2022-04-09 - 8:01 a.m.

I had family obligations last night so had to turn down a last min invite extended Fri AM to go to the Mets game

Nothing like knowing your someone's back pocket, second or maybe even 3rd choice for a date.
Lol

I mean that doesn't give indication of much interest

But again

This is the guy who has shared interests and is good company so if I can may as well say yes even if I KNOW he is not particularly enamored and attached to me (and likewise).

The Mets?
Really?

Like that is my family jam....the one I grew up in. I first said NO to the question "Do you have any plans for tonight?" I said No but I need to stay close to home as am driving my kid somewhere. But then he told me if I were free he is going to the Mets game. I said- Hey if it COULD work out I would love to take the train and meet you at the stadium then can catch the train back. It being the Mets- of course I would even go so far as see if the fam I agreed to shuttle around for their VERY RARE Fri night plans might just be able to catch a ride home from friends.

Oh my kid was so angry at me I dared ask.

Guess I did not realize her actual discomfort of asking others for a ride is deep

More like anxiety
Fear

I forget that social anxiety likely plays into my teens being home all the time. Her reaction was informative that being home not very social is not simply choice but also due to some level of social anxiety. I feel like that is distinct from being a shy introvert.

Yeah this kid is avoidant.

Try to encourage and help her but therapy likely what is going to be most helpful so once again I need to stick close to home and make the medical needs TO Do for the family and undergo another search for therapists.

I feel like that has to be done for these young adults before they are going to be ready for next step in life to be honest

MAYBE Dad can help one get motivated to finish the almost done college applications

He believes he can . It's a weird thing how his negative reinforcers work with this kid, yet and how this kid is so resentful of ANY behavioral modification and feels manipulated to the extent refuses to try to self motivate using rewards.

Heck rewards work for me!!

If SELF chosen can be a great way to get shit done one WANTS to get done but is finding it hard to be disciplined to do.

I keep telling these kids don't be so angry about the authoritarian parenting of dad. Recognize YOU RESPOND TO HIS STYLE! And perhaps just choose to humble yourself to ask for some help OR go there and spend time and let yourself respond to his style and get your shit done! What the hell- if it works for you go with it and stop this fighting cause you don't LIKE or PREFER it. I mean the style of parenting you LIKE and prefer may not be helping you move along with your growth and your goals. I have these conversations with the kids- and then just feel nagged. They are almost adults so have to figure out what works. I hope they figure out: Authoritarian style NOT BAD Authoritarian Parenting does not EQUAL ABUSE The fact they EXPERIENCED abuse from their authoritarian parent is a completely DIFFERNT ISSUE. Address THAT In your life and your relationships- with him and others. BUT move on with GROWTH to not REPLICATE the toxic family patterns- but realize there is still SOME GOOD that can be learned and don't reject what he does/did RIGHT. They are so anti authoritarian getting in their own way I think due to complete resistance to anything structured. Sure they do school- but they resist any other sort of imposed order. And you know- in the world you need to negotiate with others and let other mutually come up with decisions and - here you have it- be willing to give in to allow OREDER and some sense of structure , of a PLAN to ever get anything done! There is not one way to do anything. But being avoidant is clearly not a way to move forward. I DO however believe in taking time to rest and re-charge and figure out what one needs. I DO think people exposed to trauma need time to just BE To heal in a safe space. And need to be CARED FOR. I Believe that is not weakness but human nature- heck that is what differentiates people from animals. Animals KILL Their weak People care for and help the weak find peace and comfort and value their existence. This is where her Dad and I disagree- He seems to not value folks unless they are working. Whatever-- I am accepting of that.. but I still think it not disasterous of their futures to allow my kids a bit of space to just be and rest and figure it all out. I think college would be best for each of them. But if they don't go I am confident there are alternative ways to learn and grow. Its all who you know. TRUTH colleges set up up with KNOWING the folks with connections in spaces. But there are other ways. I KNOW This as I know people without college degrees who have been and are highly skilled and successful because of their FOCUS and immersion and hard work in their area of interest.

