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2017-01-09 - 7:50 p.m.

It is a weird and unexpected thing. An old friend from way back when posted this article

I had no idea that old acquaintances of mine, the Evans brothers are the sons of the football player that I had recently read a really lovely piece about in my UB alum magazine about that year the Bulls refused to play the Tangerine Bowl in 1958 in a stand against racism.

I can't find it on line, but here is a good article on Willie Evans

Willie Evans passed away last week. What I didn't expect upon the realization that Neil and Alan are the boys I knew is that my heart would absolutely ache.

Its the most unexpected thing. The heartache.

Its very personal and has nothing to do with the death of Willie Evans really

But thinking of that time that was literally the HAPPIEST time of my whole life. I honestly can say that. It broke my heart when it came to its end (a fact my 2nd husband REALLY GOT and RESENTED. He was always SO ANGRY that he was not loved exactly THE SAME as I loved my first husband and angry he couldn't give me a LIFE THAT I LOVED as much as that one I had!)

I have done so very well learning to let go of past (reluctantly sometimes... I often stay loyal and maintain status quo LONGER than I think I really SHOULD in a way)...

But the crazy heartache and actual pain I felt when actually thinking of that beautiful time just emerged so very unexpected.

Alan Evans was in NY and actually came to our wedding. ( I remember my mother annoyed we added last minute additions to the reception and I was INSISTENT he and a couple other last minute additions be welcomed as they technically "crashed" our reception to our open arms, as he was a friend of my husband and very important he be welcomed when we learned he was in NYC and playing on LI that very night!) Moon Boot Lover was playing in Huntington NY and after the official reception we went there for what remains such an incredibly memorable time. One of my friends actually connected with Alan at that wedding and then dated him for some time afterwards. Another one of my friend had previously dated Alan... He was an absolutely wonderful guy they both reported ! (And neither knew of the other's relationship so I won't spill any secrets here... neither read this thankfully! HA HA and it WAS TWENTY plus years ago!!)

Neil was younger and not in NY on that occasion with his brother, as he was just still a kid!

Flash forward a year or two (maybe three?). Neil then came to our home to rehearse in a trio with my husband and John Allen of Outer Circle Orchestra.

THAT is the music I came home to at night after work. I worked managing a group home and would come home on the evenings my husband had rehearsals in our home on occasion. Those are absolutely vivid memories The MUSIC, the comradeship and friendship my husband shared with an older man and a younger boy who was so incredibly talented (Neil was FIFTEEN if I recall correctly), was marvelous. There was about 10 years age different between Neil and my hubby and then 10 years senior was John Allen. They were just one of the best trios I ever heard and I had the pleasure of their music in my home with some regularity.

I am SO BLESSED to have had the privalege of that experience.

Its one I would not trade for anything.

And my two oldest children grew up with that music. The music was in them from the beginning.

It kind of breaks my heart that I couldn't offer that gift of music to the younger kids of my second marriage and that it is a STRUGGLE to get the support of such.

To this day, it breaks my heart to have my youngest come home here last WED and THU morn be in a panic that she doesn't have the book she was supposed to get for her music class.

She wanted me to get up early and take her to the store to buy it on Thu morn last week. I told her SHE FORGOT to ask AHEAD of time and SHE should have been responsible and thought of this ALL BREAK LONG to get prepared as the class moved to the 2nd book. She didn't realize stores are not open at 6AM and I can't just run out and buy that in the morning before school the day SHE is unprepared. I gave her a lecture on self responsibility, how she should have written down the NAMe of the book (she had no idea of that!) etc...

THEN she came to me on the weekend. She asked again ON SUNDAY (Music store closed! To be honest I also lost income when I had the flu for a week and REALLY should spend not a DIME as not sure I even will have enough for my mortgage when next pay day comes! I have to put gas in the car to get to work and budget is THAT TIGHT Just now!!! Losing a whole WEEK of income is a challenge. Dr appt and necessary medication for kids and mortgage are priorities. If I felt I could spend the $4.50 for swimming I would start a training routine but am waiting for that to see if affordable as well).

This is Alexy, the youngest in middle school. I apologized I had not thought about this on SAT when the music store was open and said she should have asked THEN or reminded me... but then I told her "I'm sorry but weekend is over. You just have to ask Dad"

And this is the heartbreaking part. Her response was "He won't pay for it. He doesn't want me to take band so he won't pay for anything for it."

So I suppose it is not only the memory that came to mind of Neil Evans in my living room and that time that was SO HAPPY ( Hey he's a public figure and its so long ago and he played with so many people that this is the one time I am not worried about using a REAL his name will not identify me in any way... )

But its the contrast.

It just breaks my heart with a literal PAIN at times.

In other news, I felt like it might be selfish and a bit impulsive (considering my financial situation), but last week I signed up for a Triathalon.
I justified it by considering this is my health insurance: I HAVE to exercise I KNOW THIS. I am struggling with getting up early and keeping the routine that WORKS for me of getting up early and having TWO extra hours a day due to less travel time and EXERCISING.

I was feeling badly just a bit, questioning that I just spent $130 for a this Triathalon. (Damn these races are expensive!) once I realized that the reallocation of my part time income from the part time weekend jobs was made for it to go into a 401K is going to make it so tight that I am not sure I can really sustain that change.

I felt like this year I have NOT SAVED a penny, but INCREASED DEBT and that is just unacceptable. I NEED A NEST EGG for my retirement hopefully, but really to be there JUST IN CASE at the end of this project for some reason I don't get an offer of becoming an employee OR Another job that pays the bills right away.
I am rather confident my employer values me and they will keep me on, but I can't COUNT ON IT.

SO I have already made that change starting JAN.

