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2023-10-07 - 9:20 a.m.

I am fighting a cold. Fortunately it is not that bad and fortunately co-workers picked up my shifts.
I was supposed to participate in church tommorow leading some prayers as litergist, but know best to see if someone else can fill in. I don't want to get anyone else sick.

Throat very sore now and the chest congestion seems lessened.It was really deep however. A deep cough pulling up lots of phlegm.

I feel like this was more than my body having an allergic reaction to smoke-

HOWEVER the smoke of a campfire surely does send my system into chaos.

My boyfriend asked if I wanted to take a vacation in November; around Thanksgiving. I had said no as did not want to leave my kid alone-
the one remaining kid home.

So vacation for us was instead my fulfillment of the idea of a FAMILY VACATION for my fam-
all my remaining kids home

camping on the beach.

Well, two out of three said "NO" More like a "Hell no! I have camping and refuse to go".

So that was out.

I rescheduled the trip from AUG to OCT, knowing the last remaining kid home WOULD GO.
It was sweet to hear her talking on the phone a few weeks ago telling her older sibling ( one not living hear for a while) "I am going to give Mom this. She really wants to go beach camping so I am going with her."

It was sweet.

I wanted to go beach camping as we did this ONCE - years ago, and it was one night only and I recalled how much the kids ( then little) actually ENJOYED IT.

They forgot.

Its funny how none of them even remember it.

But I remembered how much fun they had. It was on night, on a trip driving from FL to home- We stopped at Huntington State Park in SC.

I felt like we should have had more time there.

I think my boyfriend and I had what felt like our first fight.

It was a polite fight.
I was still really hurt.
He was still really upset- maybe angry at me? Yet polite

He became more aware I guess of what it means when one says they are a workaholic and try really hard not to be.

And I also really struggled with NOT WORKING.

I mean-
I did carve out time, put it on the calendar as out of office

And I just could not WORK - move quickly enought
OR maybe CHOSE not to work too much the weeks before??
I mean I struggle to not be a workaholic

AND I DO GOOD at that

so I don't push through to meet deadlines.

I mean I refuse.
A stubborn refusal to save others by working too hard myself to fix their deficiencies. I USED TO DO THAT

BUT the thing is

I still got sick

NOT from over work

Maybe from drinking the water at the campsite? Maybe just from exposure at Renfaire

OH YEAH That was awesome! TO GO To the Rennassance Festival and meet my boyfriends besties- like a few of them. His friends for 40 years. Some of his best friends.
I Mean it was a great day. The whole camping was good.

BUT For the one fight moment.

I don't think I talk about work alot.

Maybe I do

Maybe it is always on my mind.
It is hard to not think about it.

Especially as when I forced myself to NOT just push through- so kept the boundary of GOING TO SLEEP
and maintaining healthy lifestyle and ONLY DOING what I could get done in the day; week - etc.. reasonably

and trying to NOT WORRY about what not done

I am proud of myself

I feel like
if I lose job so be it
I cant go back to being a workaholic


I am in recovery

YES I suppose that is it.

I am in recovery always at risk of being pulled back in- it is an ailment so much like any other addiciton.

So I am grateful for when , while on our beach camping trip my boyfriend BOTH SUPPORTED my need to get to work and get things done ( I mean I have to work... had to this past week for sure a bit- I don't want to lost this job...
hope I did not risk it...)

All I will say here about work is that I do have only a couple clients; am VERY PROUD of the areas of work they are in- public and private

BUT that ONE is a gov client. Just one.
w most know BEGINS OCTOBER 1 ( cause it is in the news- the worry and threat of possible Gov shut down in recent years as Congress argues over budget- antideficiency act and all that--

Well in SOME SPACES somehow that means there are contracts that begin or end around this time. Contracts following the same timeframes as budgets...

imagine that

Well I was not imagining that AT ALL when I planned a BEACH VACATION Trip for the first week of October

I was not imagining the SLEW Of contracts which are renewing or starting or imagining the subKs that have to be finalized before labor can start of the awards

NOT imagined that would bring work to my plate that HAS TO BE DONE.

