2022-10-24 - 8:46 a.m.

Well I connected with June thankfully! Happy to her she is doing Ok after some health issues.
Her phone just got lost and was not working. She has a new one but lost the contacts so it was basically just hit or miss as to if she saw a call from me and recognized the # or picked up or not.

I am relieved to know:
1. She is OK! I had worried about her but was grateful for social media as once saw her post there KNEW she was OK! ( I mean ok as in the sense nothing catastrophic. She had me seriously concerned.) and
2. She was her friendly self and I did not get sense of issues between us. Just the trouble connecting due to logistics.

Some day I think it would be fun to collaborate on an artistic project she envisioned that she pitched an idea to me. I am trying to figure out how to possibly do that remote when technology usage is an issue.

I am sure we could do it.
Its mostly a matter of aligning both time and ENERGY.

I haven't the energy I wish I had to give to all the creative projects I envision and would love to persue. I wish I had more energy! But she asked me to collab and honestly I feel like it would be a good idea to carve out the time to do so with her.

I mean that collaboration of CREATING together is one of the greatest joys of a shared friendship I think.
If can find an artistic vision and creative impulse and work together to birth something.

It takes so much time; which I am happy to give- but it is the ENERGY I don't feel I have ENOUGH of.
But I want to try.

This is the challenge for us all in life. We have to expend energy for the ESSENTIALS first
The daily grind of house providing; then caring for-
shelter, food, then what do we prioritize NEXT?
Needs of family
then friends

I am still in the space where I have to be most fully present for FAMILY That need me

BUT also carve out enough time to nurture self

AND to nurture friends and of course in caring and loving others be nurtured in kind BY THEM.
This particular project that June posed is her brain child. SHE wants to see it to fruition and I would love to help her-
because I think the idea she posed WILL be helpful to others frankly. Not because it would be FUN or EASY
but somehow I believe in her artisic vision and the value of it for others to be honest.

Anais Mitchell posted a question on Twitter:

"Is it true that in drama ( and life?) people only speak to get something from each other? And is that refreshing honesty or the most depressing thing ever?"

I don't think it is actually true.
I also think that EVEN IF true MUCH OF the time, it is not depressing.
Refreshingly honest?
Not really that either.

Because for when it is true that truth is not really refreshing! HA

Soberingly honest that often there is some truth in that self interest in interacting with others; not quite depressing.

The truth is I felt hurt and also a weird panic feeling of fear of loss when thought about my friend renouncing me out of potential jealousy.
(Was worried it was intentional distancing)
YET at the same time if there was a NEED for a boundary from my friend for any reason for my friend's well being
I undersand and accepted that

Each has to protect their own heart.

Its a funny thing to feel a heartbreak moment - sometimes they are result of actual heartbreak from a breaking up of lovers or friends
Other times it is death that brings heartached and loss and grief

Other times I think some can feel deeply a FEAR of a loss when there was distancing .

Some keep themselves so protected and guarded they dont EXPRESS or even ALLOW themselves the emotional connection
won't freely acknowledge it
won't express it

SO for me its an interesting thing to recognize that YES this flawed yet also lovely person who I know really does love others deeply is a valued friend

and should something happen to her YES I would feel literally heatbroken.

And to know that for some strange reason she may have never been able to really empotionally connect and let herself acknowledge to her friend how much he meant to her and vice versa?
I don't know
Maybe it is all him being an ass

But she seemed hearbroken at his breaking of the friendship

Which he seemed selfish in doing
yet it seemed done cause HE WAS HEARTRBOKEN she was not able to fall in love with him like I am sure he fell in love with her.

