2021-12-26 - 11:45 a.m.

I am sad we can't have one @#F@%*( family event together without someone's trauma being triggered; then a blow up happening.

What amazes me is the BS projection that occurs. I was accused of being a storm... I think that was the word my child used.

The one who left the apple pie on the table; after he awoke as I was frying up bacon on a griddle after having made pumpkin pancakes for brunch. I intended on setting the table and having it all nice when all the teens and young adults awoke. Instead the one came in and pulled the apple pie out of the fridge-

The pie I bought with ice cream and intended to serve after dinner tonight ( and which I thought I made clear) which at 11 pm last night one teen came up and asked if I wanted some. I was asleep.... said NO thank you and just let it go that they baked it last night.

I mean we were after all going to have the dinner and pie last night but then they all were up late the night before so I let them sleep in and at about 1:30 pm I made eggs and bacon and bagels and the teens were all in jammies and ate while playing new games which were their Christmas gifts. They were all getting along for the most part--

OK two out of three were getting along. Until the third awoke and there was some rude interaction - called out by siblings and me- It seems important to actually give that immediate feedback loop in the MOMENT so there can be some possibility of learning when interaction is rude ( This was the actual diagnosed autistic young adult being rude and I get it that they don't always recognize that.)

IT was not that bad of a moment- especially as that child then said "I am going back to bed" realizing they were not yet fully awake and not yet ready to interact so at least knows to retreat and get self ready to be with people before the RE-DO.

I can respect that.

I have harder time respecting the other choices of the other kid who had trauma triggered but accepts no self responsibility for self care of learning to handle how to manage triggers. He just blames others.
I am tired of being the one blamed by this child who is now an abusive adult.

The fucking shitty thing is the only choices faced are simple ones:

When my adult child is triggered and gets actually aggressive I could:

Call the fucking cops for a momentary interaction- which has ended and will not happen again for months .....
and then what?

Get the talking to from a cop...

GREAT that happens every couple years.

Then it is repeat.

OR I can let it go and recognize a moment of a trauma trigger and be the punching bag in the moment.

It kills my oldest two kids to see me do that. But I can't see the merit in calling the police to have them arrive when all is calm ( AS IT IS A FEW MOMENTS AFTER THE TRAMAUTIC MOMENT Of my child in full SELF DEFENSE fight mode

ALL frontal lobe reactive protective mode
when the kid is saying shit like
"Don't fucking hit me"

OK I think I blocked and pushed a hand away? stopped a hand from grabbing a pie plate I had in hand?
It was again one of those fucking weird moments

The smallest thing- triggering.

I mean the dog hopped on the table and started licking the crumbs THANKFULLY JUST LICKING THE CRUMBS on the one side of the pie pan- from the pie that older child ate for their brunch--
and left on the table-

and all I did was say " NO!" and pushed the dog away, then picked up the pie plate and went over to the sink to first shake the crumbs ( It is a crumb top apple pie) into the sink ( from the side of the pan the dog was licking) figuring get the pie out of the pan where the dog licked into a clean pan- I mean fortunately the dog licked the one side! There head was on the one side licking edge of pan! ACTUALLY fortunately did not touch the pie!
I was going to just move the pie and figured it was OK...
but this kid WHO I SWEAR IS A SUGAR ADDICT
was playing the game on the couch and saw me and was literally so afraid I was going to dump the whole pie in the sink and came running in and tried to grab the pie pan from me-

I was like "What are you doing?" And pushed their hand in reaction of the hand coming at me- kinda pivoted and shifted as they were trying to grab this pie plate from me- averting the interference

saying something like "Calm down I am not throwing out the whole pie"

SWEAR it was the sugar addiction reaction of brain- fear of the dopamine hit being tossed my young adult child reacted to-

So I get that-
it was overreaction
I get this kid's brain

What I don't get is that they then HIT ME HARD Saying "Don't hit me"

I was like
WTF?? I DID NOT HIT YOU
DAMN This is the same reaction this kid had when very small. Without therapy I suppose it will not ever heal-

the trigger of ANY unwanted touch of this kid eliciting the trauma response of self protection.
What I Don't get is they left the room-
THEN CAME BACK and now my back was to them and HIT ME IN THE BACK ( truth be told not all that hard- I mean not like my body is hurting at all Its moreso that they DID THIS and reacted in such a way that is the assault and the VERBAL assault is what hurts most)

then they left and I said something like "That was unacceptable you can 't be assaulting me because of you feeling triggered. I get it but get a grip"

and then this kid screamed at me how I hit them and they are protecting them self and Then threw a punch at my left arm and one at my chest.

while ranting "Don't you dare touch me"
I mean full blown ballistic

BUT there was a moment of lapse of leaving the room then coming back.

THAT is the part I don't get.

As in HOW THEN after leaving a room and coming back in can this young adult consciously believe that they were being self protectionist and their actions justifiable self defense.

I mean the lack of ability to say "I am sorry I overreacted" and take accountability is what makes me sad.

The screaming of the kid started when I tried to talk to them to call them out on the behavior after a few moments more-

I mean I think give a few moments but not TOO MANY Enough that I am not going to be hit further but not too long to forget and be self deceptive. I mean I thought important AGAIN to IN THE MOMENT tell this Kid EXACTLY What I observed they just did.

