2023-09-14 - 2:21 p.m.
I find it frankly depression, although also enlightening to read about PDA in kids with autism.
So darn familiar.
No matter what I suggest, the idea is met with resistance.
Looking for resources on how to help these kids as they are GROWN with transitions.
As actual kids there is the ability to make things non negotiable, regardless of the reaction, tantrum, discomfort of the kid. The fears actually are overcome when the kid realizes the reality of a situation is not as bad as the perception of what they expected it to be.
I think that is true.
YET there is this parenting guidance of LOW DEMANDS for these unique kids. I am not convinced that helps them to be honest.
I don't think it helps kids to teach them that they never have to be uncomfortable.
I mean if you have autism and PDA you ARE going to be uncomfortable in the world much of the time
OR you can just never leave home.
I mean I don't think that alternative is a good idea !
Right now my one kid won't leave because is being led by desire for COMFORT
I think that can be taken too far.
Kids, and adults HAVE To learn to grow out of their comfort zones.
I get it that it is HARDER for these folks. BUT they can do it with gently supporting them
I don't know.. maybe even with not so gently supporting? Tough love?
I just told the one kid who is off to college that ALL THEIR STUFF HAS TO BE BOXED and out of the living room.
I have to SHOW the basement as the fabulous tenant is moving. I need a new tenant ASAP.
I need this kid to get what they can done before they go. And they have to understand if they don't move their stuff that when gone I will box it up and put it in storage.
I said the ATTIC intially.
I mean first of all- its worth money to me and its worth having someone to share the home with for the other kid to learn how to be a good housemate. If the kid is not going to leave for college then she has to learn those life skills here. She won't learn them if she doensn't have another housemate than me. I want a housemate who SHARES THE LIVING ROOM AND KITCHEN frankly AND BATHROOM So that ALL THREE can be stripped clean, removed of clutter and become a shared space. I want this kid to learn those life skills of COURTOUSY and NEGOTIATION and RESPECT FOR OTHERS
which are learned when living in shared spaced in relationship with others.
Since these kids have not been exhibiting them to me as the only other housemate
It is what I see as a necessary growth step.
I know my kid wants to hide in her room and not have to grow but I am not having that anymore. I can't accept that.
Heck when the kids were little when I couldn't afford to bring the out into the world to TRAVEL and learn about other people and how others live and expand their understanding beyond our small part of the world ( the rich suburban bubble)-
One year we actually used the bunk beds of the rooms here for international students to say in as the kids were going back and forth. We cleaned the bedrooms and the kids were happy to host!
It was then fun to them. They prepared and had no problem engaging and doing that. .
Getting sick certainly shifted energy and enthusiasm and perspective.
BUT I think we can find someone who needs a room that would be a good roomate and also bring some more life into this house. Someone that might be GOOD for my kid. I think she should not be so afraid of having to share her bathroom, of having to keep it clean.
I think it would make it a healthier home for us frankly than just her in her depressive state.
I don't believe she is NOT depressed.
YES that is my intervention plan.
Can't get the kid to go out.
Bring some of the world in and look for a good situation that will work.
I listed the basement with my real estate agent. I am briainstorming here. I would like to clean the bedroom and get the stuff all in storage in the attic.
When I told the kid going off to college they resisted of course. They said they want to leave their stuff in storage for a year then get it. (HOW?)
I wonder if the kid home has any high school friends that they like that WANT to move out of their parents home?
I had suggested that maybe my friends daughter might be interested in a room for rent short term- cause I know she lost a job and needs to move. Not sure where she can afford and looking for cheaper than she was paying. She is a fabulous gal, but I also know she drinks so I don't think a good fit for her to be honest. She is a wonderful person but a bartender aged 30 and I just think based on AGE and lifestyle that is not a good fit.
I have a dry home. For the most part. Occassionally buy a bottle of wine and have a glass then cook with the remainder over the next couple of months.
I did buy a bottle of red ( Washington State wine actually - to celebrate the 21 yr olds Birthday, and celebrating going off to there for college!)
I am just tired.
