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2023-12-03 - 10:30 p.m.

Some things need not be shared qith my boyfriend I suppose.

I am deleting this email

rather editing

Here is what it said " link for Kanopy  Free streaming via public library

Thanks for watching the documentary with me. Even though it feels crappy afterwards. (that is part of life)
And yes it is possible I forgot something. IT is possible I remember EXACTLY when I put things away, the bills I had been working on, and paperwork on my desk, the computer in the drawer and then shutting the roll top as I did not want it all out in the open when gone...
BUT possible I then wanted to get one more thing done? Possible I am just forgetting another action?  Maybe  I thought I could do one more thing that required the computer and pulled it out cause the other was packed away in bag to leave and somehow I thought it would be faster to use the one right there at the desk I was at?

MAYBE I Decided no I did not have time ( but forget that whole moment that happened and then also forgot to put it away and close my desk?Despite it being true I had the experience I do recall just moments before?)
I suppose it is possible
and I suppose you saying maybe I am just forgetting something is not the same as gaslighting me and saying what I am remembering might be wrong. Its saying I could be forgetting something MORE that happened. ( Which is different than misremembering)
I think that is a distinction I can live with. Without feeling so bad.
I guess I just hoped to end the time with you on a good note... sorry I mentioned the computer to you.
And I think the fixing up the computer for X is somewhat triggering. Maybe I made a mistake of mentioning that to  them and then it triggered them as well. 
I have not gotten a call back from them. But maybe I should not assume.... not project my trauma onto them.
Maybe no issue?  And they are just just busy? OR I called the wrong time... etc....
I got a nice pic from them wearing the ,,, ,ok  case it point yeah my memory can suck too... it took me a good minute to recall the name of SIMPSONsthe simpsons PJS
So its just a PTSD moment for me. It happens.
I just hate the way they feel. Back tightens upetc...but I try to ignore them and just acknowledge I don't really have to worry about active concerns   no one is interferening... it is not a real threat at this point in life. Just silly to have concern or wonder if someone was here.Just that the body goes into the physical state of stress I guess  and it feels crappy."

YEAH That was what I started to write as the email.


" link for Kanopy  Free streaming via loudoun county public library

Thanks for watching the documentary with me. Even though it feels crappy afterwards."

I just have to respect my boyfriend's healthy and normal boundary that he wants to go home so he can get his shit done. That is important.

And I can't rely on him for my emotional well being. I have to be responsible for my own well being. I have to push through the PTSD moments when they happen.

Its just shitty when it does happen. The fear of being hacked
Fear of lack of privacy and of intrusion for some unknown reason. It is just like this SMALL MOMENT of the thought triggered by some small thing- related to technology...

just a small moment. To articulate it too much gives it too much weight.

EVEN though when in the PTSD moment the weight of it-or rather the pressure of it seems so damn heavy.
Like my back is so tense right now.
The fear so palpable

Its so annoying when the body goes into this state.
It feels very acute right now. I don't want to necessarily let on. Its just my own issues. The fact I felt very abandoned in the moment of him leaving. He did spend time with me at my place after work and we watched a film I picked.

It just was not enjoyable.
I mean we were watching a documentary called "Life in Occupied Palestine"

so no wonder my body just went into fight or flight mode.

It should not be a surprise. But we did both want to learn more and we read some articles as well.
BUT it was that my boyfriend wanted to LEAVE right after it was over !! THAT just SUCKED for me.
I just wanted him to stay; felt like I NEEDED him to stay in the moment. But I don't SHOW externally I suppose what is happening in my body. I don't think it is obvious. I feel like it must have been transparent when I looked at him in sheer terror at one point- and I think when he joked?? joked about how he had biked all the way here and messed with my computer and WHEW lucky he got home right before I did with his car borrowed. HE was trying to be silly and help me feel better. Sometimes that works but it did not at that moment ( mabybe cause the fear was not of hiim being the one to mess with it. NO this fear had nothing to do with him in the present.) BUT
maybe it was only obvious to me.
Not to him at all.
Maybe he did not sense or see the terror; which likely is just as well anyway. It is not about him; and I don't need to make it anything that is his responsibility in any way.It is singularly mine.
Mine to deal with alone.
Some things are not to be shared.
I am tired- think now can sleep; it just took a while to let go of the intense tension, the what feels like locking up of my upper back muscles and jaw (trying not to clench) Heck my whole body feels so tightened and tense.

AH tensing with INTENTION then RELEASE relaxing the muscles with intention helps.

