2023-08-28 - 8:44 a.m.
Last Thu I had left my cell phone in my boyfriend's car.
OK of course I am sure why I did not have the wisdom. I have to stop with the
Because truth be told I DO Understand the why of some of the most frustrating behaviors.
Poor Executive Functioning skills
Not being super mindful
and REALLY INTENTIONALLY CONCIENTIOUS
When just relaxing and BEING the excutive functioning part of the ADHD brain is just dormant. Its like the computer shut off.
It has to be intentionally activated. There had to be a HUGE boost of power generated for the ADHD Brain executive functioning part to work.
I have said its like we have old computers that run slower.
ADHD brains are also like old phone networks with static on the line, and most often they are third party lines
BUT it turns out that it was in fact a BLESSING that I did not have that cell phone.
When I next saw my boyfriend and got the phone on Saturday I read two texts:
1. Co worker young 20 yr old trying to adult but really struggling cause he does things like sends this text " Can you work for me tomorrow. I am in middle of moving and not feeling well"
OH I was so happy that he was prioritized and given all the shifts (rather than me ) this month. It was the rally for him to work as many hours at this job we are both relief workers for so he could earn enough in rent.
I am hoping he landed another job too and a new apt to remain independent. His parents basically said he is welcome to move back in , and they will help with a security deposit and first month rent for him to move to a new apt provided he lands a new job and is able to make his rent each month. Good parents!
He is a gamer.
I feel like I am a cheerleader for these parents I think CLEARLY Are doing a better job than I have at this transition.
Maybe not? I don't know
But fear is not always bad? OR IS IT?
I just think of it as putting one into that heightened state and after trauma hell I want to avoid INTENTIONALLY Putting anyone in that state of stress unnecessarily.
I mean if I had any way to reasonably keep every small item my kid wants saved that is theirs after they move out I could do it. BUT as a parent I understand we have to set limits and let our kids learn to deal with the natural stressors of growing into adulthood and HAVING TO LET GO Of things,
It is actually a common AUTISM trait to be really attached to things as extension of self.
Far more than with ADHD to be honest
It is an autistic trait ( although other folks become hoarders too I suppose)
It is a fear based thing
I know my kids were told the mantra that they don't own ANYTHING until age 18! Seriously , their Dad drilled that message into them. He made them downsize stuffed animals.
It was not unreasonable-
OR to look at a room and say
I did no think terribly awful at the time.
Its interesting as I know his parenting style was informed by his Mother being a bonafide hoarder! She had what we called the Pasta room in her house. I mean how much pasta would one need even if Armageddon hit? IT is not a practical thing to be the one thing one must have stockpiles of. Or is it?
But to call her a hoarder is maybe not fair. Her house was orderly and nice looking. Down to the plastic cover on the couch to keep the upholstery clean! HA HA Very Italian old world moved to U.S.
That comedian Salvadore what's his name is hilarious in talking of these NY Italian American quirks.
Well, I missed the text from the young adulting 20 yr old.
And these thoughts hit my brain : 1, Oh darn! ( and I texted him back sorry missed it! ) Legit would have worked.
And sure some people actually ALREADY had (or have) a sleep disorder where they are on a funky circadian rhythm and are awake at night, so they SEEK work in that time which works for their bodies better
BUT I suspect there are many MORE for whom the sleep disorder is BECAUSE of chosen disordered sleeping habits.
I am just so grateful that although I have had a sleep disorder much of my own life, it has been the kind requiring (or causing) EXCESSIVE sleep rather than the opposite!
I mean if you have to take your pick of sleep disorders,
Lack of sleep causes so many other health issues.
So I was pretty grateful to have had a great Friday with good work. I did also miss one other text. The VP that asked me to check my email.
I was grateful that I HAD checked my email and saw "URGENT:" just one hour after sent, and reviewed the contract and gave feedback very quickly.
I can easily look at a doc and in about 10 minutes call out all the things that are wrong with it. I mean that is an ADHD superpower.
Its the speed read and super fast sharp thinking that is honed after years of being in school and missing assignments or forgetting them and then having to think fast on the spot.
Speed reading skill developed very young.
I could give an outstanding extemporaneous book report on a book I had not read within 30 minutes of realizing we had an assignment due THAT DAY.
Those were the assignments I could rock and get an A On.
I mean the adrenaline rush and sense of urgency and the otherwise slow computer is suddenly like the fastest microprocessor in existence.
BUT We need ACTUAL REAL URGENY
You cannot simulate it.
My boyfriend has this one T shirt and he said what makes it funny is its truth.
