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2023-08-25 - 10:44 a.m.

Maui is in awful state
and ATF is investigating the removal of power lines and equipment by the utility company
which makes piecing what happened harder.

At least the news is reporting concerns that large developers coming in to sweep up land is a concern of the locals.

Good there is news about how the native Hawain population needs to be involved in the rebuilding.

Hearing how it has been slower to identify remains of the dead.
It is a remote area and harder to find folks families apparently

Often ashes the only thing left

But less involvement than usual after a disaster has been reported of gatherin of DNA from area families to match with dead

Well of course!! This is essentially an area that there were native population in the rural areas, in a land OCCUPIED by the US about 50 years ago.

Of course older native Hawaians would have DISTRUST of the U.S. federal govt.

They were already traumatized.
They were feeling annihilation of their culture was a possibilty

So if FEMA shows up and asked you for YOUR DNA if you were in the midst of trauma of massive fired that just killed your loved ones when you were feeling a prisonier in your land that was occupied by a military presence

when you lived there lets say 80 years

I understand the distrust.

Its a tough problem

I can not imaging how difficult to get the collaboration and cooperation and working together of those in uniform and those living remote in ways much like they lived for the past years NOT engaged in mainland culture.

YES the native Hawain Population is where I do think relief efforts need to go, FOR the #1 Reason that they offer culturally appropriate counseling and mental AS WELL AS physical supports to the Hawiains suffering trauma.

Here is one legit dude leading relief efforts in Maui in various ways.

Follow his IG Linktree to see sign up for those in O'aha ( honolulu) which is where he is located.

So today I did make the call to cancel car insurance.

Next step: Walk to bank to pull the title and arrange for its pick up and sale to be auctioned to a salvaging company.

I sent in the update to income to SNAP.

Thinking what else is on my TO DO.
I paid bills, I got paid a bit MORE this month as my client base did increase a bit. So I paid bills-
took the dog to the vet and got her a lyme disease vaccination.
Basically I got paid $500 more this month and the VET bill and medical bills for one kid are now covered.

I felt like I was forgetting something.

DAMN I have to cut a check to my brother who gave me a loan I have to pay back! PRONTO
I have to just start and excel and payment plan and get rid of that debt!!

THat is what I was forgetting.
I have one credit card with about 10 K which sucks. I basically consolidated two cards into that new one with a ZERO interest rate some time ago. Good financial move but I have to PAY THAT OFF with increased work.


Need to keep being lean. Smart. Frugal
YEAH Cheap

I got this.

*OH but I did treat myself a few weeks ago to the 40% off door dash on a day working IN THE ZONE and ordered these kicking Epananas. I mean they were SO DARN GOOD

It was amazing actually how good those were. For $25 we had six of them and they were ample and delicious and all three of us shared them so not a bad price point for a meal! Seriously with making a salad it was perfect, enough, and delicious.
With a decent tip it was still a great price point for all three of us enjoying such great food.

The challenge is I had NO IDEA where the restaraunt was located. Now that I ordered from them I NOTICED the restarunt on a walk with Bellatrix.

this amazing food is just about a 10 minute walk away.

I have never been tempted to eat out before.

I mean like EVER.

and I mean EVER
craved a food that had to be BOUGHT

til now.
OK To write the check to bro. At least something.
Off to run numbers and see what can send him.
THEN move the laundry. I just kinda wanted to not start working til that was in the dryer. As when I get IN THE ZONE
I really get in the zone.

AND I also think best to catch the bus to the town I work in tonight at 5 pm and work from there
RATHER THan work from here and have to catch the bus at 4. YEAH
I will head out once laundry done then really focus on work there.

Can work from my Boyfriends home.
I was thinking coffee shop but he has a kickin multiple monitor set up I can use. YEAH I want that today as it really does improve efficiency.

This is also good for me as its a step SERIOUSLY INTENTIONAL STEP
to get over my on CPTSD

Make no mistake the thougth of plugging into a guys electronics instills fear in me.

I left my cell phone in his car and he said "would you like to tell me how to unlock and check for messages and let you know if anyone called"

instilled FEAR in me.
just absolute TERROR
in a PTSD response.

Fear of the controller.
Fear of nefarious interest in my affairs or those of my clients possibly not being secure.

and its the same damn reputable place for the past 16 yrs.

Hell he also worked alongside a CTO in a company that downsized but was a big player and as he describes it
"Its kinda interesting working for a sinking ship
If you are essential and uniquely positioned you end up jumping from lifeboat to lifeboat on the project that might be the one to save it."


