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2023-11-04 - 8:42 p.m.

I am at work where I got really tired while doing these on line required trainings.
Friday nights I often have been using to call and catch up with the Buffalo gals-
my friends up there.
Its quite here,
as families do not generally visit on Friday nights. They come on Saturday mornings and Sunday mornings.
Friday's are perhaps the quitest shift of all.
The phone rings just a couple times.

So I took the time to do the required triainings. I made it through all the healthcare related ones.
It was the "Managing Conflict" one that got me exausted.

Discussion of how to handle conflict.

and styles-
Assertive or those who are controlling

and how each style works sometimes.

The training is good and even spoke about how you have to, based on role, at times STEP INTO YOUR POWER
and not give it up.

Not acquiesce and seek for collaboration when it won't serve a team.

DAMN That is what I did wrong.

On a few occassions.

I take the role of faciliator when I really need to be authoritarian.

As in when I am the SME and it does not serve well to allow for collaboration.

Typcially I have been really GOOD in that leadership role as SME.
I know not to open up conversations.

BUT... when I was sick, and the program director I report to called a meeting..

to resolve a lingering item/issues

I was totally sick and LET him take the leadership role, set the agenda

and I was blindsided.

AT the time I had DEPENDENCIES of WAITING for two folks to respond with information.

Specifically scope of work
and pricing

NOT My lanes.

BUT I will not complete a deal if they are not clear. OR WORSE YET SHITTY
and not in interest of the company I am representing.

OK Water under the bridge, right?

It felt shitty to be taking this training which was SO GOOD

YEAH it uses "Getting to yes"
BATNA ( is that it? Principled negotiation techniques... Best alternative negotiated position....
all this well known stuff frankly"

and then hit the wall
could not think anymore

Mainly I know because It occurred to me what the fuck happened was a freaking internal SABATOGE of me at that meeting
because somehow there was this feeling there was space for an internal negotiation.

I fucking hate having to support places with people....oh and let me be clear- MEN... yes it is truly MEN....

YEAH I won't sugarcoat.

I hate working in places where MEN somehow feel like their egos are being bruised when I do my job
and then they push back in some power move
to establish their power
and ignore freaking COMMON SENSE

I have vented and ranted about this and deleted SO MANY TIMES

I am still clearly upset by the weirdness of the fact suddenly I felt the tension of there being a thought there could even be an internal negotaition.

I mean there are just some BASICS that are not able to be negotiated when it comes to doing my job.

I get tired of the folks who are acting like they don't understand as they are interested in getting money in the short term over building solid foundations of business for the long term.

I get tired from the stupidity of that frankly

And I can be the barracuda
BUT I hate having to do it.

And I stood down

when I should not have. ,

I gave away my power. And know I did so.

So still kicking myself. I am mad at me.

I have to be gentle with self.

SO I scraped finishing the darn training. I can finish that one tomorrow. I want to watch the whole thing again. I was about 3/4 the way through. Good refresher. I will take notes actually.

And then I played guitar.
It was so nice to relax and play.

I need to learn some new songs.
BUT it is so comforting to play the three or four songs I know over and over...

It makes me happy.

Ended with "Have I told you Lately that I Love You"

Rod Stewart.

Its an easy song and relaxing.

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