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2023-09-04 - 11:25 a.m.

I just wrote my morning pages
then deleted

it was too personal about OTHER people

BUT as for me
I am sad that my kid is still so ridiculously difficult, toxic and had no clue how they attack people.

I hate seeing the yongest also get caught up in thinking like the older one here.

Its very destructive thinking.

Lacking apprechiation, gratitude, even reality of things-
I mean sees only the negative.

Wants to believe only the negative.

and wants to call things evil and act morally superior YET There is not facts to support the claims made.

JUST opinion pieces

It is so bizarre as it is this zealous almost brainwashed like thinking that you see in cults, or religious zealots
about things that are so fundamentally DUMB To be ARGUING about

and arguments which are picked at, started by this one child of mine
which undermine actual potential or the few REAL relationships

in the HERE AND NOW DAILY LIFE

Like why would the kid just respond by ATTACKING My boyfriend's workplace when he went out of his way to extend an offer to spend time to take the kid to lunch to talk GEEKY TALK

I mean Lynix and programming tips and explore interests and offer to MENTOR basically and give insight

Hell he wanted to be helpful

and since the kid obviously is not receptive to anything I say he offered to do it without me present as it is not my thing at all.

But my kid responded by ATTACKING his workplace as an evil corp.

It was pretty bizarre.

To respond to an offer of trying to connect in such a way.
And it was in fact pretty toxic communicaiton in the "debate" That then happened.

My boyfriend said he perhaps should have not responded in the dicsussion

BUT he was so respecful and did not take it PERSONALLY

THAT IS UNTIL HE DID which I think is when the discussion ended and he walked away, our of the debate mode and then got into the very human emotional reponse state of realizing one was just
PERSONALLY ATTACKED at a deep core level.

I mean the conversation was so ugly. So toxic.

My kid not trusting or listening. My kid telling a professional with 16 years at the same company is is WRONG about some fundamental facts.
And digging in.
Just not listening and being argumentative.

Its one thing to have a debate over theory and engage in discussion, even mental sparring on IDEAS

but anther to not believe other experiences AT ALL.

Beyond reason

That is the ultimate narcisstic behavior of always having to be right, and only believing what one experienced.

It is scary to see that kind of engagement and that kind of thinking and speaking to another discrediting them completely
with such conviction

when someone has no experience in a space.

Just utterly baffling and concerning.

BUT To see the younger one aligned with the views of the older kid that are so UNHEALTHY And off.

That was sad.

It made me sad.


All I wanted to do was try to connect with both kids.

I mean after work we could have gone back to his house. I could have spend this Labor Day off at the river.

BUT we have our weekend away to celebarate my birthday NEXT Weekend and time is short before this child of mine moves. I figured TRY TO spend a bit of time with them before they go off to college.

So I wanted to come home and stay here.
AND We both wanted to see if BOTH kids would just hang WITH my boyfriend and I.

And the kid picked a fight.

SHUT Down possibility of connection.

It was legit just fucked up.

Honestly that is the reason of the great worry about my kid being successful. Sure the kid is smart to a degree. BUT there seems some serious personality disorder.

I mean seriously disorderd thinking which may be a block to be able to function capably in the world.

One can not attack people, institutuons and be compleley negative and act narcissisticly unwilling to hear others' experiences and not trust anything one had not expereinced and NEVER admit to being wrong,

and succeed in this world.

What was interesteing was the comment my kid made saying "He did what you do. He did not Listen to me."

Which I also found baffling. As he was patient and listened by he even said

"I could be wrong I have been wrong before"
BUT my kid was too busy emphatically and dramatically arguing, talking then walking away to have heard that.

And I can't see this kid being able to say the same thing when they should.

That is what scares me. The shutting down connection with others to get a dopamine high of an argument.

IT seems like anger addiciton to me.

PERIOD

The addiction to getting a rush when arguing. It seems like what their Dad would do.

So damn toxic.
That that is how this kid interacts with others.

I mean fuck, I have tried to demonstrate different.
How the fuck does that become someone's norm? EVEN years after stopping exposure to it ? WHEN Offered other environments, other inputs, other experiences
HOW is it that was the dominant one mapped on this kid's brain?

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