2023-08-25

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Chill week No stressful work; so taking a little time to slow down this AM as laundry done. - 2023-08-25

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AH Maybe at least two months of VEC benefits to be paid to me? MAYBE MORE? - 2023-08-24

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