YEAH he has this brain. OK he has developed skills in life too, He has worked at the same place for 16 yrs. So he knows how to get the regular steady work done...
Trust me on this however
It is the ADHD brain that can think creatively very fast to solve a problem capably IMMEDIATELY
So I get it- when a system is down you need the programmers who are confident and know they can get it done without OVER THINKING
BUT THEN when done
and can be a nervous wreck ( at least in my experience)
It is POST PERFORMANCE
It is so weird.
BUT a shut down of all emotion and all action during emergency.
I suppose that is not necessarily heathly though if do it all the time. OK take out the non neceessarly- IT IS NOT HEalthy if your brain and body are in that state MUCH Of the time.
Which is why I want to just avoid the jobs full time that would do that to me. EVEN IF I WOULD ROCK THEM
I am with my kids on this one: Work that harms long term health or even short term health for that matter is not worth it
BUT That is distinct from work that provides DISCOMFORT
I feel like I see too many of the gereration of my youngest two GIVING UP at ANY CHALLENGE.
Just not having drive, or motivation or seeing any reason it is worth it to expend even the least amount of effort and energy when there is discomfort.
That is a big problem.
I don't know how to teach resiliancy and grit.
Maybe I can read about it?
OTHER THAN use FEAR to motivate how do you help one who is in a rut? OR DO YOU EVEN HELP THEM
Is the best thing to accept that is where they are at and they are HEALING
I mean people go to hospitals to heal
Is it just becasue their family won't accept them being in that state of NEEDING HEALING? NEEDING CARE?
Is it really because family can't care for the person or is it more that they WON"T Care for the person?
My kid (20 yr old) just said to me the other day that they would not consider some medical procedures needed ( I THINK NEEDED to be honest)
I said I would and was surprised by that response.
I will be direct here
honestly the earlier the better once either a) both parents appove if minor or b) hit age of majority
I WISH My kids had the opportunity for their healthcare for their gender dysphoria YOUNGER
LIFE WOULE BE SO MUCH EASIER For them
I wish they all had name changes officially and presented in the gender their selves are comfortable with and did not have to have ambiguity
I don't think THEY is really the preference BUT the seeming comromise
BUT Maybe I shoud just wish that the world would accept the THEYS , the non binary
Maybe this is my own discomfort with non binary as I am fearful of the discrimination and lack of acceptance of others?
but that make me not fully accepting at some level too, right?
My wish for my kids to be in a state which is more accepted.
In the binary.
Seriosly in thinking about this- NO it is not really my wish that my kids or any who identify as other are able to change bodies earlier
NO My wish REALLY IS THAT no one give a fuck and even has any discomfort when there is a body differert.
I am ok with non binary
I am ok with bodies each unique- not a conformed shape, size.
I hate that thought of mine that it would be easier if my kids could conform to the norm of being clearly one gender.
NO.. It is really just fear of them not being accepted
The androgynous look, the non binary presenting is much more common today and I think that is a really good thing.
Heck it is funny to think about it but as a teen when it was time to dress up to go to school for special events, special days when we did not have to wear a uniform
I think I was just being oppositionally defiant ! HA HA To the social norms of the space now that I think about it
AGAIN I am writing stream of conscious but sometimes somehow go back a few lines and add one of CONCURRENT THOUGHTS in this ADHD brain-
It is just so nice when there are newer people in my life who did not know my kids as kids and who only know them by their chosen names and identies NOW.
I am not even the one on the LGBTQ spectrum but the family of mine, those who are PART of my world are enough reason for this to be essential to me.
BUT MY KIDS DO COOK AND EAT
I did it until a couple years ago
BUT IT IS THE ONLY THINGS THEY DO other than gaming
So I don't think it is wrong of me as a parent to have taken that stance that they can learn to care for themselves.
They do their laundry and go to the store to shop and then cook what they want. I just gave up on trying to force a healthy diet and cook for them when they refused to eat what I made and complained about the food choices I was offering.
My kid acts like I am hyper controlling
Its not like I refused to make what they like! I would say "Write down on the shopping list whatever you want and I will buy it"
It just got too frustrating to make a casserole and have them all not want to eat it at all. I still cook once in a while. Hell we did the meal box thing even to try to find out what they liked and expand our repertoire of recipes a couple years ago
Well they are good cooks now.
I do count that as a parenting success. They have learned skills, Smoothies a big thing in this house. An easy way to get healthy food when too tired to cook a full meal.
One last thought comes to mind when think about
I feel like I still write about the same things over and over...
Healing is a process that takes time.