Yes be angry at the ABUSE when he crossed the line but I wish they would forgive and move on and be able to recognize at times his riding them is a positive .
They get shit done and respond to him.

Sure I find it weird. I can try same tactics and they don't respond to me.

I hope the one kid spends time with Dad and let's him help her finish her application to the college she says she would like to attend. Cause I offered to take photos. I had been writing this entry while waiting at a lab for blood work and a urinalysis. I stopped on the last paragraph and saved but came back to share one PSA: ESPECIALLY FOR WOMEN OUT THERE for who experience medical gaslighting: I FOUND THIS LAB service shortly after 7AM and by 8:30 AM was driving back home after having blood work and urine sample done for STD screen and AIDS test. HealthLabs.com Now I got them done in Dec I think? But the Dr. office said regarding the AIDS Test that they can't tell results over the phone. (Said it is a VA State law) I would have to come in. They never called back so obviously no worry.. but I never made an appt just to hear that result either. (Low risk - but hey still a good idea if one ever has sex with anyone that was ever potentially exposed- and I have- one lover DID have a lover with AIDS. She lied about it and they found out AFTER they were married and he was kind enough to TELL ME OF THIS- A+ for honesty. He never contracted it- he was tested MANY Times. He was a gentleman. We always used a CONDOM. He was a gem frankly....) BUT there is that... and then there is the fact of knowing I carry the one Herpes thing.... life long gift... and the darn Valtrex that AFTER LITERALLY YEARS of trying to get a new script for WAS NOT covered by Insurance NOW I know that my NEW insurance is not taken at my neighborhood Pharmacy. BUT honestly instead of navigating the darn Dr. office... and calling them again and trying to get the script which is now MONTHS OLD transferred I realized ALSO my Dr. IGNORED my request and she said she ordered the simple screen. She did not do the screen for ALL STDs.. just like the few most common. I let her I deferred She considers me a low risk person. BUT It bothered me later that I did not insist. Just do the whole damn screening. CAUSE THOSE SUCKERS CALLED STDS ARE INVISIBLE and I am a 50+ yr old SINGLE DATING WOMAN who.... COMMON FUCKING SENSE DATES folks who ALSO HAVE AN EXTENSIVE SEXUAL PAST HISTORY Are even Dr's just NOT GOOD AT MATH?? I mean if Coronavirus bushed up our knowledge of anything it should be of simple stats of probability AND I made a BAD CHOICE YES Admittedly of not being mindful and having the most thought out choice in a moment- When enjoying the companionship of a FORMER lover WHO ALWAYS USED A FUCKING CONDOM and honestly I really was not PLANNING on being intimate with him... but hell it was just so comfortable and familiar... and in recent weeks saw him again.. and then honestly I was like "I really would like to talk" and he was like Can we cuddle as we talk. And that was my DUMB choice to go there... NOW I learned something about me I thing I was not fully aware of. I am REALLY Fucking good at boundaries... up to a point... BUT NOT good at that point when a man has been given the TRUST to cuddle and his body is familiar and based on the past I have complete TRUST of his respect of boundaries NO will not say which former lover this is. . But I will say I think cause neither of us really were thinking about sex ( at least I wasn't - and I presume he wasn't as he was not the best lover and I thought that was always cause he was overthinking things... it was so kinda planned and well... seemed he tried too damn hard! ) Well this time I think it was just more NATURAL and more comfortable and for some reason EASIER when we were connecting physically- maybe he was LESS invested emotionally? Maybe he was not getting in his own way by over thinking? I mean there are signs he really was NOT THINKING I get that... which is why I am not really angry at him. (maybe I should be?) I am not angry at me either but I was with him and feel like while I enjoyed it -I SHOLD NOT HAVE BEEN DID NOT INTEND TO BE and its not that I am ruling out interest in a physically intimate relationship with him but I wanted to TALK About a few things first and instead I was in ONLY LISTENING MODE. That is the irony. I ended up LISTENING the whole time. Which was great- but I didn't ever get to talk to him about what I intended to discuss. We never talked about OUR relationship. EVER It was weird. It was like he talked about himself and about the other folks in his life- he talked about them about what worked and