2023-10-07 - 9:20 a.m.
I am fighting a cold. Fortunately it is not that bad and fortunately co-workers picked up my shifts.
Throat very sore now and the chest congestion seems lessened.It was really deep however. A deep cough pulling up lots of phlegm.
I feel like this was more than my body having an allergic reaction to smoke-
HOWEVER the smoke of a campfire surely does send my system into chaos.
My boyfriend asked if I wanted to take a vacation in November; around Thanksgiving. I had said no as did not want to leave my kid alone-
So vacation for us was instead my fulfillment of the idea of a FAMILY VACATION for my fam-
camping on the beach.
Well, two out of three said "NO" More like a "Hell no! I have camping and refuse to go".
So that was out.
I rescheduled the trip from AUG to OCT, knowing the last remaining kid home WOULD GO.
It was sweet.
I wanted to go beach camping as we did this ONCE - years ago, and it was one night only and I recalled how much the kids ( then little) actually ENJOYED IT.
Its funny how none of them even remember it.
But I remembered how much fun they had. It was on night, on a trip driving from FL to home- We stopped at Huntington State Park in SC.
I felt like we should have had more time there.
I think my boyfriend and I had what felt like our first fight.
It was a polite fight.
He became more aware I guess of what it means when one says they are a workaholic and try really hard not to be.
And I also really struggled with NOT WORKING.
And I just could not WORK - move quickly enought
AND I DO GOOD at that
so I don't push through to meet deadlines.
I mean I refuse.
BUT the thing is
I still got sick
NOT from over work
Maybe from drinking the water at the campsite? Maybe just from exposure at Renfaire
OH YEAH That was awesome! TO GO To the Rennassance Festival and meet my boyfriends besties- like a few of them. His friends for 40 years. Some of his best friends.
BUT For the one fight moment.
I don't think I talk about work alot.
Maybe I do
Maybe it is always on my mind.
Especially as when I forced myself to NOT just push through- so kept the boundary of GOING TO SLEEP
and trying to NOT WORRY about what not done
I feel like
I AM NOT A WORKAHOLIC ANYMORE
I am in recovery
YES I suppose that is it.
I am in recovery always at risk of being pulled back in- it is an ailment so much like any other addiciton.
So I am grateful for when , while on our beach camping trip my boyfriend BOTH SUPPORTED my need to get to work and get things done ( I mean I have to work... had to this past week for sure a bit- I don't want to lost this job...
All I will say here about work is that I do have only a couple clients; am VERY PROUD of the areas of work they are in- public and private
BUT that ONE is a gov client. Just one.
Well in SOME SPACES somehow that means there are contracts that begin or end around this time. Contracts following the same timeframes as budgets...
Well I was not imagining that AT ALL when I planned a BEACH VACATION Trip for the first week of October
NOT imagined that would bring work to my plate that HAS TO BE DONE.
And did not imagine that any of this work would not come to me
I mean with incomplete information
missing key components
PRICING has to be clear
I MEAN it perhaps should have occured to me to say " PRICING"
and "A Scope of work from a Project Manager"
(Again I made an assumption that was obvious)
But the thing is I look like the hold up. And I was in a way - as I did not even have ability to call a meeting to hash out the issue
Because I was at the beach.
SO the week before I happened to be FILLING IN as the Receptionist at the one Retirement Community
It really occurred to me that if I were a full time employee that client would have been MUCH BETTER SERVED By me.
BUT I did what I could, with the paramaters set-
That is the way it works!
But it was hard to get this job done part time. It took a few weeks. (That is the way it works. If part time 20 hrs a week, Well work that you would like done in one week that was REASONABLE for a full time person would then be expected to take two weeks for your part timer! Right? Math
Don't expect the same level of service from part time labor.
It is not physically possible,
SO.... I was a bit stressed
THEN it was the NEXT DAY
when I was going to go do the same. Going to work in town a bit. and the boyfriend suggested we just leave. I think that was what he said. Just go home
I think that was it. The suggestion.
No maybe that was not it-
Oh yeah I recall. The next day he asked me to not talk about work. He said I talk about it alot. The funny thing is I don't take about it at all in my view. I mean really.
I talk ZERO about substance. Like I don;t discuss WHAT or WHO I work for; I don't discuss who clients are, or the services or products inolved are -
and beacuase I have NDAs and can't talk about details I think I find it frustrating.