Is life full of just unrequited loves healing broken hearts by severing the underlying friendships?
HOW depressing THAT would be!
I think moreso life is full of deep loves that sometimes are misaligned in expectations
and selfishly some of us want more than others can offer
and selfishly we have to cut ties because
WE ARE WEAK
and not strong enough to not be selfish and accept the friendship offered

OR sometimes we cut ties as the other seems not strong enough
to accept what one yourself can offer

Maybe that is itself also narcissistic?
But at times it is because the other can't respect a needed boundary

So it is protectionsist! (I am thinking of ART. It is not because I don't love him that I had to have distance to allow healing of the disappointmetn. It is because he was not allowing SPACE and wanted to OWN ME
and if I grant that space and there is healing MAYBE we can preserve our friendship someday? BUT we can't be lovers for sure. HE gets too controlling etc... but I think maybe friends at a healthy distance? Maybe not Maybe that thought is just self-deception as he was not respecting my boundaries and crossed into abuse.

There are times to grieve the loss is the healthy and only thing to do.

I just don't see that as justifiable from my DC friend in relation to June.

I see him as protecting himself from heartache and in doing so causing HER DEEP HEARTACHE

I feel like it was unfair and self-centered and like he also never ever TOLD her of his deep attachment authentically

Whatever NOT my business their relationship
I stayed out of it
It was just painful to watch him hurt her just cause she was not in love with him

OR MAYBE SHE WAS
but just because she CHOOSE Not to have a relationship cause she was NOT BEING SELFISH

Honestly she was wise and caring in choosing not to have a relationship with him for a number of reasons. But maybe the one reason waws not honorable. Maybe it was?
It not my business

SO not going to speak of that with particularity

Other than

This topic comes back down to the fact of us being like sisters
and the DC guy having renounced her as a friend causing her heartache

WHY
Because she would not sleep with him? I mean if he LOVED her why would that be an impediment to his remaining close to her? Cause his DESIRE for her to meet his physical needs ? NO not that HIS need for his EGO to be fulfilled? YES THAT It is more ego Feeling rejected Somehow taking it personally if one woman is not attracted to him

I don't know He seems to have interest in many different women considered possibilities with many

Is it the unique individual woman in each case? OR Is it that his ego is in need of validation?

I am not sure but the fact he was interested in so many different women to me is no matter.

I mean this is the Henry Miller thing-
it does not detract

When a beloved can love many

That is the mystery of love.
We all have an infinate capacity to give and recieve
and once people figure that out

They perhaps realize love need not be MEASURED

just shared and that it is like a refillable resource

It will multiply
and overflow when you let it
and don't hold it back or try to contain it or try to hold and own it
from someone else

But just accept it

Sure healthy boundaries are NECESSARY and in fact one of the MOST loving acts.
Responsibility and not hurting others.
In reading Henry and June over the weekend(since never really finished it!! ) I am struck my Anais learning this secret that in loving more than one man it ENHANCED her ability to fully love her husband. It HELPED their marital relationship in a really concreate way for a time.
I have to keep reading as I think the lack of HONESTY however is a problem. Anais LIED
She felt the rewards of her extramarital affairs in her marriage, yet she was LYING and her husband at least acted like he thought it was a platonic friendship only with Henry feeding her WRITING Life- in one sense yet his behavior tells me he also KNEW the truth. He started to try to write poetically to Anais himself recognizing that was what was fueling her desire from Henry. So he KNEW and that was apparent when he was trying the very thing he knew she fell for. So in a way he too was complicit in lying to himself to preserve the life he and with Anais. It was like he was afraid of the whole thing being shattered if he acknowledged the truth of the situation that she and Henry had become lovers. The odd juxtaposition of his knowing but not acknowledging
which to some looks like consent.
Implicit consent and just accepting and loving the spouse
who has this NEED

yet it may be the need is just as strong to pretend as in the world they lived in ; if her husband acknowledged the reality I feel like he would not have been able to STAY married ( at that time and place in that culture and in the world as he knew it)

