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2023-09-07 - 9:13 a.m.

Just to say
When afraid the coffee being made might be weak ( as added a wee bit less grounds than typical)

BUT then pour a cup and realize AS do it that used a coffee cup for water this AM and it was already HALF full of water
* REASON to NOT do that! HA HA

BUT take a sip

And the DAMN
The coffee is GOOD!

I mean like legit good.

Damn those are rich grounds.

I just found out I can cut the amt of grounds I usually use for this coffee in half.

This aint Folgers.

Amazed as bought this on Clearance for something like $4.50 a bag.

Glad I actually stocked up. Folgers fine too. But this is GOOD coffee.

That's all for 5 min. Going to actually do the LONG HAND morning pages. practice guitar.

I heard some really good music and it put me in a mood of wanting to play a bit more rhythm guitar style.
I mean I like when there is a bass line right in the guitar strum as well. I hear the bass it comes easily to add that to the cords. Makes sense. Heck I was married to a bass player.
But I don't want to pick up the bass and play it
Cause I want to be able to strum and sing along. So if I learn more skills I can do both to satisfaction I think

I have to be disiplined.

Fiona Apple Criminal my pick to learn.
Cause it has a funky rhythm.
Great vocals
Fun to sing if I can pull it off.

Love her stuff.

It can be kinda dark but I still really like her.

Thankfully I think her dark lyrics and melancoly very 20s angsty vibe is not a space I will EVER be in. So there will never be an EMOTIONALLY RESONANCE with moments where he song it the PERFECT FIT

NO that is why write OWN music

BUT her stuff will be a hella lota fun to play

and I can emote in PERFORMANCE

I can do that.

Art for Arts sake

Not my therapy

AH but the song I most enjoyed performing that I rocked ( I still recall the bar had a number of patrons up front who then left to come back where to music was to listen)

In the moment I cherish the memory of
Such a moment of LOVE
when my husband PRACTICED with me so I could go sing.
I always wanted to SING with him or PLAY with him
I learned drums and wanted to CREATE with him

BUT the next best thing was that he supported me with love in that moment
*Even if he would never play with me

(OH and one other open mic hella fun. I was not as good then but it was still a hella fun and his BAND mate, the drummer JOHN ANTONELLI is his name and he is still kicking around somewhere out west I think playing drums for DANCERS... Indian music I think? Buddhist?

AH NO I just imagined his life like a hippy in an alternative world commune of peace and love and happiness on a mountaintop spiritaula community somewhere HA HA ...its cause last I saw were Georgous pics of the drumming for belly dancers...
pretty conventional but reality found:

Heck I share things about REAL people who are kinda six degrees connected, enough separation.. (OK this was two degrees.OH WAIT one degree really in time spent... BUT still... drummers make the rounds so not easy to tie to me ! HA HA)

OK so much for long hand. Gonna finish as this did evolve into morning pages. Maybe will still try that for a few more...

BUT As was saying before my ADHD brain went on a different story.

The best memory of my husband loving me really was him practicing with ME so I could go to open mic while he watch the babies.

I suppose my language of love received is service? (Heck I also like gifts) KNOWING someone is caring about ME in the particular and wants ME to be happy doing what I love. What makes my heart sing! AH and literally sing

Heck if I can literally sing it doesn't get better than that. (Even if I am not the best singer it brings me joy!)
SO it brings me joy even more when some think I AM a good singer and were MOVED by it.

I have had moments.

So interesting that song was not typical for my range. It was lower than I am really usually GOOD at... comfortable at. I am naturally a saprano. I HATE singing alto in chior . I sucked at it. Cause of years singing Saprano in church etc. I HEAR the Saprano and the descant and it is EASY but to try to sing Alto was downright painful in every way- to my actual vocal cords- it was HARD and uncomfortable as honestly too low, and to my ear. The chior director at my church ( Who is amazing and just left after years of a 90 minute freaking commute! I MEAN That is LOVE HE WAS SO GOOD and taught in MD at a school and his wife is amazing and they were so beautiful - she just visited once in a while for obvious reasons! It was his JOB , not hers!) Anyway he had me try to discover my range and what was best for my voice but kept me on alto only a couple of weeks and said "Yeah you are definately a saprano" I felt kinda bad I couldn't do it well at all cause we had 5 Sapranos and two altos only one of whom came regularaly. She also is my FAV person in the chior and I WANTED to be able to sing with her! AH...

I don't sing chior now and want to get back into it. The vocal training was so helpful. That chior director was SO GOOD. I learned so much from him in only the one year of singing under his direction. It was SO MUCH HARDER than I expected. I mean it was freaking WORK
And at first just EXHAUSTING

I did not realize how when learning to sing with technique just how HARD IT IS. FOR REAL
And I sang my whole life! (But never under direction of a really good chior director before truth be told. This guy is a trained pianist/director. He had a hand injury so teaches rather than performs and he loves teaching.
OH my I just found his student rendition of SHOSTAKOVICH!! OF course The musician I was taken by when studying music back in high school and took a course "The Symphony" offered by St. John's University. Hell I may have been the ADHD student, hit or miss with grades- but I somehow convinced the high school to let my B- AVG student into the college level philosophy and Music courses!!

I was right I would get As in those classes!


Even as a young person I did not let others limit me based on their perceptions.

I try hard to get my kids to think like this but it must be a personality thing

not a thing that can be taught.

I never saw the limits.

Rules were never hard and fast/

they were just obstacles and if did not made sense then it was time to convince others WHY there should be an exception!

This makes me think of how some rag on AP classes and college board having a stonghold on people. Heck BS If a kid wants to learn they can get scholarships for the entrance exams if they can't afford to take them, if a kid is ambitious they can take those AP classes in the areas they will excel at.
I think it is bullshit to blame the gatekeepers when one has not aspired to try to take advantage of opportunties

It is another way of deflecting self responsibility for opportunities not taken.

To say one doesn't BELIEVE in them

Take the "Moral" high road


I just have to put that out there that when others do things like attack SySTEMS that exist
it is often because they did not engage in the system

It is not because the system necessarily shut them out.

THAT IS NOT TO SAY there is not systemic problems of racism abelism sexism etc



I am sick of armchair coaches, critics etc who are not even involved.

YEAH give me the activists.

But notice the activists often also engaged in the systems that they care about changing.

Sure some LEAVE but they are not completely disengaged and critical without actual experience first.

So off to work now as morning pages done.
Thought of some joy
and motivated self to continue learning this hard song. I did start

The biggest challenge is the ADHD block to be honest the past week.


I have one of those Altoid tins SOMEWHERE with a half dozen picks in it.

Try to be organized!
trouble is I LOST the organizational tool. It is not in THE SPOT where I intended to keep it to find them when needed.

The one random one found days ago is the same one I have been relying on... until I misplace it and can't practice this song til found again!

ADHD life.

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