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2023-10-27 - 7:57 p.m.

My fourth child is a writer.
as much of a writer as the oft published one with the MFA.

And frankly, reading their work is as heartbreaking.

Maybe it is because I have not yet read their work as much. It is raw. It is new to me. It is shocking,
to read of the reality this child grew up in

even though I was there.

I fled the horrors of it

and there were moments

it is the horrors they have had to process

So those are in the writing

and Real

and heartbreaking.

I should have not been surprised by this, yet I was so excited to read good fiction and somehow expected fun fanciful stories. I expected fantasy, as that was what in past when younger they has written much of. Tales inspired by Harry Potter, and what was that fantasy story so popular in the 2000s inspired by the greek gods?? ... which was made into a very BAD movie... well you know what I mean....

The last work I read of this writer offspring of mine was fantasy fiction!

I should know by now that when bored at work DO NOT LOOK FOR THE WRITING OF MY kids. There was too much trauma and I should KnOW by now they process it in their work. They had to make it THROUGH childhood to then be able to look back and process.

Yet it feels like such a fragile transition
I don't feel like they are through the fire yet....

I fear for their lives
Try not to EVERY DAY
but some days it is harder than others to not be afraid of one of them or another of them not making through the trials, through the dark to see the light of better days.

So-- tonight,
I did not find short stories. I found short fiction essays; memoir style, and poems. Hit you in the gut with sadness type.
Sharing some of the hurt of moments that would seem infathomable, if I were not witness to them
or witness to moment like them
or around people who can be so unknowingly cruel or people who can be so knowingly uncaring and cruel ( does it matter which, if the person is abusive?)
It just hurts to know my kids have had so much pain.
Tonight feeling the pain of this one, once child of mine, now adult.

Glad no one is coming to visit this nursing home tonight.

Visiting hours end at 8 technically.

I usually lock the door at 8:30 pm.

I am going to lock it now.

Because I can't stop the tears,
and visitors are only leaving at this hour, not coming.

And I can sit in this peaceful quiet
and allow myself to cry.

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