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2023-08-28 - 8:44 a.m.

Last Thu I had left my cell phone in my boyfriend's car.
I had tucked it under the seat when we were out on our date walking at the park. I just did not want to carry it and did not want it visibly there. I also had my bag with work computer and had put that in the back truck. Not sure why I had not the wisdom to put the cell phone IN THE BAG

OK of course I am sure why I did not have the wisdom. I have to stop with the
"I don't know why..."

or
"I don't understand why..." ( Said or thought in relation to my kids most often)

Because truth be told I DO Understand the why of some of the most frustrating behaviors.

ADHD

Poor Executive Functioning skills

Not being super mindful

and REALLY INTENTIONALLY CONCIENTIOUS

When just relaxing and BEING the excutive functioning part of the ADHD brain is just dormant. Its like the computer shut off.

It has to be intentionally activated. There had to be a HUGE boost of power generated for the ADHD Brain executive functioning part to work.

I have said its like we have old computers that run slower.

ADHD brains are also like old phone networks with static on the line, and most often they are third party lines
crossed wires
interference
multiple conversations all at once.

BUT it turns out that it was in fact a BLESSING that I did not have that cell phone.

When I next saw my boyfriend and got the phone on Saturday I read two texts:

1. Co worker young 20 yr old trying to adult but really struggling cause he does things like sends this text " Can you work for me tomorrow. I am in middle of moving and not feeling well"
The kid is overwhelmed.
Doesn't yet have the grit to overcome anxiety to show up to work when he is also challenged with serious executive dysfunction. Sweet Kid Seems also neurodivergent and frankly I was happy to see this kid take all the hours this month he could get and observe him learn the life lesson that once have a job don't quit it til get another. ( He had two part time, was on his own... quit one and then found himself no able to get another right away as he assumed he would be able to!)

OH I was so happy that he was prioritized and given all the shifts (rather than me ) this month. It was the rally for him to work as many hours at this job we are both relief workers for so he could earn enough in rent.

I am hoping he landed another job too and a new apt to remain independent. His parents basically said he is welcome to move back in , and they will help with a security deposit and first month rent for him to move to a new apt provided he lands a new job and is able to make his rent each month. Good parents!
He is freaked out however about thought of having to let go of some things- downsizing-and motivated to find a place so he does not have to get rid of some of his gaming stuff.

He is a gamer.

I feel like I am a cheerleader for these parents I think CLEARLY Are doing a better job than I have at this transition.

Maybe not? I don't know
the kid was clearly motivated by fear.

But fear is not always bad? OR IS IT?

I just think of it as putting one into that heightened state and after trauma hell I want to avoid INTENTIONALLY Putting anyone in that state of stress unnecessarily.

I mean if I had any way to reasonably keep every small item my kid wants saved that is theirs after they move out I could do it. BUT as a parent I understand we have to set limits and let our kids learn to deal with the natural stressors of growing into adulthood and HAVING TO LET GO Of things,
stuff
and teaching that skill of dealing with anxiety and stress and not becoming HOARDERS cause they won't get rid of anything

It is actually a common AUTISM trait to be really attached to things as extension of self.

Far more than with ADHD to be honest

It is an autistic trait ( although other folks become hoarders too I suppose)

It is a fear based thing
that hoarding itself

I know my kids were told the mantra that they don't own ANYTHING until age 18! Seriously , their Dad drilled that message into them. He made them downsize stuffed animals.

It was not unreasonable-
to say
If you get a new one get rid of an old one.

OR to look at a room and say
":You can keep 20" (or maybe 30?) Whatever the number was
and then choose the ones to let go of

I did no think terribly awful at the time.

Its interesting as I know his parenting style was informed by his Mother being a bonafide hoarder! She had what we called the Pasta room in her house. I mean how much pasta would one need even if Armageddon hit? IT is not a practical thing to be the one thing one must have stockpiles of. Or is it?

But to call her a hoarder is maybe not fair. Her house was orderly and nice looking. Down to the plastic cover on the couch to keep the upholstery clean! HA HA Very Italian old world moved to U.S.
(Where and when did plastic covers on couches become an Italian thing?)

That comedian Salvadore what's his name is hilarious in talking of these NY Italian American quirks.

Well, I missed the text from the young adulting 20 yr old.

And these thoughts hit my brain : 1, Oh darn! ( and I texted him back sorry missed it! ) Legit would have worked.
but then 2nd thought after the exchange
2. Maybe he sucked it up and worked and realized his FEAR of NOT being able to do it all, and ANXIETY got squelched cause he DID manage to get his ass up for a 7am shift and work to 2 and then DID get it all done over the weekend?
and
3. LATER , this AM later... woke to realize that I actually had a really nice Friday working on interesting work for my California client.
AND that had I BEEN At work I would have been stressed perhaps and overwhelmed and worried about being able to get it all done ! ( HA HA SO my brain should not have been judgy of this young kid who does have low energy and tired alot. HA HA BUT I think he is like other gamers. I mean if you GAME and don't get NORMAL SLEEP it takes a toll. There is a sleep disorder called shift work sleep disorder which I think in many may be renamed GAMING ADDICTION SLEEP DISORDER. It is self imposed.
NOT Self imposed if one HAS NO OTHER CHOICE but to take a night shift to survive

And sure some people actually ALREADY had (or have) a sleep disorder where they are on a funky circadian rhythm and are awake at night, so they SEEK work in that time which works for their bodies better

BUT I suspect there are many MORE for whom the sleep disorder is BECAUSE of chosen disordered sleeping habits.

