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2021-12-14 - 11:26 p.m.

I just purchased a new health plan for the new year since I do not have insurance via my employer.
SO GLAD to have that done!
I had to also add my kid whose Dad said has dropped from his insurance ( not sure if he really did that or not but best be careful and ensure coverage). That wasn't so bad- cost me an extra $150 out of pocket a month over what it cost last year just for my own coverage.

My weekend job is low wage; so I dump that into a retirement fund. Its just a couple thousand dollars a year that I earn there.
I needed to bump up my retirement fund which was depleted by my divorce (and ongoing litigation fighting over custody). I am at the same amount I had saved about ten years ago NOW. It took me that long to add to the retirement fund to have what I had saved back then.

So I decided to put something into my IRA this year ( as I was filling out the income statement for the marketplace to purchase the health insurance plan.) There was a question on that -
and I decided then ( just a couple days ago) to put some money into my IRA.

I thought- "This is a good financial move. Let me trust I am doing a good job and am not going to get fired and will have enough cash flow to pay my bills as will get some bonus too as well as next paycheck."

The crazy thing is I have been so NERVOUS at work the past couple weeks as I had a performance review.
NOW in the past I never found them nerve racking EVER

I mean NEVER- EVEN when I had jobs in which there were some areas I KNEW I had some growth needed. EVEN When there were challenges. I NEVER was ANXIOUS Like I was this time around.

I completed the review and sent it to my boss weeks ago. And EVER SINCE I have been seriously anxious.

I realize it is actually a post traumatic response- no kidding- real trigger for me
as it was RIGHT BEFORE the holidays
and When given the annual review
that I was let go of my LAST JOB.

AND it was also around the same time ( Even though this was YEARS AGO ) that the big fortune 100 company I was at was laying off tons of folks and finding excuses to fire tons of folks.


EVEN THOUGH I KNOW there was not performance to make it justifiable to fire me

* honestly in the Fortune 100 company it was hilarious - once I was fired and had been DIRECTLY Handling negotiations along with one PM for a BUNCH of MAJOR companies that had security services contracts-

NO LIE They canned both of us and within a couple month I heard on the news of security breaches at a number of those companies--

and I knew EXACTLY WHY..... they canned the providers of the actual security service product sold. I mean the actual ENGINEERS running the security checks. The pen testers; the expert hackers hired to reinforce the safety of systems. Not a good idea to get rid of those folks when your business is reliant on them!! This is not exaggerated... whole security teams from the SOC were gutted/ and then some quit actually after some firings... there was a dumb pruning and the services were not being provided well.

Oh and they canned me- the contract manager on a bunch of those accounts. Now honestly they did not prepare.

No naming of companies .NO NDA violations EVER but *FACT* Large Companies sometimes have leadership that don't dig into the weeds enough to know how things work and it generally is a bad idea to FIRE the people who are handling the actual RELATIONSHIPS and handling the actual DELIVERY of services under your contracts for some major products ALL AT ONCE and think you can remain viable in a market!!

That company is not now known for being in that security space-- for a reason. They started strong and blew it..

SO I KNOW All this
I KNOW I rocked that job
( My technical knowledge then was deep. I haven't dug in the engineering specs weeds to that extent since.. but I still can't stand a SOW that is not fleshed out crystal clear after drafting and editing hundreds of them over the years there for computer infrastructure , remote application management , cloud hosting and security services.

It was an EARLY hosting provider I had worked for.)

All that rambling to say- I KNOW when fired it was BS then ; and I know the last time fired it was also not performance based. The most recent was for obvious reasons ( I was paid high and the company needed to look at their sinking profits as they lost a few contracts previously held; and since I had deep technical knowledge when I was given renewal docs I was not going to just sign off on anything that was not accurate-- that made revenue take a hit. The old issue that you can't sell a product of a fruit basket and then ALSO sell a line item for the same banana which was already accounted for in the basket-and bill for it in ADDITIONA To the bunch of bananas already in the basket. WELL YOU CAN but at some point the monkeys might want to count and figure out that they actually only ate the half dozen bananas in the basket but there was a bill for not only the fruit basket including those but these two other bananas.. They might realize that they were being charges for 8 but only consumed 6....