It was just TOO COUNTER culture
TOO antithical to the reality as he knew it-
so it was easier for his to "suspend disbelief" in his choice to love the artist Anais; the lover Anais who had such need for her growth outside of; beyond ; yet at the same time remained GROUNDED in the security of his stability and his love. This reminds me of the self and family preservation choices of my winery owner friend- the wife who deceived herself into ignoring the affairs of her husband as to acknowledge them meant she could not stay! To acknowledge his infidelity would mandate she must leave and I think therefore she waited until READY to leave to really uncover the truth. What I find most interesting in the story of Anais and Hugo is not what I can find in her diary. It is the story of Hugo. It is the story of the man who loved her enough to accept her needs he could not meet; yet in a time and place where it seemed he could not do so overtly. His covert actions seem as covert as hers in a way to preserve their marriage. It is the story of Hugo I would MOST like to read. What did he REALLY Know? What did he pretend not to know? Why and was that working for long for him; long term? Or was there are some point a total honestly between them? Was he able to know the full truth AND still accept and love Anais as his wife? Just in the open relationship? OR was the union held together by the thread of lies which if untanlged would have the marriage fall apart? This fascinates me. Because I wonder how many marraiges have threads of lies interwoven into their fabics. I just can't imagine ever creating a mosaic of a life like that. YES I have a friend who has done the same for his wife by accepting her infidelities and her lies and for years letting them weave into the fabric of their marraige. YET At some point he revealed he knew of those threads all along. He just loved his wife and never saw point in unraveling them. He looked at them as hers and he was just OK LOVING her despite the complicated tangle of who she was. I mean he really loved and accepted her. But I wonder how many can truly love so unselfishly? So undemanding of exclusivity or of feeling one is truly only yours? They are a wonderful couple now I think in the 36th year of marriage (something like that...time moves so fast I lose track of time.)
They remained married and I think are both truly happy and I think she is content know with soley her husband. I think she learned to validate herself in ways other than through attention of male lovers other than him. To me her need was of affirmation and demonstrated love and he learned how to communicate in a way that she could receive and whihc helped her feel that love. They had very different communiction and connection needs and it took years to align but I think they each were open to learning and growing. But most of all he was not ever threatened by HER need to grow in ways that others could help her that he at those moments could not. For whatever reason she was served something in those extramarital affairs that helped her grow and in the end the alchemy of it all is that it helped them grow together, despite seeming like ugly weeds. Sometimes the ugliest weeds that could potentially choke out a plant , if kept in check, might help the plant- offer shade or fertilize or nutrients needed for the plants growth. We don't always like those things which help our growth. But what fascinates me is that Anais

eventually had TWO husbands! I am fascinated how this was done through her very deceit early on- her multiple affairs aided and abetted by friends of hers. Just fascinating to me that others would lie for her.
I don't get that.
The utter narcissism of her.

YET when I look at my friends wo owned the winery together
I had MISUNDERSTOOD that the wife had provided such love and consent to her husband meeting his needs. I really thought for all those years SHE HAD TO HAVE KNOW. YET while at some level she did - she really convinced herself he was just a flirt. She really was devastated when she looked and saw the truth. She really was deceiving herself as she could not consent; did not consent to his philandering and chose to not really see it or believe it
even when it was so overtly WHO HE WAS
and he was obvious (to the rest of the world- to everyone in their world). What is so fascinating to me is that since there divorce I am rather sure he has been alone. I mean truly. He dated just a few women but nothing compared to his years of marriage when he was such a philanderer. His alcoholism and mental health issues both spiraled.

I ramble
But to say most of all
I am relieved to hear from June
EVEN though the connection got lost!!

And not exactly sure but THINK she just had a bad connection as it went static and I could not hear her anymore although the line was live ( ostensibly).

I am sure we will connect again soon.

OH and the reading of Anais?
Its like the watching of Grey's Anatomy...