The money I earn is going right into a retirement fund. By the end of the year it should have about four thousand dollars saved there (That's about what I estimate I will make this year at the part time job. I am not working as often as I did last year for much of the year but am on the schedule every other weekend).
Really that is not much to have as an emergency fund. If I lose my job its really only two months of expenses and frankly what I REALLY need to be doing is allocating some into something like a CD which is a better nest egg. A CD that matures in 6 mos, and then another that matures another 6 mos would be ideal.

But this is the EASY WAY to ensure save something rather than nothing.

So I signed up for the Triathalon EVEN THOUGH I just reallocated that income and won't have it to pay the household bills. I didn't really run the numbers first but have an idea that without that pt job income I will JUST MAKE IT FINE. The other kink was that damn HOA BILL of $634 for the stupid alleged non compliance.

I just don't have the energy to fight them. I already wrote a letter and mailed it, perhaps they will read it and be reasonable.
I just can't envision battling them.

I find it easier to find energy to get motivated to support someone else in THEIR BATTLES, THEIR CHALLENGES

which is very weird.

For some reason I can pull out the energy and harness all my righteous anger into things like the neighbor being called a nigger by the one cop etc...and then the repeated arrests for "drunk in public" which seem over the top to me,

but then when the HOA is full of crap and ignoring the fact I actually PAINTED my porch and trimmed my bushes and fixed the rotted wood and then FINE me ...
I just haven't a bit of energy to fight it.

The thought alone just EXHAUSTS ME.

And I give up.

I am not really sure why that is, other than it is MOTIVATING for me to go into a legal battle in the role of advocate

However I SO REFUSE TO ACCEPT THE ROLE OF "VICTIM" EVER. Perhaps just a damn pride thing. I prefer to think RISING ABOVE IT and just not engaging in their pettiness is the more graceful way to handle when I am feeling attacked.

I feel like its not worth expending energy on such things when I AM ATTACKED.

But harness energy to help others.

So I signed up for a triathalon.

I did it as I REALLY need a motivation and it is getting me very excited to exercise again. I did it because I likely fell for effective marketing following the latest trend of "don't miss out THE SLOTS Are filling fast only 100 spots left" which was sent out via e-mail at 9:30 AM on a Friday , and it was 5pm and I was legit afraid this opportunity would be lost and I wouldn't be offered another PERFECT motivator in my area.

I did it cause it was payday and I hadn't considered that the following week was the one where I would not get a paycheck and also the one where my (now late!) mortgage was to be paid!! (See that $130 was earmarked for that but SOMEHOW I forgot OR just thought "IT will work out" which frankly it likely will... provided I put off a couple other bills... and pay them later... CE la vie...)

I did it cause I REALLY NEED to get up early and exercise.

I only realized LATER it is a little hard to train for the swim when one doesn't have access to a pool. Thankfully THERE ARE exercises you can do, and I will find those... but that is another story... after another month or so I think I will get back on track financially and then be able to also go to the pool. I found one that is not bad, $4.50 to go swim if not a town member so I think I will get to swim a couple times a week soon enough. I pack lunch EVERY DAY , never take the toll road, and frankly just NEVER spend any money on anything but necessities so I think that one little splurge of going swimming is something I can absorb. (Running is FREE which is why that and biking have been my exercise for recent years!) The triathlon does have that added expense.

I was hoping my daughter who lives with me would like to go swimming too, but unfortunately when I asked her she said she is horrible at it and seemed disinterested. (HEY in GREAT NEWS she went for a run, of her own accord, in our neighborhood just a couple of weeks ago!! I was so happy to hear this unexpected news from her!! I asked if SHE wanted to train with me for the triathalon and she said "The only race I might have interest is one with a theme park as the incentive at the end".

To which I LAUGHED and said "Darn I raised the bar TOO HIGH for me to meet regularly!" ( This is the child however who grumbled but DID go to the Jingle Bell K last DEC motivated by a Minecraft sweatshirt and who ran the Turkey Trot with me and her boyfriend this year. YES she has a boyfriend, and they are really cute together. They basically will run together as they have little chance to spend time outside of school, so when I find a fun 5K and encourage her to invite him they have both done this- I think because it is the ONLY opportunity! LOL She kinda hates running but likes this boy so will run for the incentive of anything other than not seeing him EVER. Since the school was asked to be sure they are not in ANY classes together by her DAD that incentive is rather high I suppose. I don't quite get why the request...or why it was honored but whatever... Heck if I WERE At that school I would be more inclined to praise these kids on their computer talent and interest and offer to mentor a club for them as they game design. )

I did make some financial changes, albeit small ones, the ones I thought of: I cancelled my XM RADIO subscription and that will be relocated to my swim fund. That was free at first with my car, then I bought it at a really cheap rate but of course in time that ended and they were auto-renewing it at something not worth it. ( They tried to cancel at and of JAN but I was persistent and reiterated I wanted it shut off the DAY I CALLED last week. I made that call immediately after registering for the triatholan as soon as I was DONE with my 8 hrs of work @ work! ) My messages ran out on phone but didn't refill it. There were two areas I was able to cut my expenses.

I don't text much at all and its not essential for me.

But back to the main thing,

upon hearing my Alexy say how she couldn't ask DAD for the new book for her class I was really sad.

Then when I recalled that music in my living room years ago

the memory just made me heartbroken.

But to end here on a moment of joy- Do something for yourself. I am .

Listen to Soullive

I have listened to them over the years with such JOY. I think hearing them now will bring that response back. Going to listen while I try to get on line to find the music teachers web page (they all have them now) I am SURE with a bit of research I can find the name of the needed music book and perhaps I will be able to find that on E-bay used.

"Keep striving. Don't quit. Anything is possible."

The heartache , and the anger will all someday be healed....

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