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2024-02-11 - 5:28 p.m.

OmG. Found another video


Nothing really bad

But just directly speaking to my young lover.

I have to be VERY careful as curating ALBUMS to save and share and these little surprises 😮 of actually beautiful messages are there admit the pics..

I mean this one is just lovely

But inappropriate.

But surrounded by other images.

Oh my.

Figure out reason this one exists is the SIZE

Was too much. Too large to be sent via Instagram.


Sometimes I am too much....I know that.

I have to say I am SO lucky with the love ❤️ I have found as he accepts me and loves me

And is so responsive to my needs.

Of course informed by my physicality of missing him I REALLY missed him not being willing to come hang at my house last night.

Everyone needs personal space and we both respect each other's space. My issue however is that I always, I mean almost always, like 99% of time...I could count

Ok I just did just count. Ran actual #s so as not to exaggerate

Actual #s
Figure 4 nights a week I stay at his place 2 or 3 home at my house.
I told him I could count how many times he stayed over on one hand and he said " Seven. It's been seven times"
Ok then
Rounding...honestly this is maybe low 😳 but based on eight months

95% of time when we are together it is at his house.

Now I like his home.

But I want to spend time with my kid and my dog AND HIM in my home.

I like my kid has space and I know I am not nagging her when gone. I like there are two really nice housemates, one a friend her age, the gal she enjoys companionship with.

But I really want his companionship on a lazy Sunday morning when I don't have to work and once in a while his company with me at church. Only once in a while as it's not his thing.
I just want to share what is important with me once in a while.

It's a funny thing but the only time I ever feel lonely in a relationship is if my partner is not entering my world and it feels one sided. Now our relationship does not feel one sided overall. He plans and we do much around MY family, my world. It is very balanced. I just want to have him there some Sunday mornings.

So I told him this and he is so responsive and loving.

I am sure also being preposition by another man I had an actual loving relationship with as my lover made me terribly miss him too. Hel I can go literally month without having much libido
That has happened!
And I have many interests and friends to connect with and so enjoy doing things alone and for me sexuality is inherently loving expression in relationship. SO I tell him never worry about meeting all my needs mean sexually I am fine without sex.
But. When a former lover propositioned me...and it really was a misunderstanding

My bad judgment call too

( He apologized and I said no offense taken...get it he misread intent)

Oh my it just kicked up my libido, his unabashed asking me to be with him again and THEN made me very frustrated thinking of how my boyfriend still avoids staying at my home!!

Plain and simple: Parents learn to get comfortable with sex as part of life even when others around.

Adults who have dated a single parent often figure that out too...

BUT some without that experience are less comfortable with others being around.

My boyfriend just has not had the experience of growing in his own comfort level of being sexual around kids is my take. I see it as an area of growth for him to be honest, to not find shame in our shared sexuality and our lives being expressed by sexual and sensual normal behaviors and expression.

In other matter ones age, comfort with their sexuality in my mind is a growth process.

And YES there are some very precocious who mature far too early for that to really be emotionally healthy in my view.

But who am I to judge? I was sorta a late bloomer.
Main point here that no matter what age, we don't grow in this are of life until ( typically) the time and relationship is right;
And in my boyfriend's particular growth curve , having children or being a partner of a lover with children is just not in his experience. As lovers, as partners, we ALL have areas in our own sexual knowledge and comfort zones where we can grow
We may not choose to grow in all possible ways! ( Setting boundaries is very important!)

But the thing is, I want my boyfriend to spend time in my home. We don't have to have sex! We can just cuddle! I just want to hold his hand as we fall asleep and that would be enough!!

I can respect his boundaries of him not being comfortable when there are other folks in my home being Shamelessly loud..

Ha ha. If you have not watched that show its hella fun and hilarious.

I think he worries too much and is avoidant of this one thing of sleeping in my home. The college student has been gone now since Fall so that lack of consideration on the part of that kid was not the actual main issue. That situation changed but he still avoids staying overnight. He says it's because he gets insomnia too, and when at home the he can get things done

BUT, in my observation he actually slept well more often than not when he stayed at my house. Twice he did have trouble falling asleep but the other times I swear he slept soundly !

One thing I do know is his insomnia and his sleeping habits remarkably improved since being in relationship with me. But of late he is up nights working non stop. This worries me. I don't want him to become unhealthy. He has had better sleeping habits overall. I feel like as I am becoming more familiar to him, as the newness of our love starts to mellow with familiarity and get less exciting as familiar, his overactive brilliant mind us starting yo ve engaged again with focus on his creative work and he is having trouble shutting it off.

