2024-09-14 - 10:02 a.m.

My guy is getting breakfast and bringing it back after a rare morning slept in for me.
I was up late the past couple nights as my kids at home and I started a Monopoly game which we stopped at 10:30 pm one night but then resumed the next evening after dinner and played for hours until finally just called it. I was just up later than like a few nights in a row. We realized we were not having fun anymore and just they just wanted the pain to end. Lol
I won. It's kinda sad when realize only those who have money to buy property can win
and if your money went elsewhere and you can't buy land
You are basically economically screwed.

It was a Fun game once

But all too true as adults. Lol

We did have lots of laughs during the game play the first night, mostly as it was a version- the now beloved family game of
Catopoly.

Its so ridiculously silly.

My options being, having to get used to a cat or force my actually fragile....somewhat... Ok, let me be real honest, not somewhat fragile but actually very
emotionally fragile of late now grown kid get rid of her support animal

Well , of course I am getting acclimated to the cat. I do alright when downstairs at my desk working or in the kitchen, but after a bit of time on the couch in the living room I get irritation, allergies kick in, asthma starts a bit and my breathing is compromised. If I take an antihistamine and inhaler I am pretty good and I notice the threshold of tolerance has already increased that I can be in the environment before the allergies are triggered . I am doing so much better now I am not proactively using the inhaler but waiting til need it.
Exposure therapy....a bit at a time, is wirking as it is better for sure than it used to be.

My fiance needs exposure therapy to my kids.

