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2021-05-31 - 12:59 p.m.

I just want to share this-

I may have said it before but INTENTION is the first step to success in anything in life.

Today I am home, by intention.

My plan for this weekend was to connect with : Family, Self and Friends

SO I planned this three day weekend off work to devote time to all three.

Saturday I planned on going to a beach with my friend I used to work with whom I have been walking with regularly all year. I asked the kids if they wanted to go away for the weekend, even a day trip to a beach and they all said NO. So I made plans for just a day trip. It ended up being a rainy day. I ended up enjoying planting much of the day, getting the groundcover I bought in the front yard, and feeding all the bulbs that have had blooms die off this Spring season. (Now is the time peeps! Feed your bulbs! Then let the foilage die back gradually and wait until yellow to remove and clean that up. They need to sun to feed the bulbs.) Friday I ordered food in to have a special meal with my family at home. Something different, time at the table together to sit together.

well... I tried. One young adult came down and would not stay at the table. Said too tired and took the plate and left.
I did ask that they try to just sit at the table for a family meal.
Then the other young adult "packed" with the tired one and was downright abusive in his response attacking me -
that I was not accepting someone else's opinion, essentially being controlling, not allowing their individuality.

I said this is not about opinion but about respect and honoring a family time together. Individuals in community living together, whether family or just roommates learn to respectfully do things together or be respectful in a decline of an offer. I pointed out that he was being exceptionally rude in his interjection to me, saying he just has no table manners.

Then the 2nd young adult ( not yet adulting) got up and refused to sit at the table as well since as he said "Well if I am not appropriate for the table I will leave."
I did comment that I didn't HAVE To order a nice meal for us all. I could just get it for myself next time. I could go out.

I heard the entitled response of the young adult who acts like they are a trust fund baby. It is seen by him as my obligation to support my adult children.

Its really disappointing to have young adults so self centered and self indulgent
and frankly addicted to their own comfort without responsibility.

I am sure I can do something to influence them-
but honestly the thing I am trying most to do is to spend time with them and try to develop a sense of appreciation for their presence-

they make it hard sometimes!

So I listened to this today as today is the focus on family day. [ oops editing here- forgot to paste the link. It is a Brenden Bechard few minutes of motivation and wisdom on how to improve relationships. Same principles for family, friends, partner/lover/spouse or even coworkers: authentic listening and caring about the other with genuine appreciation. ) I set aside Sat to visit with my lady friend I used to work with ( It rained and as we were going to head to beach that may have been factor in cancelling- but also may be her hubby not thrilled and perhaps he got off work and wanted her company. They have been married a long time and she often does her own thing- but is of course contingent on him not having need for her company/attention at the time! They balance that nicely).

I think this is helpful. I get it that they have been dismissed, disregarded. not respected/

I get it they are used to the feeling of not really being loved unconditionally but having been contingent only on WHAT THEY WERE DOING to SERVE the MASTER of the home-
Lord of the Manor as my family mockingly called their overlord.

Its almost like they are trying to prove they are still loved by testing If I do nothing will I still be accepted, will I still be loved. Why is my existance alone enough? YOU PARENTS brought be into this world. All the rest is YOUR responsibility I NEVER ASKED TO BE HERE. There is almost resentment at their own existance in a way.... this is depression speaking... I get it... this is trauma...
and I believe just time is what is needed.

The space for rest without responsibility.
When needed most often in a hospital, right? As the person can not function. Can not do anything-
but that need for hospitalization being the ONLY WAY is a BS measure in a way as the worth of a person , their functioning is measured by how one functions in a community- in a family a school a job-
SO OK to just rest if severed from those but NOT ok to rest while remaining in a family?

I think that is an artificial construct

Family should love and be an accepting space
Not just a hospital

(unless there is health care needed that can not be provided outpatient).

I mean they still are railing against that sense of being wronged and there is this frustrating displacement of their wounded anger at ME

The thing is one can't allow self to be abused by the wounded victim then coming the abuser.

Its so difficult.

