2023-09-14 - 2:21 p.m.

I find it frankly depression, although also enlightening to read about PDA in kids with autism.

SIGH

So darn familiar.

No matter what I suggest, the idea is met with resistance.

Looking for resources on how to help these kids as they are GROWN with transitions.

As actual kids there is the ability to make things non negotiable, regardless of the reaction, tantrum, discomfort of the kid. The fears actually are overcome when the kid realizes the reality of a situation is not as bad as the perception of what they expected it to be.

I think that is true.

YET there is this parenting guidance of LOW DEMANDS for these unique kids. I am not convinced that helps them to be honest.

Seriously
EVEN IF THE kids grow to hate their parents, I think perhaps they grow with skills to navigate the world BETTER and BE HAPPIER when they have ability to live with discomfort.

I don't think it helps kids to teach them that they never have to be uncomfortable.

I mean if you have autism and PDA you ARE going to be uncomfortable in the world much of the time

OR you can just never leave home.

I mean I don't think that alternative is a good idea !

Right now my one kid won't leave because is being led by desire for COMFORT

I think that can be taken too far.

Kids, and adults HAVE To learn to grow out of their comfort zones.

I get it that it is HARDER for these folks. BUT they can do it with gently supporting them

I don't know.. maybe even with not so gently supporting? Tough love?

I just told the one kid who is off to college that ALL THEIR STUFF HAS TO BE BOXED and out of the living room.

I have to SHOW the basement as the fabulous tenant is moving. I need a new tenant ASAP.

I need this kid to get what they can done before they go. And they have to understand if they don't move their stuff that when gone I will box it up and put it in storage.

I said the ATTIC intially.
But the other kid is resisting the idea of possibly renting that bedroom out too. I think it a FABULOUS IDEA

I mean first of all- its worth money to me and its worth having someone to share the home with for the other kid to learn how to be a good housemate. If the kid is not going to leave for college then she has to learn those life skills here. She won't learn them if she doensn't have another housemate than me. I want a housemate who SHARES THE LIVING ROOM AND KITCHEN frankly AND BATHROOM So that ALL THREE can be stripped clean, removed of clutter and become a shared space. I want this kid to learn those life skills of COURTOUSY and NEGOTIATION and RESPECT FOR OTHERS

which are learned when living in shared spaced in relationship with others.

Since these kids have not been exhibiting them to me as the only other housemate
I REALLY need to give better opportunity to grow to the last one living here once the other goes off to college.

It is what I see as a necessary growth step.

I know my kid wants to hide in her room and not have to grow but I am not having that anymore. I can't accept that.

Heck when the kids were little when I couldn't afford to bring the out into the world to TRAVEL and learn about other people and how others live and expand their understanding beyond our small part of the world ( the rich suburban bubble)-
I brought international students in as a host family.
The kids LOVE THAT
They ENJOYED learning about the cultures of those kids that stayed with us.

One year we actually used the bunk beds of the rooms here for international students to say in as the kids were going back and forth. We cleaned the bedrooms and the kids were happy to host!

It was then fun to them. They prepared and had no problem engaging and doing that. .

Getting sick certainly shifted energy and enthusiasm and perspective.

BUT I think we can find someone who needs a room that would be a good roomate and also bring some more life into this house. Someone that might be GOOD for my kid. I think she should not be so afraid of having to share her bathroom, of having to keep it clean.

I think it would make it a healthier home for us frankly than just her in her depressive state.

I don't believe she is NOT depressed.
When one is in bed all the time, acting like an invalid, not even getting out of bed but for to eat and occassionally shower- that looks very much like serious depression to me.

YES that is my intervention plan.

Can't get the kid to go out.

Bring some of the world in and look for a good situation that will work.

I listed the basement with my real estate agent. I am briainstorming here. I would like to clean the bedroom and get the stuff all in storage in the attic.

When I told the kid going off to college they resisted of course. They said they want to leave their stuff in storage for a year then get it. (HOW?)