Heck I don't read enough
or watch TV often enough to take it all in.
It will take YEARS to get through but I found a good story in each that I enjoy reading or watching once in a while when I want entertainment . For light watch the TV show; to muse and think deeply Anais' writing is both stunningly beautiful in her word choice and construction- absolutley poetic, and also thought provoking. Sometimes helpful. Sometimes just entertaining. Always interesting
Until it is not what I am in the mood for and put it down for long periods of time.
BUT here on my shelf among the other unfinished books worthy of picking back up again.

I feel like the more I read of her however the more clearly she was an absolute narcissist herself who lied to others, wooed others ( both men and women) to serve her interests..

I can't imagine how long it may take to get to her later works (if her work captures my interest long enough to get to them).

But she interesting... for when I am escaping for a few moments with entertaining read.
Her writing is interesting as some see it as so full of truths others would not tell.
YET she was also the consummate LIAR in her life!
That juxtaposition is fascinating.

found this I am still in the early 30s reading!! So much more.... not sure will get that far..

https://chacruna.net/anais-nin-diary-and-timothy-leary/

BUT the reading of late was helpful in parsing out MY OWN emotions regarding June.

And helpful in understanding some of the challenges of some of my friends to be honest.
I mean I could read the SELF DECEPTION Of Anais and recognize the self-deception of Dr. Fauci!
HA

Liars always lie first and foremost to themselves most of all.

I read Henry and June and don't think even ANIS believed all she herself said. Her shared actual wisdom is fascinating to see unfold amidst her woven lies.