I never considered a serious relationship as honestly assessed it was/we were *too much* for any sane person.
And I really hope to have a normal, I mean sure a bit of drama BUT NOT LIKE THIS, more normal family spats
It was SO NICE to visit with my Aunt and Uncle and Cousin on Long Island where I grew up and see what I think a normal family looks like.
I mean SURE my Grandmother actually LEFT my Grandfather because, as my Uncle said "He did not treat her very well."
My Uncle told of how the older siblings took care of him.
My Uncle played baseball and football and went on to college with a football scholarship. He graduated to become a teacher and a coach of both basketball and football. FOR YEARS He first was the boys basketball coach but switched to girls and his girls grew up to play on his team. What a great man he is. My Aunt is amazing.
It was so great for him to speak of all his siblings and what they were like growing up.
There was an 11 year age difference between him and my Dad. I never knew it was that much. My dad was off to college and the army when the younger three moved out to that area of LI from Astoria Queens.
My uncle said his mother would be on the train at 7AM, come home and then after feeding everyone dinner she would be up in her room typing or using the steongraphy machine- "Or whatever she did" , and kept working pick up work that she got from the LI offices along with her sister.
It was that Great Aunt who referred my mother for the paralegal role she had held for years! My mom went to school and got her paralegal degree, likely inspired by this Aunt of hers (by marriage) and when this Aunt retired it was my mom who then took that job for the small law office where she then worked it for the next , what, 10 to 15 years?
I recall my mom studying all the time when we were in high school.
Summers the Dads, my Dad and Uncle took the kids camping. Until my uncle told the story I had not realized the MOMS stayed home initially! My mom eventually came along too. But first it was just the Dads. My Uncle said first they took just the oldest boys and that went well ( My oldest two brothers and cousin a year oldre than my oldest bro). Then the next year they brought a few more kids- -as we got older, we got to go. Then the next year more- and eventually even brought my best friend who lived next door and the other friend of mine and her brother ( my bros friend) too. He said they got up to taking 14 kids between all three of the families and added on friends.
Those were the days. When camping was the thing we looked forward to. When we WANTED To be down by the river, on a canoe and swimming in the big pool was a delight.
Singing in folk group and then the summer church theater program where we put on shows.
I would post pics if could figure out how. Think no longer a paid subscriber here and no way to become one to turn that on? (The button not working for me last I tried!)
I feel like there is so much displaced anger at me.
So it was good to see that maybe I can have a normal life again. A family that learns to just BE together.
It was so nice to see my cousin who came over a couple time. I mean mothers and duaughters who enjoy spending time together. (YEAH I do have that with the other kids. Its just that they live further away. And you know the one who lives downstate does so cause #1 She likes it there but also #2 she did not want to be around the negativity and abuse of the two here. )
I still feel like I HAVE To be the support and offer the forgiveness of these hurting kids. I just want to be able to help the youngest find herself ( she has to do that) and be happy.
I feel like she doesn't know who she is or wants to be. Its fine to just BE BUT she had to also find her MEANING in life. The reason for her to get out of bed with enthusiasm. She doesn't yet have that and is just kinda waiting for it. It doesn't just emerge. Maybe it will? I don't know.
In The Power of Now I am reminded that it is OK for some to just BE and that for some in time perhaps that is exactly what happens. They just WAIT.
Then see a path.
I don't know.
BUT I have been believing that healing needed space and time and rest.
I just am concerned that the rest offered turned to enabling.
The line between loving support and offering what is needed for healing and enabling?
I JUST DON'T HAVE A CLUE
BUT one off into the world. It took longer than some, and heck shorter than some too I suppose.
I also need for them to box their stuff and focus then on the one left behind.
House Cleaning - 2023-09-25
Shoot have chores and stuff I want to be done tomorrow. Working the next three days so can't go out tonight. - 2023-09-22
Tired - 2023-09-20
Back to work SOmehow just felt need to vent as was getting anxious over deadlines. WHEW Feel better- that was my lunch break. - 2023-09-20
Wonder if this kid used references from the one volunteer work thing done in past couple of years. - 2023-09-14