I am just so grateful that although I have had a sleep disorder much of my own life, it has been the kind requiring (or causing) EXCESSIVE sleep rather than the opposite!

I mean if you have to take your pick of sleep disorders,
I would really think sleeping too much is far better than those who just CAN't get sleep.

Lack of sleep causes so many other health issues.

So I was pretty grateful to have had a great Friday with good work. I did also miss one other text. The VP that asked me to check my email.

I was grateful that I HAD checked my email and saw "URGENT:" just one hour after sent, and reviewed the contract and gave feedback very quickly.

I can easily look at a doc and in about 10 minutes call out all the things that are wrong with it. I mean that is an ADHD superpower.

Its the speed read and super fast sharp thinking that is honed after years of being in school and missing assignments or forgetting them and then having to think fast on the spot.

Speed reading skill developed very young.

I could give an outstanding extemporaneous book report on a book I had not read within 30 minutes of realizing we had an assignment due THAT DAY.

Seriously

Those were the assignments I could rock and get an A On.

I mean the adrenaline rush and sense of urgency and the otherwise slow computer is suddenly like the fastest microprocessor in existence.

BUT We need ACTUAL REAL URGENY

You cannot simulate it.

My boyfriend has this one T shirt and he said what makes it funny is its truth.

"I do test.
I just do it in production."

YEAH he has this brain. OK he has developed skills in life too, He has worked at the same place for 16 yrs. So he knows how to get the regular steady work done...

Trust me on this however
in an emergency it is the ADHD person you want by your side.

It is the ADHD brain that can think creatively very fast to solve a problem capably IMMEDIATELY

So I get it- when a system is down you need the programmers who are confident and know they can get it done without OVER THINKING
Its like there is a cross between NO EGO and not worrying about self at all, complete lack of concern , cojoined with knowlege of skill but I feel like its more actual skill and triainging and then hyperfocus and not thinking of self AT ALL
and just doing

BUT THEN when done
that is when the ADHD person suddenly kinda wakes up the REST Of the brain

and can be a nervous wreck ( at least in my experience)

It is POST PERFORMANCE
that there is anxiety!

It is so weird.

BUT a shut down of all emotion and all action during emergency.

I suppose that is not necessarily heathly though if do it all the time. OK take out the non neceessarly- IT IS NOT HEalthy if your brain and body are in that state MUCH Of the time.

Which is why I want to just avoid the jobs full time that would do that to me. EVEN IF I WOULD ROCK THEM

I am with my kids on this one: Work that harms long term health or even short term health for that matter is not worth it

BUT That is distinct from work that provides DISCOMFORT
Work that requires pushing through anxiety or fear
work that challenges

I feel like I see too many of the gereration of my youngest two GIVING UP at ANY CHALLENGE.

Just not having drive, or motivation or seeing any reason it is worth it to expend even the least amount of effort and energy when there is discomfort.

That is a big problem.

I don't know how to teach resiliancy and grit.

Maybe I can read about it?

OTHER THAN use FEAR to motivate how do you help one who is in a rut? OR DO YOU EVEN HELP THEM

Is the best thing to accept that is where they are at and they are HEALING

I mean people go to hospitals to heal

BUT WHY?

Is it just becasue their family won't accept them being in that state of NEEDING HEALING? NEEDING CARE?

Is it really because family can't care for the person or is it more that they WON"T Care for the person?

My kid (20 yr old) just said to me the other day that they would not consider some medical procedures needed ( I THINK NEEDED to be honest)
cause they would need follow up care. Would require someone to cook and feed and be on bedrest for weeks and they said "You won't do that"

I said I would and was surprised by that response.

I will be direct here
I am a firm believer in body transitioning for those with gender dysphoria

honestly the earlier the better once either a) both parents appove if minor or b) hit age of majority

I WISH My kids had the opportunity for their healthcare for their gender dysphoria YOUNGER

LIFE WOULE BE SO MUCH EASIER For them

SERIOUSLY

I wish they all had name changes officially and presented in the gender their selves are comfortable with and did not have to have ambiguity
and could meet people without the stigma of the in between.

I don't think THEY is really the preference BUT the seeming comromise

BUT Maybe I shoud just wish that the world would accept the THEYS , the non binary

Maybe this is my own discomfort with non binary as I am fearful of the discrimination and lack of acceptance of others?

but that make me not fully accepting at some level too, right?

My wish for my kids to be in a state which is more accepted.

In the binary.

