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2023-10-18 - 6:21 p.m.

I have the task of writing my own reviews. Two of them. One task is more targeted: to assess performance and identify areas to improve, strengthen. I apprechiated the conversation with the CEO I support. I love that she provides feedback loops and actively tries to foster teamwork and improve relationships and productivity of smooth processes and is realistic. She said she felt there were some unrealistic expectaitons (surely) and wants better forecasting of amount of time and money, and if need MORE resources to "Get it Done" if there is a surge as had recently.

Kudos to her BD guy. He won lots of new work all at once! It think the world of him actually.

2nd is that I am going to write a Linked In kudo, from another CEO I support. HA HA
He is happy to provide me a reference but is busy so wants me to draft it!

That is the oldest tip in the book.
I know this.
I was bold enough to ask him if he would write me a kudo if he had any time, after he said he would be happy to refer me to those in his industry and he texted " I will be looking for opportunities to promote your services within my network. Thanks for all your wonderful help."

He said feel free to use his name as a reference, and add the logo of his company I have done work for on my website.

Proud to be able to do so!
I have a couple other clients I have to ask as well. Should be easier to do having done it already with one client and had a positive response!

I know my clients have been happy overall. At least thought so-BUT.... for one I am not sure if any shift in contentment with my work or not...
I mean I would have said there was nothing but positive gratitude for my great work until a month ago BUT then some of the team from my one client seemed frustrated when I could not complete a number of tasks as I was waiting for confirmation of a couple critical data points--
BUT
that is the nature of my role/job.
I have to have confirmation of the details.
Details matter.
And...
I mean these were critical componants without which one does not have a legal contract! There are certain elements you can't LEAVE OUT.

I wear a compliance hat. So the Compliance Persons are RARELY the most popular in the room...
HA HA

I mean there are times to just GET IT DONE and cut corners; but then there are times NOT TO do so.
Seriously.
I just opted not to this time. I could not see how to cut corners would help my client in the long run.
And I want to have actual added value; not have things LOOK good in the short term but hide a problem which will only become a big one if not addressed at its genesis.

And yeah, signing a document that has no legal weigh of being considered an actual contract could be a problem.

Compliance is at times the pits.

Its almost worse than holding a designated title of AUDITOR. I mean at least then there is the understanding that the auditor will be a PIA. In my role not everyone understands why at times I come across as a PIA
as I undergo some best practice process checks.


But I have this ethical obligation to do what is best for my client- the company; and not every person in the process always UNDERSTANDS all things... various perspectives, which are my job to acutally understand.

Tech problems with connectivity don't help my CREDIBILITY in earning trust that I should be listened to.

I had a hell of a time connecting to the calls for this client of late.

It has been a PIA. Seriouly, I worked from home without incident on occassion ALL MORNING but when it came time for that client buiness call my internet dropped out.

When working elsewhere and using a secure VPN, the NEXT week- I was able to get on line and get things done BUT FOR when it was time for that standing weekly call.

Its just really aggrevating.

THEN -- now this is the third week in a row with a connection problem;

the NEXT Week I had a scheduled VACATION. BUT it had to end up being a working vacation

and I intended to use a hot spot for the call.
To keep on track with things in queue and in process-

to let folks know WHAT DEPENDENCIES there were; and give update as to what info I needed to finish a couple ( OK a freaking lot) of tasks on my plate.

AND The hot spot would not work.

MY PHONE did not even work!

I did ride out of the area and drove until connection and lo and behold then the CEO CALLED MY CELL and via my cell phone I was connected to the team meeting of the whole darn team who were WAITING for me.

It was so highly unprofessional of late that I can't freaking connect.
Thank God for the leader who called me and tapped me into the call.

BUT that should NEVER have happened.

I KNOW I need to fix this issue.

The problem is I do not think the answer is doing anything different AT HOME.

I just don't trust home could ever be a secure location for me.
PERIOD

For me the answer is to NOT work from home when I have important calls. It is much simpler.

I can catch a Lyft or a bus to a large number of locations. I can rotate them. I do this.
It feels more reliable.

Heck it has proved to be more reliable.

Maybe sad to say that. BUT feel like I won't, can't , ever be free of interference BUT FOR when not at home.

I mean no point in upgrading and paying more for connectivity as any method of connecting has vulnerabilities.

I just think the timing of when things don't work is more than coincidence. I don't think that makes me crazy. Its just the empirical evidence of my actual EXPERIENCES of late. This is not past nonsense. This is not PTSD crap. This is cold, hard reality that my connectivity has been only an issue when I have an important business call with my client.

