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2023-09-13 - 1:31 p.m.

Crap, my very talented marketing person did not get back to me cause my reply to her quote to create a print ad and on line marketing
did not get sent.

I have no idea why,
But it was STUCK in my draft folder.


I have been checking for a response from her and was going to call to follow up-

to then figure out that email drafted IMMEDIATELY After her response to my first inquiry if she could create my ad was written by me.

It is just really odd.

BAD NEWS for me.

I am sponsoring an event.
The one marketing thing I picked.
and get an ad..
copy of which is due Sept 15th.

I just hope she has time and can knock it out by then. She does have a full time job and a life. So will see.

If she can't I will do my best to design one.


My Buffalo guy might be helpful. He might also feel spurned?
I hope not.

He did ask me in a call last week

"Were you upset with me, last time we talked- well not the last time" (as we connected and caught up, I don't know... a week or two, or month before? I don't know. I told him of my current new boyfriend some time ago. I think we then talked a month later- like two weeks ago? Maybe three?"

and he called me back to ask if there was anything not said that he felt perhaps I should say?

Asked "Were you mad at me? When you called and asked to confirm travel plans?"

and he also wanted to know- moving forward is it safe to assume cause of my new relationship NOT to make travel plans?

YEAH I said That is a good assumption. In relationship now and yes it is not a good idea to travel with him, my former lover for the past several years.

You do give up lovers when committing....
that is the way it works.


I just said "No. nothing more to say"

"NO I wasn't upset"

I was not now. What is odd about the inquiry is the conversation he was referring to was when we last talked a really long time like we used to took place in May or early June. Days after I met my boyfriend. I was just a bit impatient and wanted him to make a decision and let me know if he really did want me to travel with him this OCT as he TALKED ABOUT

and I guess FRUSTRATED I felt like he did not recall a whole converation had prior to that and I later realized... that oh yeah... he was drinking when he had that prior conversation.

So later when sober when he was like "Well October is so far away... I mean I don't want to make plans to travel now, cause you might meet someone and fall in love by then, or I might"

Well he might have been joking but I HAD just met someone.

I was really put off with the lack of his commitment to follow through on something he offered and talked about but even moreso thst he plum forgot the conversation had. I mean in one conversation he tells me to decide WHERE I want to go with him and he asked if I wanted to go to London with him to think if I could get away. He had mentioned doing something special for my birthday. But it was words spoken apparently when drinking then forgotton. ( Had to be March? April? Whenever he had an upcoming use it or lose it deadline of aitline points from his work credit cards) He is heading to London with buddies for a Bills game. During that conversation he asked if I might be interested in coming and I said it might be nice for me to fly to meet him ON THE TAIL END OF The time with buddies. Honeslty I am not a football fan- I had suggested go do the guy thing, the ballgame and drinking thing with buds-
then I would LOVE to have met him- flown in and he extend his stay and we have a few days

but of course and then the next time he talked to me he acted like he did not recall that conversation
AND I realized.. when thought back
that no he did not recall that conversation at all.

I was just tired and disappointed but no not angry

and yeah did not feel like discussing it with him, what now five months later? Took five montgs to respond to the disappointmentand impsyince in my voice? At the time I did tell him why I was frustrated and wanted to make plans. He said : Where do you want to go pick a city to go to " when on the one call ( hear ice cubes in glass clinking. . . Scotch) But them just week later when chat again abd I say " Ok, Lets block out some time. Pick a city YOU want to go to" but said I would love to see New Orleans or Montreal, but can go anywhere and would have fun he was non commital.

I mean his lack of ability to commit ahead of time was frustrating. It is also the fact of his drinking and having these conversations but forgetting them that got hurtful in conjunction with the last time spent time with him and the picking of fight when I wanted to sleep and he was drinking.

It was nice for what it was but I couldn't , rather , didn't want to see him for some time after that. I think by Spring I was ready to try another couple days away as find better when we traveled than when go to his home for a couple reasons ( 🚬 smoke, his anger 😠 when I needed to go to bed and was not up for accompanying his drinking into early AM hours AFTER we would get home from going out. ) I figured I was OK with the non committal nature of seeing him when travel. The drinking is managed better then as whenever we have traveled we go out and come back to a hotel where there is not a bottle of Scotch.

Fact he drinks heavily and that is not changing and a deal breaker for a deeper relationship. Depth wrong word- But rather for a committed relationship so I worked on my own emotional release of him. If that makes sense. ( In a way, did so over a year ago when decided to date Art in consideration of a more committed relationship) Yes a distinct choice regardless of if how I feel when it is good! .