So he is really smart, capable and I think also EASY TO GET ALONG WITH

but I am ALSO very encouraged as he is ethical

I do have trust.

BUT When NOT with him then I don't I mean the CPTSD DOES kick in pretty hard.

Its awful
the feeling of absolute terror

The irrational fears when someone brings you water to drink

I mean seriously

When my EX husband used to say things like "I am going to kill you" in ANGER and MEANT IT
I mean after you have had hands on your throat and been dragged out of the house eight months pregnant and thown in a ditch at the side of the road.,,,

those moment are hard to shake the effects of.

So yeah I get the trauma
and the immobility of the people in MAUI who need to heal

HELL the people in my own home who need/needed to heal

I GET IT that sometimes patience and letting the person REST to reset their nervous system
the vagus nerve? I forget the exact language I wanted but that is the gist

People need to rest.

SO I felt like this AM I just kinda needed to NOT work and enjoy a cup of tea and rest a bit and not plug in.

Heck I should write long hand. The occupational therapists swear by its benefits in actual helping brain and on trauma as well.
YEAH painting
physically writing
playing guitar

ALL WEEK I have WANTED to play guitar.

It is not here. DAMN left it at my boyfriends as I brought it when stayed there between working Friday , Sat and SUn in town. He was not even there Sat night but I stayed there. I walked home with the guitar
and crazy thing is I carried it to work and most often on a Sat night if bring the guitar enjoy a really nice practice session BUT
I wanted to find the best accomodation for the birthday getaway we are going on.

My boyfriend was ready to book it if I wanted weeks before BUT I Wanted to wait to see if any family were free that wanted to visit. If they were thought possibly an Aunt or Uncle might WANT company in a now empty nester home OR get an AIRBNB closer to relatives to visit them. Was seriously thinking maybe go out on L.I. on Friday , Sat as we are heading to NY.

Put a message on FB for all the family to see and said hit me up if you would like to get together
I would love to see cousins as well
I mean as kids we all went camping every year together!

I really EXPECTED my aunts who SAID "COME VISIT!" to either call me

as I sent messages with my phone number and said CALL When can!

OR for them to send me a message.

There are two aunts I felt close to in the past I really hoped to visit .



I think will call my Dad to find their numbers just in case they did not see the messages. POSSIBLE
They are older of course.

Maybe they see POSTS but not messages as easily if on phones WHO KNOWS

But... one sent me a message when she was in the area where my oldest is and hoped to maybe see her when in that city. SEE that is why I thikn she would love to see ME! I think maybe they did not see the post;/mgs. THAT HAPPENS

I don't see posts all the time as well, I have to find their numbers.

Ok that is the next to Do:

This is why I write.
It helps me clarify and act.

I am intentional in DOING NOTHING some days BEFORE digging into work so I have work life balance and have the NOTHING TIME to relax and think and sometimes then the most important things bubble up.

Like calling the aunts I love.

Heck. Family is important. Last I saw them was at my Mother's funeral 4 years ago. I don't want the NEXT time I see these aunts that were so supportive in growing up years to be when it is another funeral.

Drop check in mail for bro ( after quick accounting)
Move laundry to dryer
Search for Aunts #s.

We already made a plan to stay in CT the Sat night , with or without one of the besties of my BF. His kids might have a hockey game out of town. BUT either way we are welcome there. I enjoyed meeting this friend last weekend ever so briefly.

So last Sat at work I did book a wonderful NYC hotel. We are going to see the off broadway debut of a friends show! SERIOUSLY This is HUGE
This friend of mine has a show up in NYC for the month of AUG through OCT I think.
I am so delighted to be going to see it as my birthday gift! I did find a nice Time Square hotel reasonable! PRICELINE CAME THORUGH!

BUT looking and finding the best option WAS NOT QUICK for me. I started after dinner, after setting up the residents at the assisted living with a movie.
When done it was time for the lock up responsibilities! It was like a time warp. NO TIME for guitar. The resident who sings with me was not disappointed thanfully as he watched the movie. WHEW ... Had I let him down that would have been sad.

I would have practiced guitar this AM. Maybe will get some practice in tonight at work! I have three evening shifts this weekend so that is three nights of practice. YEAH!

Oh I forgot the Business Office Manager at the one job said she might need my help and may call to set up time.I think I will call her to follow up and just see if she still needs that help or not!

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OK nice afternoon. Walked to coffee shop after errand. Sitting on porch worked/wrote a bit. - 2023-08-28


Morning pages. - 2023-08-28


Syncopation - 2023-08-27


Time to move the laundry. - 2023-08-25


Sometimes good for me to just BE at home. Fully present here. - 2023-08-25