BREATHING also helps
YES A few deep breaths now///

Tighten muscles and release
cry- let tears come a bit now ( HA HA when I write that- think two tear drops. Seriously. I am not a cryer... like... its just a leak)


OK think good now....

Good enough
I just would have PREFERRED to have my boyfriend holding me. BUT He wanted to go home.
And I think he did not know
And its got to be ok he doesn't know

It has got to be ok i did not tell him.

It is a fear of not knowing the whole story. I mean if there were surveillence in my home it would be likely PROTECTIVE from someone who felt this family needed protection. I mean I always felt that was the INTENT but it is nonetheless CREEPY when not agreed to or known about That is the thing. You don't watch people without there consent. It does something to them. Its really fucked up. And the fact my EX used to set up shit to do that is still tramatizing to me. The fact he did it and later told me is still fucking traumatizing Cause he did it and then in the divorce it was fucking used nefariously ( I mean the fucking mind games; gaslighting etc then) Damn its been damn near 20 years. Right? WTF I am adding to this entry the next AM upon waking at 7:50 AM cause yeah I fell asleep but awoke still unraveling this latest PTSD moment. I distinctly recall having put my computer away. BUT I maybe took it out again? This is what freaks me. It is the one computer I ONLY Use for work. I don't use it for ANYTHING ELSE. I don't use it on the weekend. I was tempted to in getting ready to go for a walk with my friend who I was picking me up for the walk to the park with our dogs. I distictly recall that - but it was simply as I looked in my work bag to be ready for work just after- and saw the charger to the one I use all the time but in a moment I did not see my LAPTOP that I regularly use. I distinctly then recall considering but deciding NO- I AM NOT going to watching Netflix on the machcine that I DID GIVE PERMISSION TO BE MONITORED EXTERNALLY BY A COMPANY I SUPPORT As when I configured that machine it had been used already ( I bought a refurbished computer cheap $330 which I swear is my price point for laptops. Think never paid more for one)- and Microsoft was already installed on it as the operating system and the only way I could figure out ( with my skill set/knowledge) to get it to work was to log in with the BUSINESS issued microsoft email that requires signing off YES to the disclaimer that "this is company property"...etc.. under the assumption the company just issued the computer (Which I had just bought ; used ,refurbished from the manufactuerer). Heck in my paranoia I was doing mad research to find a computer that actually meet security requirements; did not have parts made in China (Do you know HOW HARD it is to meet this requirement ? I swear when anyone takes security seriously and actually really cares about things like the drones ... remember the drones revealed? ( I hate to say discovered as it was not really unknown that the wars today are TECHNOLOGICAL and that survellience is really ubuiqitous at this point) YEAH I mean I usually am Ok with this sense that we live in a modern world where there is a belief in the necessity for surveillence for safety. I am no conpiracy theorist but practical. I had friend back in my day of master gardener association work who had worked at the CIA during her career and who was really off.. mentally.. that is... in some ways BUT A sweet; although quirky odd and not quite "normal" person. She has been a graphic artist for them for years before retirement. Her husband as well. She said the whole damn local office she worked out of ( as the graphic artist doing admin kinda stuff/ internal communicaitons corporate stuff) were just NUTS by the end of their careers All , as she said batshit crazy at times with mental health issues I am glad I have met other retirees who do not look paranoid BUT she said knowlege of the things they had to work on was heavy and it made them not feel safe. yeah I used to think my ex was nuts he was paranoid HE was crazy I hate that after the experiences of his hyervigilance with his family that I am still having PTSD moments I used to WANT to think he was CIA as then it gave at least SOME rational for his behavior and the way he treated me. Then I figured that was just my nutty delusion to feel better about it- about the things that happened. The strking me with fist The Punch to my head The crashing of picture frame over my head which all happened on 9 11 One year before the bombing of Pentagon on 9 11 I later rationalized he had to have worked in communications The date was warned but a whole year before but the hit did not come for another year BUT it was just some fucked up rationale as who GETS PUNCHED on their fucking birthday??? by their HUSBAND??? I had to accept he just really had no emotional control and got that upset because even though he was not ready to go when our friends came to pick us up and go out for my birthday to a jazz concert when a friend of ours came to babysit HE GOT ENRAGED that I said if he did not want to go that I would just go with her and not ditch the couple we were going out with WHO WERE WAIting for us. It was so weird that whole meltdown he had and the violence that ensued cause I left and went out without him OH but he had hit me BEFORE- the night before