His whole system gets shocked by their caustic nature at times and he recoils. This is a natural response and happened in past with others who came into my orbit. The comfort and peacefulness and feel of my home shifted dramatically very positively once the most negative and abusive kid moved out, but the one remaining behind was just kinda in her own shell for a while. Hunkering down to process her own POTS , life transition of not having routine of high school and some set agenda each day and gingerly figuring out what she can handle with her disabled body, mostly by very cautious avoidant and careful consideration before taking any steps forward. But she has taken baby steps. I see progress. As she emeged at first she seemed angry and sullen. Now she is finding her voice and while not caustic and abusive like her sibling, she can be very particular about how she wants things to be and bossy. Then the other kid moved back home and good God who has not seen sister squabbles of teens? It's like they are emotionally regressed and just cat fight over small things at times. Its like the adult version of toddler tantrum " Mine Mine Mine" . I swear its a trauma thing that happens as a result of childhood complex PTSD- This regression to act like a toddler and go through control elements of what should have been psychologically worked out at age 3.... then re-assessed and personality codified in adolescence... It's like the extended adolescent development phase just lasts years in our culture. Maybe there is something to old school parenting that taught clearer boundaries? MAYBE I got it wrong? Not out of realm of possibility- but at this point I have to just contine to do my best and continue to try to teach healthy boundaries. Seriously, with COVID trauma a whole generation Is regressed and I think this is not all that uncommon- but the lack of respect of me is uncommon ( unless kids were raised with that example). I don't attribute it to bad parenting on my part of not being strict but rather the authoritarian having gone too far into abuse and having been abusive to me. Mainly cause my oldest two who have a different father do not and NEVER have disrespected me. EVER Anyway... So the addition of the one kid coming home recently has undoubtedly been really nice in many ways. Her company for the sibling is great. She gets her younger sister out and engaged more. The housemate for sure helped too, but now having this sibling home there is further improvement in the youngest engaging with the world and other people more. We do things together which is great, weather it's going to the laundromat or playing games or watching a movie. Our basement tenant is an awesome housemate and doesn't mind us going down there to do laundry but as we have alot to do I prefer a run to the laundromat rather than encroach on his space too much. When he's not ng occasion someone thrown. So that's all the good 👍. BUT. While the one who moved back could see the abuse of her other sibling that moved out last year, she really doesn't see herself. Her PTSD is rather severe just now. She needs to be home. As she heals I am sure her few moments of not being mindful of how she comes across will diminish. Both she and the youngest have an awful habit of negative language condescendingly attempting to align some behavior of mine regarding things not their concern- which when this happens seems like an impulsive almost OCD knee jerk response. Stupid things Like my kid got a delicious shake and wanted me to try it, so I said " just enjoy but save me a tiny bit and give it to me at the end". She handed me the plastic cup with a straw in it she had been drinking the milkshake from. I took it, took off the lid with straw and mindful she had said she had not felt great earlier with a headache- although most likely her POTS etc. . . Just in case, I was not going to drink from the straw. So I held the lid with the straw horizontally, balanced so some of the the thick shake suspended there . And I was drinking the remainder of the Chai shake from the cup- there was a moment where she was so fixated on the remainder of the shake in that straw. I am drinking so not responding as she got literally anxious saying " drink what's in the straw! " then as I ignored her she kept repeating it and did not let up when I said" No" and it was clearly then anxiety, - but I did not figure that out until reflecting later, I think first driven by thought of wasting the food ( Food issue thing from bizarre 🤔...bizarre family history of food disorders I think... grandma hoarder of food post depression...then rationing...back and forth .. next generation withholding of food as punishment and I mean such bizarre food issues that were apparent in family that surely affected her.) Then after her initial worry of waste that comes from weird food issues of the clean plate generation before her etc...and more... She was fixated on watching and waiting for the shake contents to drip out of the straw. Which of course was inevitable, but not a crisis But it was another kinda OCD like moment of intense anxiety for her over what would normally be a small thing to most. Her fear of me spilling Making a mess And? So what? But remember my Ex , her father would FREAK OUT and go ballistic over the smallest mess. So I get it , her anxiety. It was just a few moments tgis ensued. And I am SO used to those small moments I try to reassure and also ignore if there is attempt to control my behavior for a quick minute. But a good example of how for those few moments it took me to drink the end of that shake my anxious kid was in intense anxiety that resulted in her not knowing how to recognize and handle the emotional response other than to try to stop the behavior of me that was triggering it. The thing is with someone with CPTSD, I think once in a safe space to finally relax and allow self time to heal and process and address trauma, well, even if someone doesn't address it- once in a safe relationship their whole system allows themselves to go through and release the emotions somehow. Some learn to process and transform anger. Others are not adept at that magic of alchemy. It's hard. It's miraculous some can even do that after horrors they have gone through. So moments of PTSD for my kids I think are not surprising, but also- in my view moments I can't do anything other than try to understand with patience abd grace and forgive when they are trying yo control me at every turn Even when they result in what to someone observing attacks of me. Subtlety or overt Thise responses are not about me So I ignore them at times. I brushed off the moment of telling me to finish the shake. I then also tried to reassure my kid " Dont worry. " Which is likely the worst thing to say to a worrier Sometimes I just do whatever it is my kids in their anxiety want me to do. Sometimes I dont 🤷 So that is just but one moment. They happen through each day in small ways. They roll over me. Until in a safe space, when actively still under duress it is all overactive nervous system ALL THE TIME of fight or flight. Heightened awareness. But first if not safe to either fight or flee and stuck there its heightened awareness with suppression. Complete suppression of emotion Of self Obliteration of self at times just to survive. Any abused kid gets this. So when allowed to be self finally At first I think the anger comes out. Then one who leaves a space they could not be themselves in will learn to reset their nervous system Which is why some did not understand how I put up with the abuse of the kid who moved. That kid had no other means yet to unpack their trauma. They were in therapy trying and went to school and are now working and will keep at it...but the process of healing and unpacking traums is one think that happens whether one wants it to or not After anger Then removing one from the toxic environment, a victim learns to live. So two of mine are off in the world doing that. But workaholic is really still avoidance of emotional connection. It is great for a while for sure. But if overdone it will just mask the trauma underlying that needs healing. Time does heal wounds for sure, to an extent. But sometimes it takes a relationship and allowing self to feel then process emotion. It can be downright scary, Terrifying at times to suddenly feel deeply after an emotional thaw. But if one doesn't allow healing through relationship and connection- .the trauma is still there and will come out..in anger. Can't help it At some point the band aid comes off to reveal the hidden wounds and the glaring mess of infection is revealed. If not it festers. But eventually it seeps out somehow. In anger at first. Frustration Low tolerance Avoidance Self Sabatoge Self destructive behaviors ( let's not forget addiction when trying to find a healing balm). So I think in the safe spaces there is some trickling and release of the toxic poisons of the infection of trauma whether intended or not. Anger seeps out in ways some don't even recognize. It comes out as controlling behavior. Wanting order. Wanting to not feel helpless. So sure there are moments of my kids now home acting weirdly controlling of me, of their environment. -Like things in the house they want their way, yet some think they should have greater respect for me. I think it's so inconsequential to me how they, who are there living there, make it actualky feel like their home.At this point I spend as much time ( if not more) at my boyfriend's rather than my home so it feels like their space more than mine. Everyone needs to be comfortable in their own home. I have to allow them to have some things the way they prefer. This is acknowledgment they are adults and treating them all like equals in the respect that they are my house mates there. But they need to be more effective in their communication and not rude and attacking. >They still need to learn that they are still really abrasive in their communication sometimes and healthy people just can't be around that.

