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2023-12-02 - 5:20 p.m.

Well, I did not get my rent check yet from my new tenant. He is going to pay me when he gets paid on the 8th. He is an uber driver as well as a bus driver and his car is in the shop currently. He did rent a car both last weekend and this weekend so that he could drive Uber and pick folks up as he does make good money on the weekends doing that (so he said).

I believe it. Uber is expensive.

I don't use Uber for that reason. They are higher than Lyft and out of my budget! (Seriously. Around here I notice a big difference! My ride from work is about $15 typically if I take a Lyft. Sometimes less ; but its been quoted at 18 to 25 with Uber for the same ride. Ummm... no)

I don't have to catch a Lyft often as my boyfriend is so kind to want to help me out and will give me a ride when he is able to . He will bring me home if I want OR I am welcome to just stay at his place when I want. The choice is up to me and there is zero pressure WHICH I LOVE.

He is so very respectful and kind and not pushy.

What a difference from Art! I mean the contrast is apparent to me.

I thought of Art today because there are art shows all over, and one is a charity auction and I know one artist who posted. OH it was yesterday I think he first came to mind ( have not thought of him in a while)- when I saw a posting of another artist acaquantence who sold a painting on Ebay for around $4500, This is a fine artist who does beautiful work who has build a reputation.

He is very humble, so when he started out he sold his paintings for $100 or $200 on Ebay just a couple years ago. After he sold many small ones the value increased as folks do take notice!
A fine artist with humility to understand you have to start somewhere and then allow for growth. You don't suddently get thousands for your painting when no one knows who you are!

That was the problem wit ART His EGO got in the way; and his lack of willingess to DO THE WORK.

Sure the painting , the creating is work ,But he was not willing to do the business work, cause he would not work for less than he thought /thinks he is worth and his self perception is off .

Not that I am saying that exactly- I mean his work MAY be that good and YES MAY be worth thousands.... but someday. Not yet

He had to work at the building of the reputation, the marketing.

WHICH WILL HAPPEN if you are humble enough to take work when offered for small jobs.

Not underpaid
BUT FAIR rate to begin when you are unknown.

Quote a fair price-
but try to get the work for the fair price-
Do the work of the negotiation and conversation and don't just GIVE UP and not SHOW UP.
That was what I saw him do. Just not show up. It upset me to see someone self-sabotage.

There is a wonderful mural painter in town getting lots of jobs and being paid well. BUT before that happened, she said YES to doing lots of jobs and being paid less well, and I venture to say being paid POORLY for some- as she did some not for money but because it gave her joy. JUST SHEER JOY

She loves painting and making people happy.

There was also just whimsy and fun and joy in her subject matter. Some of Arts' art was darker to be honest...

Anyway, it upset me to see someone with such talent be NEGATIVE. And he was. I brought him with me once when he was in a funk after loss of a job cause he lost his temper frankly, and I knew the show playing would cheer him up. IT DID

BUT the dumb moment came when he for some reason wanted to go off alone and ditched me. He was just an arrogant asshole in the moment. I was like "What the fuck is he doing?" I mean like I bring him as my date to a show I am buying the tickets for- I am taking him out , and he feels this need to take off during the intermission- ditches me, and he goes to socialize and do his machismo, what it looked like to me-
thing... I mean the smoozing.. He is personable and friendly and yeah a good looking man, And It was very much like
"What the hell is he doing?"
as he wandered through the lobby where there was an art exhibit. Then he stopped to talk to a lady I knew ( he didn't clearly) and he started literally bitching about an art show that was run about how it excluded those just over the county line where he lived

and I found it really sad
I still remember it
Cause I brought him there WANTING to introduce him to her becuase I KNEW she was the CURATOR of this upcoming big regional show....
which he was bitching about how it is exclusionary when she just mentioned it and asked if he had ever participated...

OMG It was embarrassing. I brought him to that theater, that art show to meet people I could have introduced him to AT the intermission ( I am on a board of an arts org and really have been involved in the community to some degree- a bit more than he has been )

and here he BLOWS it by being critical and I thought a bit insulting off the bat.

It was wild

I was so struck by his ego, and lack of decorum in the moment.

I was also stunned at how he was ignorant of the fact his MOTHER whose studio he was now in (as she passed away a few years ago now) had been in that very art show (its an annual thing- a studio tour); and he was absolutely unaware of this The thing is , his mother was known by the curator I am sure. But he was so prideful he never would leverage any connections she had.