what he didn't like and what he wants more of BUT he never actually said a thing about me about US (There really clearly is no US. I mean this feels like even the friendship not valued and he just wanted to get laid again?) The curse of the Exs- Since I was in touch with a few ( I swear they just kind of weirdly came out of the woodwork... OK Coronavirus abated and the men I was romantic and dated and had good sexual relationships in the past must all be fucking lonely and also horney after being home for years , either not in relationship OR some had some unsatisfying relationships... I mean I can count three ex lovers I set boundaries with and make it really clear I am happy to navigate a friendship but don't even think of asking me to go there... I am not going to sleep with you! PLAIN And simple. I let them know I am good in that dept. OK to be fair really two- I mean the third is my winery friend - AGAIN The one male friend I so appreciate the real FRIENDSHIP of as he doesn't push that boundary. Truth be told if I WANTED To I could enjoy intimacy with him ( without the kiss! He set HIS boundary!) But the beauty of the friendship is that neither he nor I EVER push each others boundaries. We both are really respectful and the friendship is solid and the foundation of our relationship. We both kinda know there is this chemistry and both know we don't want a relationship and it is quite comfortable. He seems to be happy with female company without sex! But its also the mutual unspoken that if either of us were ever game we can each say yes OR NO and not be offended either way. I mean its like I have been with him on rare occasion since he has been divorced and it was good and then life goes on. We both know we don't want a relationship other than friendship- cause he was hurt by me and I won't commit to him. Its pretty clear and SO refreshing! And so fucking rare to have in a male- friendship without a agenda or goal! Just to enjoy each other's company. There really are no games there. But there are TWO others I was not really opposed to enjoying a sexual relationship with because of the fact of absolute TRUST and for one the depth of the relationship and with the other because I think there is such a mutual understanding and I know we won't hurt each other ( ironically precisely because of the LACK of depth of relationship). OK ART is the likely obvious one with depth of actual love. So will say this: this man is NOT ART. Art is the more complicated man in my life- because I was truly IN LOVE with him. See the thing is I at times DO feel that attraction and do want to be with him- but NOT when he is so aggressively EXPECTING it and acts entitled! That is the turn off! AND NOT ALL THE TIME Sometimes I just want to spend time with my friend!! So I get PISSED at him when he resents if I don't want to sleep with him. I mean we spent MORE time as friends now than we have as lovers so why does he still get so frustrated and angry with that being status quo??? HE is the one lover with awful boundaries-- yet I still value friendship with him and true on occasion if not attached to anyone else and if he is single we still have that chemistry. Not something I expect but when it is there it is there. And I don't want HIM to expect it of me!! I guess the thing about him is he tends to go ALL IN and then he tends to get controlling so for that very reason I do not want to have a relationship with him. I watched him erode his own relationship by his own lack of trust and jealousy. He has some issues I think I don't want to deal with. Some red flags that tell me it would not be healthy for ME to be in relationship with him and that won't change. Art actually took me out for brunch this week and it was so nice to spend time with him! He did listen! HA HA I loved he called for a bonafide DATE to take me OUT YES! Much better than asking me to come OVER to his place. That spending time TALKING really connecting is so important to me. BUT a few weeks back- I DID get together with this other guy thinking I DO like to date him lets see where it goes since he offered to take me out. BUT when enjoying his company , and choosing to be intimate on the last occasion the rules suddenly were NOT FOLLOWED by him after we are cuddling and things are progressing So when I said "GET A CONDOM ON" I did not expect- what next happened: This guy who acts like he is ALL ABOUT consent- this guy says- as he is entering me "I will just pull out" NOW I think because my body was primed and I was THERE I could not think fast enough to process what was happening and hell my BODY did not want to stop- and my BRAIN did not kick in- I was in the