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2024-03-27 - 11:20 a.m.

5 minute break only

Just to capture moment:

Expired Lithium still works well

I found a few from back in 2020

I seem to have a pattern of seeking help or feeling the need about once every five years! HA HA

Funny I have a great psychiatrist can go to once every 5 yrs
Get meds
Get help needed

till ok then stop

and she is like "You are doing well! come back if needed; but if not keep on doing what is working"
Which is eating right, exercise, sleeping
but taking time for self care and nurturing.

Nurturing friends; maintaining healthy relationships ( whether it was chosen lovers; or with kids- family doing best can; connecting with family- bros and parent(s)


It is VERY clear to me that at least this psychiatrist undertands trauma. She is an expert in PTSD

I think she just went with the bipolar label given by other drs as it is a concvieient way to keep giving me the med for my PTSD that WORK when needed.

She knows what works for me

and she also knows I am FINE when not on meds-
which is not the case for ACTUAL bipolar illness.

I did much reading about PTSD which I had not done in the past. I mean in recent years read more about it; whereas I think 15 yrs ago I was reading to educate about this diagnosis of bi-polar.

WHICH CAME after I had the experience of hands on throat threatening

Fear of breath ending
Fear of being killed

The crazy thing is that all these years later; when have a PTSD trigger then my brain goes into that paranoid state of terror at moments.

and the heightened almost constant state of feeling anxious.

It interfered with my focus on getting work done. I exhausted myself using all the energy I could for a challenging negotiation.

I am kinda proud I am good at that. I hold the line when needed with Tenacity.

* REading a book about Israels history trying to understand why anyone thinks at all that Israel is not commiting heinous genocide
and trying to be sure not ignoring any context and history
and trying to wrap my mind arboud how a rise in antisemitism ( recent AltanticI think)
can be true
at the same time of a Genocice of Palestine as a nation ( can also be true)

And I think it is quite irrelevant WHEN Palestine as a nation existed
BUT SOME thing that just because it was a new country that would justify the annihilation of its people.

I don't get it
EVEN IF it is a country actually made of immigrants. ( interesting in reading the book I have on the Yom Kipper War- which I feel quilty I am a slow reader as MORE should really read more to understand history-

have to read alot of different sources As ALL BIASED to some extent

well, some of the key players came to Palestine as immigrants

AND some came to ISRAEL as immigrants

NO Different from how our USA is made of immigrants.

It think the argument's about history really BS

NO history justifies genocide.


BUT I at least would LIKE to be knowledgeable so i have some tools to debunk some arguments of others It is in my lawyer brain nature to want to go to sources and get it- fully understand- and have primary sources to back my rebuttals.

My memory sucks or I know I could win any debate. I mean no question.
Its just something I am good at cause I obsess and dig up facts and question theory and premises not based on fact. And cause I look at multiple sources --

OK that sounds so egotistical

BUT in any case; this kind of thinking is EXHAUSTING

So I was so ready to return the book and not finish and think
;what a waste of energy

cause kids are being killed and I am better off with the Lenten Book Club book also reading; and the Bible

and getting a massage this week ( i have a Groupon that was not honored and they tried to get out of them cause it was a massive fail- a loss they could not absorb for the whole massage at the price point Group on sold MANY for some tiny massage practice then flooded. So they said "Sorry we cant' do the massage but its value is good for a discount" I saved it to go in and get the discount and pay difference. I got it- they did not know how to read small print and feel for a shitty Groupon contract that this small business could not get by if honor. It was a SALE marketing push Groupon did I do believe they did not understand would happen! It has no expiration for the value of what paid. "

So my mental health plan this week after exercise, sleep and eating well failed ( sleep was not BAD but not great!)

AFTER A major PTSD trigger-

which is hilarious to me is a freaking APP called LIVEN

I mean who knew a freaking APP that is marketed to help with Procrastination would be psyotherapy?

So all this to say, I kinda sped read the book Eighteen Days in October (maybe will finish it but now ok to return it)

and it postuates how although Golda ended in discrace she actually should be acknowleged for having been a fierce effective leader due to her tenacity in negotiation.
She held the line
and the author postulated in negotiaton often it is just holding out that makes the difference.

OK then

That has been my superpower in past in my work. Not yielding to a bad deal

That was validating.

There was pressure for her to give land back ( the land that Israels illeagally took after there was a INTENT of ceasefire and pulling out but they pulled the BD lawyer like move of letter of law saying
"We agreed to pull out troops" and "give back land"
and we pulled out troop

WAHT? you meant ALL troops?

sorry you did not say that

Here is a troop we pulled out
and here is a piece of land we are returning

NAH we are keepign the rest

(oversimplified but that is waht they did. )

I heard this BD tactic on the news again this week. I forget in realtion to what

But its like major negotiatons for COUNTRIES are freaking disingenuous

Its fucking bad negotiation

I NEVER will sign an Agreement if I think both parties are trying to play games like that

That is not a fucking Agreement

Astound me that contract neogtiators have not figured that out. EVEN IF UNCOMFORTABLE
keep coming back to the table until there is ACTUAL agreement and concessions.

Patience is the #1 skill in good negotiation and sound agreements.

SO I am proud I did good work for my client.

We signed the final agreement I negotiated for MONTHS

So I was TIRED from that
then triggered myself

So the Lithium is a nice find. And I am happy it works

Cause when I had the fear of drinking water from my boyfriend at his house that he poured for me afraid he was poisoining me

Well and then when we had an argument and I CALLED HIM my ex husband's name

and the fear of him trying to kill me kicked in

I was like

PTSD sucks
and gotta do something about it.

OK off to the dentist to care for my teeth

THEN back to work

I have a TEDIOuS , call it data analysis project; and confirm document repository is correct with all things filed that need to be filed-
I mean operations integrity things
and I have to be on point for that

I just could not THINK well and was in a heightened anxiety state for the past few days.

WHEW Glad the Lithium worked.
And will try AGAIN to find a real in person therapist that will take my current health insurance
( don't think need my Dr. if see a therapist? Will see. The lithium just a short term couple days band aid glad to have when need it. Swear it works pretty quickly for me which surprised me)

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