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2020-08-22 - 10:09 a.m.

I found the cutest thing!

Sat morn nap interruption from a Quicken loam sales call irritated me.
I was up early, 6ish, and hit some AM chores. I enjoyed breakfast of delicious peaches in yogurt.

This was a crazy long busy week at work, following same last week.

I suppose it was two weeks ago hot call from the DC guy dated a bit before and during Covid who was lookimg forward yo getting together. Kinda CV put off dating during crazy epidemic.

Thing is I am just not ready yet ..

Nit feeling great about safety yet with house full of folks immunocompromised
I have to be responsible.

But after a nice conversation I said sounded good to get together today, perhaps stay there tonight .

Quicky felt BAD idea, despite interest , so a few days later called and cancelled. I hate having done that but move in for college child pushed further than planned for one thing and HS student here too.

So was looking forward to being HOME

Sounds crazy I know in this time to crave quiet time HOME!!

But I do!!
I do WORK from home but that is almost like an outer body experience of transported somewhere else and not present here!!
But for real!

My reality working from home is sucked into the computer...
Tasks at hand from the otherworld of work.

OBLIVIOUS to the physical surroundings while in my zone!

Its this rare gift of hyperfocus we ADHD have as our superpower, to work innane hours uninterrupted non stop
Sure our rate of performance might be slower, but the hyperfocus and time put in with attention to detail ( with great intentionality as it is not natural) results in really good work.

The only challenge is it takes much time and energy.

Like you normative folks get stuff done in 8 hrs, but We get it done in 12

And then look up to the SEE and allow awareness of surrounding environment come back in and bring us back to reality of here and now,

To be aware of ( in my case)
Self absorbed teens playing a video game,
Or sleeping still (a POTS thing....) after something normal for 14 hrs straight perhaps....

And the trash pile of recycles set next to the trash can rather than having been carried the 4 feet further to be placed outside in a recycle bin
And sink and counter filled with dishes needing washing.

And that its dark outside, the dog needs walking now, and the teens should all eat a healthy meal ...

So when this hapoens to me I clean then cook and we do enjoy a meal together sometimes . Sometimes there is more than one sleeper not functioning ( this happens with those with chronic illness regardless of day/ time with no predictablily. There can be days on end with more normative sleep patterns that a kicked in but then a crash will hit).

So my news is I just needed this weekend home after non stop work. I worked last weekend at the retirement community and when I have a weekend with actual days off work its really hard to think of having energy to get the house cleaning and catch up on chores let alone plan social outings far from home for any period of time regardless of COVID.

But to lead up to the cutest found thing.... this is related, promise....

will get there.

So I cancel plans to connect.

I could write of the other men in my life, but I won't other than to say... Buffalo guy disappoints as he would have been the exception of the one whom I would have shared intimacy with trust without reservation (not sure that would be wise but hey would have), when he came through AFTER visiting his parents in their 80s. I mean he loves his parents so trust he is not an idiot and would not want to kill them so was being SAFE before the trip. We met for nice walk on his way down to their place and he did stop for a lovely lunch with me.. but the thing is on that leg back I told him I could not offer a place to stay due to COVID.

You know the responsible mother of chronically ill thing....

Which I figured he would understand,

BUT. I FIGURED ON WAY BACK we COULD enjoy quiet romantic time here in this beautiful area. He actually asked "What would we do? If you dont want to go anywhere?"

At which point I swear I wonder if he too is on the spectrum...I mean moreso than his OBVIOUS challenges with ADHD.

But then the fact he kept talking of calling his buddies to connect and stay, and he wanted to do that was clear. But it was disappointing because I seriously think one factor is actually alcohol

The buddies and he drink...

I don't much...I mean a glass of wine here or there....

I think he missed my mention that my winery owner friend might even be happy to host. The winery closed but he has space....


He preferred to stay n drink with buddies and literally only committed to coming here to see me when his guy friend who lives an hour and a half South confirmed the quickest route to there and his folks IS BY WHERE I LIVE avoiding congestion of major cities.

The misogony of our conversations get old. Pattern over three years of him disregarding what I say until a guy friend says same.
Pattern of inability to plan or commit ahead of time to ANYTHING which he gets upset his friends call him out on.

So all this is lead up as I swear it ironic too I think he truly has issue with alcohol so after week with folks was itching to drink a bit more as sure he had scaled back some....definately some dependency there pretty obvious to me.

Ironic as my one suggestion had he wanted to stay with me somewhere was I ask if my winery owner friend would host.

My friend LOVES to be a host and also loves company as he drinks daily./p>

So rather than consider that idea it was dismissed

Ironic as those two would hit it off.
That us another story....similar views of the men in my world opposite from mine.

But this is the kicker.

My Buffalo friend had an ugly rant once about trans folks. I just listened.
It was pretty ugly.

My winery owner friend has done same, but in venting, and processing , despite the rants still loving his child he may in short term be ugly to in the immaturity of somehow taking it as an offense his boy born son now wants to be daughter.

Fact my friend made the tramsition of talking of his two daughters when last chatted was progress. It was said without indignation, sarcasm, but in tone of resignation.
Start of accepting what he can not change.
His child's choice is NOT about him.

Really it is not.
It is not a reflection of his parenting.

So I wondered about how his now daughter is doing....
Despite her father's misogyny. sexist homophobic and narcissistic tendencies that result in some immature behaviors...oh yeah and sometimes abusive alcoholic. . .

( did I PICK my friends in my world??? or are the few those who have boundry issues and pushed through boundaries such that they are the only ones kept in my world cause I welcome them despite flaws but keep my own healthy boundaries with them???? Lol)

For the cutest thing:/p>

My winery , family farm owner friends trans chick designed a video game where the player raises chickens!!!

I know she is alright!! Just made my morning as I ate peaches for breakfast from the trees she helped plant on the farm/winery where I stopped after work to pick up eggs on Thu night.

It was 8:30 pm as I was driving home from the office and received a text "If you stop by for eggs grab a bag of peaches from the fridge"

I said Yes!
The next text came "Are you hungry? I just stopped working and am cooking"

Oh yes!! This time after I cut up pounds of peaches, all those ripe with bad spots that were packed to bring home to my freezer, I took my some time to read all those medals hanging on the bottles of wine.
Indeed my friend has issues,
But he is a fine winemaker and cook that gets joy in sharing those gifts with others.

Gold metal from a Napa Valley wine competition hangs on a bottle of the blackberry wine.

Silver from a Finger lakes competition for one of his whites (forget which).

There are about a dozen of bottles over the last 10 years adorned with medals.

It was fun to carefully apprechiate them and his family who did all the farm work alongside him and then enjoy some Chinese dish with tofu I forget the name of and Chicken Satay he had marinated for days then grilled as he directed me in cooking the sauce.
What a great break that really energized me for the final long day of work! Amazing how that was so good for my spirit!

Now taking Bellatrix for a walk, then chores and maybe later can find the raising chickens game and my teens will wake and enjoy it!

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