OK enough of this.

I already worked through processing this.

I met a man who is willing to commit to a deeper level as is open to loving and being loved in a very different manner. Not emotionally distancing. One who is willing to have grown and changed ( sure he had issues in past)

Time will tell if sustainable
But his flaws and vices don't trigger me , nor I him.

Will see if that is the case months from now. I am not naive.

BUT For now am REALLY HAPPY To be in relationship with a man who actually can commit and follow through in ways I have not seen.

In years.


Comparisons not fair to anyone

I loved both men

so leave the past in the past That is was wonderful for what it was
its time and place

and at this juncture this relationship is beautiful with this man HERE
and I am loving the evolution of this.

It bothered me that Buffalo guy didn't think to ask that question months ago. When I called asking him to be decisive.

I guess I am somewhat impatient with men who are not clearly into spending time with me at this point in life. If I am not CHOSEN in the particular AS PRIORITY

then I don't want to waste my time.

I mean
When you love someone you do want to make them a priority.

I think that is natural and I don't think unhealthy. I want a relationship where I am not expected to enter fully into the man's world but he won't enter fully into mine! There has to be a negotiation and willingness for both to enter each others' worlds and compromise in creating a new one together.

As long as take time to also nurture self.

The truth is that my guy now is also not willing to spend time fully in my world cause as of now will not spend time in my home. BUT That is because of a different thing and short term.

It is not that he does not accept my kids. It is because there is one still living here that did not accept him. ONE who is very verbally abusive and another also occasionally aggressive in tone of voice and cutting comments and somewhat abusive to me in negativity being the only communication ( yes patterns of always being negative and criticizing every action turn into abuse when there is not positive interaction) and what he says is
"I am going to be triggered at this point if there and see them treat you abusively."

I get it.

He says the same things my older kids say.

It is a different stance than outright rejecting the IDENTITY of my kids. It is rejecting their abusive behaviors toward me, and rejecting being abused as well.

ONE picked a fight with him over the dumbest thing and it was so disappointing and disrespectful.

OH well... I like the way he has been really warm toward my kids, and reached out as wanted to get to know them AND if fact UNDERSTANDS much about them moreso than anyone else. BUT it is so disappointing that after spending some time here the one was awful to him.

I mean far worse to him than was to anyone else that has come here. Personal attack I felt. Which was so odd as the kid seemed to LIKE HIM until then.

(Maybe this kid is actually suffering BPD? was reading about folks borderline who will push away those they like who start to get close?)

It was so very odd.

MY boyfriend said he just does not want to be triggered. So he asked if I understand he does not want to spend time at my home until that kid is gone from it.

Fully reasonable.
I have three other children who refuse to come here while that other sibling of theirs is here. That is the truth. The older three recognize the abuse of this kid, now adult who can make choices to continue to be abusive or not and who continues to choose to be abusive.

It is abusive when there is a consistent pattern of not greeting me or responding to my entering a room by YELLING AT me and complaining about something.

I enter my home and if these kids are around hear things like

"WHY DID YOU ----!"

it might be, as recently asked " Leave a book on the kitchen counter"

Umm... cause I was reading it.
It is my kitchen
My kitchen counter
and I can leave a book there if I want

OR "Why did you MOVE My _______"

Because I had to clean the house and run the vacume and it was left on the floor

OK I get it that there is the autism gene and it is in more than one of the kids (maybe all of them) BUT there is this inflexibility
and irritation they get
and unreasonable fixation with this thought that it is disrespecful to them if I ever touch anything of theirs

I mean weirdly
they even got upset that in cleaning my living room when unpacking the kids stuff who MOVED to put it into boxes in storage I unpacked a grocery bag ( one of those reusable) Of FOOD ITEMS with expiration dates and moved the items into the family pantry.

I mean the kid is off in an Asian country on a year contract.

These items have expiration dates.... I mean NOV, DEC this year

things like instant oatmeal, teas ... honey

and the kids who live here FREAKED that I touched their siblings stuff.

I was astounded.
I mean thought I made it clear
take what you can, and go through and pack up what can be stored BUT YOU CAN"T STORE OPEN FOOD

you can't SHIP opened food

I mean it did not seem like a cross of a boundary for me to assume open packages that are to expire could be shared ( especially as honestly half them left here I had bought and sent with the kid off to college with last year ! IT was shocking this was a point of contention.)

SO I get it the kid wants their stuff respected.

I then texted the kid pics and said would honor their things and put it in the pantry with their NAME and an note- and COVERED it so it is CLEAR no one would touch the belongings of the sibling who moved.

It was so bizarre.