This is what happens when technology becomes obsolete; OR When technology matures and becomes more efficient and then scales to a market such that the market price drops as commoditized

BUT NO ONE PAID ATTENTION to the contract with an EVERGREEN Clause which is renewing every year for a fixed price for a suite of services.

Sure fixed price contracts are great!
BUT ONLY if you are actually DELIVERING the services under them!

If you ARE NOT-
well there is a problem then. It's called BREACH at best
and FRAUD at worst.

So best focus on the relationship and alignment with both expectations of what acutal customer needs are and ensuring delivery of those customer needs!

A friend of mine said it best:

Let the customer drive the sale based on their needs and interest; just develop and work on maintaining the realtionship to support them in any way you can. If that means if you can't deliver what they need- then you FIND who CAN do so .

When you have something YOU CAN DELIVER they will come back and you will get their business.

This is a dude who won one of those 30 under 30 awards and is a brilliant salesman who doubles ( or more) revenue when he enters a new space.

BASICALLY in recent roles....where fired....
as an ethical person; I wasn't going to sign off on a contract that was selling the commoditized product at an inflated rate which was the going one a dozen years ago....

to some unsuspecting fool.

It's a question of ethics.
and the answer is YES I HAVE ETHICS

Not that anyone didn't

BUT what they DID NOT HAVE was technical acumen.

That is the thing. It is hard to tell if it is by design when in larger companies the right hand doesn't know what the left is doing;
OR if it is lack of actual knowledge and ... I don't want to say incompetence on the part of leadership... but ....
well... not sure what else to call it...
lack of careful concern and due diligence for quality with integrity.

So when I discover anything like that I have cleaned up the mess. Made sure things were kosher and accurate and well....
no one likes a TRUE UP ( even if accurate) when they are taking a financial hit.

But I tell it like it is.
I give the honest answer whether one likes it or not.

I think that an asset.
I am just happy to not be working with folks that monkey around in that way.

I am just astounded that there is not the veracity and transparency and integrity in the world of business that I naively expected 25 years ago.

So- all that nonsense FAR BEHIND ME NOW
doesn't really matter how long ago now...

I was so dang anxious as my whole body and brain kept waiting for the shoe to drop. BUT cognitively I KNEW it was NOT REALLY A REALISTIC FEAR

So that was when I was defying my FEELINGs and FEAR based solely on my physiological system remembering the past events-
and pushed through to dump that money in my IRA.

Now the cool thing is

I had a good review today.
AND was given a bonus that- get this
is for the EXACT amount of money that I put in my IRA.

Its a couple thousand dollars.

No raise; but my boss said they brought me in on par ( almost) with what the other folks in the company make in equivalent level of leadership and responsibility; so no raise for next year but gave me a nice bonus. She also told me previously that when hired she really had to justify my rate ( I did negotiate it and asked for more than their initial offer.)

I am happy with that overall. EVEN IF I could go elsewhere for more money. The work life balance and flexibility make this a better fit. THAT AND that my boss took issue with my review only with one thing I wrote which was a self criticism she did not agree with.

She did give me constructive criticism on what to work on.
I will write it as it helps me remember and then get into the habit...
no long emails.

LOL I write alot! YES HERE it is my rambling journal dump so that is fine...
but at work I write detail as I LIKE DETAIL to understand things well


They just want to know WHAT to do- quick and clearly.
all the extra is just...
and they don't really CARE about extra,

MOST people that is.

So the behavior change I have to implement is CALL and TEXT when I need info-
rather than send long detailed emails with questions of the team.

And slow down so I don't send out a mistake and then recall it.

That confuses folks as they SEE EACH recall and re-send!

* I think I got in a habit of using that to correct mistakes. Sometimes better to just leave the mistake if not a big one.

TO BED-- up late on account of the marketplace project- it took a while as had to enter the LONG LIST OF doctors and LONG List of my kids medication.

