2021-05-31 - 12:59 p.m.
I just want to share this-
I may have said it before but INTENTION is the first step to success in anything in life.
Today I am home, by intention.
My plan for this weekend was to connect with : Family, Self and Friends
SO I planned this three day weekend off work to devote time to all three.
Saturday I planned on going to a beach with my friend I used to work with whom I have been walking with regularly all year. I asked the kids if they wanted to go away for the weekend, even a day trip to a beach and they all said NO. So I made plans for just a day trip. It ended up being a rainy day. I ended up enjoying planting much of the day, getting the groundcover I bought in the front yard, and feeding all the bulbs that have had blooms die off this Spring season. (Now is the time peeps! Feed your bulbs! Then let the foilage die back gradually and wait until yellow to remove and clean that up. They need to sun to feed the bulbs.) Friday I ordered food in to have a special meal with my family at home. Something different, time at the table together to sit together.
well... I tried. One young adult came down and would not stay at the table. Said too tired and took the plate and left.
I said this is not about opinion but about respect and honoring a family time together. Individuals in community living together, whether family or just roommates learn to respectfully do things together or be respectful in a decline of an offer. I pointed out that he was being exceptionally rude in his interjection to me, saying he just has no table manners.
Then the 2nd young adult ( not yet adulting) got up and refused to sit at the table as well since as he said "Well if I am not appropriate for the table I will leave."
I heard the entitled response of the young adult who acts like they are a trust fund baby. It is seen by him as my obligation to support my adult children.
Its really disappointing to have young adults so self centered and self indulgent
I am sure I can do something to influence them-
they make it hard sometimes!
So I listened to this today as today is the focus on family day. [ oops editing here- forgot to paste the link. It is a Brenden Bechard few minutes of motivation and wisdom on how to improve relationships. Same principles for family, friends, partner/lover/spouse or even coworkers: authentic listening and caring about the other with genuine appreciation. ) I set aside Sat to visit with my lady friend I used to work with ( It rained and as we were going to head to beach that may have been factor in cancelling- but also may be her hubby not thrilled and perhaps he got off work and wanted her company. They have been married a long time and she often does her own thing- but is of course contingent on him not having need for her company/attention at the time! They balance that nicely).
I get it they are used to the feeling of not really being loved unconditionally but having been contingent only on WHAT THEY WERE DOING to SERVE the MASTER of the home-
Its almost like they are trying to prove they are still loved by testing If I do nothing will I still be accepted, will I still be loved. Why is my existance alone enough? YOU PARENTS brought be into this world. All the rest is YOUR responsibility I NEVER ASKED TO BE HERE. There is almost resentment at their own existance in a way.... this is depression speaking... I get it... this is trauma...
The space for rest without responsibility.
I think that is an artificial construct
Family should love and be an accepting space
(unless there is health care needed that can not be provided outpatient).
I mean they still are railing against that sense of being wronged and there is this frustrating displacement of their wounded anger at ME
The thing is one can't allow self to be abused by the wounded victim then coming the abuser.
Its so difficult.
Counseling is likely the best hope to help them see this- but I provided that for years
I can only really just love and support and be direct in setting a boundary of not being verbally abused.
Which I did at the dinner table by calling it out, saying that it was not acceptable to talk to me with such disrespect-
NO WONDER the first just left-
That is so sad when he does that.
So I just call it out
Which is not actually manipulative but a reality that at any point I could choose to not support a home for them. That is not any threat but a reality that if for some reason I CAN"T or did not choose to they best be prepared to care for selves and best learn skills and make effort as if they go to be roommates with ANYONE ELSE and don't pull their weight NO ONE ELSE will put up with them
NO ONE ELSE WILL LOVE UNCONDITIONALL
I can love but not enable them in being non functional when it is a CHOICE
One actually did talk to a lady at the beauty supply store about possibility of working part time. It was good to see interest. WHEN in a good mood, with good repoire, and having spent time together THEN I can inquire if my child is interested in following up.
It is on the bus line. I think a very good idea!
Because right now
Its almost like a stroke victim sometimes.
I get it- those moments make it fucking scary to go into the world to try to WORK. BUT they are moments and with regular medication, sleep, good diet and self care they don't happen all the time. They happen once in a while. They can be moments to push through. YES IT IS HARD and yes your body with POTS is in pain. But you can learn to manage still functioning while in pain.
but at some point a person either has to accept who they are fully themself and do their best with the person they are
OR they can't really feel good about doing anything and can't have confidence to try at all-
So hoping my kids get to their own self acceptance
then learn how to self love.
