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2021-09-18 - 4:54 a.m.

Damn. I hate canker sores

Not contagious

I somehow always forget that.

I am not sure I BELIEVE they are not contagious. I say that as used the wrong toothbrush inadvertently when traveling and I swear have had wicked painful canker sores since. Seems like a correlation....possible exposure to some bacteria or something not otherwise exposed to? But maybe it is just overactive immune system triggered by asthma and allergies.

I just realky thought the toothbrush I picked up was mine and then recalled I set mine elsewhere....

Was not too concerned as it was my lovers( I think?) Although he had a house guest....but his friend had a bag with his stuff in it.

Not that we otherwise were all that intimate. . . I mean my lover is not a big fan of kissing. Pet peeve of mine...
That he is a nice guy fun to spend time with but not very interested in intimacy.

I only see him once in a blue moon do have no real big issue but do find it frustrating. Damn I understand why his Ex girlfriend was reading that darn book...what's it cslked...50 Shades of Grey ...when in her bikini at the beach....or anywhere...
She was hoping he would pick it up and read it too I bet and likely hoping he would explore with her. He took ot to mean she was on the prowl and advertisingherself by carrying it publicly and leaving it visible in her car! I think many women are very naive to men's insecurities and some men are too insecure to really discuss issues and work on them effectively.

Anyway, the canker sore thing is so aggrevsting as they are persisting. Wonder if related to the major discomfort of bring around cigarette second hand smoke? That still is triggering my allergies.

I have been leaving my windows open and running a fan near the thrift store couch.

I think it has helped air out the couch. I think it smells less of smoke , which is ever so faint. In the course of doing that of course that meant the residual smoke was circulated in the air so the whole place has been smelling MORE like residual stale cigarette smoke!

I also oddly have been consistently waking in the middle of the night, well more like early morning. 3 am or so? Adrenaline rush I suppose.

Then awake for a while then finally fall back asleep.

I am sure could fall asleep faster if I did not get impatient and decide to go on social media and scroll, or get up and do some chores.

I emotionally felt super cranky today. Funny as ran three times this week and that was so good! Reminds me I should hit up my running partner to run early tomorrow as we did not set a time.

I actually KNOW a factor in feeling like crap;

I worked longer hours the past two days. 8nhrs both days. Since working full time hours and not having time to destress and decompress over only two days I have the tightest muscles in my shoulders and so much tension and stress held.

I had volunteer commitments both of the past two days. One was the Allyship workshop with NAAP on Thu, then helping with Marching Bsnd Fri.

That workshop is valuable but exhausting and I think actually depressing at times. I mean it sucks to think about and learn of actual systemic racism. It sucks to be fully aware of every microagression. Some mock the "woke " culture but truth be told if you are not woke you have not paid attention to the realities out there.

Sure it FEELS better to be happy in a bubble of naivete. I GET it how some wish to retain that for their kids. I recall arguing same TO A POINT with my MIL years ago regarding benefits of raising kids counter culture innocent of the world and its ills. But my stance of having no TV and no intro to pop culture for young kids ( as long as can insulate them from it) is VERY DISTINCT from advocating ignoring actual history and not teaching facts that make one uncomfortable. At some point kids enter society and they need to be equipped to handle the ills therein. Happy childhood with less stress definitely makes emotionslly stronger folks than stressful childhood does. So once in school I am all for teaching of the world 🌎 including the sometimes ugly actual history of our own great county. Teach the amazing things of our USA 🇺🇸 but don't white wash and sanitize the parts we are shamed by.

I have to go back to sleep. . . Just cam on line to vent!

And posted to remind self as always forget that I CAN go spend time with friends ( OK here really mean friends with benefits....) if have a canker sore or a few...
As it is not herpes!!

The discomfort and my forgetting was hindering my enthusiasm for making plans .

I should not let it.
There are always opportunities frankly to connect with a lover. True... but also true I am not interested.
I just want friendship from the men in my life here in VA...

But there is one exception. The young man ( yes he is actually considerable younger) who I had an incredibly fun time with in the Spring ( fun downplays our encounter was amazing) texted me and we just had such a fun conversation last night.

The timing of him reaching out is wonderful as he was just on my mind. I wrote a poem inspired by our tryst that emerged as I walked Bellatrix just the day before over the same green spaces I spent time with him at.

Haven't been in touch in a long time ( perfect lol. Not necessarily...I just joke
yeah I am not yet inclined to want a real relationship with the responsilities of such any time too soon....I can barely keep up with the responsibilities of home and my kids so can not imagine adding a responsibility of a deep adult relationship just yet.)

But then I wonder if I was led by fear in past. Is that just fear speaking?
And what if we all really do have a soul mate? Would I reject my soul mate out of fear?

I say this as sometimes there is just an unexplainable , unexpected, remarkable wonderful , palpable connection with visceral and almost spiritual attraction and a meeting of minds. It's the easy connection and compatability and resonance of similar ways of viewing the world. I felt that years ago with this then very young man and of course completely disregarded it. Ignored it. Did not give it space or acknowledge it. No

Made no sense for such to manifest.
Thought it away...

Oh no.


BUT WOW when a good 10 yrs later saw this now older man, now mid 30s...well OK.

Will be open to possibilities.

So far the surprise of the reality of shared attraction and interest in and of itself is such a gift.
I was happy with that but happy to also be open to where this goes.

I am letting the gentleman lead.
(YES I learned a bit of that valuable lesson from Latin dancing 💃)

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