2023-11-04 - 8:42 p.m.
I am at work where I got really tired while doing these on line required trainings.
So I took the time to do the required triainings. I made it through all the healthcare related ones.
Discussion of how to handle conflict.
and how each style works sometimes.
The training is good and even spoke about how you have to, based on role, at times STEP INTO YOUR POWER
Not acquiesce and seek for collaboration when it won't serve a team.
DAMN That is what I did wrong.
On a few occassions.
I take the role of faciliator when I really need to be authoritarian.
As in when I am the SME and it does not serve well to allow for collaboration.
Typcially I have been really GOOD in that leadership role as SME.
BUT... when I was sick, and the program director I report to called a meeting..
to resolve a lingering item/issues
I was totally sick and LET him take the leadership role, set the agenda
and I was blindsided.
AT the time I had DEPENDENCIES of WAITING for two folks to respond with information.
Specifically scope of work
NOT My lanes.
BUT I will not complete a deal if they are not clear. OR WORSE YET SHITTY
OK Water under the bridge, right?
It felt shitty to be taking this training which was SO GOOD
YEAH it uses "Getting to yes"
I got EXHAUSTED
Mainly I know because It occurred to me what the fuck happened was a freaking internal SABATOGE of me at that meeting
I fucking hate having to support places with people....oh and let me be clear- MEN... yes it is truly MEN....
YEAH I won't sugarcoat.
I hate working in places where MEN somehow feel like their egos are being bruised when I do my job
I have vented and ranted about this and deleted SO MANY TIMES
I am still clearly upset by the weirdness of the fact suddenly I felt the tension of there being a thought there could even be an internal negotaition.
I mean there are just some BASICS that are not able to be negotiated when it comes to doing my job.
I get tired of the folks who are acting like they don't understand as they are interested in getting money in the short term over building solid foundations of business for the long term.
I get tired from the stupidity of that frankly
And I can be the barracuda
And I stood down
when I should not have. ,
I gave away my power. And know I did so.
So still kicking myself. I am mad at me.
I have to be gentle with self.
SO I scraped finishing the darn training. I can finish that one tomorrow. I want to watch the whole thing again. I was about 3/4 the way through. Good refresher. I will take notes actually.
I need to learn some new songs.
It makes me happy.
Ended with "Have I told you Lately that I Love You"
Its an easy song and relaxing.