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2024-02-11 - 8:53 a.m.

I hate deleting photos or video 📹 that were taken or made to capture moments and memories.

YET I am not very good at doing anything with the pictures I take! They sit on my phone until I am trying to take more pictures and have no capacity.

Have to get rid of the old to have room for the new!!


In EVERY respect




I am very good at that.

Yeah, anyone who ever struggled with the aftermath of trauma and tendency to disassociate is great at that!
Thst is why some become so dangerously narcissistic I believe!
I think it's one adaptation of unhealed trauma

Dissociation to point of bring so completely self centered. Can't really emotionally connect with others or think of them

So ...all this as preface as it was likely a really bitchy
And perhaps a bit of a narcissistic move
Yeah only self centered and not being considerate enough...
Not really narcissistic

Not quite right word
But not being really mindful

And just perhaps oh my gosh
Other than impulsive and dumb
Oh my

Maybe yeah narcissistic is spot on? Self serving?

Ok maybe also a touch of passive aggressive if truly honest? 🤔 yeah. Maybe?

That when cleaning my phone I was surprised 😲 there was actually still one sexy video made a few yrs ago for the young lover

Ok I am fully clothed. Have to add caveat here

Was on back porch wearing a pair of jeans and comfy shirt and the clothes never show any skin whatsoever but still...
Think of the old movies 🎬
Some of the sexiest shots were those that left suggestion and your imagination filled in the rest

It was that kinda thing
Designed for the pleasure of my then lover a few yrs ago

Which suppose 🤔 was not an overtly sexy video by the still image of it never got deleted

SO I also know it never has been sent
CAUSE I deleted any of that kinda playful sexual communication with him

So this is the bad part
I did not watch the video.
But sent it

It was in my phone trash and I just watched it and was like. Oh fucking crap. THAT went too far. I had no idea what was actually in it other than he thumbnail and knew it was a flirty thing...but oh went you far. Appropriate then but Hella too far and not appropriate for now.

Since he did recently actually send me a text from his cell # which I was surprised 😮 by asking if we could meet for tea....very cordial , polite

And I said yes, it would be nice to catch up thinking no idea what he wanted to talk about. He KNOWS I am in a very happy committed relationship ( so I thought) and he has always been REALLY GOOD with boundaries 😊 ( Hell why it was so great to have the fling with him!! He gets it!! And at that time of life I loved that he was available to meet my needs then True...we both enjoyed that)

Well since he sent the text on his actual cell phone, I guess I assumed he would not try to go there....with trying to be sexual. He did not use cell phone for that! Other platforms. One and done , poof , gone

But he did go there ... and did start to initiate asking if I wanted to not just meet as friends. ...but getting ahead of self here in tge telling of this. ( Confessing really! I just went too far in responding to him) .
First of all we planned to meet at a coffee shop mid day right before I go go work last week. For safe measure I told him to meet me at the Catholic coffee shop!!

he canceled cause he forgot a Dr appt
( and trust that was true)
But we were then connected on his phone ( never had been before really).

I let it be. Figured if he only wanted to reconvene having me as a lover he would stand down and I would not hear from him again as I made it clear " Friend Zone".

But then I was obsessively doing the phone dump of my pictures.

So I had two pictures. Sent the first. Not the video initially. First was a photo.

Of a place outdoors
A beautiful spot where we had actually walked and then screwed around the first time together.

I mean it was a photo of our memory

Shared memory no one else has or could or would know of

I mean even now if read this.

Some things remain private

Sacredly shared in a very special real way between two people which were magical moments.

I feel like as we age it is important to capture such memories for self.

I don't trust I WONT forget.

I want to be able to go back when 90 and read these words and remember the time I felt incredibly beautiful and sexy and desired and loved

Yes loved

And wild
It was wild

Once in a lifetime

No matter it was not a committed relationship

That intensity of they surety of absolute lust undenied


Which happened because of such trust and feeling of secure and safe with each other

Yes love ❤️ of a kind.

Not the foundation of long term commited life paetnership kind... i am a realist.
But, the kind of being fully seen and admired and yes loved in the sense that we would take care of each other's sharing and migling of whole selves for the moment ( missing all sorts of the ingredients for a really deep partnership, love- ingredients my relationship with my boyfriend and I share HAS...but that's another topic for another entry).

The lust and desire for each other, this young lover and I, back then was intensified post pandemic.

I mean the starving for touch of him
The starving for meaningful connection of me

The falling for each other
In that moment
A fantasy come real

Something neither of us thought possible but both secretly dreamed

In a fantasy


It was special.