Between me ( who has only two Doctors! and two medications I listed) and my kid-

There were 12 Doctors
and 9 medications

YEAH that is 10 Doctors ( mostly specialists) and currently 7 prescription medications that my one chronically ill kid who has POTS/MCAS/AUTISM/ADHD/EDS and also happens to be trans has to manage their healthcare.

So when thinking about that fact and that their Dad would just DROP health insurance. REALLY WTF?

I have to run a budget as I was just making my bills monthly ( like PERFECTLY all last year with just a bit more income for discretionary spending).

But I know I can still be OK if have to make adjustments.

I also know that once the crazy medical appointments of getting my youngest diagnosed and on a stable medical regime for POTS ( The one who IS STILL on Dad's health insurance) there WILL be a reduction in the Dr appointments that I have to shuttle kids to. That is a part time job in itself. The good news is the one office has KICKIN WIFI. I swear I am super productive when remote in on a secure VPN from there. I get shit done SO FAST when sitting in that office.

SO I am super happy the amount I put into the IRA was EXACT as the cash on hand used to put in the IRA. It was in my account from re-finance at kicking good low interest rate ( 2 point something... I forget ? With cash out) and really earmarked for home improvement. That amt was sitting there as it is my new windows budget to pay the balance when the job is done. Thing is I KNOW that project won't even be on the contractor's schedule for months are there are supply chain issues getting the windows timely just now.

I had gotten quotes for new windows a couple years ago but couldn't afford to do that then. I was out of work but wanted to do the market research (as had time then to be home to get estimates and info!) Once I refinanced I contacted the local company that had the best price for a new estimate and then signed the contract and paid 1/2 up front ( as they are reputable! They replaced my roof after a storm took care of removing a bunch of shingles and I had insurance help with that thankfully a few years back- fortunately BEFORE all this crazy weather! Not I think it is HARDER to get a full roof replacement from some tiles off an a leak! MORE CRAZY WEATHER and so many claims they scrutinize a bit more and deny whenever they can do so!)

So my plan is really clear: Less Dr Appts; kids off to college ( *Fingers Crossed!*) and then I will have time to launch my own consulting company. So I honestly anticipate picking up a couple clients and increasing my income.

I hired a marketing person who is working on branding and web design for my company. We meet tomorrow afternoon to review three logos she is designing for my consideration.
DANG I have to go to bed. I have to work early and get some things done before shuttling one kid odd to Dr. appts.
A couple of tests tomorrow for kid. neurological; stress test.

Tomorrow is another day...
but just to list the TO DO on my list of goals first:

Dr appts; work ( a couple items to get done and out the door)
MEETING With Marketing/IMAGE BRANDING Consultant *** REMINDER TO EMAIL HER TO CONFIRM TIME. She sent email "Look forward to talking on wed" but there is nothing on my calendar!! Think LATE afternoon or early evening was verbally said? I have a recollection that I said 7pm? MAYBE CORRECT- but need to confirm!)

She rocks. She has a fulltime job and moonlights running her own company. She recently won some industry marketing award for her work.

Then short term :
*Ramsey product a decent one
I need to re-activate my account for taxes and financial planning. I like the tools offered.

Oh for those in need of managing their money-
here's the link. Stuff on sale now and definitely a good investment. For the price of Turbo Tax you can not only get your taxes done but have financial planning and budgeting tools.


and when I have a budget and know my need for income will have clear target of the Number of clients I need to land and it will be Business Development time.

OH and other goals- SHORT TERM
Write a professional article in the next week; send to boss to edit and proof read; send to professional org mag

AND Pitch a training

These will actually hopefully allow me to influence the space I work in to streamline a particular process which is long and convoluted which EVERyONE DOES that honestly
has little value
as it is very misunderstood.

Smart people misunderstand stull ALL THE TIME.

It does not mean not smart
its more a matter of taking the time to be truly obsessed and hyper focused to the point of abnormality in order to understand some complex things which to many are inherently absolutely boring.

I joke this particular professional thing is my "special interest"! LOL What is fully is my interest in this topic is to reduce busy work. I HATE BUSY WORK...
only like doing shit that has actual added value.

SO I trust this rambling, writing has value .... LOL ....

maybe not for you who read thus far!! HA HA...
but for me I know it is a release of anxiety.


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