It's a problem.

So this is a challenge of couse for my fiance. The observation of each small moment of rudeness of my kids toward me upsets him greatly. Moments I don't notice. Last week while spending time with us all he got freaked by some recent overwealming moments that push him way out of his emotional comfort zone as well.

That part is a him issue- that part. To learn not to be avoidant and catastrophic on his own thinking.

Not a good thing when someone assumes the worst possible intent and or outcome when there is a moment of stress in relationships.

I am not too concerned as think in time as my kids seek medical support for body and mind and manage health their flight of flight PTSD moments will lessen

And then their offensive need to control will lessen

And they won't trigger his avoidance and pulling into shell distancing.

Or if none of that changes it is all still OK as long as he does not distance from me
And the kids don't distance from me

But it has been nice that he typically has become comfortable with them and would be with me for game night

But last week

One got triggered a couple times very intensely

Once was when I pulled into his driveway with his borrowed car and hot his truck.
My kid was with me as we were all going somewhere and she has a full blown PTSD attack

I got it

It triggered the expectation of how I would be treated- from past when I has an accident of hitting something when married

Her body responded to the past blow up

As it was not safe to respond then.

So she is going through intense processing of feelings never processed from past

When had to hide them

As it was dangerous to do so

Shaking
Crying

It was do intense.

I reassured her it was safe to come in the house and tell him and that his reaction would be fine and I said " Hopefully healing as it will be a normal healthy one"

It was. He was not concerned. In fact nonplussed, cause he like me doesn't give a shit about a ding on the side if his vehicles. He thinks inconsequential unless it impacts function of the car. He waa however very concerned about my kid and her well being.

She rested, napped and needed to sleep and reset after the full blown attack. 😴

I have never seem one as bad except in the basement when my one tenant would lose it and unravel.

But the the following weekend when we all were enjoying a great day...we were just out too long. Meltdown happened.

A serious bona-fide Meltdown. This is how it played out:

My fiance was trying to communicate with my one kid and touched her shoulder and was emphatic in his speech cause my kid was not hearing him at all.

We were going to meet friends of his who invited us to join them at a summer festival. But my kids who knew this were so in their own world that we kept not getting through the festival and navigating to get to where his friends were.

He was exceptionally patient for hours- rearranging meet up spots. Letting my kids lead to do their thing. The plan was meet his friends then all go off to meet later. His friends had their kids with them, some who are really nice and actually hold similar interests But we never got to his friends as my kids kept saying " Let's do this" and stopping at other things to which we did say yes, thinking could make it to the next designated meeting spot on time afterwards- but somehow collectively our time management skills of navigating through a festival crowd were awful. . .

And

My fiance at some point was not being heard that he needed to go meet his friends ( he was going to go by himself actually) buy I wanted to go too, and my kid was not hearing my " No" to the next thing she wanted to do- And he leaned in close to her it was crowded and noisy ) and I got it that he was trying to get her attention by leaning in so he did not have to shout - but he put his left hand on her right shoulder and said really emphatically " We have to go..." She Said " Don't touch me" and he dropped his hand. I left with him then after she finally listened and got it we would meet her and her sibling later at yet another designated meeting spot. Later she told us how she was badly triggered. I had no clue. It was another complete emotional meltdown of exhausting day and overwhelming emotion of the triggering. It was very difficult to hear and she was genuinely terrified when my boyfriend put his hand firmly on her shoulder. But he then was also a bit shocked and felt defensive when she later felt safe enough to honest share her PTSD experience with both of us and ask he never go to grab her like that again. I am glad she processed it and recognized it and was so clear and really emotionally strong to acknowledge and deal with it. The thing is, I think this is a bit new to my boyfriend to process. It's alot. Unfortunately of couse not surprising that there are going to be many challenges as always with ongoing healing and fostering healthy relationships. Boundaries are really important to establishing safety and trust in relationships. So she set hers. Was heard And my boyfriend is very respectful and will honor them He gets it. I just hope he finds ways to honor them without bring avoidant and distancing and not willing to spend time with my kids. But. Time heals wounds.... I know this. I am patient. In a commitment for long haul there really is no reason to rush things. Giving space and time folks need to process and heal and figure out their needs is really important.

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