Counseling is likely the best hope to help them see this- but I provided that for years
and they are not minors.
It is not up to me to propel their growth , their healing any more.

I can only really just love and support and be direct in setting a boundary of not being verbally abused.

Which I did at the dinner table by calling it out, saying that it was not acceptable to talk to me with such disrespect-
and it was not appropriate to interfere when I was having conversation with sibling
( Who was not disrespectful even thought would not stay at the table. Their leaving was not really done rudely. It was almost liket hey didn't get it- this autistic young adult- that the expectation to sit at table for a nice somewhat special family meal ordered in was there...
It was like they needed the reminder-
but then the older sibling toxically packed with the younger and was abusive

NO WONDER the first just left-
I WANTED To leave at that point to when the abusive one latched onto the opportunity to be critical, to put me down-
to abuse verbally

That is so sad when he does that.

So I just call it out
Remind that I have NO OBLIGATION to support this adult
Which is seen as being manipulative and threatening to kick them out.

Which is not actually manipulative but a reality that at any point I could choose to not support a home for them. That is not any threat but a reality that if for some reason I CAN"T or did not choose to they best be prepared to care for selves and best learn skills and make effort as if they go to be roommates with ANYONE ELSE and don't pull their weight NO ONE ELSE will put up with them


I can love but not enable them in being non functional when it is a CHOICE
yet I know they are not really ready to hear that yet.. not quite ready to be pushed. I will do that when it is time. I am confident I will know this
and that gentle encouragement will be more effective.

One actually did talk to a lady at the beauty supply store about possibility of working part time. It was good to see interest. WHEN in a good mood, with good repoire, and having spent time together THEN I can inquire if my child is interested in following up.

It is on the bus line. I think a very good idea!

Because right now
IT is not due to disability that they are not seeking part time work their bodies can handle . It is a CHOICE
and I get it- it is fear driven. It is fucking scary to know that sometimes when you stand your body just doesn't have the normal regulation of most people. Your hear rate may be racing like mad, your hands will pool blood and turn purple even in summer because your circulation does not work, your brain doesn't work all the time- with brain fog and mental processing so when someone speaks it may be a delay before your can deconstruct the input of sound to comprehend it and then respond.

Its almost like a stroke victim sometimes.

I get it- those moments make it fucking scary to go into the world to try to WORK. BUT they are moments and with regular medication, sleep, good diet and self care they don't happen all the time. They happen once in a while. They can be moments to push through. YES IT IS HARD and yes your body with POTS is in pain. But you can learn to manage still functioning while in pain.
NO it is not easy
and YES That sucks

but at some point a person either has to accept who they are fully themself and do their best with the person they are

OR they can't really feel good about doing anything and can't have confidence to try at all-

So hoping my kids get to their own self acceptance

then learn how to self love.

I feel like that is the missing piece to be honest.

They need to get beyond the thinking "I Can't " to the point of trying. That only happens with self love.

I am being patient however as believe they will grow in their own time out of this space of rest and avoidance.

They could be doing many other things to be avoidant and are not. No drinking, no drug usage, the behavior of disengaging from responsibility and playing games. ( The abusive one actually does work really hard at his college classes. He is a very hard working student. So I get it- with limited energy just doesn't HAVE any left to really help with housework. I GET IT and he actually does occasionally do dishes.)

Because he is doing his best and working hard I don't really mind cleaning and cooking and supporting my college student.

EXCEPT when it is unappreciated and met with verbal abuse.


But I ask- so how does one teach self love?

FIRST by loving the person
YES unconditionally

Seeing them as worthy
just by being
just by being themself

And then
If there is worth and love of another it is really easier to start seeing oneself as lovable.

It is easier to feel lovable when someone looks at you with love
when someone looks at you with respect.

So I am trying really hard to see the good and have genuine love and respect for each of my young adults living here.

Today I listened to some positive guidance on this:

and I keep thinking of Lorna Hill. Mentor to my son

"Do you know how hard it is to respect someone without self respect?
Do you know how hard it is to LOVE someone without self respect?"

YES Lorna
I do.
But I am hoping to succeed.
By modeling and teaching self respect.

