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2023-08-25 - 11:40 a.m.

My ADHD just thought of one more thing on the TO DO

A therapist

YEAH I tried therapy last year , not two years ago
Had three sessions before the Co pay with the Healthcare policy I had was cost prohibitive to continue

The neighborhood dude never got back to me.

I can send one last email to see if he really doesn't want work or if he wants to try.
Why not?
He is close
I can WALK There which was the freaking point.

BUT I just remembered I THINK when picking the health plan that I intentionally always sign up for one MY Psychiatrist ( who I visit now like once every few years! ) is IN NETWORK for.

I have a Dr. Medical management is a thing that WORKS for me when undergo it.

I just don't all the time cause Lithium hurts the kidneys long term.

So reserve it for when NEEDED and NOT all the time.


a new relationship is a trigger.
Falling in love is a trigger

those intrusive thoughts that I KNOW Are BS and just an CPTSD inital response so they don't feel so bothersome

STILL are co-occurring with the ACTUAL physical sensations of terror

the tightening of chest
breathing constriction or hyperventilation
shoulders tight

clear reactive body stress

etc.. etc,,,

Exercise helps
Sleep helps
good diet helps

I woke up the past FEW nights with adrenaline rushes 2:30 AM ish
I stayed up one of those nights

I went back to sleep after a couple of hours

BUT It is related to stressors for sure

And yeah I have some

Still economic concerns
trigger of man in life
kid stressors the one not functioning I mean gaming ADDICTED is all I can see

I have to say the Psycic DID hone in on the crucial real truth.

Maybe she was better than I WANTED ??

Fuck the one time in my life I splurged and HIRED one of the best known psyics in the Western NY AREA ( former Lilydale Pres)

for a reading


I mean that was It.

ALL SHE SAID WAS that they need to be given ultimatums to
1. Enroll in a class

ANy class
2. Find a job
ANY JOB just a one or two days a week even

I believed she was a bit overdramatic about the danger of that not happening.


I was trying to get us ALL in the FAMiLY COUNSELING in the neigborhood...

so back to that
I can call MY DR! AND The office has a therapist I saw freaking 15 yrs ago ?

they likely take my insurance!

I think with the case management from the insurance company they use.

They kept calling.
The insurance company called to set up kid with case management as the medical needs are obviously complex.

My kid said that they heard from other disabled folks case management is very helpful. They said "Case managers are your friends. They advocate and bully the insurance companies for you to pay for essential care."

YUP A Good case manager indeed is very helpful to those who don't have the energy to be assertive in seeking coverage of their essential care.
They are too tired.

OK so my kid clarified a few reasons WHY They chose their college all which make perfect sense to me.

I am feeling BETTER about their plan.

They do not intent to apply for private loans until AFTER working a job for at least a little bit PART TIME AND Establishing a credit rating

So they realistically know that they won't get a loan without a credit rating and working.

BUT the school is on a semester schedule as they have the kids take only THREE CLASSES At a time! That is considered full time as they are accellerated classes. More intense study. AH Like Columbia College in Chicago...

YES schools like that are often BETTER for neurodivergent

Courses being taken include CALCULUS which my kid already took.
and two others which are not heavy lifts.

SO YEAH it will be EASY for this kid to rock and get As for sure. I mean this kid was identified as gifted early on. At the middle school graduation had SIX awards for highest grades in areas. Rocked the Continental Math Exam. Won the Scholastic Writing award... OK 4 subject area awards for highest grades and those two awards.

It was like the kid was CLEANING UP at the graduation ceremony and was bitter and upset as had just been suspended weeks before for running out of the building when staged their own emancipation from the home of their abusive father.

I mean a brilliant kid. That runnin out of school was cause their Dad was not going to support going to find out about how to apply to TJ one of the most prestigiuos math science schools in the nation.
The kid then applied ON THEIR OWN
I did not even know until I got a call AT WORK from the school that the application needed a parents permission. MY MISTAKE Was telling the kids' Dad about this at all and giving him opportunity to be involved in decisioning for his kid. I SWEAR I never would have thought it was better for a kid to cut out a parent BUT
in hindsight I feel like that was perhaps a wrong stance I took.


Can't change the past. But honestly I swear if he did not KNOW
at that graduation it might have been announced this kid was going to TJ

HE slipped up and let it be known he blocked that from happening. The kid made it through the initial rounds was in the final pool of kids

BUT Heslipped up and BLURTED that the reason the kid did not get in was cause the school was made aware of the suspesion and he knows this as he talked with someone on the addmission team.


I just remember my kid hearing that blurt from him.

I mean the suspension was NOT ON THE RECORD
that was the deal.

They suspended the kid for running out of the school for a few days BUT they did not put it on the record. (So they said)

The kid also had a fight and had been seen as bullying another student who they hit.

* (This happens to be their best friend; who as an adult is the only friend who ever has come over here HA HA Ironic
I mean it seemed very much like a DATING relationship to me as ADULTS between these two now grown young adults...but I stay out of the personal lives and that was not SHARED with me. I mean the hugging and cuddling on the couch kinda looked that way. My oldest who visited said "Yeah that looks like boyfriend/girlfriend to me...."
SO yeah it was middle school best friend but in a crush stage and the kid of course did not know how to handle emotion and my kid who grew up in an abusive household HIT their beloved! NOT COOL He certainly needs to work on that... but it is his path.)