maybe? Or earlier ? When getting ready to leave? I just know I left and was in shock and recall distinctly he had hit me before I left as was shell shocked feeling OK I hate I fucking relive those moments It makes sense to me I GET it this is what trauma I had to look it up- not 20 that was an estimate FUCKING TWENTY THREE YEARS AGO come on now PTSD Leave me the FUCK ALONE ITS been too damn long that you are still with me Just leave me the fuck alone already. YOu are an unwanted visitor in my home Why the fuck do you visit me IN MY OWN FUCKING HOME? STILL? I just want my boyfriend to spend time with me here I think cause I want to someday feel safe in my own fucking home and for some reason in this relationship I DO FEEL SAFE but I want him here with me to help that YEAH I know I feel safe when in his arms I hope not misplaced love and trust and I WISH I could kick the PTSD moments ALONE that would be healthier for sure; so I try. It fucking sucks And if my EX were/is CIA and there is a network for protection Well FUCK YOU ALL For not telling me I might not have fucking PTSD if I KNEW I MEAN FUCK YOU you could have just fucking told me. And then I might not have to fucking write theraputically. That is for the "WHAT IF" I met a dude who told me recently , It is sitting with me, I have his business card- "I found out after my father's death he was CIA" I was like "you have got to be fucking kidding me. you are not helping my mental wellness this moment; cause I have this fear those close to me are all CIA but I want to know WHY I feel like never safe and under survellence" Surveillance is a funny thing It is DESIGNED for safety YET if under survellience unknoingly that act is the one which makes people feel most unsafe Tenants of Democracy are in fact interestingly hypocritical As our foundation of Democracy is Freedom YET To have the very existance of any Democracy requires limits on freedom; tactics and methods for protection which in and of themselves; without context are voilating maybe always violating, even in context? ITs like we can accept limtis on freedom , autonomy when we wilfully CHOOSE them for a greater good individually or collectively community wise BUT when someone imposes them on us and we don't know; or don't undersand the reasoning then it is a situation which can make us feel very violated and unsafe. Why do I write here my thoughts? BECAUSE it is the one thing that still makes me feel SAFE KNOWING there is this space of autonomy of me being really me and not being controlled and having my own voice EVEN The small, crazy in a tiny moment thoughts that may be unhinged in a minute, irrational if not true. BUT if true are then just plain threatening somehow? I don't know, maybe they are not? BUT I KNOW this I fucking put my computer away and was intentional about being sure all my paperwork was UNDER COVER of the closed desktop BECAUSE I HAVE A NEW TENANT IN MY BASEMENT and I don't know all about him. I know enough I TRUST him enough of course of he would not be living in this space. I actually APPRECHIATE him much hell he is the bus driver of the public bus I ride to get around when I don't have a car. The same bus I rode FOR YEARS to get me to my job that helped me buy this house. I believe in support of those in community keeping essential infrastucture running that help the community- but particularlly the poor Libarays public transportation Hell I don't care if some drivers are cliking that little counter thing 5 times when I get on ( HA HA Not this driver, but I swear one did that once... now maybe he forgot to do it before... but since I was the only one on the bus that day more like he wants to keep his job) I don't care... HA even if noticed... Cause you know I think the damn bus that runs and even picks up ONLY a handful of the ladies who bus in to work at my local McDonalds where the serve food all day to others ( and especially as they put up with the assholes of the world who are fucking rude and say "Don't you even speak ENGLISH????") IS WORTH Running even if its only riders for a few hours were those few ladies!! Fucking working poor need a way to get to work Let keep people working ON a completely different topic I dropped AAA as it was autorenewing I saw the about $300 charge that was going to autorenew DEC 1 and dropped it. I can't afford it just now. I had forgotton that I had a promo call to add someone onto the policy once; even after I added household members- and the sales person was like "YEAH YOU can add members who don't live with you who are family" ummm...technically wrong.... BUT she did not care as was in a call center and wanted the positive review and credit for upgrade. I FORGOT that I actually had on my AAA POLICY FOUR of us!! HA HA I cancelled , and confirmed who was cancelled and then heard FOUR names and realized DAMN $300 for all four of us was not such a bad deal- BUT I don't want to spend that now. I will sign up again when have my own car. Was thinking I am not driving. BUT THEN kinda forgot that I DO DRIVE NOt often, but I borrow my boyfriends' car. I was just on a kick of paying bills and seeing if can reduce any expenses. Just now don't want to be making too many donations. Not til increase income. THank GOD for my DOG Time to walk Bellatrix She can get me out of my head and outside into nature.

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