DENIAL
ABSOLUTE DENIAL

and then acting like I am creating drama and I am the toxic one who can't let them be at peace.
Then the verbal abuse of me continued a few minutes.

It was so ugly.

(OK my other teen had come down by then and they say I was goading the other sibling then... OK I am going to hear that. They were not ready to hear of the behavior and how it was experienced by me.)

YES I talk too much
when one is upset and needs to be left alone.

(Which is why writing just now. I don't want to just ESCAPE and retreat and not deal with the family issues).
I am writing in the kitchen.

It is just so tiring and makes me sad we can't have a whole day relaxing together.

What I just don't get is the deja vu of this being the shit I observed in my EX husband's family
blow ups THEN THEY ALL ACT LIKE EVERYTHING NORMAL

and I am not going to act like this is normal. It is NOT and I won't normalize it.

I think my oldest of this pack did a good thing by calling her Dad out on his abusive behavior; then carving out a relationship where she sets the boundaries.

Now she did go to his house for a visit for the first time in a few years. It went OK. Small moments- so she said

of triggers...
but not so bad.
she said the same thing; Dad having his blow up moment.

I just wish in the kids there could come a day where they ALL go into therapy and deal with this shit and we could all get together without one of the KIDS replaying a blow up moment.

It is so disappointing and tiring.

OK

MOVING ON..
I mean I don't want to be the family that normalizes abuse...
but until there is a family therapist available the best I can do is call it such when it happens; try to ask for accountability-
take accountability for myself

"TOO MANY WORDS"

LOL... that is now my favorite phrase....

I need to know when to stop the talking.

oh yeah and let me not forget; and it is not an excuse. But we all know this young adult though not diagnosed is clearly autistic as well. No it is not an excuse- but the tactile defensiveness and the triggering is very real and just a part of their brain.

One other thought; the part time job I have is in a place that ALWAYS NEEDS HELP. Maybe I can convince this college student to get a job for the remainder of this break. Even if only working three weeks- they need money for tuition and asked me for it, I already said yes. Wish I had not- but at this point; I am going to have that conversation. If I am really no mother to you and you really disrespect me that much- get your own damn job to earn the $2000 you need for this semesters tuition by Jan 15th.

I did say they could go live elsewhere...

we have had that conversation before Be respectful or go live elsewhere. I however have never made the move to actively kick this kid out. I thought about it today however. I still want to give them the opportunity to get into counseling first... again....

I mean the kid is doing well AT College. WAS doing well while living in my basement all last year. We just have three weeks to navigate with the family in this house together. The oldest will be coming to spend a few days as well (soon - I can never keep track of dates and never really know when exactly anyone is showing up!)

The oldest is enjoying the little ones and my Ex's 2nd Ex wife as she became family with them- the step siblings she lived with for year then babysit for the next year when the ex moved to the townhouses literally across the main road in the parallel community for other divorced folks.

*This used to be THE divorced neighborhood then a newer set of townhouses went in so now there are two; the original and then the upgraded version.. younger... newer ... just a little bit fancier... where 2nd ex wife moved for a bit.!

SIGH

OK feel better after writing. Going to go hide in a novel and read for a bit. Finishing a good book then going to read a classic...
until time to roast the Chicken and put sweet potatoes in the oven.

There is also another sugar pumpkin. If I have energy maybe I will make a homemade pumpkin pie.

SIGH... in good news this morning at least started out with a nice run.
I am just drained.. and disappointed. I mean this family seems so !*!$&D up still...

does trauma EVER really heal?

Or is this the way it will always be?

I never wanted to bring anyone else into the orb of this dysfunction. I envisioned being able to heal it WITHIN this system.

I just get so tired of trying and being reminded that might not actually be possible.
The scars may always be there and maybe it is impossible to not have them get exposed, re opened of wounds, and have the underlying infection re-emerge once in a while like a virus that lays dormant. Feels like the best we can do is bandage and a slow heal but they never really go away.
So a gentle balm when there is a flare... until it passes seem the best I can do.

With patience, acceptance and forgiving love.

I hope that is the right choice and way to look at this. I hope that is the best any of us can do.

I just want to be doing the best I can for this family.
For these kids in their/our woundedness.

So will do best for dinner to be a joyful celebration. Will rest up now and hope to create that later.
I just wish no one let fear hold them back or let fear inform their decision and their reactions- as the resurgence of trauma is always in a fear moment. Love is the only antidote, right? Acceptance and forgiveness... and love.

I hope.

YES HOPE

there is that.

Possibilities. I have to believe in them. Not just the fuel of desire; but the motivation for all good things.
For some it is faith. YEAH the same thing called another name. Belief there is something greater than this brokenness of our humanity.

Merry Christmas. YES Christians- lets celebrate this faith that there is love transcending this human condition of brokenness in the incarnation of God in Christ. I am going to end with this- a good resource for this reminder of the hope of transcendence. I think this is one of the best Christian writers of our time and his reflections give me hope and help me much- https://cac.org/podcasts/

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