Yes I have a thing for brilliant men. But yeah the creative geniuses I fall for also often have ( ok besides Alcoholism....perhaps what contributed to that in some), an intense hyper focused special interest they obsess on.
Yeah, I can call it " special interests"

And think of one of my older kids who met him and commented " the 'tism is strong ".


Hell my Buffalo guy has an INCREDIBLE collection of saved plastic rings from bottles, and other bits of colored plastic which he color coded and sorted in jars lined up for some art project one day made of recycled ♻️ materials....

He is a gifted photographer who starred his promotion business to use his graphic design skills...well simply as he started doing that in college yo help out and it grew into a life. The business became his life....simply as he was / is Aldo am alcoholic so it was better for him to keep working for himself. ( After years of bartenders and managing a liquor store. He once turned down a job offer to manage a CVS- 30 plus years ago....I am sure because that waking up to work at 8 or 9am just made ot not worth it).

But I digress.

I guess it's just interesting to realize autism in high functioning folks is still not recognized. A friend posted about watching some reality show about dating with autism. I watched it and felt it still shows folks more overtly autistic than the many I know also on the spectrum.

Anyway, my boyfriend is so very sweet and thoughtful to have let me know he heard my request ( texted to him about how I really want him to stay at my place on a Sat night and go to church with me some Sunday AM).

OmG I just realized a big part of my second marriage problems were that my 2nd husband ALSO had hang ups about sex/ intimacy at all around kids. Hell that was a major source of tge demise of our marriage. I mean his being physically and then also emotionally distant in every possible way and then his frustration turned into anger.

It's like this toxic thing that can happen with some Christian upbringing in which sex is so taboo.

Wow, I wonder if sex Ed for PARENTS, for ADULTS , could reduce domestic violence?

I am serious here. Not kidding.

A Unitarian Universalist church in Buffalo NY had such great sex Ed call for adults! Their OWLS program..." Our Whole Lives" if I recall.

I just wonder how much frustration turns to anger for many men?

Funny I got do bored with the guy who was so exploratory and wanted to listen to the podcast " Sex With Emily " cause the relationship...I don't know...lacked foundation. Hit was like he hasn't baked the cake and was obsessively about wanting to try every possible icing.

Misplaced interest. Obsessive. That was all icing ..and I got bored and was so done with it relatively quickly.

All things in balance. ..
And a time and place for all things ...right

Ok in other news, tomorrow I work in morning but am meeting a friend for an afternoon hike. Mondays often meet one friend and her son for a walk and/ or lunch ( during winter). Tomorrow going to check out a park in the town my boyfriend lives in. ( Heck pretty much where I live too as half my week there at work and stay with him often.)

No scratch that.

It is still very much the Batchelor pad. Lol.

I am a visitor.

See this is the trouble: he is very spoiled by me because my one job I work starts before the bus route so it made such sense for me to crash at his place before the early AM shift! If I take the bus from my town I start 30 minutes later. It impacts flow of the morning a bit. They are great about me coming in late actuslly..

That is the PRN role as I fill in for their full time gal. So some weeks not there at all. But then I also work a few evenings as the nursing director recruited me at the nursing home. They were really desperate for help and I Said yes cause it's an evening shift and I intended to do a bait and switch and Bring one of my kids in to interview!! Lol

But, It's such a great job. I mean chill...I can read and write and practice guitar in between answering phones and greeting people.

I am able to write tonight as everyone is home watching the Super bowl 🏈 and all the calls abd visitors for mist part already happened as I sit here and man the phones.

Oh but back to the man cave I visit.

It is a total man cave. It's also a small home. 800 square feet I think?

I have a couple shelves and two drawers and 4 inches of hanging space on his clothing rack and a beautiful steel pan drum he bought me as a thoughtful gift and space In a corner for my shoes and guitar, a chair to sit in and a desk to share which I take over as needed to work at my consulting work.

It's enough; its comfortable.

But yeah it is still very much his home. Hmmm. He doesn't have a junk drawer, more like a junk shelf. Maybe I should use one of my two shelves for actual books of mine? That will make it feel more like a shared space than me visiting his home. ( He talks of it sometimes as "our" home which is sweet- but no, it's his.)

So today my kid was up when I left and is on dog caring duty tomorrow.

I do look forward to seeing my boyfriend tonight after work. Have to work early so won't stay up too late bit honestly been missing him. I worked alot this week so even though was at his house a few nights , he also was working alot ( he works from home) and I felt like we were ships passing in the night so to speak this week. THATS TOTALLY OK sometimes! But I just need his attention and time now so can't wait to see him tonight.

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