Which is why after the time with friends and family- the third priority this weekend was nurturing of self physically, spiritually, intellectually , socially connecting with others.

I made some commitments to my personal life coach after our really intense session last Wed.

So I am planning this week with intention to follow through.

I need to now find a 5K to register for. That is one of the goals . It gets me out there to exercise. That was one of the things I came up with as it is FAMILIAR , EASY, something I can easily start.

So I co-joined a NEW HABIT with that one. If I tie a new habit to the mooring run that is familiar, I am more likely to set myself up for success of meaningful change.

I want to be amazing in ALL the areas of life!

so listened to this- as YES I want to rock the family relationships.

i also want this home to be a place of peaceful content refuge. I want it to be clearn and orderly and welcoming ( not OCD clean! But comfortable!!)

I want to be able to welcome a lover HERE into my world again.

My children are fine with that under normal circumstances
COVID changed that but I need for them ( once all vaccinated( to be REALLY GOOD ROOMMATES and offer ME the respect of my space and atonomy as an adult that requires meaningful relationships with others, friends, and if so lucky and it were to manifest in my life- yes a lover (or lovers as it may be!).

So listened to this:
Have the growth app- helpful as use the planner OR HAVE used the planner I bought from Brenden Berchard intermittently and need to be more focused, habitual and disciplines about planning EACH day.

So my goal is to integrate on phone better.

Yes I submit.
I give up my resistance.
And it is amazing what things happen.
I mean when willing to connect... using tools of the world,..
when willing to COMMUNICATE with others.

I give up the resistance to cell phone. I can use it as a tool to get more organized and communicate more effectively to be successful in all areas of life.

Get over my own fear of commitment.
I did that in work spaces
but I know that is because that is AVOIDANCE of having to do so in personal spaced. Success at work is a real easy way to validate esteem while at the same time actually avoiding intimacy,

Same as any other addiction..
but I digress,,,

I really came here to share this link. the $39 plan for one year is a good intro to providing some structure of life coaching for the uninitiated.

I think it brilliant Bechard has this Growth Day app. I think this will take off and prove a helpful tool.

So I signed up.

Not going for the more expensive options as I have enough lectures, reading materials, books, resources.
I am familiar with the whole self help genre.
I ENJOY It and do find it a good use of my time (hokey though it may be. And Yes some of it more "out there" than others.. but thing is I like some that is seemingly out there are first. I LOVE reading the books on Mary Magdalene for example as the first apostle, AND Daughter of Isis, I have enjoyed some marvelous prayer and meditations on those themes.. the tantric like melding of sexuality and spirituality. Some think that out there and I think it marvelous and wonderful.)

After I get organized I will tackle some housekeeping. I may fit a short hike in this afternoon as well as it is another beautiful day and I long to be outside, or I might run to pick up something for lining my pots for my porch for drainage. They don't all have holes in them and I bought dirt to put some veggies in containers but realized they need better drainage first. Either I drill a hole or line the bottom so roots not too wet.

I so love working on my plants. I want to wait for the one sleeping not yet adulting nocturnal basement dweller to wake however as he might be interested in using some of the pots and choosing some plants to care for. I already asked if there was anything any of my kids wanted to do today, anywhere they wanted to go- even for a drive to practice driving a bit. Got a NO from all. I may pick a destination and ask again in a bit. Just a nice place to walk a bit and get fresh air. Will see... My neighbor would welcome any of them to join in the next canoe trip. I so hope I can convince one of them to do that! It would be SO GOOD for them to get out. They have to get over this fear of leaving the house that COVID instilled in them. SOON - the last hold out had the first shot and said he was told to schedule the 2nd after June 14th. I prodded him to schedule it. Told him ANY DAY just pick it ( when he said he had been waiting to see if I could take him). SOON... full immunity two weeks AFTER the last shot. I AM SO READY to be able to open my home to a few select peeps and SO READY To re-enter the world ! I really want to go hear live music. I saw a band I enjoy is playing one of the summer outdoor concerts I like! YEAH!

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