comfortable state of absolute trust of letting go; not thinking I MEAN This is someone I have known FOR YEARS and have dated many times, over time... who has in past acted respectful and this was so very unexpected. I was not on guard at all. But there was an absolute breach of trust. I mean we had a well discussed RULE CONDOMS required UNLESS and UNTIL decide to be monogamous and have recent STD testing. This was AGREED UPON. THIS WAS KNOWN. This guy can not pretend otherwise. HE IS NOT MONOGOMOUS I AM NOT MONOGOMOUS currently! We are honest about that. BUT before I decided to be with him again there was also this conversation about recent past history. I was absolutely honest. I did not want any misunderstanding. AND HE WELL HE WAS FULL OF SHIT. I am getting that vibe. Because AFTER we were then together as I was there listening and thinking about how I just enjoyed myself but I was all in the moment and not thinking and I was thinking it is MY FAULT in a sense IN THE MOMENT I was thinking of where I went wrong at not setting clear boundaries, but also sneaky and a shitty thing for him to do in the moment to not tell FULL truths and TO Ignore AND RE-WRITE THE RULES WE HAD AGREED ON! He ignored what our understanding had been. I was LISTENING to his pillow talk and then he tells me MORE of his recent sexual history... and I was listening. Just open and listening- But it was then AFTERWARDS that I processed and thought about it that he was only FULLY HONEST After we were together and that he then shared some things that would not have made it attractive to sleep with him. But moreso than the details he shared- I not only do not want to sleep with this man again because I no longer TRUST him. It was a BIG breach of trust. To ignore past agreements and try to re-write the rules. It is a huge red flag. As if he did not REMEMBER the agreement well then he is a chameleon. One who acts different for each person and does so- acting- such that they then FORGET the fake persona they created in order to get into your pants. THAT kind of narcissist WILL forget the rules of engagement. Because they don' t really have any boundaries for their SELF. The talk of consent and boundaries is really just a TOOL to get what they want. That is the sense I am getting from him. One does not forget that which is REALLY important.(OK I know with ADHD that is not always true. But even with ADHD there are some things one NEVER will forget! Like "No sex without a condom" FORGET the rule?? NO ... IN the moment not think about it? YES believable but THIS guy Is NOT ADHD! ) I felt I was being PLAYED as it really is all about his pleasure. I think his interest in learning about boundaries is moreso that he learned there are these spaces you can go into that are very sexually OPEN where he wants EXPERIENCES. I don't think he REALLY Has any spiritual depth or interest in self development. Those spaces often intersect with actual spiritual practices etc. But there is an exploitation of the spiritualists by hedonists. some are just seeking SELF pleasure and have figured out that that spiritualist spaces also are home to thos interested in tantric arts and healing. And that there are a large number of wounded people looking for healing and connection -a nd that SEX is one way to connect; so in the context of these spiritualist spaces there are ALOS opportunities to find SEXUAL knowledge as well as experiences In other words I think this guy may be full of shit in any of his interest in that kind of world. People like that are exploitive. Narcissistic. So in any case- he might just be a narcissist. So- I wanted to get a full STD sceen as I don't trust him, and don't think it a smart thing to be with him. I consider him high risk. ( Of couse did not know this when first chose to be with him again. My choice was based on the premise of : PAST behavior- of him putting a condom on and HIS indicating he was in a relationship with a gal that was VERY conservative; and not sexually adventurous at all, and him saying that it had ENDED. He literally acted like he was in a monogomous dating relationship with a conservative woman since we last dated! When we dated he said he was monogomous with me at some point. So he told me he had been dating someone else. I had not been with him in years--- so I assumed when I asked him to get the condom he would do it! I am so baffled that he did not- and And I won't make that mistake again of trusting and being vulnerable and being in the position where a man gets me to that point of sexually being so turned on- but then reveals and only then reveals He is one of those Anti-Condom dudes. I have lost trust in him. I