I mean most people CAN Talk about their jobs. They can say "I work at X" and they can talk about "My BOSS FRED said" Etc...
they can talk in particularities. I did share one thing.ONE DETAIL
My one boss wrote a book
She had read it!
My best friend has no interest or care in the work I do so I knew that was OK to do.
(and the book was not about the work at all actually. Moreso about the boss' life and a great book from a great lady. )
More like a positive enouraging uplifting ...I don't know, self help? Inspirational?
YEAH I guess that.
Anyway most people CAN Talk and DO talk once in a while about work. Most people make FRIENDS from work too.
And he said "Proverbs..."
I had to look it up just now He is not a religious man. But he grew up in a religious family.
ESV Every prudent man acts with knowledge, but a fool flaunts his folly. NIV All who are prudent act with knowledge, but fools expose their folly.
and I was like "WHat the hell does THAT MEAN?"
I felt he was very condescening and judging me
I was just fucking trying to recall what hours worked so I could ledger them in the upwork app ( this is my good upwork client) so I get PAID for the hours I did have to work while on vacation.
I did ask I think "What does that mean?"
and said he asked me ( he did - the day before ) to NOT TALK ABOUT WORK
I was like "WHAT? I am not talking about work"
He was mad.
I think maybe he was mad I HAD To work
BUT this day he was mad at me for I guess
and I guess as he said
I was hurt
Cause I did not even ACTUALLY TALK ABOUT WORK
I HAD NOT and I find it exceptionally difficult to NOT TALK ABOUT IT
and he was so angry
BUT the thing is when he tells me what upsets him
He framed the issue as it was making the relationship with MY KID distant.
I think the thing that made the relationship with my kid most distant was the fact he and I had an argument
That I believe was more upsetting to my kid and made her shut down
It was obvious to me that she heard the argument of him asking me to not talk about work and it made her uncomfortable.
It likely seemed controlling to her.
But then again I might be projecting my feelings onto her- assuming
which is what I think he did.
He was just feeling put off. He was feeling like I was not present.
We are spending time, and a few days go by without sex and now you are going to see my flaws??
WOW the power of good sex and endorphins
if suddenly he sees my flaws and did not before we are in trouble
I say that tounge in cheek of course...
It was just one sorta argument
That day ( I think? I lose track of days so quickly) BAsically we had a campsite for three nights... but after the 2nd night, YEAH I think that same day
IT was a much better plan actually. For all of us. I did not want HIM stressed at leaving his work too long either! There were folks waiting on him too (OK Maybe not a few people waiting to start jobs... and company losing revenue for every day those billable labour hours are not on project; and a CO and COR somewhere getting nervous if the newly awarded contract was a mistake or not... if the project was going to start or not..... OH BUT I DIGRESS.....
FUCK I will be lucky if I HAVE this job.)
So I put my time with my kid first.
And my boyfriend.
And I hope all is OK with the job.
(It really was cause there was not PRICING And freaking SCOPE OF WORK given to me!! Heck the contract I did get done first turns out has a start date of NOVEMBER YEAH but that Project Manager actually GAVE ME all the details needed! So I could get that one done. The other was SILENT when I sent a draft with all the questions. Then NOT silent but did not ANSWER the actual questions but asked odd ones not helpful. IT was frustrating. Thank God for the organized call by the Program Director, Give him much credit. I should have organized a call but it was not possible -
OK so I am talking about, but NOT talking about work again, right?
I know I do it.
My boyfriend said I talk about work alot and it is not positive but complaining.
It is dumping I guess to TRY NOT to worry,
Therapy would be good.
The damn therapist sent an email back but not time. I have to follow up.
OH but all this to say. After he got mad at me for talking about work the day after he asked if I would not
I recall the drive- the comment of proverbs ( which seemed so very odd . I still am not sure what he meant by that. IF he meant it was foolish to be working on vacation? Foolish to be a workaholic? Foolish to act proud of work? I am perplexed a bit.)
In any case-- it was odd
BUT In the end, after the disappointment of feeling hurt and judged, I decided that fuck it
I WAS HAPPY and content and I think for a little while FORGOT about the work.
I downloaded just one Prime contract that I needed to craft and SOW from-
cause the PM did not ever do so.
That was a piece I could do off line.