That was the embarassing part. I had walked over to him and the lady just as heard his complaining and her response "you should apply to be in the show; we have let some just over the county line in"... with a bit of a sly smile as I knew that she knew exactly what studio he was from when he said his name.

That was what was so odd in the moment. I knew , she knew but he did not know that his mom was connected to this community. 
She was a trained, fine artist ,and she taught him. He is proud of that- but he did not meet the folks she knew it seems.

He lived in another state for years, then came back and was elsewhere in this state. He is not connected to this local community the way she was... but if he would just put himself out there HE COULD BE. ITs like he things he is better than it. Which is a huge mistake beacuse we actually have a really thriving artistic community here.

It it just so strange to me how it just seemed his pride was too much in his own way.

It also occurred to me later, not in the moment as I don't think like this , I just found it WEIRD to ditch me and go off, BUT LATER... when he was always so jealous and freaky, that he was acting like the other players I know, working a room EVEN WHEN ON A DATE! In the seeking way... hunting mode... ha scoping...
he was not acting like in a relationship.

Men in relationships act different than that. (Unless they are assholes. )

OK enough about Art. I should have just maintained the friendship with my clear boundaries set and never tried to date him again.
It was a big mistake.

But I have covered this topic before. I think I thought of him again today as I walked with a dear friend of mine who happened to have met my current boyfriend before. We did not realize that until today when we went walking. I was talking of him and where I met him, and it was a party we went to in which she and I drove together.

Art wanted to come. He had asked me to go out that night. I said no ( we were still just friends); I had plans. I had two things going on- the Artist Way group meeting in the AM and then my bestie's BD party in the afternoon/evening both at the same location. I basically scheduled the in person Artist's Way group meet up to be at the same winery her birthday party was at.

So I said NO when Art asked me to go out.

I had plans.

BUT my bestie ALSO happens to be friends with him. Not close, more like an acquaintance as he was not on her invite list. BUT close enough that she would love to see him and had she thought of him would have invited him! (SHE LOVES A GOOD PARTy with acquaintances as well as close friends. In fact she has always thrown a great party!).

So the funny thing is that my friend who I walk with when we both can, who got a new puppy so it was super fun to walk both our dogs together today, recalled that party where she and her Dad and her son came early in the day , where she met my boyfriend soon upon arrival, and ART upon leaving. She had followed me in her car so she would not get lost ( it was out in the country ), but I went to meet my Artist's Way Group and she went into the party which had started. (It was all day long!) My tboyfriend had been to her house before in fact a few months earlier, when my bestie had been helping her out and she loaned my bestie her car.

My now current boyfriend helped my bestie return the car and visited with our mutual friend ( the beautiful lady I walk with); and so when he arrived at the birthday party he recognized her and went over to join her and her family at the table they were at.

He enjoyed their company and vice versa;

and then she left- she could not stay too long; but as she left she recalls meeting ART as he was arriving and had some interaction with her! HA HA
She recalled he was handsome, and also somewhat sarcastic,

which I thought funny

as at the end of the party- Art and my current boyfriend and I all sat and got a flight of wine and drank together! I very rarely drink but that night did. It is so ironic now that I think of it.

I distinctly recalled my now boyfriend had told us that very night that he had been sober for a time ( maybe only 30 days?) That he has a best friend who was stopping drinking and he was in solidarity also not drinking in support.
Maybe two months sober? Maybe three?? I forget but at least 30 days.

He said he would love to drink with us; as it had been a while- and he would enjoy that respite from the sobriety.

We did have a really enjoyable fun time!! I know I journaled about it and it will be funny to go find it. We also then were joined by the company of the guy that was the DJ for the late part of the night. He was a blast. Very talented and he bought another flight and drank with us then as the night wore on , the kinda after party to the party until the place clearly wanted to close up. My bestie's kid is the manager there, which is why she wanted to have the party at that winery.

It was really so lovely.

And ironic I met my love that night but did not even know it yet.
I liked him that night.

But Art was the focus of my attention romantically at the time because he and I did have a deep shared love years ago and I guess it made sense that when I WAS READY for a relationship, and he came into my life I wanted to explore that possibility. I feel like I needed to do that to be really ready for this relationship. It makes sense to me. I got ART out of system so to speak. NO lingering "What if?"