mean he told me half truths before we were together again. We had not been together in some years. HALF truths. Then AFTER together as I am sitting there kinda figuring out what just happened THEN he told me with full disclosure more details of his recent/current relationships (of which he has a few!) NAH I am not interested in a sexual partner with multiple lovers who does not use condoms consistently and engages in risky sexual behavior (which he does!). I just would have appreciated full disclosure so I had a CHOICE before being with him. I am getting the sense he is a bit of a chameleon. So when I dated him in the past his careful behavior and his talk of consent perhaps was because that is what he knew I WANTED TOHEAR What would MAKE ME CONFORTABLE BUT I think he is not really all about consent. OR he would have not IN THE MOMENT decided that he did not want to put on a condom and think that was OK FUCK Perhaps it is just a ME thing that when at that point I DO NOT HAVE CONTROL I mean I want to choose to be intimate with a man when I am comfortable as we have talked about this many times and I know there are ground rules that are understood and respected SO I CAN LET GO SO I CAN NOT THINK and HELL YEAH if I am in a MONOGOMONUS relationship get rid of the damn condoms I was even ready and willing to go there with the young lover who was not sleeping with anyone else. Trusted his truthfulness on that. But hell I guess I got impatient OR Read the fact and actions speak louder than words He is not that into me. If he was he would be over here; and he had not been here in MONTHS. The lack of CAR a BS excuse-- so I was not investing my emotional energy or expectation and figured no need to hold off to try to indulge his desire to go raw... I mean he was here a number of times and we used condoms. But then when I said GO get tested- and I will do same... and lets share results and since I am not sleeping with anyone else and nor are you I am OK then... well he didn't follow through. I have not seen him since. Its been months now. So I figured when some guys I DID enjoy dating wanted to spend time together again, why not? See how it goes and be open to enjoying what we can offer each other- even if it is not the madly falling in love experience we both would like to have. I just feel betrayed and used by this guy. I mean there is something to be said about withholding of information. Especially when you were ASKED to be really honest and transparent and I HAVE BEEN. Now the Buffalo guy and I were in a relationship where we both had total freedom to essentially date and do whatever the heck we wanted. I had a conversation with him as I was uncomfortable with the fact he never mentioned anyone else. HE asked if I WANTED TO KNOW. I SAID YES But then after that conversation I realized I never shared info with him moving forward. It was like he then shared info and I felt a breach of honesty and trust on his part. I had not been dating anyone else. But once he was doing so and didn't tell me about it - well then it just seemed I needed to not be so attached to him when I was not going to move forward with him. Neither of us wanted a commitment. So moved on... I lost trust when he shared that before anyone else even heard of Caronavirus he thought he caught it from a teacher he was dating. I mean he told me this A WHOLE YEAR LATEr... yeah I recalled when he was so sick. He failed to mention he was dating someone .... I just lost trust then. I had not been sleeping anyone with anyone else FOR YEARS actually. But it became clear he was still dating and playing the field- and I decided I needed to not get so emotionally invested with one who is an alcoholic. (Fact- as that became apparently it led me to not want to consider a serious relationship.) Now we are still in touch and I haven't discussed the other men in my life, nor as he mentioned any lady friends. But we have an AGREEMENT- we need not discuss our dating lives that are separate from each other UNLESS there were someone serious. Until and unless we meet someone we want a serious commitment from- well All's Fair. I enjoy connecting with him and talking. I don't talk to him as often as before as well I needed to emotionally pull away a bit and know that relationship is not going anywhere. But maybe I am hypocritical as I asked him to be open and honest and I said I wanted to be as well-- but I have not shared recent dating with him either. For me knowing there was something going on with him and that he was not discussing it bugged me. The woman instinct thing... but then I also decided I don't want a realtionship with him so why care? The heart is a