So we canceled tea last week. I knew if he wanted to meet as a friend he would hit me up again and we did talk politely, boundaries fully respected so I figured of he wants to really be a friend

Not a lover
As years have passed

I am open to that

We get each other. He is capable of female friendships as unlike Art he is not old world ....I fontvknow the right word ...misogynistic is not quite right... chavanistic too light...sonething i. Between the two...( I swear Art just is in some waysp...well forget thst past ... forget that line of thought)
So I sent the photo of the place we shared our time

The space

The memory

Thinking he might like the picture too but I don't want to keep it. I wanted to delete it from my phone but not its possibility of existence if it held meaning and if it would bring him joy.

My intent was to make him smile

Not to lead on...

Thinking he was really in safe space of friend zone and would just be happy with memory of past.

But damn man are well, different than women and I should know this and know better.

He started his old style texting. Which always just first made me laugh
But then if he kept going in his chosen language. ..which turns not only him on but heck we aRe creatures of habit and conditioning

I tHOUGHT it was SAFE withr aligned expectations
Friends only
Really just doing the phone dump

But I sent the video also and had not actually watched it

Too far...
I went too far

I had actually DELETED that first and not sent it cause well, My first instinct was to delete. But then as he sent texts I just deleted.
Or then responded basically " Sorry I really dont mean to tease"....but wanted to leave this image 4 you ( of the place).

I guess I just thought he would smile not be suddenly in a ridiculously horney state!

The worst part of it was he did turn me on

Even though when I reiterated I AM REALLY HAPPY AND IN LOVE ❤️ with my guy

He said " I call bull shit. You just texted me that picture "

Meaning of the place

I reiterated I really just wanted him to have that to be happy recalling PAST
Not seeking anything now

He then did stand down and stopped and was ok with me but did declare it was a bitch move

I accepted that
And Saud yeah I totally didn't MEAN to fucking play with him

Not intended

All was good so I sent the video saying I found and deleted it but knew it was in my trash and recoverable. I basically said since was made for him I would not even watch it cause it's the PAST
And that video was not made for me but for him

Do like a parting gift 🎁 of recall of the good thing shared happy to recover from. Trash send it then delete

Once knew all good

No misunderstanding of intent

No BS to call
💯 happy in my relationship

And no do not want any romantic or sexual interaction with him

But he'll if he actuslly wants a hiking buddy

He is actuslly so fucking good with boundaries to be quite honest once he knows where I am at. And he never wanted , nor seeks a relationship other than a lover without commitment for now. He keeps it real. He is very fulfilled in his work, happy enough in his life with his family he spends time with and a few friends and his hobbies and co-workers and is seriously a gifted artist himself of sorts that requires alot of alone time out in the woods. For real.

He'll I think all things for a reason I find my boyfriend ridiculously 🔥

But in seriousness think would not have but for having the fling with young lover. They are both tall I mean much talker than other men ever dated. Both have long hair. Physically my boyfriend would likely never have caught my eye but for that past guy. They both dress similarly

Very country casual


Men's men style

Very masculine, visceral, country....

Both sensitive and thoughtful and smart and both hooked my own prejudices against guys who look like Huntlly. Good old VA boys. ( Look. Up Huntly if you like music 🎶 He's good! Won ...what's that show? See why I write.... damn.

Lol America's top model comes to mind....ha ha

Brsin still fucking viscerally turned on

And will be til I see my fucking man

Who I am frustrated with....

Just cause dud not see him...ok F..HIM yet!!

Pissed at myself most of all

Cause sure former lover is just fine ....he is good, gets it and no issue all good

But he'll I just watched the damn video I sent
Not nade for my current man

But shit.

Should not have sent it .

Or watched it

Should a fucking deleted it

Cause it made me just miss my guy.

Home cause wanted to spend time with my daughter
Just annoying

Absence makes heart grow fonder? And an ex flirting, well propositioning me makes me horney for my guy
Sex onThe brain

Going to church now
And I think I am going to really focus on learning Fiona Apples Criminal

( SoNG I actuslly can put emotion behind for real now....even though know young past lover is all good and not really emotion messed with. Can pretend cause it was a bitch move and he coulda been. It waa stupid and careless)

Oh in other news making other uneventful progress with the phone dump. But it is SO laborious and slow!!! Started with oldest photos , some nice from self care days. Was having Hella time getting anything saved in Google Drive.

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