Now there is just a
"HELL NO"

I feel like now I could run into him again and it would be comfortable ( for me.) We did have one phone call and it was comfortable, as friends. So I know if we ran into each other it would be totally fine. And I know we could be friends at some point without issue. I just think best to give more time before even attempting such but if I ever were to have a gathering I would be comfortable inviting him once I know it would not break his heart and know he moved on.

YEAH It is time for dinner. I have been hungry for the past two hours. I ate a sandwhich , but then walked and it was not enough.

My sweet, sweet boyfriend gave me a ride to work and brought me flowers! (Today is our anniversary date of dating! HE said "For yesterday" LOL We don't have many disagreements, but one apparently is our Anniversary date! We went round and round to try to figure out what that date should be:

Should it be the first DATE?
The first KISS

WHEN I KNEW???

I mean I think for most folks that fall in love there is a literal MOMENT of the act of the actual falling. I mean ... it just HAPPENS... beyond reason

Now I know this does not happen for everyone. But it has happened for me.

I mean I can tell you the moment I fell in love with my first husband
and the moment I fell in love with my second husband

and the moment there was this spark and shift and I KNEW there was something special about this man I am now seeing. It was different each time. On this third occasion I KNEW the exact moment there was a strong mutual attraction, which just felt different. I mean so hard to explain why it felt so different. Different than anyone dated... well since my Ex husband, and then Art.

Yeah I fell for Art unequivocally; but I could not CHOOSE to have a relationship that was unhealthy.

We don't choose who we fall in love with;
but we choose whether to have the relationship or not.

Now not everyone experienced that kinda of FALL. I know this. There is sometimes a slow simmer until the being in love comes to full maturation. Or slow growth, until it ripens.
Those kinds of love are sometimes the best for life companionship. I could have chosen to say YES to more than one I did really love who I had that kind of love with.

BUT, I knew the difference. I wanted the difference because I experienced it before so I knew of its possibility.

I feel very fortunate in that respect.

Not everyone has such gifts in life of falling in love like that. It happened to me more than once and for that I am profoundly grateful.

The interesting thing is I also knew of its possibility but did not necessarily think it would happen TO ME Again. BUT I WANTED that possibility for the man I said no to. The one I let go who would have been a wonderful father ( he loved my kids); spouse and partner in life. I just felt HE DESERVED someone who got butterflies in their stomach the way I do when I think of my boyfriend.
I felt he deserved more than I could give him; as my heart was not aligned with his.

I did not love him the way he loved me. It still pains me to think of how devastated he was. I mean I have no issue with any other break up but that man was so in love with me, and so good to me, that it still gives an ache when I think about it.

SIGH
I hate I hurt anyone that deeply.
I once before felt such sorrow at ending a relationship; and it was my first boyfriend- which now that I think of it- is still a dear friend. Time healed his wounds and we are friends to this day.  

YEAH time to eat!!! (I am writing this while manning the desk at the skilled nursing facility tonight.)

Oh did I mention I was given lovely flowers and chocolate AND coffee to celebrate our love?

*which my boyfiend handed to me saying "for yesterday"
and I was thinking "Wait... its today"

but did not say it, just kinda chuckled. I Thought we settled on celebrating on the 2nd. He apparently forgot and recalled the first?

We kinda have a joke we can celebrate our anniversary anytime from the 31 to the 2nd.

*first time hung out? ( when the "moment" we both KNEW mutual attraction happened.. in our case we were with friends)
*When it was clear because of talking alone for hours
* First Kiss

We both voted DOWN the first "official" date ( which waa the week afterwards). That was long after we KNEW. We had stayed up ALL NIGHT talking, when my friend was crashing at his place ( his is one of her couch surfing spots); we had planned a "Slumber Party" Game night with both us gals planning on camping out in his living room ( which we did)
But he and I really clicked; she had fallen asleep deeply during a movie we watched;
and we talked almost all night long. Then he said in what I think was the most romantic thing ever
"Can we take a walk to watch the sunrise? I would like to kiss you then if that is alright"

And I said "YES"
and we went to bed
him up to his room
me in the living room

(Where NO, I could barely sleep a wink)

and he came downstairs before sunrise (530 ish) and I got up and we went for a walk to the park near his house where this is a little gazebo, and we sat and watched the sunrise and shared what was the most intense, beautiful, soulful kiss I have ever in my life experienced.


YEAH that was on the 2nd. ( I think?? LOL)
He gave me the flowers and chocolate and coffee right on time! * So sweet he honors this every month!

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