I went through a whole process then of texting the kid gone and packing up all their honey in a little box in the corner of pantry so no one would use it.

And came home yesterday after the weekend away to find the food items

back in my LIVING ROOM.

omOddly the honey and teas I unpacked from the shopping bag along with the little bit of remaining items also moved from that crate to the pantry ( instant oatmeal, hot cocoa) BACK into this wood crate now SITTING on the living room couch.

It is so very bizarre.

These kids feel like they are violated if I touch their stuff at all. The one in Asia was like "Don't Steal my things" when I sent the inquiry if OK siblings and I use the open food items soon to expire.


SO weird

the attachment to things

I think this is what happens when kids are not respected at all as kids. When kids are not allowed ownership of anything, even their own bodies. I mean when HIT and when they get upset when in "punishment" parents TAKE The kids prized possessions.

I recall the rages of their father.

My older kid mentioned that they recall the rage of their father against this particular child eho now is very attached to even the seemingly typically transiently held or used things others would see as disposable and not be attached to.

The memory is clear for the older sibling that he used to BREAK and throw out this particular kid's things when angry at him.

I don't know if the younger ones even remember it.

So now it is like they NEED to have some safe space to know they can be themselves and have their things protected

They don't know how to comunicate without being abusive when in a state of fear for their own autonomy.

I suppose when physically hit alot
when no bodily autonomy

then it becomes more important to protect self and things become like an extension of self.


I really do

but it gets tiring when my home is mayhem

and the kids are semi hoarders not willing to give away things not used, outgrown

with some idea they can SELL Them

but not any sense of reality about value
OR real means to go broker a sale.
They are not energetically trying to post on ebay OR get to a consignement shop for appraisal. MAYBE the one did.

But two out of three had the idea and never asked for help from me and I don't think realistically can do it on their own.

Resistant to my help but incapable of doing it on own.

That is the status quo.

So I need to try to find OTHER possibilities of support for my kids.

Can't be me

BUT Then they push away others.

Anyone related to me in any way- my friends suggestions from me.

OK enough venting.

I appreciate the love and support of my boyfriend who at least is willing to SEE this whole situation and not be avoidant of acknowledging it in a very loving non judgmental way while also setting his own healthy boundary of what he can accept and be in orbit of.

Work light today. Just a half dozen things to finalize that are all waiting on someone else. Little things. Contracts with just a change needing approval ( from a business person about a business thing- not something I own.)
Or needing a signature
then I get to flip it back

Small things.
I will likely work no more than 20 to 30 min tops. A few emails and clean up a final doc and save it here and there.

NOTHING substantial.

Good thing in a way as I had to bring the dog to the vet this morning. Without a car that meant it was a nice walk there and back. She did well! She is now fully vaccinated against Lyme disease and doggie influenza.

It was honestly $500 for the full course of those vaccinations at my local vet. What can I say!
$350 the first time
$150 this follow up for the 2nd shots.

I made the mistake of not shopping around.
There is a pet store that used to have a vet clinic that was MUCH cheaper. Last I checked for some reason it was not open when I could get there or maybe it stopped coming to the nearby pet store? I FORGET which but at some point it was not an option so I went to the VET. Where I just went again
oh yeah cause Bellatrix got bit
and they give good care.
And had brought her there for her annual a number of years.

BUT I forgot I guess that could have thought of the store VET clinic for vaccinations.

Too late now.
Oh and dogs not allowed on the bus unless a service dog-

so yeah it would have been hard to shop around for better price . AH it was the flea and tick medication too in that initial $350 Forgot that- She was due for that.

I am even MORE appreciative that last year a neighbor GAVE me the pills for that which she had cause her dog passed away! Her dog was bigger than mine so I cut them in half and they lasted a long time-

I had NO CLUE how expensive they were ( forgot I guess! These things are not as important when making good money. Less noticed! I mean I bought that medication in past years. When income down more aware of how expensive it is!)

The dog really does have to be cared for. OH well...

I am just happy got it done. My boyfriend sweetly did offer to help and I graciously accepted his help for the vet visit . (He handed me some of the cash he won at a poker table ! He is a good player . I don't worry about his gambling as trusted he was honest when he says "Never play the house games" and that he only plays Texas holdem" cause there is a better odd of actually winning if you are a skilled poker player.

Heck this man is a computer programmer making a good salary and I don't get a sense thows it away in his poker playing.

He said he played one other poker game in past (I forget which? )

When he first told me of his playing of course I had to run a google.

Found an article in some Poker news site of a tournament he was in.

