2023-11-08 - 8:03 a.m.
Interesting post read this AM.
Men don't often recognize abuse. It is helpful when they do and share it with others to work through the ramifications and not perpetuate it.
Sometimes he will walk Bellatrix with me , then leave. Other times if it obvious I am spent he just offers to walk her for me, then leave.
That is absolutely what I need ❤️. Actual love
Although we both joke he is trying yo maje ne addicted yo bring st his place....as ge bought gold extra dark chocolate 🍫 and when he brings me home with him he also greets ne with a cup of hit decaf tea abd tgat chocolate which he brings to me in the easy chair where I put up me feet
This man is so beautifully attentive and loving.
Abd also has his own things tgat he apprechiates time apart to focus on. His friends...the coworker he walks with who is a Dad that enjoys a small break from family life once in a while , the other friend who comes by to play games, a long time gamer ( former coworker) who is the one person my boyfriend still games with, the about once monthly poker playing...his visits to his besties' home.
So the other night I went to bed and he came to cuddle just a bit as I fell asleep.
And he smelled of garlic.
I did not expect what a visceral actual PTSD moment I would have.
My brain went into recognition and response of body as if it were Art in the moment of pressure.
People put there. Men or Women understand that even if you have had a good sexual connection
There is NOTHING more destructive to a person's well being and capacity to enter relationship with you in any form than sexual abuse
And yes pressuring for sex
Unwanted touching is abuse.
If your lover says specifically you may touch when try are sleeping that is one thing. Consent for holding and caress mane sense. Discuss what is OK before you touch a person in any way.
Art was so pushy and when I was tired or needed alone time or just wanted to go home cause I was worried about my kid or my dog and it was time to go
He argued , he cajoled, he got angry. Or hurt and frustrated and felt abandoned and upset abd it came out passionately like anger. He was ridiculously passionate but in this very vehement and what seemed unbalanced way to me.
What was controlling and very threatening to me.
I left and woukd not see him again but for one more time in public to break up. I met him st the diner he liked to go to breakfast with me on occasion but we never even made it in to eat. He got there early and had coffee already and I knew best to have the discussion outside as it was going to be loud Italian ugly so I asked if he would instead just come out and walk with me as we talked.
Fight was more like it.
He articulated what he expects in a relationship which was completely unaligned with what I expect.
Missing ingredient was mutual respect.
It was all about being there for his needs.
And minimizing mine.
Which my wonderful boyfriend does not do!
But, ot just was a bit of a shock to my system when faced with the overwhelming smell of garlic
The thing is my boyfriend respected me. He read the body language. He is sensitive
I did not want to soil the moments if the tenderness and love of this man who so gently accepted my body's response and understood
It was not a reaction to him.
He joked " Maybe you are a vampire"
He has twisted himor and jokes Bout being manipulative but it somehow lands perfectly
So when he Said , in regard to one family of mine " Oh is she is too tired after such a long day when we pick her up and doesn't want to to go to my family's for Thanksgiving I can understand. I think we should give the option."
I was clear in that " No. I think you do have anxiety and are worrying about this- about my fam meeting yours, but it will be fine!"
Writing about this helps me process I think.
I think ot brave of Arik B to write so publicly about his sexual abuse. Cause yeah a mocking girl touching a guy is as much abuse and as horrifying as my EX who cajoled me to stay when in a histrionic state which cane across angry and aggressive.
No one's body should ever be put in that fight or flight state within a relationship!
I look forward to seeing my boyfriend after work tonight when my body is not in the recoiing state of wanting to curl up.
And I do not want him to stop eating garlic.
I want to condition my body to think of something other than the visceral reaction to past.
I know it's possible.
The joy of planting the grape hyacinth and realizing I completely forgot ( for a time) what they meant yo me in the past is proof of that. Now they can mean it still