So after all the breakfast was ready , and I sat and did try to work a bit-
BUT it was ALREADY WAY LATE IN THE DAY
and the sun was hot
She wanted to go to the beach for a few hours.
That was in fact what we came there for. Understand that we were beach camping- but the site was not RIGHT on the beach ( there are some right on the beach)-
AT night you could still hear the waves- very loudly.
I decided "Fuck it I am not working more today." I had started some of the SOW drafting-
Anyway I realized that honestly, work is not the most important thing in life. There will always be work. It is ALWAYS THERE
My kid being on the beach with me is something to be fully present for. My boyfriend, this man who loves me who just went through all the effort for planning to make this special deserves my full attention without my head swirling with ....work stuff...
YEah this is the stuff going through my head...
it is still there....
BUT I was sick after camping
I was supposed to be working at the retirement community. At least since I got sick I got someone to cover that shift so instead COULD actually focus on work for my client all day. I needed the time to catch up truth be told.
BUT I am obsessing about work , right? ( I just DELETED a whole longer rant on this topic- too specific
Or talk about work
I have to really try.
It's just hard for me.
Today, as sick and needing to rest I will only watch Netflix
Gilmore Girls is what I am enjoying.
Oh in fact I really came to write about that. To say that this made me laugh-
THE HUGE Ben and Jerry 's Tub
which... I am sure was a PROP made for the show. Did they EVER actually make a Ben and Jerrys Bucket of Ice Cream THAT BIG??
Heck after even one moment of feeling yucky after an argument with my boyfriend I really wanted to wallow a little...
I just felt so SAD that I had trouble not working, not thinking about work, that he was upset when I spoke SO LITTLE about it... that he got upset when I mentioned it at all...
when the reality of what was going on in my head was SO MUCH MORE DETAILED ! HA HA
I mean it was ironic to me.
BUT after coming her to write about how much enjoying that show-- its funny , and relatable..
sure I get that
I know it is something some of us do...
and the three month thing
Oh it was our three month anniversary of dating WHILE we were camping!! YES
My sweet, sweet boyfriend said that he couldn't very well sneak to get me flowers -- as we were in the middle of nowhere and it was kinda an impossibility
He is the sweetest for real
And after he got upset
I kinda realized he was RIGHT
he does support that I HAVE to work
BUT I should be able to actually take a vacation day or two. Without logging in. Heck he did.
I decided that last day of camping yeah- fuck it, not working today . We already decided we would head out that night instead of staying one more night and having to pack up and get on the road by 6am for him to work the next day-- we realize realistically that was not practical. and not worth it-
It will always be there tomorrow, seriously.
Someone will always need this kind of help.
BUT my kid and dog and boyfriend and I will not always have a chance to swim in the ocean on a perfect day.
I mean the weather was perfect.
So I decided to forget about work and listen to his guidance and humble myself to not take it hard that he called me narcissistic in my talk of work... ( which was really not talk of work at all but more anxious talk of wanting to get paid for the time taken FROM time with my family)
and just get the work of packing up done for the most part
WHICH WE DID
We swam (boyfriend and I )and I sat and played guitar while my guy who has not been in the full sun much in the last 30 years ( for real) sat and dozed, while my youngest daugher sat along with the dog enjoying the ocean.
My kid did not swim, but she was enjoying just sitting lounging relaxing by the ocean.
The waves were lovely-
I do relax and let go when swimming in the ocean. For that afternoon I really did forget about work.
We came back from the beach and packed up the tents and then headed out.
I forget what time we were home but I think 10pm?
I actually had a sore throat but thought it was due to exposure to bleach-
I just thought "That smells awful" and did not think further...
Cause I felt the burning, searing feeling of scorched throat LATER.
I swear I got a chemical burn! MAYBE that was not 100% bleach? Maybe someone dumbly mixed chemicals?
OR maybe since the prior burning of my esophegous I damaged myself so I am super sensitive.
IN any case, when I FIRST started coughting up thick yellow flegm I though it was risisuld reaction to that damage.
I took an ibuprohoin when camping that night cause my throat/esphogus hurt.
But after getting back home it turned into a full blown illness cold or more than a cold? running nose, continued coughing up thick yellow mucus. Just a bummer
After swimming in the ocean on the perfect 85degree day
whatever it was/is-
I will call my co worker tomorrow to let her know how feeling then. If not up for it she will work tomorrow afternoon as well.