I am so happy my friend Dr. Fauci is finally not lying to himself about his history of infidelity. He finally acknowledged (to himself!) it was due to his own insecurity and it fed into his anxiety even worse by indulging in the moments of impulsive addiction of using sex for his dopamine hit. No other way around looking at that behavior for him honestly. It was so obviously destructive- I mean self-destructive first and foremost as he DOES hold values in which he judged himself most harshly. If his values around sex were different the behaviors would affect him differently.(If he did not lie about them! He lied as he fundamentally thought them wrong.) But at his heart he is a Christian man and honestly he is so much more at peace now that he is living aligned with his values. He just I think really had to break his own addiction. And yes he did question his values! That was the most important thing- that he learn to really identify what he believes and then live authentically! I am proud of him in going through that process. He is living authentically in a monogamous relationship with his girlfriend who I believe WILL Marry him one day. He is finally OK waiting the whole of the ten years before that will happen. I think after 10 years she will trust him! She is in the meantime happy to have the $10K a month in support for her kids and to maintain her lifestyle for herself. I hope I have not misread Dr. Fauci's girlfriend! If it was a misread he will know as well in just a couple more years. If a misread she will never marry him. I think they are going on seven years now? Is that possible? I think so. I met him before COVID hit as well and it took a while before he owned up to her existence and longer still until I was informed of how long they ACTUALLY had been in relationship! (He lied about that ! HA one of the many things- to protect her. In part because SHE lies about it! Cause she and her husband were only separated technically for a couple of weeks when she met Dr. Fauci. I don't know why she is so ashamed other than her Christan upbringing- as her husband had an affair going on the whole prior couple years with her former au pair. I mean he had moved out long before and was continuing the relationship with the former au pair. I mean how classic stereotypical? The marriage was LONG OVER Yet this Christian lady feels guilt she met Fauci only weeks after I think one of them filed for divorce and she accepted it was over for good and they "officially" separated. So since only separated, not divorced officially she felt this deep shame and like she would be judged for having started her love affair with Faucci. She felt like it was the pot calling the kettle black Nonsense... Fucking nonsense Her husband was banging the NANNY!!! But she is also in a world apparently where she cares what people think of her and she did not want to be cast out of her social world but wanted to continue to meld into it. I UNDERSTAND where she lives how hard that is even as a separated or divorced person! The wealthy communities, the women in them, are certainly judgy at times and certainly the social effects of divorce are challenging. To me it is so irrelevant and inconsequential, but she CARED for her kids I think. I can only presume. She wanted them to still have friends and a new boyfriend therefore was not part of her plan. She was not going to quickly integrate anyone new into her life as she was treading water and trying to keep a boat afloat to stay in that little lake where she lives. (I am not going to judge her. Maybe she too had some court order she could not MOVE with the kids? Would not be surprised) But hell I would have been happy to get out of dodge... which I was when I moved away from the neighboring gossips. BUT I GET IT I understand all too well. I recall the first week I worked at the local supermarket Deli that whole damn little rich nook in the town - the neighbors (or those used to call neighbors) from the other large country properties- farms- estates- whatever one wants to call them- all just "happened" to go shopping in that store at that deli in succession. It was like I was the town attraction of the week they all had to come see for themselves to believe it! HA HA It was so weird. I mean one after another the old neighbors came in for their one or two deli items ( which I am sure some never had before. I hope they were surprised at the good quality ! HA HA Maybe one lucky one bought the Boars Head Corned Beef! Honestly I never bought any of that before just last week and it was worth it! That and emmentaler swiss- (I had to do a quick google) the https://www.baldorfood.com/product/cheese/dacheese9k-imported-emmentaler-swiss-cheese (Although when I shopped at the Martins grocer in Winchester I bought the "imported" swiss- which years ago when I worked at the Deli at the supermarket WAS an Emmentaler Swiss. The richer folks always asked for that... ) SIGH Anyway I wrote the whole section about my friends here when I came back to just EDIT. I don't even know why I came back to edit. I think it is cause I was going to read my rant when I was so hopping MAD that my kid was so distressed and afraid that I would ask her Dad for help on her behalf. I think I figured out AFTER That rant: MAYBE She never did even ask her Dad for help. She intially told me YOU Need to pay for this- and she did say HE SAID THAT. But later I did ask her again and she said he didn't say that specifically but implied it; and it perhaps is HER only that is thinking she did not want me to ask him as it stressed her. Maybe my being angry at him was not even warranted. Maybe she was just having major anxiety directed at me in anger. I don't really know now. I just know her anger at ME was not warranted and it was awful for her to go off on me in her anxiety and worry over this. And I was just hurt that she proactively was self-protective in her FEAR of asking him for help by going off on ME with such anger- which seemed motivated really by fear- she seemed so AFRAID of asking him for help. She is just afraid to ask for help all the time. YET I should be happy that she DOES respond when he DOES offer her help. And maybe she never directly asked but just hinted at wanting him to help buy her glasses. The thing is she is receptive when he does offer to help her with things. (Like college applications for instance) I am happy that is the case for my kid. Happy when she DOES get help and support from her Dad and she takes steps