Seriosly in thinking about this- NO it is not really my wish that my kids or any who identify as other are able to change bodies earlier

NO My wish REALLY IS THAT no one give a fuck and even has any discomfort when there is a body differert.
PERIOD

I am ok with non binary
I am ok with THEY

I am ok with bodies each unique- not a conformed shape, size.
I do not subscribe to beauty being limited to one construct , one mold, in any regard.

I hate that thought of mine that it would be easier if my kids could conform to the norm of being clearly one gender.

NO.. It is really just fear of them not being accepted

The androgynous look, the non binary presenting is much more common today and I think that is a really good thing.

Heck it is funny to think about it but as a teen when it was time to dress up to go to school for special events, special days when we did not have to wear a uniform
I was SO disgusted by the rich girls caring about their guccis
and showing off their pradas
*to me it was about class I suppose, and I was not sporting a gucci-- if I were I would not have been disgusted by it I am sure! HA HA
that I wanted to just make a statement that I thought the emphasis on the material was so ....I don't know, banal, foolish, non important or somehow that I did not buy into that at all at the time
that I pulled out the ugliest old manish, think FL block pastels jacket to wear.

I think I was just being oppositionally defiant ! HA HA To the social norms of the space now that I think about it
I HAD to be different
Like a hippy that felt controlled otherwise.. I mean if I wore the "uniform" of the girls- and found a gucci second hand and "pretended" to be rich it would have felt unauthentic. It was not me.
I only learned to play that game when it mattered and was WORTH IT- but did learn to do it then, when I had KIDS TO SUPPORT!

AGAIN I am writing stream of conscious but sometimes somehow go back a few lines and add one of CONCURRENT THOUGHTS in this ADHD brain-
so the flow is a bit off/odd
jumps from one thing to another at times without transition when stream of conscious writing. ( So the next was written already! The thought of the HS clothing came kinda after... and added in.. OH and I never finished that thought! HA HA
ADHD...
BUT main thought was I was wearing MENS clothing. And then in college I designed and sewed a tux top with a shirt. It was an outfit very masculine AND feminine. It embodied this embracing of both parts of self. SO yeah I totally get non binary! It makes SENSE TO ME.

It is just so nice when there are newer people in my life who did not know my kids as kids and who only know them by their chosen names and identies NOW.
EVEN I feel this need to have my family accepted for me to feel fully accepted by someone.

I am not even the one on the LGBTQ spectrum but the family of mine, those who are PART of my world are enough reason for this to be essential to me.


So the fact I have not cooked and left my 18 and 20 yr old to learn those skills because I pulled back
is framed as me not being willing to care for disabled bodies

BUT MY KIDS DO COOK AND EAT
they do it
cause I am not doing it.

I did it until a couple years ago

BUT IT IS THE ONLY THINGS THEY DO other than gaming

So I don't think it is wrong of me as a parent to have taken that stance that they can learn to care for themselves.

They do their laundry and go to the store to shop and then cook what they want. I just gave up on trying to force a healthy diet and cook for them when they refused to eat what I made and complained about the food choices I was offering.

My kid acts like I am hyper controlling

Its not like I refused to make what they like! I would say "Write down on the shopping list whatever you want and I will buy it"
AND I DID

It just got too frustrating to make a casserole and have them all not want to eat it at all. I still cook once in a while. Hell we did the meal box thing even to try to find out what they liked and expand our repertoire of recipes a couple years ago
and I did it for them to have recipes and learn cooking skills.

Well they are good cooks now.
So there is that

I do count that as a parenting success. They have learned skills, Smoothies a big thing in this house. An easy way to get healthy food when too tired to cook a full meal.
Problem is there is alot of FRUIT and less veggies....
But they will figure it out.

One last thought comes to mind when think about


This is why I was also a winning debator in both high school and Law School. ( OK we did not win in college, my partner and I. We spent more time debating each other. HA HA I got frustrated with my partners refusal to do the grind work then! For a change I was the only one doing the research and got aggravated at him! What I could have done was recruit others and build a team but what I did was fold after we traveled to one tournament and did not do so well. I forget how we placed. I do know we met a Harvard team there and were WAY Out of our element. HA SO WE GAVE UP WHEN IT GOT HARD! HA HA HA...It was our first freaking tournament and in hindsight we could have given it more time/effort. Fuck witnessing public safety Actually HARASS him as he was a black student, and I fucking witnessed it ( I saw it happening and jumped into an old school phone booth one of those wood ones in middle of hall was walking down- they did not see me stand there and watch silently, I was silent and watched him mistreated and froze and then went to the President of the college and reported it. They apologized to him and replaced the Northface jacket that was torn by the campus safety who assumed he was a trespasser when he was walking in the tunnel under the cafeteria. I watched them grab and rough him up- I don't recall punches but the grabbing and roughness was enough of a shock. I am sick thinking about it now- at the time I just felt like being observer and reporter was the best I could do to help. BUT I should have been braver. I SHOULD have written and article about it - oh wait I was not yet News Director at the radio station or on staff of the school paper so it did not occur to me, but it did inform my decision to step into those roles for sure.)
Enough morning pages rambles.

I feel like I still write about the same things over and over...

Healing is a process that takes time.

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