complicated thing! LOL Ce la vie... I feel like it is moreso that we have not been talking as much as opposed to avoidance of being emotionally honest. Its moreso I don't feel vested. I just haven't had the conversation where we have gone there to talk more fully about our lives it seems. I feel like we are both just letting go--- and moving on but still maintaining some connection but allowing ourselves space to grow where we need to. That is how I feel. But perhaps I should talk to him more openly about my dating life. I want to so that we have more authentic connection. I have these men in my orbit with whom there is not really possibility of a relationship going anywhere. But I decided so be it.. they are in my life for a reason. I may as well appreciate the friendships and what we each may offer each other. even if not perfect and not exactly what either is looking for. AND I want to continue to carve out time for my lady friends. I did not intend to obsess and write about my dating life- ALL THIS TO SAY and yes I am obsessing over this cause it is so fucking important.I am still miffed it took so damn long and I STILL do not have VALTREX in hand!! In just an hour, literally one hr- I had found a lab to get STD testing done! So much easier than calling the Dr. HELL it was faster to get it done than it was to write about all this! FOR ANYONE with ANY health issues need to address- I found this service on line and it was So efficient to purchase the testing I wanted and then to go to a local lab and have the blood work and urine sample taken for the tests to be run. That was the MAIN point of this long ruminating about my dates... and the men in my world. Swear off dating and the men seem to come out of the woodwork.. LOL I SWEAR That is truth! but then I realize I DO enjoy being single and YES enjoy DATING multiple men! I enjoy be enriched by dating relationships and an occasional lover! I think that is much better than being in a long term relationship with the wrong person! It also allows more time for self grown and self development, actualization of talents as well as nurturing friendships with my lady friends. So here is the website again for anyone that wants to just order their own lab work! Healthlabs.com I am grateful for a Health FSA which allowed me to purchase my tests which were done so quickly this AM! I often FORGET about that acct and fail to bring the card when I go to the Dr!! So happy to remember it this AM as this was on my mind and had time to get it done but also no other cashflow! It was $129 for the full screening for 10 STDs, including AIDS test. The thing is if there is a flare ( which yes happened this week! UGH!! one can not ASSUME it is caused by the KNOWN ISSUE!) Now Herpes is VERY Common- https://www.who.int/news/item/01-05-2020-massive-proportion-world-population-living-with-herpes-infection) And thing is that ALSO makes one at higher risk of contracting OTHER STDS! So the rational that "Oh its not a big deal" reminds me of the attitude of drug users who think cause marjauana is not really a big deal they can be flippant and are open to trying of other drugs. The logic is not just flawed- but down right DANGEROUS and SUPER RISKY. No... high risk behaviors are not for me. I steer clear of anyone playing with drugs or risky sex. Alcohol use a deal breaker for me for any kind of long term relationship other than a casual one. I just don't want any of that in my life. I also have had the experience over the years that AFTER disclosure of my herpes and then being with a guy whom it did not bother I LATER was told he too was already a carrier! Really? I mean, were you going to even mention it and have concern for me? I also know one who NEVER Told me and I happened to be looking (I swear innocently) for something I needed ( likely an asthma flare) and then found HIS fucking prescription... so at least he WAS caring for self and others--but NO DISCLOSURE??? WTF??? I only once in my life DID NOT have that conversation first. ( And it was an OH SHIT Moment of me not being mindful- not expecting to have that kind of connection then discussing it AFTER the fact. I swear it was an ADHD impulsivity moment - one of the FEW sexual behavior moments related to ADHD where there was great connection with someone I knew for YEARS so decided in the moment to go there- but it was not well thought out and I did not even think about that ahead of time!! IT was not expected and yes impulsive and yes due to trust and YES I was completely not responsible on that ONE occasion of not having disclosed. However the next day, before being together again- I was very conscientious and insisted on