I wonder if the kid home has any high school friends that they like that WANT to move out of their parents home?

I had suggested that maybe my friends daughter might be interested in a room for rent short term- cause I know she lost a job and needs to move. Not sure where she can afford and looking for cheaper than she was paying. She is a fabulous gal, but I also know she drinks so I don't think a good fit for her to be honest. She is a wonderful person but a bartender aged 30 and I just think based on AGE and lifestyle that is not a good fit.

I have a dry home. For the most part. Occassionally buy a bottle of wine and have a glass then cook with the remainder over the next couple of months.

I did buy a bottle of red ( Washington State wine actually - to celebrate the 21 yr olds Birthday, and celebrating going off to there for college!)
The kid had one glass ( come to think of it the night was really UGLY to my boyfriend. I wonder if the alcohol affected adversely? Made the contrarian, argumentative kid Worse possibly?? The kid was not logical for sure... it did not occur to me that maybe was tipsy? I did see the red wine dregs in the glass and knew one glass was drunk. Only one. But for a kid that is a non drinker that could be enough for tipsy and ZERO decorum cause ZERO filter)
Hard to tell as the kid is UNPLEASANT on a good day.
So the UGLY may not have been due to anything other than being ugly for whatever unknown personality problem.

I am just tired.
I am SO GRATEFUL for the relationship I have.
I just hope he sticks around and *THIS* Family is not *too much* for him.

I never considered a serious relationship as honestly assessed it was/we were *too much* for any sane person.

And I really hope to have a normal, I mean sure a bit of drama BUT NOT LIKE THIS, more normal family spats
normal mostly peaceful existance.

It was SO NICE to visit with my Aunt and Uncle and Cousin on Long Island where I grew up and see what I think a normal family looks like.

I mean SURE my Grandmother actually LEFT my Grandfather because, as my Uncle said "He did not treat her very well."
But there was not ongoing drama.
I mean they set boundaries with the abusive alcoholic father in that family. The mom left and with help of her sister and her hard work ethic got a house blocks from their Aunt and my granmother hopped the train to Manhattan where she landed an Executive Secretary role at a good salary and worked her butt off.

My Uncle told of how the older siblings took care of him.
He told us wonderful stories of growing up.
Of how his Dad did come see him and took him to the ballgames.
Of how his Dad also was friends with, and actually played golf with Babe Ruth.

Seriously
Of how his older brother had a friend who taught him to shoot hoops. I forget the name but the guy went on to be a famous basketball player. (Sorry sports fans, I don't know basketball history much and it was not Magic Johnson LOL Only one I can recall name of.) My boyfriend will surely recall that story.

My Uncle played baseball and football and went on to college with a football scholarship. He graduated to become a teacher and a coach of both basketball and football. FOR YEARS He first was the boys basketball coach but switched to girls and his girls grew up to play on his team. What a great man he is. My Aunt is amazing.
My family was amazing to grow up in. I was very blessed!
I mean we had weekends going over their house and I remembered the pool. We always swam and there were always tons of kids and my Uncle barbaqueing something.
Funny when we arrived no pool, and I learned it was just a small round one , set up above ground. YES I do recall but as a kid it seemed so much bigger. I forgot that detail and when leaving wanted to be sure to bring my swimsuit just in case we could swim. ( I forgot that the nice inground large pool was the other Aunt and Uncles further out on the Island)

It was so great for him to speak of all his siblings and what they were like growing up.

There was an 11 year age difference between him and my Dad. I never knew it was that much. My dad was off to college and the army when the younger three moved out to that area of LI from Astoria Queens.
I recall the Aunt who helped them out intially- as she was this fun, amazingly warm and also stong personality and extroverted and I recall FUN Great Aunt.

My uncle said his mother would be on the train at 7AM, come home and then after feeding everyone dinner she would be up in her room typing or using the steongraphy machine- "Or whatever she did" , and kept working pick up work that she got from the LI offices along with her sister.