The text of it was validating to me-

"After dinner, start-of-day chip leader XXXXXX, who played very few hands and never got anything going, busted seventh"

OK Then

A good player -

I like that comment "played very few hands" and trust his saying he is careful when to play...

waits til "Favorable" for him


But also no fool and know an addictive personality when see one.

YUP of course he has one.

But I am seeing that the addiction tendency has been harnessed into good work and creative projects and managed so that he is a healthy balanced person.

Glad he is not a regular drinker or drug user.

Those are the big things for me

I see no red flags there.

Stable job ( 16 yrs!) Supportive and loving toward his family ( even when like most have some colorful characters )

He is in fact very close to his family which is really nice to see.
And exceptionally close friends. Heck one gave a kidney to another and the coolest thing is THREE of his friends got tested to see if kidney compatible. I mean that is a group of good friends.

I really like the friends and family I met thus far.

OK so going to color my hair now. Just to be ready if I do get a call for the next step interview.

I am disappointed a bit cause feel like if the CEO was seriously interested and I was a top candidate I would have gotten a call by now.

It did not yet come.

So not really expecting it to at this point to be honest. BUT will color my roots and get a cut just in case.

Will cut my hair myself this time around. I am decent enough at that. It is in need of it.

The long hippy look might be PRETTY but I don't think it looks professional.

OH did I mention my guy has this incredible LONG HAIR.

It is just beautiful.

Other validating things to not worry too much about the poker: He did share a podcast , some poker podcast, where a guest said "I don't think XXXXXXX will mind if I mention him" and said something like this-
and the guy then NAMED Him and said "Take XXXX for example, the thing about how people look is that you can never make assumptions about them when they sit at the table. XXXX Sits down and you don't think much, expect much... I mean he looks like , I don't know, you think the guy might be homeless. (HA HA I mean True He does not take care of APPEARANCE Although is happy to do so to go out with me in public and not embarrass me. He says it is really part of the GAME of poker- as he wins in part as the LOOK is deceptive! HA all a game, a show of sorts... although the regulars do know him. He enjoys the drama in a way of having this persona of mystery...) but I the podcast the guy went on to say " but then in the course of the game you will have some of the most intelligent and deep conversations ever, taking about everything from ... " ( I Forget what the quy said- something like quantum physics theory? HA HA seriously that is kinda an obsession- as my bf listens to these physicists... they have podcasts... He enjoys podcasts... I found the physics one great to nap to when we were on our weekend trip. I like the subject but it did put me to sleep pretty fast as I did not follow it! The poker podcast, intended also to be boring to me unfortunately work me up immediately!! HA These followed listening to a show I had picked and a number of my musical choices! He is a really good sport about that... and actually likes musicals too which is fun for me! )

OH but back to the poker podcast in which my BF was mentioned, the fellow who brought him up said something about how this guy shows up and you first think he might be a homeless drifter, but then he sits down and you enjoy one of the most intelligent conversations ever and a great game. (LOL)

It was a very complementary and very honest depiction of my guy when he goes to play I believe.
(OK despite the part that he looks like he might be homeless at first HA HA My BF actually said that is his particular poker "Character" and part of the fun of it for him- he intentionally dresses down and wants to look rough... HA HA)

I feel like he looks more like what you might expect an undercover cop to look like to be honest. Those guys in the movie that end up being narcs.


I don't know, If I saw him in a corner of a bar that might be who I thought he was....

Don't they often have long hair in movies?

AH I am just killing time relaxing and rambling here.

OK Off to color my hair and then shower. Then check in to see if the west coast client sent any work today.

It would be a good day for it.

I just don't feel like doing deep cleaning for another couple weeks. What I do is being UNDONE by the two kids here.

One more gone and life might be easier for me , as maybe I can organize my home again!
It is mayhem. Still stuff ALL OVER THE LIVING ROOM of the one remaining kid who is heading to college.

I think I want to watch Lady bird AGAIN

omg I LOVED LOVED LOVED THAT MOVIE I JUST had the realization when looked it up to see if I recalled its name correctly
the Director - is the same as the Barbie movie!!! WHAT??? I LOVE HER WORK
She is brilliant!!! OMG
NOW I want to see it.

Mind Blown

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Tired - 2023-09-20


Back to work SOmehow just felt need to vent as was getting anxious over deadlines. WHEW Feel better- that was my lunch break. - 2023-09-20


Wonder if this kid used references from the one volunteer work thing done in past couple of years. - 2023-09-14


Family stories. I did have a pretty typical "normal" family growing up. - 2023-09-14


Slow week of billable hours for clients means time to do my own business development work. - 2023-09-13