I mean the ODDS of that are unlikely.
I mean if random there would be connectivity issues OTHERWISE. And truth be told there have not been BUT For the one week when it was also KNOWN that the company servicing my connection was working on their lines. That week EVERYONE in my neighborhood had brown outs of their service (if you can use brown out to extend to internet as well as power).

Darn this is the kinda thing that makes me just WANT a job where I go to work in a SKIFF. Let someone else handle the security who I know is the best in the business.
If I work in highly secure locations where there CANNOT be vulnerabilities.

THEN I TOO would feel less likely to be in a space where I am vunlerable.

Make sense?

But I can't very well answer the question
"Why do you want this job?
Why work HERE?"

" Because I get tired of technology not working and suspicious of being hacked. If I work here I will have the greatest peace of mind AND KNOW I am doing good work in service of our country and will be better able to do my job without interference and therefore will be SUCCESSFUL, in things like earning enough money to maintain my home."

So I just think it.

Yeah cause that answer would be just as bad as the answer ( that I really gave when annoyed by the bait and switch once and low ball salary proposed; I mean it was like 50% of my worth in the market after some yahoo was only focused on my volunteer work with refugees and I felt judging me... I mean it was obvious he was just making this strong judgment I was not WORTHY of the role he was interviewing for....) " I decided that I had to go with a back up plan since I could not follow my dream of ____ ( forget what I said? "saving the world."? Something ridiculously flippant? I forget ) oh I think it was "follow my dream of being an attorney in service of others, as I failed the bar exam, so had to settle for a back up."
I mean saying I would SETTLE and do that job...
acknowleding my failed BAR Exam

It was like a bomb drop answer to blow the job possibility. The worst self sabatogue moment ever, out of? what?
pride?
nerves?
My OWN judgement of the prick who was making faces in disgust at my work in refugee centers?

He looked DISGUSTED by my voluneer efforts.

Yeah I guess I did not make it through the "behavioral" interview. LOL
I mean it is funny in a way. I so seldom lose my cool and even get highly emptional ( I mean I vent HERE and rant here but that is different! I mean in the REAL world! HA HA I let it all out here and express so in the real world am rather chill. I think.)

I am still frankly mad at that. I think it is because it was MONTHS of going through a vetting and at the point of job offer when that final interviewer, who was tasked only with discussing salary , had to be such a PRICK. I mean he was needling me. And it was my vulnerability I suppose- the attacking the heart of what I found to be valuable work I wanted to do with my life. And he was mocking it.
Absolutely Mocking my dream to be quite honest.
And JUDGING it
so it did hit me emotionally and yeah I suppose that is one thing I am still a bit angry about.
Because honestly If I did not have THAT Prick in that moment, perhaps I would have had a decent job offer. Perhaps it would have come in at a reasonable salary and I would have embarked on a job -- no, rather embarked on a 2nd CAREER role that would have been one I worked for the next 20 years which
truth be told WAS one I thought of YEARS AGO. I mean dreamed of YEARS ago...

it was a dream to work in service of others and I did consider various means of doing so. That role was one considered in past.
He was just such a prick that I lost my decorum. I lost my cool.

and yeah I am still angry about it as I don't understand how that prick serves that org well AT ALL if he treats people like they are beneath him and mocks them, over his preconceived notions and I think polical views frankly. BS

Honestly, I still occassionally consider a full time role that would require working IN PERSON in a secure environment. I had a few interviews about a month ago for a job that would have fit that requirement and it did appeal to me, even though it would require working full time and giving up certain freedom I now have.

Seriously, once all the kids are out of the house that might be a good plan if I could land such a role. I just still have this sense I should remain close to home until the youngest figures out her next step! I feel like she NEEDS me now. Just needs my presence.

I mean it would be SO GREAT for my peace of mind and knowing I can get work done and be fully present WHEN IT'S TIME TO WORK if I could land a full time role and go to work a few days a week in person in a secure enviroment.

It gets old not being able to connect without worry
UNLESS NOT HOME
and also NOT ON VACATION

I did not cancel the meeting sceduled on my technical day off- as there really were critical things I needed to work on for one client.
So...
On my vacation I did take time to fo find a coffee shop and log into the VPN to have secure connection and get some work done to move things along for my client.
My boyfriend was kind enough to take me for a drive to find connection.

It was just kinda frustrating to be in that tight spot. The workload should have been done the week before but due to unforseen circumstances ( sadly!) there were some dependenies that were not tied up that week before.

So it was the waiting game,

For other dependencies to be COMPLETED before I could tie up the loose ends and do my job to completion.

BUT not everyone understood the hold up. ( Which honestly made me think there were some who were just... well not the brightest bulbs? I mean I explained what I needed and it was not complex. Seriously- not rocket science here.. yet there seemed to be from my perspective an AVOIDANCE of doing some kinda simple work and an AVOIDANCe of taking accountability of decisioning... and delay happening because someone else was not doing what I thought was a clear expectation.)