It was that Great Aunt who referred my mother for the paralegal role she had held for years! My mom went to school and got her paralegal degree, likely inspired by this Aunt of hers (by marriage) and when this Aunt retired it was my mom who then took that job for the small law office where she then worked it for the next , what, 10 to 15 years?

I recall my mom studying all the time when we were in high school.

Summers the Dads, my Dad and Uncle took the kids camping. Until my uncle told the story I had not realized the MOMS stayed home initially! My mom eventually came along too. But first it was just the Dads. My Uncle said first they took just the oldest boys and that went well ( My oldest two brothers and cousin a year oldre than my oldest bro). Then the next year they brought a few more kids- -as we got older, we got to go. Then the next year more- and eventually even brought my best friend who lived next door and the other friend of mine and her brother ( my bros friend) too. He said they got up to taking 14 kids between all three of the families and added on friends.

Those were the days. When camping was the thing we looked forward to. When we WANTED To be down by the river, on a canoe and swimming in the big pool was a delight.
We did bring a radio. I do remember listening to Mets games and a Farm Aid concert one year. My uncle had the Beatles playing in the cassette player in his town and country station wagon with the wood side panels.
It was a charmed life, with memories of the football games at his school on occassion, and parades and church picnics.

Singing in folk group and then the summer church theater program where we put on shows.
I was surpirised as we drove around my neighborhood how the short walk I recalled was longer than I remembered. We stopped at the bagel store to get bagels, and leaned the word "Flagel" for the flat bagel which honestly just looks like a normal SOUTHERN BAGEL HA HA I mean that is what they are like here! I enjoyed the NY 4in bagel - of course had to get the SALT bagel as that was my fav as a kid. I never got another kind on pay day from collecting paper route money.

I would post pics if could figure out how. Think no longer a paid subscriber here and no way to become one to turn that on? (The button not working for me last I tried!)
It was just such a really wonderful visit.
I was always very close to my aunt and it was so fantastic to see her and my uncle again.
She has always been so supportive. I remembered at some point she also sent money to help out when I had to raise some to help hire the attorney a couple years ago to help this kid now off to college in finishing high school. I think that reminded me to try to be a bit more understanding of the anger of this kid. I mean YEAH the kid DID go through alot. BUT the kid was so much HAPPIER when engaging in the world and I hope that going off to college my kid finds their joy again.
Not sue why they can't be happy here with me. Why the kids can't just be content and happy and not triggered at normal LIFE.
I mean I really don't instigate them. I leave them alone.

I feel like there is so much displaced anger at me.
IT just gets tiring.

So it was good to see that maybe I can have a normal life again. A family that learns to just BE together.

It was so nice to see my cousin who came over a couple time. I mean mothers and duaughters who enjoy spending time together. (YEAH I do have that with the other kids. Its just that they live further away. And you know the one who lives downstate does so cause #1 She likes it there but also #2 she did not want to be around the negativity and abuse of the two here. )

I still feel like I HAVE To be the support and offer the forgiveness of these hurting kids. I just want to be able to help the youngest find herself ( she has to do that) and be happy.

I feel like she doesn't know who she is or wants to be. Its fine to just BE BUT she had to also find her MEANING in life. The reason for her to get out of bed with enthusiasm. She doesn't yet have that and is just kinda waiting for it. It doesn't just emerge. Maybe it will? I don't know.

In The Power of Now I am reminded that it is OK for some to just BE and that for some in time perhaps that is exactly what happens. They just WAIT.

Then see a path.

I don't know.

BUT I have been believing that healing needed space and time and rest.

I just am concerned that the rest offered turned to enabling.
BUT WHERE IS THE LINE?

The line between loving support and offering what is needed for healing and enabling?

I JUST DON'T HAVE A CLUE

BUT one off into the world. It took longer than some, and heck shorter than some too I suppose.
So that is something to be celebrated! I am excited for this kid moving!

I also need for them to box their stuff and focus then on the one left behind.

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