And did not imagine that any of this work would not come to me


I mean with incomplete information

missing key components

I mean like- Scopes of work pretty much have to be CLEAR

PRICING has to be clear

I basically should have done a better job At my work. Like two three weeks before. When everyone asked "Tell us what you need"

I MEAN it perhaps should have occured to me to say " PRICING"
(I made an assumption that was obvious)

and "A Scope of work from a Project Manager"

(Again I made an assumption that was obvious)

But the thing is I look like the hold up. And I was in a way - as I did not even have ability to call a meeting to hash out the issue

Because I was at the beach.

well maybe the week before could have resolved?

Because- Remember I am not a full time EMPLOYEE for this one client for whom I have a contract up to 20 hrs a week..
there is that

SO the week before I happened to be FILLING IN as the Receptionist at the one Retirement Community

It really occurred to me that if I were a full time employee that client would have been MUCH BETTER SERVED By me.

BUT I did what I could, with the paramaters set-
of part time, no benefits, and therefore also no loyalty to be available full time.

That is the way it works!

But it was hard to get this job done part time. It took a few weeks. (That is the way it works. If part time 20 hrs a week, Well work that you would like done in one week that was REASONABLE for a full time person would then be expected to take two weeks for your part timer! Right? Math
Common Sense

Don't expect the same level of service from part time labor.

It is not physically possible,

SO.... I was a bit stressed
BUT boyfriend drove me to town. dropped me off and I got shit done, moving along,

THEN it was the NEXT DAY

when I was going to go do the same. Going to work in town a bit. and the boyfriend suggested we just leave. I think that was what he said. Just go home
why bother being on vacation if not spending time with my kid or him.

I think that was it. The suggestion.

No maybe that was not it-

Oh yeah I recall. The next day he asked me to not talk about work. He said I talk about it alot. The funny thing is I don't take about it at all in my view. I mean really.

I talk ZERO about substance. Like I don;t discuss WHAT or WHO I work for; I don't discuss who clients are, or the services or products inolved are -
what is being sold
what is being done
who it affects


and beacuase I have NDAs and can't talk about details I think I find it frustrating.

I mean most people CAN Talk about their jobs. They can say "I work at X" and they can talk about "My BOSS FRED said" Etc...

they can talk in particularities. I did share one thing.ONE DETAIL

My one boss wrote a book
I told my best friend the name of the book.

She had read it!


My best friend has no interest or care in the work I do so I knew that was OK to do.

(and the book was not about the work at all actually. Moreso about the boss' life and a great book from a great lady. )

More like a positive enouraging uplifting ...I don't know, self help? Inspirational?

YEAH I guess that.

Anyway most people CAN Talk and DO talk once in a while about work. Most people make FRIENDS from work too.
My boyfriend talks about his work once in a while. He tells me what he is working on. I have listened. He is proud of his work. I find it also interesting. Maybe the difference is I LIKE when he talks about his work as I love hearing about what he is spending much of his life on. For real- I mean he has worked at the same place for 16 years now so that is a dedication of much of his life to that effort!
HELL he should be proud of it as it IS good work!

When, the day after I worked at the coffee shop I was opening my phone and trying to recall hrs worked ( vebally- I do that I talk out loud as processing) I was saying something like "I worked two hour yesterday morn while you were all asleep still.. I think. Then I went to the coffee shop.."

And he said "Proverbs..."

I had to look it up just now He is not a religious man. But he grew up in a religious family.

ESV Every prudent man acts with knowledge, but a fool flaunts his folly. NIV All who are prudent act with knowledge, but fools expose their folly.

and I was like "WHat the hell does THAT MEAN?"

I felt he was very condescening and judging me

I was just fucking trying to recall what hours worked so I could ledger them in the upwork app ( this is my good upwork client) so I get PAID for the hours I did have to work while on vacation.