moving forward in life toward her goals. So whatever motivated her outburst; hope she does communicate with her Dad and maybe he will help her get her glasses. She contradicted herself later in discussing it. I had brought it up as wanted to point out that it made no sense for her to get angry at me if I DID ask him to help her get them. That makes absolutely no sense. I feel like she might be angry at ME for not having the money for them just now. In any case- She did not yet get a job. She had an interview and a sure thing in getting a job offer IF ONLY she finished the step which is necessary of completing the online application. For some reason she never got it done. It is much better to see her get up and go out to do something with her Dad once in a while than see her just SLEEP all day! I swear she is depressed and any time she gets up to do anything at all is good for her! She says no to my offers to do most things with her. So I am happy she did something with friends and something with Dad too the past couple days. Maybe he will offer to buy her the glasses. I was thinking once I get my credit card payment made and I have a $200 line of credit ( or whatever it is) I would just go ahead and get them for her. I mean the kid asks for SO LITTLE. What the fuck- she is asking for glasses! AS SOON as I can buy them I will if he doesn't. It just sucks that I don't have it OR even the credit line to purchase them and pay later just now. In other news the kids Dad did pick up the college student and brought him back to school. That also is appreciated that we share that responsibility of rides back and forth. So back to checking email now, to see if any work sent job hunting and also trying to file the recent weeks claims with VEC. If I can't get in on line today I will drive to the office IN PERSON again this week to accomplish that. The hold up of granting the benefit is happening I am sure to MANY. It is just such a broken, inefficient system. I enjoyed a nice walk a couple times with Bellatrix as it is nice day out. Would love to be outside more frankly! I am just have not up to running unfortunately. Maybe will try... after I get the few thing done on my to do. My eyes have been ridiculously dry the past few days. They had a weird gritty feeling. Did not like reading about that. On line diagnosis always a bad idea right?? But I did read as if it persists I am going to go back to the eye Dr. I hate doing google searchs as stuff comes up that is not likely but then it makes me think of family member issues I mean my mom had all the POTS like symptoms then lymphoma, family with all of these symptoms at one point or another ( which have come and gone) and this comes up... and I know something in past made me aware of this existence https://www.sjogrens.org/understanding-sjogrens So best to just go back to the eye dr. if it persists. However I think Dehydration is the FIRST thing to tackle. My mug at work- the one I brought there and used for the last couple years BROKE. So I have not been drinking water as diligently as usual! SO after two days working; without my mug I think the fact of not drinking enough just made me dehydrated. So I used eye drops and am hydrating. The gritty eyes were worse in the RIGHT eye AFTER the incident of getting hit near my eye, and getting the two cuts- which thanks to icing and bandaging immediately are not bad looking and healing! I am very grateful that did not leave a bruise AND that the cuts are small and healing well. I just hope the gritty feeling and dryness and slight discomfort in my right eye ... well forget hope rather I am pretty SURE that was in fact due to the impact. Something was irritated. BUT rather I hope it is just a bit of-- well bruising and inflammation AROUND or in the eye which is not serious. I just realized the very top of that eyelid - where the lashes are - actually feels a bit funny... like itchy and a throb so it feels like it had an impact and is healing. You know how when a cut is healing it is really itchy? I did have quite a blow to that eye area. So tenderness and a little discomfort is not surprising. My VISION Is fine! If it were not I would already be back at the eye Dr. But I wasn't really aware of the issue honestly until home from work and not busy and THEN aware of the dry gritty uncomfortable feeling. Its like when I am busy I don't notice the discomfort of my body. Pain and discomfort happens when I give my body time to rest! I feel like a certain amount of pain in the process of healing itself. I mean that make sense to me. And the body does that when it has time and space to do it! When still in motion some of the immune responses I feel like are ON HOLD. Which I think is why when people have trauma and are on the go and in constant motion their body never gets enough rest time for the NORMAL immune work to be done of healing and regenerating. So the result is chronic illness and eventually it manifests in severe pain. My theory anyway. My kid is out with Dad which is great- getting some things done. Its a beautiful day. Maybe when back the kid will want to paint and want help! That project is SO CLOSE to being Done! I think the kid has to be unafraid of the result of the popping bright color picked and just go with it. If it is AWFUL we can always re-do! Its not that big of a job. After picking the color the kid is afraid it is too bold I think. Tell you the primer alone and removing all the ugly dirt and drawing on the wall and the college mail that covered it, and the rearranging and new furniture is itself a HUGE improvement of that space being a nice and personal space for that kid. I am happy that we got at least that done for her. It did not magically help to pull the kid out of what looks to me like depression but it is at least a nicer environment. OK on to my to do.. I did enjoy visiting the art program reception for the artists this morning so I was out and about and it was really lovely. We have a board meeting tonight so those two items gave me some nice community oriented things to do today which I enjoy. Off to try to wrestle up some work. Last I checked I was not yet sent anything! Hoping something arrives soon from the clients I have! I will send a friendly email the the old boss reminding her of my existence and offer to help if they need it as well. I applied to a number of jobs (full time) last week as well but not anything really excited about.

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