2021-08-05 - 8:13 a.m.

I suppose I clicked on the below Dear Abby for a reason. I was actually thinking of "Dr. Fauci's" wife and girlfriend and the Buffalo guy I dated who had a girlfriend for 12 years as read the letter ( yes 12 years of non committed but she thought it was monogamous) and he cheated on her a dozen times (basically whenever she talked to him about commitment). I was just wondering what that girlfriend would feel/think when/if she found out Or that wife.... and I wondered that neither of those women ( to my knowledge, as it is the belief of their cheating men) had a clue about the behavior of their guy.The serial cheating man....

FIRST THE LETTER:
DEAR ABBY: I met my husband on the job when we were one year out of school. We are both 36. We dated for three years and were compatible in every way. Ten years later, we have two kids (7 and 5), own a home and are financially secure. When we dated, we discussed our “history,” and he told me that he’d had five prior girlfriends. I had three boyfriends in college. Well, I learned a few months ago — at his reunion — that he completely “forgot” the part about his competitive frat-boy past with hook-ups and one-night stands. He now estimates that he was with over 50 different girls during college, but says it “shouldn’t bother me” because it was meaningless sex and in the past. He said he told me “five” because they were the ones he counted as relationships.

Now I see women on his social media who went to the same school and I obsess about how they fit into his past. It’s driving me crazy, and I feel like just a number now. I know if this situation were reversed, he’d flip out about it. I wish I had never found this out because I see him differently now, and no longer want to be close to him. He’s a good father and husband, but I’m struggling with how to accept this new information, and I need some guidance. -- WISH I DIDN’T KNOW

DEAR WISH: People usually lie because they aren’t proud of the truth. You say he has been a good husband and father. This is why you need to find it in your heart to forgive him. If you have caught him in lies since then, you have a reason to be reacting the way you have. However, if you haven’t, please consider talking with a licensed marriage and family therapist until you have worked it through. The resentment you feel could destroy your marriage. Please do not let that happen."

https://www.silive.com/news/2021/06/dear-abby-im-devastated-to-learn-of-my-husbands-prior-conquests.html

I can relate to how this woman feels about her husband. I think once I learned that the Buffalo guy had been a serial cheater I just no longer thought of him as one possible of being in a committed relationship.

No resentment.
Just more like a judgement. It is a decision that the person is not trustworthy without any resentment. No I have no resentment whatsoever ( as I never married a man like this- just had a non commital dating relationship of late but when I was dating and ther person cheated and revealed self as a seriel cheater THEN I had resentment and now am left with distrust.)

For me it is more my judgement that I CAN NOT TRUST THIS PERSON. Not that the person couldn't ever commit necessarily as the core reason they are not commitment worthy, but that this person has trouble being Honest and upfront and that this person has a fall back pattern of lying and deceit which is a recipe for disaster in a relationship.
My brain said in hearing of the cheating
"OH! OK IT is what it is. This is not a long term relationship. His fear of commitment runs deep and MY distrust of anyone with that behavior pattern is too sound for me to put myself in a position of reliant on trust of such a person who is not trustworthy. He is not worthy of my consideration for a potential mate."

YUP that is what my brain says.

It had a very different response to the player guy who had many lovers over the years, often at the same time, and was unabashedly OPEN about being polyamorous.

I had ABSOLUTE trust of him

As he was ABSOLUTELY honest about who he is. what he wanted in each relationship, and why.

Being the Marine deployed again and again, not only was he not going to be in a commitment and put a partner through that kind of relationship of expecting monogamy from each when he was away and having to live up to that; but he also KNEW that when it came time to commit he would have no issues with commitment but WOULD have the PTSD that is part of who he is. He KNEW he had anger issues to work on; triggers to work on so if he wanted a sustainable healthy marriage he best work on self POST SERVICE in order to have the skills to have a successful marriage.

He was very clear in what he wanted. He was not going to rush into commitment but would think about marriage and KNEW he wanted to get married LATER. ONCE done with deployment, once healed to an extent from the PTSD and horrors he lived through that he very willingly and knowingly subjected himself to. So while he was dating casually and enjoying a really good sex life ( with multiple partners) he was really focusing on healing. He was focusing on facilitating a PTSD group and furthering his education and working as a physical fitness coach.

He was so clear in his intention and also showed ability to commit and follow through in life with a number of things. His life of service has been one of intense loyalty and commitment. He is the opposite in that he has the ability to follow thought on such even when it gets hard. ( Now Dr. Fauci was also a Marine and deployed a couple times but he is just emotionally much more vulnerable when it comes to women frankly! His ego is more in need of validation from women for some reason and he just loves good sex and has a really high libido! )

I think the biggest problem I have with the cheaters that lie is that its a pattern of not letting someone else fully know you who you are, pretending to be someone else when with your partner. I feel like there needs to be a healthy relationship of fully sharing who you are while carving out space for self within the partnership/ new thing created. Not hiding self- but honoring self, and there is a big difference. There has to be balance. There had to be a sense of self but a willingness to let go of some parts of self interest and submit to the other at times as well. That relationship dance requires quite a balance! I see cheating as ultimately driven either by complete lack of impulse control OR more pathological due to fear of losing self so a need of asserting a self because one has not carved out enough space and time for self while navigating a relationship such that the cheating is the quick EASY Fix of autonomy assertation.