I did ask I think "What does that mean?"

He answered
frustrated in his voice
anger in his voice

and said he asked me ( he did - the day before ) to NOT TALK ABOUT WORK
and he was angry and frustrated I was doing so.

I was like "WHAT? I am not talking about work"
"I am just ledgering time so get paid- and I have to remember- this helps"
and my kid who was in the back seat chimed and and helped me to remember. She said something like " Yes you worked..."

He said when I talk about work it is a narcissistic, one way conversation
and that my KID does not care
and he does not care
and I am not fully present

He was mad.

I think maybe he was mad I HAD To work
I mean he was so supportive the day before driving me into town to get work done- which really relieved a lot of stress

BUT this day he was mad at me for I guess
wanting to work again

and I guess as he said
I was not relazing and fully present


I was hurt


I HAD NOT and I find it exceptionally difficult to NOT TALK ABOUT IT

and he was so angry

BUT the thing is when he tells me what upsets him
I don't hear him taking ownership of his feelings. I have noticed that before. I was good in the sense I did not address his communication then. That can wait I tried to receive the feedback and constructive criticism.

He framed the issue as it was making the relationship with MY KID distant.

I think the thing that made the relationship with my kid most distant was the fact he and I had an argument

That I believe was more upsetting to my kid and made her shut down

She distanced
wanted less time with us

It was obvious to me that she heard the argument of him asking me to not talk about work and it made her uncomfortable.

It likely seemed controlling to her.

I think.

But then again I might be projecting my feelings onto her- assuming


which is what I think he did.

He was just feeling put off. He was feeling like I was not present.
I was feeling upset thinking THIS IS WHO I AM

DAMN , is the honeymoon period over already?

We are spending time, and a few days go by without sex and now you are going to see my flaws??
That was what I was thinking

WOW the power of good sex and endorphins


if suddenly he sees my flaws and did not before we are in trouble

I say that tounge in cheek of course...

It was just one sorta argument
Him being judgemental
and upset and angry
at me working

That day ( I think? I lose track of days so quickly) BAsically we had a campsite for three nights... but after the 2nd night, YEAH I think that same day
he said he really needed to rethink the plan and we should leave that day rather than stay that night and try to leave in the morning as HE HAS WORK TOO
and he really had to be back to work the next day.

IT was a much better plan actually. For all of us. I did not want HIM stressed at leaving his work too long either! There were folks waiting on him too (OK Maybe not a few people waiting to start jobs... and company losing revenue for every day those billable labour hours are not on project; and a CO and COR somewhere getting nervous if the newly awarded contract was a mistake or not... if the project was going to start or not..... OH BUT I DIGRESS.....

FUCK I will be lucky if I HAVE this job.)


So I put my time with my kid first.

And my boyfriend.

And I hope all is OK with the job.

(It really was cause there was not PRICING And freaking SCOPE OF WORK given to me!! Heck the contract I did get done first turns out has a start date of NOVEMBER YEAH but that Project Manager actually GAVE ME all the details needed! So I could get that one done. The other was SILENT when I sent a draft with all the questions. Then NOT silent but did not ANSWER the actual questions but asked odd ones not helpful. IT was frustrating. Thank God for the organized call by the Program Director, Give him much credit. I should have organized a call but it was not possible -
and was at the beach!!)

OK so I am talking about, but NOT talking about work again, right?


I know I do it.
I know it is often also venting.

My boyfriend said I talk about work alot and it is not positive but complaining.

It is dumping I guess to TRY NOT to worry,

so conclusion:

Therapy would be good.

The damn therapist sent an email back but not time. I have to follow up.

OH but all this to say. After he got mad at me for talking about work the day after he asked if I would not
I was upset
and honestly was also VERY FREAKED OUT and ANXIOUS at not having logged in that day yet... I mean like , had not even VERBALIZED it
but was in sheer terror of losing my job
I mean seriously nervous
and while we are arguing I am there thinking about how little time is left in the day

I recall the drive- the comment of proverbs ( which seemed so very odd . I still am not sure what he meant by that. IF he meant it was foolish to be working on vacation? Foolish to be a workaholic? Foolish to act proud of work? I am perplexed a bit.)