OK this kid came down and we talked. See what happens when I am just HERE


I scrapped idea of work at all til laundry DONE. And I started to pack up the winter clothers to ship to the other kid teaching in ASIA. It is likely getting cool there at night and early AM. My kid will need their winter coat soon.

The taking WAS NICE
GOOD interaction

I told the kid I love him
AND that he can't tell ANYONE on that college campus to "Fuck off" When upset like he does me.

I said he just HAS to recognize that when here he feels comfortable and does not mask or filter at ALL but that I feel like I am the safe place so he also deflects ALL ANGER onto me and uses me as a punching bag. I said "You can't do that!" He HAS to find another way to deal with emotion.

HE did say that I TRIGGER HIM but said "Make no mistake if I lived with Dad he would irritate me just as much and I would lose it as much there too, if not more."

BUT he said "DAD is better with boundaries! And that is BAD if I say DAD is better than you at that as we know how AWFUL HE IS"

The kid says not to go into his room but I take that to mean WHEN HE IS NOT THERE
and have been chatting from hall then walk in and of course this autistic brained child is the rule enforcer to letter of law
so the boundary don't enter my room
he was yelling that I never respect and I was like
"What do you mean? I NEVER GO IN YOUR ROOM!"

was in HIS mind violated over and over again the times I inched over the threshold even - when in talking saw dirty dishes and said "let me just grab those" And I went in to pick them up ( YEAH did that last night. )
HE called me out

Its a different brain. I Get it.

Like the stupid strict liability
which is done of course to avoid accountabilty HA HA

My kid notices EVERY Transgression and then gets angry and the experience for him is me not respecting him.

*Oh I get it

SO I packed up a box. This is where if I had a car I would go to the post office and mail one and find out about the ones that are fixed price. I might buy a box an MOVE this stuff into one of those. Have to price it. I got the address to send it to.
AH kid off the phone so can make calls to get other things done. Like see if my doc can fit me in and takes my insurance.

When thinking "what if I am being poisoned" Seriously only a flash sec
but when boyfriend gets me water
I mean he is sweet and does that for me when at his place all the time
brings me food
gets me water

It should not be a fucking trigger
BUT IT IS for a split second.

I think it is PTSD that makes my kid convinced this house has a serious mold problem. ( IT DOES NOT!!)

BUT years ago after the work on the wall we DID discover mold in the wall and THEN it DID get in the environment and since then I DO have to clean the bathrooms regularly and true if left too long there will be a rim of black gunk- yeah likely black mold in the bathrooms where water falls.

BUT I don't think this is a serious mold problem. Maybe a small presence?


BUT the kid was yelling about this the other night, in the kitchen.

I freaking ordered mold tests and they got cancelled.

Just two days ago my tenant asked if I was going to give her a new renewal of lease which is up in OCT. I forgot it was up. I told her I am fine with month to month.

I said I am content to have folks rent from me as long as they like or move when they want.
She said she is happy here and was happy to sign a lease and I said SURE if she wanted it for her peace of mind to know she has the security of this space.

BUT THEN yesterday she gave me the rent check and said "September is my last month here. I have to tell you I did not plan on moving but I just came across this place and it was available and I was so happy and just knew I have to move there. It is three bedrooms for $1600 and I can't pass it up! "

Honestly in this area that is a good rent. She can sublet the other two rooms even OR if things are good with her family maybe she and they can share it She had family in the area and some are also currently in transition so I think it a better choice. We all know some who are like that with family they do better if NOT together all the time but love each other and smaller doses or shorter term. But if in a jam and REALLY Needed the help I think she would PREFER of course to have a place to be able to offer to her young adult children to come crash with her a bit frankly.

Some parents want their kids out of the home! I think she would be delighted if her kids wanted to spend time with her.

In a way I think it has been good for my friend and neighbor to have his son and DIL living with him as he helps them out for about a year or maybe two. They are both working and saving money to buy a home.

Its noon.

I am going to move laundry then work. I have two projects One I want the multiple screens for but the other a simple contract to draft. OH Three,,,no four... BUT I need work for NEXT week too. It was busy a surge but slowed a bit and I want to pace the work I have. I have approval for 20 hrs but don't want to work 20 this week and 10 next if I can balance the time at work and have work life balance truthfully.
Maybe that is silly. But it feels the right thing to do today. And fact hung with my kid in a POSTITIVE interation was great. Being here doing "nothing" when fully present for my kids is actually doing EVERYTHING important to me just now. It feels like this PRESENCE Of mine IS STILL My #1 priority.

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Last night's dream - 2023-08-28


OK nice afternoon. Walked to coffee shop after errand. Sitting on porch worked/wrote a bit. - 2023-08-28


Morning pages. - 2023-08-28


Syncopation - 2023-08-27


Time to move the laundry. - 2023-08-25