2022-03-03 - 7:11 a.m.

Supposed to do morning pages in longhand....well...

My joints super achy
Moving will help

But not quite ready yet

Intended to do a work thing. Just to get it out the door timely.

Sky is misty and beautiful looking this AM. Soft greys and blues...

Don't have much to dump....just need to figure out best way to manage what is likely arthritis. I tripped and sprained that same ankle injured Couole months ago recently ( a week ago). It was just sore and a bit swollen thankfully. Not that bad...well still a bit misshapen and swollen but that pain not so bad. I thought perhaps my days if lovely heels were over. However I had an Artist Date to see Jesus Christ Superstar at Kennedy Center and honestly it was so much less wffort to wear a dress I recently packed for a trip but did not wear than think of a new outfit....
And the lovely platform copper colored swede saddle was perfect with the dress and coat I was wearing. I was happy I was able to safely navigate wearing the heels for that! I had tripped when at a park on a short stop to walk to a scenic spot before a dinner party hosted by my son's girlfriend's family.. The heels were not the thing for a park stroll when there was a rock wall to get over. ( I'm sure there was a path somewhere none of my family nor I noticed). I was just careless thinking hopping up on a wall with one foot then trying to lNd on the other...when in those platform sandles was a good idea.

That had to be my ADHD moment of week.

Writing done due to neuropathy in left hand as this is a quick typing via phone...can't hold the cell phone longer. Dang....

Time to move and get my circulation going. Will not start work yet. Walk. Breakfast. Maybe 15 min guitar practice.....

Damn. I forgot decaf implicated in joint pain increase.

Crap. I have quit coffee.... ok shifted hand and shaking it to capture. My self reward is if ready actually EARLY treat self to Dunkin Donuts drive through treat....

Won't break my budget
And a little positive reinforcer.

Lateness is due to inability yo just sit and BE. DO NOTHING. Not have mind occupied and busy. In Some....
Noticed this in June
Her lateness us due to a compulsive anxiety driven need to be getting something done for her. She ca t just give time to anyone else or any one thing with full presence it seems. But has to pack in the agenda some errand or ancillary thing she wants done that " oh by the way do you mind if we stop here.. do thid.. or while at it... or. Can I bring sod and so ( usually because that person has something she needs...a ride..a car they let her use)
It's crazy making manipulation people see and then want to avoid...

But I digress.
I enjoy when she us not in that anxiety mode and has times where she DOES just relax and BE
Yes the crazy making is anxiety driven in her very clearly. She is often in fight or flight mode simply to survive and I think her constant motion is anxiety driven.

Lesser obvious but still the root being same...anxiety....is what drives others to have trouble ( like me) at being on time as related...

Just want to " be efficient" and get those dishes done before leave the house....

Or pack do much in as seemingly NECESSARY but not sense of how long each activity takes so a combination of no sensecof time, compulsive feel of need to finish something yo completion, procrastinating starting.. then avoidance behavior...

Because yeah

Anxiety!!

And ALSO. Avoidance of commitment!

Yes....refusal to plan and be on time a tip one has some commitment phobia.....

The real narcissistic are both RARELY on time but then call out OTHERS with such projection for their lateness that they deflect responsibility and attention from themselves in blaming and sharing others.

Absolutely crazy making!

I am just happy I am better at being mindful of time and not trying to do too much in an unreasonable time frame and feel less anxiety and compulsion to HAVE to do shit that makes me late. It happens sometimes! But I also now have the skill to know I can do some things quickly without anxiety or overthinking and just get it done

The idea of starting work a 730 rather than 9 is really one stemming from lack of confidence! Fear someone would be waiting on me and judging...

So NAH...

I have broken the workaholism pattern, the unhealthy pattern...
And meditated this AM. Wrote morning pages. And now will stick to getting my cardio going and dog happy and exercising too ! ( Thank Fod for my dog!!! Even when in pain and don't FEEL like moving Belkatrix insists. And is so helpful ! I always then feel better)

All this to say... I was ready EARLY for the gig of cooking pancakes like the line cook at our church Ash Wed pancake supper. So treated myself with a drive through app order of a $3 decaf Carmel coffee...

Which...explains the intense 5et4@$$ joint pain last night. It was really bad. I have a high pain tolerence...but this hurt so yeah ...

Tip to self: Don't forget. Neither regular OR Decaf coffee!!! Regular exasperates neuropathy
Decaf reminds me I undoubtedly have arthritis.

Reminder also to bug my doctor to find out if might be smart to actually diagnose and monitor it.

Cause even women docs fucking ignore women's pain and overall medical needs.

And reminder to call for one of my kids...for appt...again. They asked for me to help and do that scheduling together since I will drive them. ( Sure there is a bus... they r not that far in independence yet.)

Yeah. To do: Also schedule with kids DMV apps. They should get licenses!! Yes!! Important skill....they need some prodding to get it done.

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