In any case-- it was odd
and he was angry
and I was hurt ( repeating myself . I know I do that)

BUT In the end, after the disappointment of feeling hurt and judged, I decided that fuck it
I do need to honor the vacation day
and not feel worried about how much can get done that day- I was way behind anyway. The contract I THOUGHT I would draft in the AM did not get done, I had instead got the fire going, and cooked breakfast- all the while enjoying it actually and for that period-
while I was stoking the embers to get the fire going from the night before and then cooking breakfast over it

I WAS HAPPY and content and I think for a little while FORGOT about the work.

I downloaded just one Prime contract that I needed to craft and SOW from-

cause the PM did not ever do so.

That was a piece I could do off line.

So after all the breakfast was ready , and I sat and did try to work a bit-


and the sun was hot

Well MY KID Wanted to go to the beach.

She wanted to go to the beach for a few hours.

That was in fact what we came there for. Understand that we were beach camping- but the site was not RIGHT on the beach ( there are some right on the beach)-
NO ours was in the dunes.
So our beach was a nice WALK to the beach.

AT night you could still hear the waves- very loudly.

I decided "Fuck it I am not working more today." I had started some of the SOW drafting-
I mean that takes fucking time. I am a bit irritated over this lack of such being done my the PM. I mean what project manager does not know that THEY NEED to prepare a clear statement of work? That they can't just plop the one from a Prime contract into a subK??

but moreso

and inaccurate
and ,,,,,ok I will stop.
STOP talking about work, right? HECK I used to not ever WRITE about work. Wasn't that a rule once for here too???

Anyway I realized that honestly, work is not the most important thing in life. There will always be work. It is ALWAYS THERE

My kid being on the beach with me is something to be fully present for. My boyfriend, this man who loves me who just went through all the effort for planning to make this special deserves my full attention without my head swirling with stuff...

YEah this is the stuff going through my head...

it is still there....

BUT I was sick after camping

I was supposed to be working at the retirement community. At least since I got sick I got someone to cover that shift so instead COULD actually focus on work for my client all day. I needed the time to catch up truth be told.
It would have been quite a challenge to have been on a very important call ( the call I likely should have organized TWO WEEKS AGO myself....)....

ok but

BUT I am obsessing about work , right? ( I just DELETED a whole longer rant on this topic- too specific
too worky...

will not write about work.

Or talk about work
when not working.

I have to really try.

It's just hard for me.


Today, as sick and needing to rest I will only watch Netflix

Gilmore Girls is what I am enjoying.

Oh in fact I really came to write about that. To say that this made me laugh-

THE HUGE Ben and Jerry 's Tub

which... I am sure was a PROP made for the show. Did they EVER actually make a Ben and Jerrys Bucket of Ice Cream THAT BIG??

Heck after even one moment of feeling yucky after an argument with my boyfriend I really wanted to wallow a little...

I just felt so SAD that I had trouble not working, not thinking about work, that he was upset when I spoke SO LITTLE about it... that he got upset when I mentioned it at all...

when the reality of what was going on in my head was SO MUCH MORE DETAILED ! HA HA

I mean it was ironic to me.

BUT after coming her to write about how much enjoying that show-- its funny , and relatable..
especially the part of pushing away the ones you love out of fear

sure I get that

I know it is something some of us do...

and the three month thing

Oh it was our three month anniversary of dating WHILE we were camping!! YES

My sweet, sweet boyfriend said that he couldn't very well sneak to get me flowers -- as we were in the middle of nowhere and it was kinda an impossibility

He is the sweetest for real

And after he got upset

I kinda realized he was RIGHT

he does support that I HAVE to work

BUT I should be able to actually take a vacation day or two. Without logging in. Heck he did.
And so

I decided that last day of camping yeah- fuck it, not working today . We already decided we would head out that night instead of staying one more night and having to pack up and get on the road by 6am for him to work the next day-- we realize realistically that was not practical. and not worth it-
SO we kinda leisuely packed up camp while my kid was at the beach. She said she wanted to go to the beach and broght the dog with her. We were going to possibly go to town for me to work. We both agreed to scrap that idea
as I realized time on the beach with my kid would be more valuable
and heck
work would be there tomorrow.

