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2004-10-23 - 5:35 p.m.

I need to make dinner and the baby is crying as she just woke up, but I need this MINUTE to myself first. Tough night last night.... I was anticipating a nice evening w/ Westley as tommorrow is our fifth wedding anniversary so I picked up some Mike's lemonade for him, and a few movies so he could choose one. (One ia Michael Moore's latest.... which wasn't intended for the romantic evening, but another night this week when I hope to think. Last night I hoped to FEEL...)

Well, I certainly had my fill of an emotional evening,however it wasn't what I had been anticipating. Instead Westley got home from work to find mail from the county that they expected him to sign which basically entailed him giving up much privacy and committing to them telling him to undergo all sorts of things he hadn't agreed to do. So basically they wanted to exert great control over him.... and subsequently he felt OUT OF CONTROL... so he had to then assert control with ME to feel better. No cat to kick.... just me... so although he didn't resort to physical or verbal abuse, he did calmly tell me he was overtired, he was upset, and he is worried as his last day at work at his latest job was yesterday (THe companywas acquired last week!) so with all his stress... and that HE IS MAD AT ME... and blames me for the latest county letter... he then calmly asked me to leave the bedroom and sleep on the couch so he could "get a good night sleep for a change."

I was stunned and spend much of the night crying. Not something I often do- but this time I can't stop it once it starts. I ironically stopped this morning after he finally did break down his composure and yelled at me. I can't figure out what is wrong with me that once he yelled "YOU Bitch!" I finally snapped out of my depressive state and started functioning for the day.It was like that fight instinct was triggered and I started to wake up and function for the day! (GO ADRENELINE!) I was afraid at first that it was adverse conditioning... but then I realized Westely hasn't been verbally abusive in YEARS, so it wasn't that, but rather that he snapped me out of my funk somewhow. THen after a while we had more drama... yelling... arguing about the details of the upcoming baptism of our newborn , since I was again sentient and communicative, and then FINALLY normal conversation in which I stopped interrupting him and he stopped yelling. Its been a LONG TIME .... a LONG LONG TIME since we have communicated as dysfunctionally as that. (YEARS actually!) I felt like we were spiraling back into a place neither of us has been in, nor wants to re-visit.
I feel like we have come to some mutual understanding.
We planned the baptism and I feel OK about our agreement of how to do that ceremony. I feel like I can give up some things I want to let him feel like he is valued. He is making effort to make me feel valued. So I can also make effort. That's the only way our relationship will ever grow- if we both don't tolerate abuse, but we are both willing to forgive and make effort to do things for each other. So we are struggling through this tough time.... but we are still struggling together and haven't yet given up.

OK- now to tend to the baby. PS OCT 25th The threat of kicking me out of the bedroom was not actually carried out .... and I think it may not be in the end as I feel we have addressed SOME of our issues satisfactorily enough for the time being!

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