conversation and condoms at all times, and apologized I WAS NOT being responsible and took accountability moving forward. I just wish someday could meet a man who is NOT a drinker or drug user who ALSO enjoys good sex and who there is some chemistry with who has INTEGRITY Of being honest and open and cares enough about other people and their health in the particular as well as public health to take condom use as seriously as many have taken wearing a mask. Perhaps such are truly in the minority. I just don't get it- how a man could act so serious about mask wearing but flippant about condom wearing and open to multiple sexual partner. I don't get it. I mean I don't get SEEKING to have multiple sexual partners either. That is really not my thing. For me I just seek to have healthy relationships. When sex is a natural result of a developed connection with authenticity, openness, and actual trust and mutual agreement that there is interest in a long term FRIENDSHIP at least but open to exploring possibility of a romantic relationship with greater commitment- Then sex just MAKES SENSE. To me it is not a self servicing act of value in itself. To me monogamy does not have any place in a relationship prematurely. But I am not out there SEEKING multiple partners either. Polyamory for me is ALSO not something to be entered into lightly. Polyamory to me means a chosen commitment in RELATIONSHIP to more than one partner. So for me I think the big misunderstanding is that some ASSUME if one is open to polyamory- meaning not interested in tying someone down that means they are SEEKING multiple sexual partner. NO!!!! I mean I have been CHASTE without any sexual partner for YEARS Then at times have dated multiple men and after some time expressing our mutual feelings and exploring a sexual relationship is the natural trajectory of the relationship, and at times- yes relationships. But that evolves and develops OVER TIME and in correlation to connection and interest and depth of attachment and intention of what we want out of the relationship moving foward. The last time I had multiple lovers I was literally considering MARRIAGE of BOTH. TRUE BOTH were courting me and I was in love with one, and the other then proposed.... I mean both realtionships continued and each ended only when I KNEW that possibility was not the right choice for me. I did not know at first. I could see a future with either of those two men as POSSIBILITIES and it was a time where I was not READY FOR or looking for marriage but was open to the possibility a few years down the road. Only after those experiences did I realize with clarity I DO NOT WANT TO GET MARRIED AGAIN. YUP I want to be single and have embraced being single. But that is SO VERY DIFFERENT For SEEKING MULTIPLE PARTNERS. If in a dating relationship that seems right and there is shared mutual interest and chemistry- then so be it. But for me-sex is always in context of the relationship. Not necessarily a chosen one with commitment as of yet. But I don't get turned on to have sex with just anyone! There has to be depth of emotional connection and love at some level that is expressed by me. It is not simply an act of pleasure. Nor it it an act of commitment for me- but it has to be MEANINGFUL It can't be solely the act for pleasure alone. that is where I know I differ from the young lover. I am OK with that in that case as we actually have had genuine authentic friendship connection. Which is in fact I think at heart why I am open to dating the men in my orbit who have come around... I wanted to get over the infatuation with the 35 yr old who is not coming around. YUP I recognize that. Girlfriends are great. But dating helps more. Heck, so if there is not someone new around capturing my interest then those who I have AUTEHNTIC friendship with who might also still share mutual attraction are worth spending time with for the moment. But not if not authentic. That is the thing. This guy who said one thing and later tells me the absolute different truth; and who said something VERY different to mutual female friend about what he wants is showing some red flags of inauthenticity. I was played... So learn and move on. And hope the cost is only $129 and lesson learned. HEATHLABS.COM Oh and it was EASIER To take care of this on this SAT morning. Once the results are in the service offers a Dr. to consult to get medication! YEAH I will be able to get my VALTRX called into the pharmacy in town that DOES take my insurance. My ob/gyn retired and this was so much easier than finding a new one frankly or navigating my primary Dr. office YET AGAIN.

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