It will always be there tomorrow, seriously.

Someone will always need this kind of help.

BUT my kid and dog and boyfriend and I will not always have a chance to swim in the ocean on a perfect day.

I mean the weather was perfect.

So I decided to forget about work and listen to his guidance and humble myself to not take it hard that he called me narcissistic in my talk of work... ( which was really not talk of work at all but more anxious talk of wanting to get paid for the time taken FROM time with my family)

and just get the work of packing up done for the most part
then go enjoy the beach.


We swam (boyfriend and I )and I sat and played guitar while my guy who has not been in the full sun much in the last 30 years ( for real) sat and dozed, while my youngest daugher sat along with the dog enjoying the ocean.

My kid did not swim, but she was enjoying just sitting lounging relaxing by the ocean.

The waves were lovely-
the swimming was lovely

I do relax and let go when swimming in the ocean. For that afternoon I really did forget about work.

We came back from the beach and packed up the tents and then headed out.
Scrapped the menue for cooking over the fire that night, and it was a much better plan to leave then rather than morning for sure. Because it really did take so much longer to pack up everything and it was late by the time we got in anyway! Its a four hour drive to/from Assateague Island National Seashore where we were camping along with the wild ponies.
Oh yeah, one visited our site.

I forget what time we were home but I think 10pm?
I came down with a cold-
I had started with a very deep cough in my chest. ( I forget when? The day before?)

I actually had a sore throat but thought it was due to exposure to bleach-
As I sat outside at the Starbucks in Ocean City working, the barista/clerk came outside and sprayed bleack on the paved walkway/threshold into the coffee shop. It was SO STRONG- clearly undiluted! And he kept spraying and I caught a good lungful of fumes. He came out with a bucket of water- dumped it, then a push broom which he scrubbed the walkway with. I was both repulsed, uncomfortable, and impressed by the diligent hard work of the guy-
so much so that I guess it did not occur to me to MOVE
to get out of being down wind from bleach fumes.

I just thought "That smells awful" and did not think further...

Cause I felt the burning, searing feeling of scorched throat LATER.

I swear I got a chemical burn! MAYBE that was not 100% bleach? Maybe someone dumbly mixed chemicals?

OR maybe since the prior burning of my esophegous I damaged myself so I am super sensitive.

IN any case, when I FIRST started coughting up thick yellow flegm I though it was risisuld reaction to that damage.

I took an ibuprohoin when camping that night cause my throat/esphogus hurt.

But after getting back home it turned into a full blown illness cold or more than a cold? running nose, continued coughing up thick yellow mucus. Just a bummer

After swimming in the ocean on the perfect 85degree day
the only option was an ICE COLD Shower!
Then the only option was to be walking around with a wet head.
My hair was still damp as we drove back home from the beach trip. I had hung my wet towel and bathing suit on the back of the seat of the car ( where I sit) as we loaded up the car. I did not want the wet things in a bag! I wanted them to air dry. We were on the road a while before I realized I was cold in part as I was sitting on those wet items.
oh well...
I think the wet head , window open or AC blowing causes an issue in my system and brought on the illness.
I was worried it was chemical pnemonia- even though rare.

whatever it was/is-
I am glad feeling a bit better today
and glad to not have to go to work today or go to church in the AM. I found someone to take on that responsibility.

I will call my co worker tomorrow to let her know how feeling then. If not up for it she will work tomorrow afternoon as well.
Throat still sore. But the coughing not as often.

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