I feel like that is the missing piece to be honest.
They need to get beyond the thinking "I Can't " to the point of trying. That only happens with self love.
I am being patient however as believe they will grow in their own time out of this space of rest and avoidance.
They could be doing many other things to be avoidant and are not. No drinking, no drug usage, the behavior of disengaging from responsibility and playing games. ( The abusive one actually does work really hard at his college classes. He is a very hard working student. So I get it- with limited energy just doesn't HAVE any left to really help with housework. I GET IT and he actually does occasionally do dishes.)
Because he is doing his best and working hard I don't really mind cleaning and cooking and supporting my college student.
EXCEPT when it is unappreciated and met with verbal abuse.
THEN I WANT TO DISENGAGE.
FIRST by loving the person
Seeing them as worthy
It is easier to feel lovable when someone looks at you with love
So I am trying really hard to see the good and have genuine love and respect for each of my young adults living here.
Today I listened to some positive guidance on this:
and I keep thinking of Lorna Hill. Mentor to my son
"Do you know how hard it is to respect someone without self respect?
Which is why after the time with friends and family- the third priority this weekend was nurturing of self physically, spiritually, intellectually , socially connecting with others.
I made some commitments to my personal life coach after our really intense session last Wed.
So I am planning this week with intention to follow through.
I need to now find a 5K to register for. That is one of the goals . It gets me out there to exercise. That was one of the things I came up with as it is FAMILIAR , EASY, something I can easily start.
So I co-joined a NEW HABIT with that one. If I tie a new habit to the mooring run that is familiar, I am more likely to set myself up for success of meaningful change.
I want to be amazing in ALL the areas of life!
so listened to this- as YES I want to rock the family relationships.
i also want this home to be a place of peaceful content refuge. I want it to be clearn and orderly and welcoming ( not OCD clean! But comfortable!!)
I want to be able to welcome a lover HERE into my world again.
My children are fine with that under normal circumstances
So listened to this:
So my goal is to integrate on phone better.
Yes I submit.
I give up the resistance to cell phone. I can use it as a tool to get more organized and communicate more effectively to be successful in all areas of life.
Get over my own fear of commitment.
Same as any other addiction..
I really came here to share this link. the $39 plan for one year is a good intro to providing some structure of life coaching for the uninitiated.
I think it brilliant Bechard has this Growth Day app. I think this will take off and prove a helpful tool.
So I signed up.
Not going for the more expensive options as I have enough lectures, reading materials, books, resources.
After I get organized I will tackle some housekeeping. I may fit a short hike in this afternoon as well as it is another beautiful day and I long to be outside, or I might run to pick up something for lining my pots for my porch for drainage. They don't all have holes in them and I bought dirt to put some veggies in containers but realized they need better drainage first. Either I drill a hole or line the bottom so roots not too wet.
I so love working on my plants. I want to wait for the one sleeping not yet adulting nocturnal basement dweller to wake however as he might be interested in using some of the pots and choosing some plants to care for. I already asked if there was anything any of my kids wanted to do today, anywhere they wanted to go- even for a drive to practice driving a bit. Got a NO from all. I may pick a destination and ask again in a bit. Just a nice place to walk a bit and get fresh air. Will see... My neighbor would welcome any of them to join in the next canoe trip. I so hope I can convince one of them to do that! It would be SO GOOD for them to get out. They have to get over this fear of leaving the house that COVID instilled in them. SOON - the last hold out had the first shot and said he was told to schedule the 2nd after June 14th. I prodded him to schedule it. Told him ANY DAY just pick it ( when he said he had been waiting to see if I could take him). SOON... full immunity two weeks AFTER the last shot. I AM SO READY to be able to open my home to a few select peeps and SO READY To re-enter the world ! I really want to go hear live music. I saw a band I enjoy is playing one of the summer outdoor concerts I like! YEAH!
I am on a mission today of Living Room Re-claiming and Cleaning - 2021-06-13
Morning Pages Lovely temperate June Morning with Cicadas chirping as windows open. - 2021-06-13
Luigi's or Lindy's? - 2021-06-10
Summer is here, and so is Poison Ivy! ( So avoidable if one pays attention.) - 2021-06-08
Tue new month, new day and feeling renewed - 2021-06-01