Turns out I think there was confusion and a misalignmet of expectations.
AND there was a key element that no one seemed to have on their assignment plate! Just a GAP in process- which can be fixed moving forward.
AND it is STILL A GREAT company with REALLY GOOD PEOPLE

but on one can know what they don't know

and some were just not receptive to the communication I had ( which I don't blame them- I mean point of fact: I had been CHALLENGED with my communication!)

This happens with projects of course- so a BETTER Plan would have been to have more realistic forecasting and project planning ...

lessons learned

and in my own work planning

I learned NEVER to take vacation the time of year which I know is the end of a fiscal year for a client.

I mean really

I have to pay more attention to when each quarter ends for each client, and when each fiscal year ends for each client moving forward and block of time for when renewals are due etc....

The work load

I also learned who not to trust. I mean work wise.

Someone was covering their ass to be quite frank. So they sent email that really MADE NO SENSE whatsoever. But they were counting on no one reading the whole thread.

I learned who to just have phoe calls with and avoid putting anything in writing asking them to follow up- cause the defensive response in which they also ccd the world....knowing no one else would know the back story ( that they dropped the ball! LOL) AMAZING....

I will just use Text reminders, or phone call,
not an email asking for follow up

cause i got a slam attack, pivot and deflect and change topic and talk past request and raise different not even related issue that makes no sense but in a kinda defensive attack-
it was so very bizarre.

I mean like out of left field response

and scathing kinda agressive acting like I had dropped the ball or did not do somethign....

in response to a simple question for someone to APPROVE a document that had changes we had already discussed and agreed on..

It was really bizarre.

Later that week a follow up call

and this dude said "We don't have time to READ the documents"

It was kind of astounding.
Especially as the document the dude was talking about was one he should have WRITTEN.

I did this guy's job for him and asked him to review it and he was giving me attitude?.

It was something.

YEAH misalignment of expectations...

I expected him to do his job,
and when he did not and I stepped in, I expected him to at least quietly approve the work
rather than holding out and refusing to say anything.

It was really crazy.


Another dude, I can not make this up,
at one point uttered some of the dumbest things I have ever heard on a business call.
I mean something like
" the langauge can be so hard to interpert. so why don't we just take that whole section out."

It was so nonsensical
this idea that becuase something is UNCLEAR and open to interpertation
lets just REMOVE the whole section.

WHAT??

LOL

I mean I can't make this up.

I wondered if these pretty boys are the frat boys who drank their way through college, somehow got someone else to do their work, and somehow still got hired in professional roles
and expect others to keep doing their work for them.

If you expect accountability and circle back to set expectations, spell out HOW to do something ( rather than do it for them- which is what I did... and waited... and waited...)
well it did not happen.

I was hand holding, I was teaching, I was training... I was trying to at least. I had a call and walked through some best practices and tried REALLY HARD to just FACILITATE and not be bossy. I tried to GUIDE gently and not be judgemental.

I did what I do when a manager of teams.

The call went ok so it seemed, but the work product, deliverable WAS NEVER FINISHED

So I finished it and asked for approval.
All this guy had to do was say YES I APPROVE and THANK YOU

but instead I was WAITING
and WAITING
and WAITING


It was so very odd cause the week before he was very apologetic at his holding up the deal and that day I was like "OH no worry, I am working part time this week anyway, and could not have reviewed until today."

I think the moment I let him know I am a part time consulant he shifted his sense of whether he had to listen to me or not. That was the shift.
Rather strange.

In any case, the surge is over.
It was just disappointing as there was not even the basic info I needed to get it all done quickly.
I did not have energy for working any more than a few hours a day after I was sick. That also impacted how quickly I could then finalize things ONE the information was FINALLY Gathered that I needed.

I caught that cold ( seriously suspect a form of COVID not captured in the rapid test to be honest)-
and was not up to par. I needed to rest.
So the week AFTER returning from camping I did work steadily, but no more than a few hours a day. I just did not have energy and had to rest.

It is what it is.

I let go of attachment to outcome. I can only do my best.


And am STILL grateful for the good work of this GREAT client! I mean despite the issues with the one resouce, the rest of the company is solid. I think this guy is just GREEN and needs some maturation, growth, learning...
I am sure he is good at the other soft skills needed to be good at his job.

He really just needs to learn that sometimes, you have to be the one to do your own homework.

Seriouly... I feel like he is a pretty boy... one of those who gets by smoozing and has others do the work for them....
sometimes its cause the person is just not that smart.
PATIENCE....


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