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2024-04-01 - 8:04 a.m.

I got one if those free magazine subscriptions ( really about $3 or $4 a yr) and somehow got Southern Living Magazine
Interview with Matthew M ....too early to try to put energy into correct spelling ( honestly that us hard for me!!) So here....cause there is a prolific Trend of "news" being report of other's stories...ha ha

Love the editorial line " Isn't that the most LA thing ?" Ha ha


The concept of going to where conceived was mentioned the the Southern Living story a bit more esoterically

It reminded me of some things my actor son has intentionally done and said

The going back to roots to connect with who you are; emphasis on family tradition.

I love that when he met his girlfriend ( whom I am sure shall be wife) they realigned plans to move to her home 🏡 area and be deeply involved with her family. She and my son met when she lived away in another state in a city she worked and it was a vacation for one of them . But then both has a very clear plan individually which was aligned of wanting grounded family near family to raise kids in community and connection but first for some years going back and forth to work in the best city for career.

I respect his privacy here. Lol to extent can

So leave it to imagination of you reader as to which city that would be. Ha ha

If I did not yet spill the beans on that....

That is.

I try to be mindful.

But although it sounds do esoteric and funky hippy crunchy granola ( or 20 yrs later is "avocado toast" 🥑 a better descriptor? 🤔 )

Hippy drippy. Ha ha

I love hippies.

They were always my people
My tribe

Even though I was the anomaly of the sober one among them.

Lol. I fit in.

All this to say my sin hot in touch with his history , his ancestors, delved into understanding generational trauma

Or is delving in as that's alot to unpack

And his own experiences

He does the work

All this to say , as hippy out there as it sounds

I think it makes sense he and his girlfriend may want to travel to spend time at the place of his conception in their travels.

I winder if wacky as it sounds to some Matthew M might be onto something.

I mean the place might put one in touch with healthy routine and family and tradition ORbut regarkess if that no matter where conceived it is place which was one of peace and rest and celebration of love and the beauty of the love ones parents shared. 💕
I mean typically

Oh God I just have tge absolutely awful sadness and pain and crying now ( progress emotionally right? ) to think

What does it do to a child if the circumstances of conception are not in love?

What if it's complicated?

I mean there was some love at one point but what if...

Fuck ot a hypothetical

What If it was a ...moment of desperate control? What if it was act of violence?

A rape ?

Date rape happens
Marital rape happens

Non consensual violence happens at times using sex as a tool for release non consensual if the order is shocked and can't speak. Enmven if might have been perceived consensual by the other person.. .


What if
A conception in an act of violence?

And what if SOMEHOW

A child figured that out?

What does that do yo a child's sense of self?

I want to say that child will always still be loved by both parents. I firmly believe that. I firmly believe there is no stronger love
No more alchemizing ❤️
For the broken hearted 💔 and harded hearted

Than the love of a child

The newborn

Which is yes messed up as a parent shoukd not ge healing their wounds as an adult through the act of parenting

But many do. I think The father(s) of my kids healed their wounds when they both became fathers.
The responsibility forced the to ( to some extent)

Why in each case it seemed I had yo LEAVE before they woukd each walk that path is an unsolved mystery to me.
( Maybe I did not...but so be it...I did abd it perhaps accelerated the process and saved from. More trauma, more pain? ).

Well I has no choice really

My cry done
Imagine ...just a welling up and tears I am sure could count
Yeah a wet spot
But no more than say if I had a runny nose

Yeah emotionally suppressed and not comfortable with emotionally releasing 😪

Which makes me sad too

Cause did not know that about self until my kids called it out.

Working on it sll though.

Morning pages were the recap pf the first seven days of the Liven app which is like therspt Boot Camp

Which just kicked my ass so to speak.

It's rainy out.

Today is Monday my actual day off ( except if I work a small amount . Will try not to. Yes. I need a day off.)

I shoukd not feel guilty setting boundaries.

I delivered the important things.

A couple other projects can finalize tomorrow.

It was a double shift; both weekend days weekend.

I likely shoukd quit the one job.

Heck ot pays $ 5 less pee hour than the other place. I only picked it up as the first part timexjob:

Cut my hours to avoid me having permanent part time status and being eligible for benefits

( duh. Obvious)

So instead of working every weekend waa on every other. It is also good management to maintain a group of part time PRN folks

I did that as a manager. But I rocked as a manager as I did the work of also mentoring and nurturing for promotion out if thise roles into full time hrs with benefits abd hired new peiolecyo maintain that part tole prn robust roster

And I shared my staff with other sites when they were short cause I skeays had a strong well trained team

Seriously, pride myself on that. Sure it was 30 yrs ago now

But somehow I was young yet a good manager. ( Heck I started at Age 15 at the local Waldbaums and learned quickly treating all with respect but also fairly and consistently having same rules goes far in trust and loyalty and strong teamwork)

He'll, maybe I am autistic and therefore following " rules" created 😉 and understanding with great empathy yet having a disconnect of notvrrally showing empathy and attachment

Creates both enough trust
But the ekement of not quite enough comfort and a element of afraid of breaking rules

For the formula of an effective group leader or any leader.

It's a funny juxtaposition as I could read behavior and understand with empathy

But then be very matter of fact in addressing it.

Like I could have the tough conversations others had no idea how to address


And be emotionally Available to employees

Yet somehow not dow enough emotion interpersonal?

How many leaders are actually autistic? 🤔 is it a far greater percentage thst we would expect? A variance from the percentage in general population
And an interesting variance from the % of working folks?

I seriously think Revenge of the Nerds has been much bigger than anyone suspected!!

On another ( maybe? ) note;

I have heard of late the relatively new term : oh snap. 😳
Forget it

Term for combo autism and ADHD

Look it up if you want as my left had is numb from holding position too long. Ignored the tingling pindmd and needles a bit....
To do on this day off:

( the Artist Way from point abandoned last round of working with it. Ch 10 I think? )

Play 🎸get to lesson this afternoon
( so happy 😊 taking lessons )

Schedule massage 💆‍♀️. I bought a Groupon for jot Rock massage not honored but it is still good for $40 to apply to service.

They got bamboozled with too many Groupon sold. What would been a loss leader was untenable as got so many free intros but not repeat customers and that was mire than could handle! I get it.... so held on and waited for dust to settle. I respected the small biz screw up with not understanding the Groupon contract they signed.


Of couse some clients ignore my feedback..

I like the ones who let me later present a modification to a bad contract and are thoughtful and up-front and dont fire me based on their mistakes and bad choice. We all make mistakes.

I have been thrown under the bus on occassion.


( think of a few and laugh about them in hindsight.)

Handshake deals happen ALL THE TIME
On commercial sector fine!
Fed sector NO!! Seriously. Only a fool would do work for a federal client without a formal signed contract.

I am the cat kicked sometimes for exec leadership bad decisions.

I make no business decisions.

Love the client supporting now. Do need more than the primary one. Can't have eggs all in one basket


Yeah maybe work on my company stuff just a bit today after self care.

Will see.



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