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2024-03-27 - 3:12 p.m.

5 min writing as take quick break and steep a cup of ginger tea

Productive Day Working
EVEN with taking off for my dental appt.

I had my dental appt; cleaning.
I have small cavaties I have know about for years. My one dentist was a firm believer in "Wait and See" saying sometimes they calcify

Then another dentist told me I had 4 cavaties that should be filled so they don't get worse and cause problems

Two or three years ago

Last year it was validated by the dentist who is the only one in town that took Medicaid.

He said he would put in the request to see if Medicaid would cover filling them saying it is sound to do so; but not necessarily that they would see it as NECESSARY for health.
I did not hear back. (HE said he would contact me if it was approved)

This dentist first saw the four- her hygenist , dental assistant saw them.

The dental assistant saw a 5th issue- and said "Do you see that?"

The dentist looked and said "Oh yeah- ridges, the filling above protruding a bit. I could file it- oh yeah I see"

Basically a dark spot under- kinda small, hidden but there.

Again NOT critical

I straight up shared the Dentist who's philosophy was "Wait and see" and that I have had the same four tiny cavites for going on 10 yrs or so! LOL
So he was right they may not get worse; may calcify and not be an issue.

BUT I then said how the other dentist strongly recommended filling them- as some were gaps UNDER old fillings and she said the cavity is a vulnerability.
Could get worse and be problematic.
I feel sensitivity in one ( or two) on left side so know need those filled.

I said I wanted to fill ALL while have good dental insurance!

AH!! YES! MY BOSS bought a good policy from Delta Dental! I love saying that- as my boss is actually me!

My company is paying for the Health and Dental insurance!
Totally LEGIT
which seems crazy to me.

But whatever-- LEGAL
KOSHER ( as they say on LI) collouially for "good"/ rich Ny suburb slang

Ah but its is so funny I end up writing about whatever spouts forth and NOT what intended.

Intended to write that I checked the MEETING minutes data from the meeting I run weekly.

I have MONTHS of a teams generated report.

It is eye opening.

I am ALWAYS on time.

Not early.

"JIT" which is my boyfriend's knickname for me/

I mean ALWAYS the first one to join and EXACTLY on time.
With rare exceptions of being 2 minutes early.

ONCE was one minute late over MONTHS of data ( and still first on the call; whew - which is good since the facilitator/host of call).

This is VERY consistent with data pulled the year I had a wacko boss who must have done some reading on the internet and found the years of divorce story slam of shit my Ex said and shit PUBLISHED about me in local papers-
that went viral when I was the mom arrested for kids tardy's to school.

Its a wonder I got my kids to school each day.

When looking back at their autistic persons; ADHD; highly sensitive and also children tramatized by abuse-

Hell its a wonder I got them there at all some times.

One now can't get out of bed.

I worry about ENABLING HER
I worry about CODEPENENCY

as I don't want her to be codependent with me.

I just don't know what to do to help her learn skills.

She is the youngest who learned to keep herself invisible admist the dyfuctional family around her. Some of whom were volitle; Some of whom were chronically ill before she presented as such too; some of whom were the overachieving amazing siblings who got attention and time from me and I think made her feel less valued.

I came her to write about how even thought I have the data and have known for YEARS
I ACTUALLY am not chronically late

I STILL have MAJOr anxiety in order to be on time
and work really hard to be on time

as it is NOT EASY for me
and as a result at times my own self perception does not match reality.

Reality is I am consistenly on time.

I forget this and fall back upon believing the spun story NOT COGNITIVELy BUT in my FEELINGS and in my BODY - the stress. the sense of worry or of feeling shame at running late

EVEN if I am JIT or just a couple minutes early and yeS on the rare occassion 1 or 2 mintues late ( as yeah to WORK I have run late. OH once did run out of time while doing consulting and was 10 minutes late. )

MORE OFTEN however I am on time but FORGET to punch in to that job!! UGh

So annoying.

I have to be really diligent.

I guess all this to say: Its been a very productive day; got some substantial work done from my task list for client.

AND reviewed the data for a REALITY CHECK

to affirm Self I AM DOING ALRIGHT!!


I have three really wonderful kudos on my website from clients. I was terrified to ask for them. But I did and they were so responsive and lovely! EVEN a REALLY NICE review and praise from the last job from the Boss I direct reported to! * Remember it was the other OWNER who kinda spazzed and fired me. I get it. I swear I get it . I see all the PTSD symptoms. I really get it!
I am so glad I am not emotionally erratic in my dealings with others

I have seen leaders and old bosses who are!

Yeah a good day!

* In writing I wondered how misaligned my youngest's view of her self is from HER reality! She is very smart and capable and a wonderful person. She is funny and good company when hanging out doing things- be it baking of watching TV or game playing or when she does go out with her friends.
Her best friend is basically here at the house all the time now. I mean almost all the time. She basically lives here too for the most part and kinda shared the other room ( the one rented) with the other official tenant.

They are both good company for my kid; and me too sometimes although I try to give the 20 something space and not invade on them. Try to stay out of their hair but they like my company sometimes in the mom figure kinda way to help out here an there. Like they are young and without cars and the nearest laudromat is far away so when I have to go I offer to take whomever in the household wants to go.

* My boyfriend is lovely and will let me do my laundry at his house but I want to be able to offer help to them.

Heck he is so dang sweet that if I bring laundry to his house he will do it!

OK back to work. I have enough time to finish the one contract drafting today that I want to get out the door. Just needed the break. Heck might even get another NDA out too.
Amazing what I can do when I calm the anxious thoughts.

I AM DO lucky don't have what I will call a PTSD flare often!

Seriously that should be a thing.
They talk about POTS flares.

When have PTSD it is similar in that something can trigger it. Problem is that the flare for some can catch wind and very quickly become a raging fire if you don't take care of it fast.
Well....maybe that is what happens if you DO have an underlying co morbidity of another mental illness like depression or bi-polar that kicks up as well.

I do intend to make an appointment with my Psyciatrist; to get a new preseciption just in case need it again ( since I have but two or maybe three more Lithium?)
AND also to discuss diagnosis.

I want to know what she really thinks.

I never asked. Will be interested to hear her actual opinion.

I think I was told that the diagnosis she had down was

Anxiety Disorder.

So funny as the last thing I would have ever thought of myself was - was ANXIOus

I mean I am the calm one when with friends.

BUT it turns out some can LOOK CALM and still have anxiety underneath that they mask. Hiders of emotion- I guess stealthily
I can see that

Basically the Irish, right?....
The non driking maryrs/ or the jovial drinking storytellers bards who are masking their pain and anxiety and self medicating, or stoic poets- mysterious and quiet who we think are smart when reallty are introspective and sensitive. ( Ok may be smart too...and I am just generalizing as think of few I know.)

Now really back to work; with my plan for wrapping up the day then off to the part time job. I think I will finish reading what can of the book about Israel and Palenstine war before drop it off unfinished. I read enough... just a bit more; then will return so someone else can also learn of the historical context. ( hopefully to debunk that it matters one damn bit in realtion to the atrocities that must stop).

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