That is my read. I see that Dr. Fauci could not relax and just enjoy his time with me as a FRIEND ( since I friend zoned him) when we went canoeing that one afternoon as he was so enmeshed and needed the validation and connection of his lover. It was amazing to me that he could not be honest with her and just tell her he was going to take the canoe out with his neighbor and friend or take some time for himself without worry and concern. He was SO neurotic! So anxious and needing to hear from her. His need for validation is astounding to me as I am frankly the opposite.

Enough moring rambling... time to get up and get to work today. I was a bit tired this morning.
Catching up I feel like from last week still. Working the extra hours last week at the part time job hit my body much harder than I expected. Of course if I had to do that all the time my body would adjust (to what is likely sleep deprivation! I think so many overwork and are sleep deprived!)
Sure I could do it and get used to it but feeling very blessed I don't HAVE TO DO THAT.

But one last thing as this is still in my head.
I don't think I wrote about the manufactured fight , but it seemed so much like there was nothing wrong nothing to fight about and my Buffalo guy was finally here in VA visiting me and staying with me in a bed and breakfast and he picked a fight, well really picked two... or continued a fight the next morning that he started the night before in what I just see as an avoidance of intimacy frankly.

It was over NOTHING really

it was bizarre to me..
but smacked of need for a dopamine hit.... the need to have an argument? It was so odd

I mean there was an inability of his to relax and just BE.

It made no sense to me for him to not be able to relax and just come into my world and experience my days sharing a couple with me.

He made the comment about wanting to "Make a plan" as we arrived at the B&B
and I was so perplexed
said
" The plan is to go sit on the porch and relax and visit. We need NO PLAN. Then get up and enjoy this beautiful space we are in tomorrow morning"

I mean we had only one night in this gorgeous bed and breakfast and we got there and he picked a fight over not having a plan of what we were doing the next day.

Doing nothing....

IT was so bizarre to me... but the insight into what that was actually about for him comes from one thing he blurted out

In fear I realize
In honesty as he asked

"What am I supposed to just follow you around?"

WOW

That utterance when he was upset (and I was so having trouble even "getting it" as to WHY he was upset and getting angrier by the minute as he was asking me questions and I was looking at him not understanding even what he was expecting in response. He would get angry when I said "PLan what? ")

It seemed just a control issue. He was out of his element and out of his environment and he felt like he was not in control I think.

That fear of losing of self.

"What am I expected to just follow you around?"

That fear of not being in control.

WOW

He told me his EX said he had trouble with control. He thinks because every decision is shared that he does not have control issues.

He is wrong.

THAT is his way of being in control. He has to be involved in EVERY little decision. It is trying, challenging, makes planning a freaking PIA EVERY TIME.

It is never EASY.

He suffers from inability to make a decision autonomously as well as inability to not be involved in decision making it seems; then he is indecisive and non committal in making any plans at all ahead of time. So there seemed to me alot of projection going on is his weird odd sudden attack of me and asking me to plan once we arrived at the destination itself.

I have been OK with that likely as it is long distance and our plans involve travel which are the kinds of things that are often joint decisions.

But if he does that with every damn thing in LIFE when with a partner that would be exceptionally challenging. ENMESHED Yeah no wonder then he needed to assert self somehow.

I think that there is a pattern here for both him and Dr. Fauci ( and I can go into my Ex husband #2) that in some sense is about feeling need to be in control being what makes them each feel SECURE to some extent.

I just can't figure out for the life of me why I WAS ATTRACTED to men with control issues.

I still can't figure that out.
I love giving up control some times
But I also then love just SURPRISING my lover by planning things and I LIKE The TOTAL control and total creativity of making up a complete plan in anticipation and then bringing my lover into that space to experience joy of delightful surprise. To me that can be so very erotic ( on either the giving or receiving end!) .

I love to offer the surprise.

The fun of a relationship to me is in those moments where each can surprise and delight the other. But there has to be MUTUAL TRUST.

Enough rant. I feel like the past couple guys I have dated were not really emotionally fully available...Off to work ! Realize this is my rant as I am contemplating when to visit Buffalo guy again. We discussed September but now with increase in COVID that changes my comfort level for travel for one thing; but frankly it is not worth it to me to go spend time with someone who is not enjoying my company but is picking a fight and avoiding intimacy. Hell my free time , my ME TIME if far more valuable than that. I know I was not into going into DC anymore and was delighted to spend time with my Buffalo guy as he made great effort to reach out and let me know how much he values our relationship for what it is of late. He had been really expressive in some ways. But the problem is when TOGETHER he then picked that fight and avoided physical intimacy it seemed. We did get through that hurdle eventually and DID enjoy some time together but damn it was so much work to move through issues... Maybe EVERY relationship has that kinda work but it felt like it was just too much... and if felt like if he was so triggered by me in ONE DAY...hell what I do may just set him off ... or what I don't do... It was all about control. I just don't have much energy for that kind of relationship. So happy to see him, but when I miss him and want his company... and feeling like Sept just too soon frankly. Yeah... six months more like it... I just don't have the inclination to expend energy traveling for someone who wants to pick fights with me.

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